Let’s pick apart some distortions from the past and how it was presented

I want to dissect on of my previous blogs from over two years ago now.

It’s quite amazing how such an anxious mind can create it’s own distortions in describing things. I know how it felt when I lived it, yet how I wrote it then, it felt truthful, but looking back not so much. However I do believe since I was living it in the very moment I was trying my very best to try and tell myself it wasn’t that bad, as a way of coping…otherwise I might have lost it. Trying to tell yourself it is okay and it’s not as stupidly difficult as you actually feel it is….Defensive mechanism I suppose.

The rest of my off day. First day of not running in over a year

Posted on December 26, 2010 by krayolablue91 | Edit

So, it wasn’t too bad really. The agonizing part was when I was awake and in the house when I’m normally getting ready to go out. After that I was fine. Something about the fact that knowing I couldn’t get into my normal routine, because they time had already gone by calmed me. It’s not the “I have to run” aspect. It’s the routine. I kept myself busy ’til about 6 (AM) and then got up. Went in the kitchen and was set on making my normal “pancakes”; parentheses are used because they don’t actually use flour, and use yogurt. My idea of a pancake is the whole bisquick, milk, egg thing. Or at least has flour. SInce mine don’t, I consider ‘em faux. Anyways, off of that tangent…ate a different breakfast than normal. Cleaned up the kitchen, asked Gramm if she wanted me to make her breakfast [yes]. Made her “Real pancakes” with whole wheat flour, eggs, butter, sugar etc. (I like practicing making pancakes). Made some for Grampa too…*ahem* yeah..

Who was I ****ing kidding. I felt like I was gonna die. That was some of the worst anxiety I ever experienced in my life. Though in the scheme of things since I pretty much always felt like that back then, I guess it wasn’t “too bad” as in it really couldn’t spike much worse. But whenever I have random anxiety attacks now I just think back and say “This isn’t as bad as that first time I didn’t run in a year, so I can get through this.”
I remember laying there thinking “OMG, it’s THIS time right now. Right now I’d normally be putting my shoes on..”
*tries to ignore time…then stares back at clock* “OMG, now I’d be walking to my start point…!” *more time passes* “Now I’d be running at *THIS* point here” *time* “THen I’d be HERE. And it’s be like this and…”
*Can’t make sense of how I’m still laying in bed in my room because it doesn’t make sense, as I picture myself running through the cold near the golf course next to the chain link fence listening to the same exact song that I always would listen to at the same exact time.*
“and then I’d be here and then I’d be here and then” *can’t stand it*
Can’t make sense of reality tossing and turning. Falling on to my floor curling up trying to find a way to “understand” my existence.
Gets back on bed. Looks at clock.
Not being able to make sense of reality. I don’t even think I can convey with words the overwhelming physical and mental shock that I was feeling. You know when something unexpected happened and you get “shocked” or scared? Just imagine something like that happening in a constant wave since you can’t comprenhend where you are so there is no rest from it. Right as it’s about to dissipate another hits you. Evey been in the ocean, gotten hit by a wave, sputtered, got back out only to get smashed by another wave and thrown down again? Yeah. Like that.
I go to my Grandma’s room telling her I can’t sleep. She tells me to stay there with her. I try. I lay there. I toss and turn for all but 30 seconds and can’t stand it. Go back to my room. Not making sense of reality.

I made a tedious breakfast and cleaned everything because I was so ****ing anxious I felt so *fat* like I was gonna explode with my muscles wanting to just rip from the tenseness held and as my brain felt it lacked oxygen. Sure, I tried to tell myself things were okay. Why in the hell would I do otherwise? That would have just caused…I don’t even know. Other than a perpetual state of “I don’t ****ing understand”. Plus back then I don’t even know if I was capable of such emotion. I just did what I did to be able to “survive” the day and hope it would get over and then want to cry knowing I’d have to start another day.

cleaned the kitchen, cleaned my guinea pig cage, vacuumed the living room…then about half an hour of impatience while Gramm took to long to get ready and out of the house and we went to the zoo. Say from 10:15 to…2:30? About. Lunch was fine there…but again, it seems “safe” now for me to eat lunch out, but not to eat it at home ; I don’t want to feel like I’m avoiding eating at home, because I’m not, I just feel kinda guilty because I’m not eating at home and facing that new found fear since entering IOP. On the other hand I’m now glad we’re able to go out places and eat lunch instead of Gramm getting annoyed that we have to wait ’til after lunch to go anywhere. I have to rationalize that I”m not going to try to put my life on hold to do something, like I used to when I used to eat lunch only at home. When there is a day that comes (anytime soon hopefully) when I can/ have to/ am home, and it’s time for lunch I will do it. but I don’t need to go out of my way to do it- like I used to. Ha, I’m afraid of going back to something safe, making it unsafe. Ha, weird how that works. Don’t force it…if I do I’ll be doing just what I feel they’re doing at IOP…which I don’t like..

Again. Still felt like my head was gonna explode. Felt like I wanted to fall on the floor every moment and hyperventilate not being able to breathe. I was super aggitated and wished my Gramma would hurry up. I felt so *fat* I wanted to walk as fast as possible but was still numbed and didn’t know what to do. The other stuff is true. Except the fact that i was indeed afraid to eat at home with my “safe” foods.

I’ll be honest and say that I have been thinking of taking a rest day; which is a healthy thing, yet I feel somewhat…embarassed? to admit it. I have it drilled into my head, or I perceive the world as a place where you are expected to be constantly on the go, non-stop with a to do list. That you can only sit back and relaxed, either after being maimed, or some sort of masochistic overdrive; but not just masochistic overdrive, masochistic overdrive that ACCOMPLISHED something. If you burnt yourself out and ended up with “nothing” you don’t get a rest, if anything you deserve to be dragged through the mud even more.

Hmmm…Yeah, except even if I’d been maimed, I’d still expect to try and least drag my *** out to run. Try and then cry as I try to run and can’t. and then keep walking and crying. and then try to run and can’t still and cry. Then keep walking for at least an hour crying, glad I run at 5:30 AM so not too many people can see me crying while walking and doing some stupid looking gimp in attempt to run and fail.
That and the “Embarassed” to admit I wanted a rest day was more I was not “allowed” to say I could have a rest day. It didn’t “make sense.”

Of course I would never want to apply these principles to other people- only myself. I would never impose them on other people, as I could not stand the guilt; nor do I need to, as I know so many others do this to themselves as well. That is what also breeds this unhealthy ideology. Everyone thinks that if the other person just stopped, than they could too, because it would take the pressure off. On the other hand would the person ever stop? Probably not. So no one ever does, because of the fear the other is secretly caring, etc etc. vicious cycle.

Making any sense? Probably not, it’s difficult to put in to word (correctly and clearly) the idea I am thinking of.

Meh, that was okay. Pretty messed up, but yeah, that was not a distortion of my own distorted thoughts.

Something like that yeah.

So now I sit here, 4 PM. In my house, Gramm went to sleep since she has to wake up at 7 PM to go to work. Grampa seems particularly more angry than normal (doesn’t he always?) going to the front door, slamming it closed, opening it, and slamming it again. Going to all the doors in the house and slamming them. Opening the microwave and slamming it….So when the dietician asks me why I go out for walks all day…yeah -.- but since I haven’t been home I don’t need to do that. *yay* Hmm, what to do next. I dunno. Honestly though, part of me is really just looking forward to tomorrow [and running] and feeling my comfortable routine

I’m pretty sure I still felt like *I’m going to die this can’t be real* and didn’t know what the hell else to do other than to try and make sense of something by writing and just waiting for the day to be over so I could *reset* and get to the next day, like I said, where I could run again. Not that I was ever not anxious back then. I think that’s where the distortion sets in. You don’t even know what “okay” or “calm” or “relaxed” is. Hell I still don’t know what relaxed is. I probably also still do the “it wasn’t THAT bad” to an extent too. For some reason I equate admitting something was difficult with weakness…ha. Or perhaps it is that afterwards it always doesn’t feel like it was “that bad” just because you’re so freken glad afterwards that it’s over that you don’t even think about it..

and let’s end with a random OCD meme I made…

思考

I drew this up as a goal and yet…

I can say now, compared to past months, or this time last year, I definitely feel a change in my, um…. Awareness? I don't constantly feel like "I'm going to die" and scared and like I'm jumping out of my skin afraid and just looking to get to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and then not want to go to sleep and want to cry becuase it then I'll wake up and it'll all start over again.

When I go places now, it doesn't feel so…. "I'm going to die" or "This doesn't feel real" or "I'm not supposed to be here this doesn't make sense." or "Something bad is gonna happen." I mean, it's there in a sense, but more or less I can go to work or school or church and not feel like it's some ridiculously hard thing. I still have this predisposition though to *want* to just go walk around for hours reading a book or just walking and exercising and not staying still. As in, before I get ready for work "I don't want to go, can't I just walk out the door and keep walking instead? No…? 8("

I also have the thought that is constantly swirling around about how I ought to lose weight. How I ought to eat less. How I'm so fat now. How I ought to lose weight. Fat. So fat. Blah blah blah.

Sometimes it feels stressful to have those thoughts still and NOT act on them. Becuase I ignore them for so long so it's like "WTF, either go away or cause action already." I think that's the problem though. A BIG part of me really wants to take action on that thought. I(t?) really "want(s)" to lose weight and not be so *giant*.
When I look at my body, it does not feel like it is my body. It's so much…more than I'd want it to be. At the same time when I was thinner, it didn't exactly feel like *my* body either, probably just becuase I was so anxious and jumpy, you can't really just *be*.

A big thing of this is that most of my clothes fit me…wrong. lol. Alot of them don't fit me, or fit tight or don't fit properly. It makes me feel terrible. I know, get new clothes. That however would require that I go try on clothes. Oh, **** no. No, no, no…Actually part of my brain likes the idea, becuase it might cause trauma and self-loathing that might actually spark some disordered behavior and weight loss. But that right there. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Secondly….I don't want clothes that fit my body now. That might fit it as I'd want them to. For one, The clothes I do wear for instance, my pants, practically are always falling off, but I can not stand anything tighter, even if I have to pull them up a million times while walking. The other part being is that buying clothes that fit my body now would be like *admitting defeat* and saying I am willing to stay this size…Which it obviously does not want, and it'd be more annoying if I buy these fat clothes, only to lose weight and then need smaller clothes. It'd like to at least pretend that I will be able to fit in these clothes that are right now causing me self loathing. While some people might say it is unreasonable to want to be the same weight as while a teenager…While for me, that was up and then down. and then back and then down….and then back. I can't stand it. Probably because I on some level clung to those words my mom told me back then "I don't care, you can just get to the lowest healthy weight possible and stay there" then she changed her mind and I was like "FUUUUUUUUUUU"

I still keep my disordered thoughts around. I hear so many people on the internet who say "oh, I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore." "I can't imagine ever wanting to go back." or "I'm so glad, because now I can go on with my life and do all the things I've wanted to do and live life"

<

I seriously don’t understand that. Especially the last one. I think it goes to show how engrained it is as my identity in a way. I am the eating disordered person who will have to deal with this forever…It in fact feels WRONG to let it go somehow. It somehow makes me feel angry if I were to let it go because I devoted so much time and *effort* into this crap, that “moving on” seems some how terribly wrong and “easy” as if forgetting such things should not be done. It feels like I’d be somehow betraying myself if I did that.
Ohhh, Eating Disordered ****. I keep thinking people might find this “Pro-Ana”. No. No….No. I’d never want anybody to have this crap. I’ll also be honest. I know of some ED people who would basically wish no one else in the world had and ED (at least AN) except them (so they can be the thinnest). How we obsess over how much or how little others are eating and thinking “It’s so unfair! They can eat that much! [and not be fat]” or “It’s so unfair, they don’t have to eat as much! [and be thin and no one gives them **** over it]” How we make calorie dense foods for others pushing it on them, to make ourselves feel better for not eating them and giving other people more calories (and giving us the chance of being thinner).
At the same time; Contradiction, they do not want AN at all because of how agonizing it can be to live with the thoughts. Yet the thought of giving it up or going against those thoughts is…terrifying. I don’t think this is going to make sense or be as precisely descriptive as I’d like…

I think there is a point where it feels “good” and you have a rush and all the little neurons and synapses are going crazy with things that just flow smoothly from one to another on smoothly paved neural pathways. Then there’s a breaking point where it’s not so fun anymore and the neurons start flipping out and where I imagine little cartoon neurons with stick figure arms stabbing themselves with a cartoon knife and all the neural pathways like messed up city roads with cracked pavement, pot holes and cars flipped over on fire an smoke billowing.

That’s when you want out. But it doesn’t want you to remember that part. It wants you to only remember the *good*. Those tiny tiny tiny moments of happiness within duress to think “Hmm, why not?”
I however have a gigantic concience. That is what dragged me into “recovery” if you will. Though I never wanted to, guilt caused me to comply and the *supposed tos* that amass as to right and wrong. I (sadly?) wish at times that I was such a person that could forego such social obligations and not care. Not care that it’s *bad* It tells me I was a terrible anorexic. Why? Because I could NEVER lie about food. If they asked me I had to say the truth. One time I tried to lie to my mom. About 15 minutes later telling her i had eaten a 250 calorie Fig Newton Bar and her saying okay, you don’t have to eat a whole meal then when you go with your friend. I cracked with guilt and admitted I didn’t eat it and then she said “I knew it.I knew you wouldn’t have eaten it on your own.” All I could do was hope that she wouldn’t ask me how many calories I had eaten when she picked me up from school. She pretty much always would. I remember one night she didn’t though. I was suprised, but relived. She wanted a break from the stress of badgering and crying and anxiety and OCD check questions I imagine. By 9 at night she said “You’re short today aren’t you?” “Yes.” “By how many?” “450″ “450!….” She was too tired and it was too late for her to even try. My cut off for being “allowed to eat” was 7 PM. She could barely get me to eat before that. She sure as hell wasn’t gonna get it past an OCD rule like that one (which it still held even now).
Why do I want this again? AHahaha.
Well now, I don’t want that. I always tell myself I’ll do it “better”. Still be able to function. It was always a “Dream” to be able to be “functioning anorexic” (kinda like an alcoholic right?) When I was in middle school I had this ideal, that I’d balance myself right on the precipice of sick and healthy. It’s funny because I think I despise a few “Healthy Living” Bloggers. which I have not even looked at for…how long? I Deleted everything off my reading list and no longer wany to even know of their existence because of the hypocricy and twistedness that I feel..IDK, maybe it is projecting, but that’s how quite of them seem to come of. Confusing as hell because they act “happy and healthy (and maybe even *are* or believe they are.) but come off not quite right. *Ick* Okay, again contradictiory feeling. I hate that duplicity because I’d rather be straight up honest in who I am and not have to fake anything. At the same time then that guilt thing comes in I suppose. If I were to be out rightly just damaging myself in that way, and be okay with it…It’d only be I’d be okay with it if no one else cared or thought, realized it was bad so I wouldn’t feel as though I was going anything bad (even if I knew I was?) Confusing. Contrandictions. My brains full of them.

Yet…What will I do?

Life keeps moving on…I hate it. Ha. Each day I think I want to try to make the most out of it and yet…when living, everything seems so difficult. Or rather there’s that thing saying “You can’t.” To everything. I mean very simple things too. It just go straight to some stupid feeling of hopelessness and dead weight as if I might succumb to gravity smashing me into the ground.

Hmm, reminded me of a song..

Oh well. Don’t think I’m all depressed or anything, I can easily go into all these dark seeming thoughts and go straight back to “normal”. If anything I think i just felt the need to write this to get it out, lol.

That and that part of my brain is getting pissed that I don’t listen to it. Hahahahha. Yes, be mad. You won’t be around forever.
Yes I will.
Scew that, you’re already dead and you don’t know it. You know you’re doomed, but I also recall you stating you weren’t going to go without putting up a hell of a fight with all your might. Good luck because you still know you’ll lose. Stop putting doubt in letting finalize with that. Even if I can’t possibly imagine a life without this kind of crap doesn’t mean it’s true.

How to do something without actually doing something.

It doesn’t really work.
I was pondering it earlier when I was in a McDonald’s drinking a diet lemonade. I rode my bike a mile then had been walking around for about an hour and then got back on my bike and wanted to go somewhere to try to read for about half an hour or longer if I could. I was thirsty. I thought I should drink water. Then the stupidity ensued. I want to drink water. No, water might make you feel sick. Then you’ll feel sick and then you’ll feel even more anxious because you feel sick and therefore you did something wrong, therefore you are a bad person, and did something stupid most people, if not all would no better than to do and you’re a freak of nature that for some reason goes against natural cues- because the water made you feel sick. I can drink diet soda, however, I think I drink too much of that artificial crap, and coffee. Rarely just straight water. The idea of drinking a diet soda made me feel more dehydrated but water was a no. I had to try to remember where exactly was the place that had the lemonade because somehow it’s acidity counterbalances the flatness/ lack of carbonation as well as the aspartame taste. Locked my bike, ordered. Filled the cup…well, first random OCD behavior and then filled the cup. Lid, straw. Drank without hesitation, but still going “why the hell can’t i just drink water??” At the thought of water, I just old my breathe and can’t think. I want to but I don’t want to. It makes me scared so then I know I ought to. Yet I somehow act as though if I think about it I will somehow come up with some realization or idea as to “how” to drink the water [without fear showing up before, during or after] or how to do it without really having to.

That’s how it always works. I want to be able to do stuff without the fear being there. I want to just be able to do things without the fear and this stupid irrationality being like “Wait, let me figure out an easier way to do this….” and it is forever stuck there until the time goes by or something else is done, as there is no action being taken, and no easier action can be taken.

…

and now, a few hours later after someone in this house decided to interrupt me, talk and then make me feel more sad than ever due to the fact that they do not understand…

“I’ll make a deal with you, if you want to talk to me you just have to come to me and say you want to talk”.

Sorry, but I can’t do that. I’m not allowed to do that. I’m not supposed to want to talk to people. The whole time you were in here, in case you didn’t notice I kept saying “why are you in here?”. I feel no obligatory social protocol in such circumstances at home, that I am supposed to be talking to people. That is to say, within it being a home situation, not with company. That is I would find no obligation in inviting some one over, so there would not be. If it is not my company over (which rarely ever happens anyways) I usually don’t feel obligated to speak, though feel semi-obligated to say something.

It’s so painful in some ways to know that those whom you live with do not understand what so ever. I have explained it and yet it does not stick. It’s like when she goes to church with me and then does not remember any of it or somehow heard something completely different from what the point was.

“I think we’re past that now”

Oh, **** no we’re not. I ****ing hate how you can think that. I abhor that notion of you thinking I am past “that” when it so terribly screeches at me every-single-day to no avail, that I want to cry and just have one damn day without any eating disordered thoughts or obsessions and compulsions that go with it. I just want to be able to live a day in which…

I don’t know what that would be like. I don’t even understand how that could happen. Wake up, no dread or [made-up] obligatory things to do. Food rules, exercise rules. All these restrictions on what I “can” and “can not” do. The basic summary being that I can’t do anything. – anything I do do, is painful due to the opposition draining the energy out of me, breathing shallow with my brain lacking oxygen, my muscles aching and feeling as if a lead weight is dragging me down.

Too stuck right now…
Doesn’t matter anyways what I think.

寂しい

私は寂しいです。人が会いたい、けど。。わかない。どやって？まだまだ、普通じゃない。しゃべる。。がほしい、けど、それはくだらね、と思ういます。けど、つらい。一人だけ。いつでも，いつでも、だ待てた。けど、わたしのかんがえるはくだらね。Talking about it sometimes just makes the Ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔｓ worse and feeds them , yet sometimes Iversus ignoring them, yet sometimes I want to just say them, even though they are so wrong and evil and don’t make sense, me hearing them all the time is so damn annoying. I want to be able to tell people all these thoughts I have that make me feel terrible- and even though I know they are not real, even though I do not beleive them, I just want to relieve all the crap it is telling me. It’s so damn stupid all of the stuff it tells me, and I know it’s not true but なんとなく、I just want to be able to say it because somehow by saying it, it feels better. Somehow it’s because I’m not holding it all in and just having to repress it. I don’t have to act on it, but it makes it feel better to say all of the crazy crap. It just feels like people will argue with it though. They’ll think I actually mean what I’m saying when I”m saying it. I don’t believe it, but if I say it they will think I do right? It’s more like I just need to tell someone. Kinda like when you’ve had a crappy day or some sort of confrontation with a person and need to reflect it on another person. Well I need to tell someone all the crap it is always telling me. Unjudgingly. It seems different though because it comes from inside my own mind, but at the same time not. If I were to say it was some person telling me, i don’t feel others would care so much as I am just relaying. but then somehow if i say “it tells me this and that” it’s somehow they think I believe it. Which I suppose is true to an extent, but it’s only when it wears on me so damn much from not being able to vent it.
part of me hates this so much- the fact that i know it’s a lie so I can’t just act on it as much as I’d like to. Since I know it is wrong, all the damn thoughts of being afraid of everything, I feel i have no “reaosn” to feel this way. It really comes down to me not believe or believing. It makes me sad. Why? Well it makes it sad. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry. I really can’t. Sometimes it feels as though the emotion is blunted. I am being held back. どして。。。

One year and two days ago…

I want to testify! To anybody who will listen! I want everybody to know how God has changed me and healed me! I could do nothing without God. Nothing what so ever. Without go I was in despair. Like so many I was being dragged by Satan. He was dragging me and not matter what I did, he would overtake me and cause me torment. He had me so deceived. I was so deceived. I wonder even now when I look back how crazy it was, how blind and deceived I was. The Word makes me strong! It makes me brave! It is not my heart, but God’s heart! Without him I am nothing! Nothing lest a puppet for Satan to torment! Still Satan tries to (and does as times) deceive me. Makes me fearful and scared of everything! but it does not matter! I am healed! Jesus is willing and I am healed MATTHEW 8:1.
I have come so far in this past year thanks to God, I can never repay him for that no matter what I do (nor can anyone), hence why it is truly GRACE! People think that if they try to be “good” or “keep the law” that God will bless them, but it is not so! Works are counted as debt! Realize YOU can not do it and that only GOD can. If YOU are trying to do it then YOU are blocking GOD from working. Step out of the way, let him do it! Why do people not want God to fix them when he created them? He knows how to make them and everything else in the universe. Can humans? No. Humans are so foolish, thinking they can judge and know through their own perception. We are all so foolish to believe our own perceptions! I know this for a fact and yet I still beleive my own perceptions a lot of the time- because they seem so real and it (Satan) causes us to distrust God. Sin is not doing “bad” things; What ever is not of faith is sin! Yet people do not think that. Yet even though we are Evil, we can be righteous! God says we are righteous through believing in his Son. His son who took away the sin of the world!
By one mans disobedience many were made sinners, through one mans obedience many were made righteous!
It is not through anything we go that we can be righteous- right with God. Holy. All we can do is believe in the Word of God. Not look to ourselves, but look to God, look to Jesus. Give all the Glory to HIM.
“This sickness is not unto death, but to give glory to God and lift up the Son.”

What then can I do? Testify! Be living proof that God exists and is alive!
When I look at myself, I am not perfect, I am far from perfect, I feel I have many flaws, I despise my physical self. Yet, when I look to God’s word it is all irrelevant. What matters? The Gospel! The Good News! Salvation! That Christ rose and is alive! That when God speaks things happen despite humans capabilities. Completely opposite of humans thoughts. Those thoughts, the heart given to them by Satan. How sad is that? Most people think it is just them. Their thoughts. They do not realize where there thoughts are coming from.
I feel lucky in a sense that there is always “it” for me. Before that there was my imaginary friends and then Kazuko, who I can not say was an imaginary “friend”. Now there is just an “it” I ought to simply say Satan (and be more deterent when it feeds me lies). It tells me this, it tells me that. It says I can’t do this, can’t do that. Am not allowed to do that. That is bad. Bad. I don’t understand why you’d want to do that. It’s bad. Etcetera.
I have a distinguishment that I am grateful to have. It should make it easier to turn from. I imagine it does though, as I think now of instead just believing it was my thought, that is scary, as then one would much more easily follow that. When I get really deceived and confused it does try and convince me it is me.

Though I myself still see myself as fearful and weak, only to crumble at any moment, God sees me as capable through his son. That I need to rely on him. He can do it. I myself can not. So even though I am afraid that I may fall at any moment, I am being held by God.

If God allows me to be as I once was, I can only be thankful. If that happens I will know that I need God even more. that I will have to rely on him even more. That is amazing.

Pointless lying thoughts.

A lot of the time now I feel it is a bit pointless to write down things. After all, most people write and aspire, think, dream, but do not really act. For me. They’d like to think they would someday, but they get caught up in the feeling that it gives them, the concept, the idea; but not in actual practice. Not to say they don’t even think they don’t want to- they tell themselves they want it, but then for some reason when able try to avert that situation. They’re focusing too much on the situation, that is the problem really. It’s odd when you think about it, what limits people really? Intense feelings usually, or ideas of what they expect, the anticipation, and when something occurs, state of mind plays an extremely significant role in how it is experienced.
Though a lot of my fears are not the prime controlling factor – or at least in not in such an intense way anymore, as what I feel now, I can look back and think “Wow, I lived like that. Feeling that fearful constantly? That’s crazy.” I didn’t do anything, but somehow, God has changed me through his Grace alone. I didn’t do anything, nor can I ever do anything to merit such. Hopefully I can look back later and think the same as I do now; as I know it’s not completely normal still. A lot of the time the anxiety and rush of overwhelming thoughts want to come out, even more so when I speak. My ability to speak now is so strange to me! I can talk. I can have conversations with people! It’s amazing. I can laugh out loud. I’m pretty loud actually, ha.
My ability to get along with people is not inept, though in some aspects I do feel quite clueless as to what is normal when talking to others- the paradigm in which; why are we talking? Just because we can? Is there a point other than that? Isn’t this talking pointless? Why then? Because you like being around each other…I don’t quite understand. I see that you enjoy it for some reason and that is your reason, but I don’t know if that is a good enough reason.
[See, still not normal]
Yesterday I spent some time with my one friend and some new people, talking and getting along. for about an hour and a half. I felt fine, I enjoyed talking to them. Got to use some Korean and Japanese and help them with English words. By the last half hour to fifteen minutes though, even though I was seemingly enjoying talking to these people, the distinctness of knowing what time it was and how long I had been talking to them (and if it had dragged out longer and then I had seen the time it’d be the same) I started to get scared. I don’t know why. Well yes, I do know why- because i was supposed to be walking around, for at least an hour and a half as per my ritualistic OCD-must for the day as is required in the evening, ideally as soon as possible but had actually dissuaded it by almost over an hour. Luckily(?) they had to go somewhere, and I was free to then roam the city, and get that feeling off…If this was Exposure Response and Prevention, I would have failed. Problem is I wouldn’t mind failing since I don’t see it as a problem.
I mean, it wouldn’t be a problem if [HAHAHA, that sounds so ridiculous] it weren’t for the fact that I can’t NOT do it without getting all weird and unable to think straight and fall into that thought pattern of “Everything is bad. This is bad. Bad. it’s wrong. This can’t be happening. I’m bad. I should die. I’m fat this suck, I hate everything. Why am I here? I shouldn’t be here. This is bad. Nothing is right. I don’t understand…” and so on.

Yeah, if that didn’t happen it’d be okay.

HAHAHAHA!

Yes.

Simple.

Not easy.

People don’t understand seem to recognize the difference.

Can you run 100 meters at your leisure?
Probably right?
It’s simple and easy.
Can you run 100 meters as fast as Usain Bolt?
I don’t think so.
Simple, not so easy.

Even then though, simple and easy are subjective.
Running 100 meters is simple and easy?
Well what if you can not walk. Ahuh, well yeah, maybe wheeling yourself the 100 meters is easy, but when they say getting across is not the point, but to walk it or run it is the point, it doesn’t matter.
and I could break it down even further but I would hope people are not so dim as to not understand such an idea.

I can get my homework done. It doesn’t mean I learned anything. Learning is supposed to be the point, and by not learning anything, and simply doing it to get it done for the sake of that, well, that is the simpler and easier way, while doing the homework and actually learning and retaining, simple, it looks the same too sometimes, but not as easy. Right? Well, for some.

Why am I rambling anyways? Ah, who knows. Oh right it’s because of the fact that I felt like I needed to just say stuff. Or in this case write stuff. My ability to know how to relay myself to others is rather still insufficient. I feel as thought it is too much. Despite the fact that people say I am rather closed, I do not think so at all. In fact, it appears to me that I give off too much, want to talk to people to much. I don’t want to come off as needy or clingy so I do not say things in general unless approached first as to know that I am not interfering with their lives and intentions.
There’s also this other OCD thing where I’m afraid that if people stop and talk to me, or pick up the phone, read a message from me, etcetera, that if they had not taken that time to do so, that then something bad could be prevented. That is to say that I am afraid that by them interacting in any way with me that it will cause them to be somewhere at a particular place and time that they would not have been had we not interacted- and in that place that something terrible will happen to them. Or even because they pick a phone or look at a message, they are distracted due to what I sent, are not paying attention to their surroundings and something terrible happens to them.

Indeed.

たしかに、くだらない。うそ。かんがえた。

Completely Healed

I am thankful to God who has healed me. Even when I can not see it, nor feel it. When others can not see it, but it is true. He is willing. He has healed me. Whether I believe it, whether others believe it, it is still true. It’s almost been a year now since I have slowly been able to see this revealed to me. Or rather, accept it. To know it. The fact that I can do things now is so bizarre to me at times. There are still many things that are quite difficult, indeed, but I CAN go and do them. Or rather, God can. I can’t do anything. People don’t realize the grace they have in being able to do things so freely. They think they can do things. It’s only because God allows it though.
I’m the person that sometimes is so afraid that I can not even move from my desk chair to my dresser to get a pen. I am the person who would go to a mall or something of the like once every week, or less to walk around and be around people and that fill my void and ability to stand people for that time frame. If I unexpectedly met people on Saturday, I no longer “had to” on Sunday because I couldn’t handle any more that week, that void was filled. Anymore was excessive.
I am the person who could not stray even 5 minutes from her relentless routine of “have-tos” and the times I have, the man I see most mornings walking looked in disbelief at his watch when I was ten minutes “off”.

I am the person who could not sit down for more than half an hour without getting anxious as hell. Could not leave my house for more than an hour, an hour and a half was pushing it, made me crazy as hell, unable to make sense of what was happening, things wouldn’t feel “real” since for the past 2 year I’d only been in the same exact places more or less every day and anywhere else didn’t make sense, “can’t be real” “can’t be happening” “I don’t understand how this is happening, it doesn’t make sense, it can’t be real. I don’t get it”. Almost blacked out once.
My brain has probably had to reroute so many neural pathways, it was a bit traumatic almost, ha..
It, doesn’t like it.
It wants me to go back. It’s mad too because of the fact that the neural pathways are being rerouted and changed, that it’s not a straight hit most of the time anymore. Previously it was like a deep tendon reflex- hit your knee, it kicks. Now that doesn’t happen with EVERYTHING. If anything sometimes it tries to get me to think about it a lot and constantly and still nothing happens (I don’t react or listen and do what it says).
I haven’t done anything to change. God is the one that has done it; I myself, could not do this. If anything, I’d be following it still. Dragged and at the same time maybe even letting it convince me to go towards it with some sort of “positive” thing that I get from it. Which is a lie. Many of the times when I so badly DID want to react and give in, I could not. Or should I say “it” wanted me to? It wanted me to and got soo frustrated becuase I could not react. It was not me, it was God preventing it. I could not ever not listen to it by myself. Me alone, there is nothing to stop me from listening to it. It’s really good at lying, at making you scared and telling you if you do *this* that you will be less scared, something bad won’t happen, it’ll be okay. Ironically it was usually the problem itself but it tricks you and you don’t realize it because you are in such a panic. It is insidious. It’ll never stop being insidious. It’ll try and catch me when I’m not looking, when I least expect it. Try and convince me I am not healed.
Me on the way to work a few months ago;
*in car, scared, shaking, wanting to/starting to cry, feeling like nothing is real* – “it doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand how this is happening, I can’t go to work, I don’t understand how I can go, I don’t understand how I can even be there or go through a day, it’s as if all time will freeze and i can’t process it.- but I’m healed so it doesn’t matter!” Keeps going. Faith. I could not believe that either on my own, only God gives me that faith as well. Don’t look at the situation, look to the Word. No matter how much I fear or have feared, it wasn’t real. How many times did I wish so badly to know this word, for it to truly touch me. To believe it and know it. I wanted that so badly. God allowed this Grace on me. It’s not because I do anything, but becuase God is God. Humans can not do anything, works are not counted onto humans as some sort of payment, but as debt. Try to keep the law. You can’t. God isn’t a salesman, don’t tell him “If I do this, please give me this”. His son died for you, he has already taken care of everything.

“For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous” Romans 5:19

We are righteous and holy through Jesus Christ.

“And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

People think sin is doing something “bad” and they somehow try to think they can stop if they try hard enough. In actuality we are in sin because of Adam, he and Eve ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. They became spiritually dead. What is worse they did not even know they were spiritually dead. Most people do not realize it.

I myself, alone, can never be perfect. Ha, I could never be “normal” do normal things” be able to even interact in daily life, talk, speak, eat, move outside of some rigid confined schedule until I suffocate or sink even lower and lower.

Many things in life still puzzle me, just as I’ve said prior, I know there are probably some quite obvious things that I do not see clearly or recognize at all. Much like I do look back only a few months and wonder how it was I thought that way or how I lived that way, in constant fear of…everything. Sometimes it still hits me. It almost feels worse at times because of the fact that it is not my norm anymore. At those times I am still more thankful to God, in that when I am that way, I have to seek him. To not forget that it is not I that have done anything, but God that has allowed me to be healed. I am healed even in those times, but I must not look to the situation, because even though it feels real, it is not true. I am healed
and remember
“This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” John 11:4
It was not ever for no reason, but so that I could be saved. Would I have ever been able to have Gods word revealed to me, had I not been like this? Had I been “normal” gone to school, passed with high grades, gone to college, got a degree, got a good job, some semblance of a life that the World deems desirable, vain, even when it pretends not to be…Highly highly unlikely. HIGHLY UNLIKELY. Such people are usually to arrogant, why would i have needed to beleive in God if I could believe in myself- that i could do anything, by myself. I certainly never wanted to when I was “able” to acheive things on my own. As I was like some people now, thinking it was because i could, not because God allowed it.

I don’t want to forget.
As unsure as I am for what comes next, I know God has a plan in place.
Things happen for a reason. Nothing I do will make me deserving. Nobody is deserving of God’s grace. It’s not because of who we are, but because of who he is.