As I am being dragged more and more towards having to be an adult…At 23 years old, I am realizing more and more how much the idea of any sort of obligation, expectation, standard feels suffocating to me. I think I knew this on some level before, but was able to skirt it off. In high school most notably, hated racing, I hated intervals, I hate having my splits called and knowing how fast I was or was not going, even more so if there was a target time to be at or under. With my own sorts of standards like that, I tend to go into some sort of denial about it, though recently have gotten better about it. Before I couldn’t look at the clock if I knew I was five, ten or fifteen minutes over what my routine used to “have to” be, down to the letter. Anything else was horrifyingly anxiety provoking. I got around it at some point by trying to block out the times, and now am able to look at the times, but I still feel the anxiety arise, and my body tense, as I cringe and look at the time, comparing it to what it “should” be, all the while knowing it doesn’t really have to be….In that sense also facing up to the reality in regards to numbers, to either accept it or make change based on the reality. Not knowing doesn’t change the reality of things.
Today I took my statistics class final and really do not think I passed the class. This is the third time; actually the previous two times I wouldn’t have actually considered it actually taking the classes…I didn’t go and couldn’t do any of the work I was so anxious, basically. This time I was actually able to participate much more, however that doesn’t seem like it was enough. The new rule in our district is only being allowed to take a class three times and then that is it, so I am not sure how this will go, or what to do next if I did not pass. With this, also, I have no summer classes, nor have I signed up for fall. I don’t understand the point in doing so honestly. I have no major and no aim as far as what I want to do. In all honesty, while I think I am going to school (am I even?) so I may get a degree and pursue a more fulfilling future/ job, career or what not, that also puts massive amounts of anxiety on me, to where I immediately want to pull away and disappear. The idea of having a position with responsibility is paralyzing to me. I can’t imagine doing anything that has any sort of responsibility. My immediate reaction is that I will fail. I am inexperienced in what ever field it may be. Logically starting out everyone is, but I fear making a mistake and failing others, and how it effects them. That bothers me so much. Even if others think it may or may not be a big deal, for some reason it horribly bothers me as if reflecting on me morally as a person….Of course my brain is going “Only evil continually, Genesis 6:5 what else do you expect? Do you think you are good?” Apparently some part of me must think I can still do something if it is afraid of failure. Or perhaps it doesn’t want to be revealed as a failure, as if that is the end all be all. Logically I know it is not, that failure is in a sense, how you grow and learn.
This episode of the Fairly Odd Parents from when I was in middle school came to mind just now..
I also have a new job now, but as such I almost want to give it up as well, the stress feels like too much, or like I may never get it and that they will fire me…Yet, don’t I feel like that in everything for the most part, especially new things? I don’t even know if there is a job I think I could do. Once under the supervision of others, no matter what I do I am suddenly afraid it is wrong…This has me think of when last Monday I was having fellowship with Minister and he was basically saying how if the word of God says we are righteous then we are righteous, but he started it with how it is natural, and asked me for instance, “1+1 is what?” and I answered two of course, but all of a sudden in my own mind I even doubted that in my ability to answer it correctly…Simply due to the fact I was responding to someone else…?
My new job is in a Japanese American take out place. I am technically a cashier, but it is not just ringing up food, but helping put together the dishes, bagging them and giving them to the customer. I have to get a “Food handlers” card or something like that soon as well. It is fast paced, which I like, but at once is anxiety provoking. My lack of ability to move quickly I fear will fail me. It’s ironic I run, but it’s like in everyday things I feel like my reflexes have slowed, not being able to do coordinated things too quickly, add to the fact this is something new, I take way to long, trying to get the exact right amount of rice in the carton, or box, scooping the French fries into the bag, etc….Then I have to remember all the plates and what goes with what, the ponzu, hot mustard, miso dressing, sweet chili, teriyaki and yakiniku sauces…. I feel like I am inept in able to even do this job. I feel like I should save them the trouble of hiring me (90 day probation period). It’s only been two weeks or so now. Part of me is like, “You will never get it, it’s impossible.” the other is like maybe you will…or maybe just wait for them to kick you out. The idea of this sort of thing being second nature is really odd though. Though I suppose my mind thinks learning anything new and being comfortable with it as very odd. That is generally what I like though; getting proficient enough with something, to where I am comfortable with it and it isn’t always causing massive anxiety, and can be perfunctory to a point…Probably not good in a sense in terms of growth, but in some ways I really just like the consistency…Perhaps it is that I like the idea of learning so much as it doesn’t directly effect anything else going on at the same time…? Like that makes sense…Not really. I like flow, how when I learn certain topics, it just goes and clicks. I don’t like the start and stop of other things and back tracking, pauses, going forward, erasing, back pedaling…So it sounds like I don’t like learning, aha. Yet my mind wants to say, “but I do like learning, but I don’t like being wrong.” Though I often tend to learn best through trying, I fear that, or fear making mistakes while trying.
So what am I going to do now? I have no idea. I really don’t even know how to search or look or think about it or decide. My brain is apparently slow on the uptake, being like, “oh I really am alive and apparently life still is somehow going on even though I can’t comprehend how or why exactly.” This fear of obligation, it really just makes me want to run away. I really can’t imagine being a functioning adult and managing things on my own. It has me think back to the I was a sophomore in high school when my ED first began and talking to my dietician, or rather she was talking. She mentioned something to the effect of perhaps I was afraid to grow up, take on responsibility, etc., but maybe by overcoming this, they could also help me deal with that. I don’t know how that would have actually gone, but in a structured sense I perhaps really would have benefitted. I feel like I am too old now to get any sort of help like that as people seem to think I should just be able to or something…but that is just my own though I suppose, which can be and more than likely is wrong in more than one sense. Thinking back to what that dietician says makes me wish I could go back, yet desiring such does not make it so. How I wish so much at times I could go back and do things over…and yet, fear it wouldn’t really be any different. Would my choices be? Would I have been able to go to college? Live in a dorm or apartment alone? That is in some sense, very frightening. Going to classes regularly, perhaps sports or the cross country team like a “normal” student? Again, very frightening, but at once I feel if I wasn’t stuck in such a comfortable(?) rut as I am, they would not be so frightening, or in the least I would not know this sick hole routine I positioned myself in to stay away from such things rather than deal with it. Perhaps that is the thing right there. I gave up such “normalcy” for this pseudo idea of being safe. Part of me would like to go out and be normal, another part reviles such ideas, thinking that is the stupidest thing ever, as if how I live now is some how above all that. I am pretty sure others would pity that, and the part that reviles such normalcy would want to scoff and say who cares what they think….So where do I actually stand on this? Confused. Indeed, when I am in class, albeit however shortly, or am sitting down studying, or at work, like a “normal” person, something inside of me really squirms at such ordinary-ness. Part of it feels like a haughty, “I am better than this” but that’s funny considering the crippling fear of responsibility, obligation, failure. It is though I can sense though because it thinks time is better spent obsessing over food, calories, exercise, movement, mental rituals, checking, rechecking, trying to be “sure”…As if that makes any sense. In my mind as I do it, it doesn’t feel nice, but at once it is what I have known for so long and on many levels does feel right, as if it is what I am indeed “supposed to do” am good at, can actually do and live up to…and by not am I ironically failing to meet said obligation and skirting responsibility? Aha. Perhaps it takes on that as well. I am not sure where this is going really, but…Well, there it is.