That didn’t feel nice… We had regional service/ Bible Study at my [Grandpa’s] house tonight. I already knew Grandpa wouldn’t like it, so I told him this morning. He was annoyed. Then he was annoyed I had to spend money to buy food for it.
Okay, that was kind of expected…What was not, was him well…Idk, his Alzheimer’s and dementia are getting worse. His behaviors more irrational and well, angry. He has a lot of the same theme about everyone. Basically he thinks everyone is dishonest and trying to cheat him. And apparently nobody has a conscience…because everything they do apparently bothers him and you know…Something.
Our dogs were outside and wanted to come in. He made it worse by standing there looking at them, which makes them just cry more like, “wtf won’t you let us in?” Which had him getting more angry, like “Wtf won’t these people get out of my house?”
He did at some point actually shout at them and say if they were going to stay or something to that effect. He also said “Bye” half joking before, as in “get out, it’s time for you to leave.” He tried to let the dogs in. I stopped him. I asked him why it bothered him so much. He said he wanted them out of his house. He says that about everyone though. It’s really sad when you think about it though. He excludes everyone and everything, yet that doesn’t make him happy…but apparently everything also makes him unhappy. Or so he thinks…
That’s the sad thing and his hang up on money. He’s saying how he has given me money, and basically hating the fact I spent it on food for the Bible Study. I’m thinking then, what does he expect to do with money? Keep it forever and not spend it? [Yes] Sigh…It’s sad to think he is this way and 80…Almost 81 years old. It’s sad because yes he has Alzheimer’s now, but he was like this before…it’s just more aggressive now in a sense…or perhaps showing more. It makes you wonder how miserable and unhappy his life is. I sometimes have wondered how he has lived all these years… I mean, I am 23, and he basically retired when I was in 1st grade. After that he’s had the same basic routine. Get up, shower, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, coffee, etc…Never went anywhere really, maybe fishing, and to the market….For years now. For most of my life. Repetitively, every single day almost without variation. Growing up, he wasn’t very nice or happy either. Him and my mom got in a fight to where they didn’t speak for years over how he treated my cousin that lived here at the time. My cousin actually had to move out because of how bad my grandpa treated him and my Grandma said it just wasn’t fair/ right for my cousin to live there and have to put up with that.
I wonder if at any point my grandpa really was happy in life? It’s kind of scary though when I look at it, when I ask myself how could he for so many years, basically since I was born have such a boring repetitive, isolated life and not hate existence? On the other hand…hasn’t he? Yet apparently when asked about suicide or wanting to hurt himself, he looked at the psychologist like they are crazy, saying something like “Why would I want to do that?” so apparently he values his life…just…It’s sad. At once, we don’t want to collide. I don’t want to clash with him, but not doing so leaves him as is…Yet clashing feels worse when it seems like no matter what one does, he will remain the same.
Yet afterwards he didn’t get as angry as I thought…Maybe it was because it was late and he was tired or…He realized he was being a jerk and actually showed it to them when he basically yelled at them to get out. He was criticizing them, “They have no conscience.” “They must be bad people if they have to pray that long” “They didn’t even apologize.”…. I don’t know, it’s like….It doesn’t even occur to him just…How people are? That not everything revolves around him? Yet again, I feel myself reflected in that as well… Just like the repetitive living for at least as long as I have been alive…I’ve lived like that for years and it felt unbearable…does still at times. I think about the runner man I see who is so compulsive and limps terribly, but I’ve seen since I was at least four years old and he is still going… I wonder if I could have ended up like that…Having endured so much pain and not being able to stop. Being like that would honestly frighten me. Or rather, I don’t know if I’d be able to endure so long…or want to. I’d probably rather want to die first….Yet I suppose this is God showing me that I could be like that if not for Him, so me receiving salvation is certainly mercy and grace, opening my eyes to these things which I could not see of myself…. So just like not wanting to clash with my grandpa in a way, because it feels hopeless…Just like God has clashed in intervened in my life…It may not feel “nice” but it is necessary to change.
…Which, by the way I have a new job as of this last Tuesday night/ Wednesday night, depending on how you look at it… Totally screws up my routine and things feel off and not “real”, but hey… Apparently it is…or isn’t. Whatever. I guess that is totally why I need to rely on God.