Here is the issue I have with menus. In one way it makes me very sad, in another I don’t get why I or anyone else would have it any other way once they realize this “truth”. Particularly say cafes. Starbucks or in this case, Tim Horton’s, which triggered this line of thoughts as Eat Your Kim Chi asked on Instagram what two of their crew should try for the first time. There is that immediate glee of “Ohh, try something new and good tasting” followed by an immediate shut down of, “Oh yeah, that can’t happen though.” Followed by wondering how others could so simply just drink something and not know or wonder what is in their drink. How when they drink it, could they not feel the shame, anxiety, and sugar, filtering through their bodies, reacting as though it were poison and excess, feeling horribly horribly wrong, as it should not be so easy to consume something like that. If I look at a board, with different flavors of coffee, different lattes, flavored with caramel, mocha, etc. My mind just deconstructs it to where it looks and sounds terrible, basically sugar, coated with more sugar coated and suited to change flavors, to what end/point? Who cares? It just becomes sickly and undesirable. It is all sugar transformed to different flavors and with that in mind those flavors become saccharine, all the same. You drink it, it is gone, what the hell was the point of that? At once I don’t think I am quite able so “savor” food. Or if I do, it still seems pointless and stupid. Flavor lasts for but a second, I question what it even tasted like, was it even good, was it real, is that perception right? My mind speeds up, and then it is over and it is like…What was the point? You’ll eat in a few hours again anyways. Generally I find I try to go now for the feel of the food in regards to how I will feel after. So it isn’t to say flavor doesn’t play a certain aspect; it has to be palatable and not terrible, but trying for that “omg, awesomeness” freaks me out, and in fact I think if I ever get something like that I’d immediately be afraid it has something that is “too much” and I must limit it. Not even just calorie wise, but if using artificial anything as well, because those tend to have terrible digestive effects, or things with high fiber, etc. In all though… Well I guess there is something I always worry on. What I tend to mean in regards to how I feel after the food though, is how I feel physically, if “intuitively” the carbs, or protein, or fat, etc. was what my body needed to feel all freaked out and anxious. On some level I know part of it is in my head (as with anyone), though I can get a gist at times of when my body perhaps needs a certain level of calories or maybe a certain macro nutrient more than another. For instance, generally can’t take in something like straight coffee or even water when my body needs calories, it’d often feel worse as times. I don’t know how much of that is in my head, but I mean it should be obvious if I need calories, it’d feel better if I did take some in…Right? I’ve been trying to focus more on that aspect, than some superficial psychological need for something to be a certain way, but focus on how things actually are. One big sticking point for my ED/OCD is being afraid of trying different foods and being afraid it will feel “wrong” after the fact, though it seems even if I am afraid it will feel “wrong”, for one thing, my body needs to try different things to adapt, and get used to them, in another, my body isn’t as mechanically rigid as my mind feels it is/ should be. So I try to focus on how things actually are, rather than my mind saying “things are wrong” or the idea that they will be at some point and it will be terrible because you changed that one thing.
Now I’m thinking about other restaurant menus. Not one in particular comes to mind, but say a one that has sandwiches, I feel my mind immediately deconstruct it, the bread and meat, if there is not meat and it is still high calories it is even more perplexing as to why one would want it (which they generally are due to high calorie dressing and thick bread). I go to Whole Foods and see a spread of food, the various sections, pizza, sandwiches, deli, baked good (as opposed to baked bads as I’ve seen one of their signs say), and at once it seems foolish to me to partake in such foods. Both “healthy” yet high in calorie. I know there is something terribly skewed about this in some sense. It isn’t about it being low calorie, but being “healthy” in some other sense, organic, no chemicals, preservatives, etc. Yet my mind wants to laugh at spending so much money to eat something supposedly clean, that my mind would want to not eat anyway. I can see a certain appeal to it in a disordered sense, but also the opposite of “Why not eat the “real” thing, and save money” but also the “It is worth the money to eat something I enjoy and be healthy.” My mind feels jaded to the idea that humans could inherently truly like something food for them in the way they do something “bad” for them, simply because well… They “should” or as if that is how it seems in my mind people “should be” or “are” or how I was, I don’t know.
So when I complain about saccharine drinks, at once it may feel vile, but then I feel sad and conflicted I can’t enjoy the poison like other people, but think if I really don’t like it now, who cares? Should I make myself enjoy it, become immune and build up a tolerance to it “just because”? This goes both ways in a sense of those whom might eschew said things in the name of health. It is also hard to view any of these things as rational or logical as it seems well, people don’t quite do it as such. Demonizing either side seems inherently wrong, and then stating “moderation” or balance all around seems to put this idea in my mind at least of the fact that they are all somehow wrong(?) and need to be constantly counterbalancd…or…Maybe not quite that, but by saying “balance”, you are saying there is something wrong with certain foods? “Good” and “Bad”, though I suppose the human condition would rather we just go full out in one sort of extreme as “The best”, but it is apparently not the case. Why am I venting all of this anyways… Again, it may be one of those very eating disorder driven sort of rants and vents which I may well cringe at a future time up reading. I can say in some aspects, my mental state has gone down in some regards, but feels better in others, as my weight has also gone down, though in my perception (which people say is faulty) is not “too” bad, not low, of course I don’t ever thing that really, and neither do most people with EDs, hence anosognosia. Yet if I think I have anosognosia, do I? Or it is rather I know others think I have an issue, but I can not see said issue, so believe they would probably say I have it.
In any case, time moves on. What ever God allows. Upon reflection it’d seem He’s been throwing stuff at me to perhaps turn (repent) and yet I seem numb to it, but on some level “know”. I guess I’ll just have to wait in longsuffering until He allows the grace for me to “see” (even if I literally can’t) and change me.