I sit here with my brain bursting with energy in some odd way. Not quite anxious, but a bit displaced in knowing what to do or what feels right, unsure how to express itself. At once I wanted to draw, by then I realize I have at least of yet mastered the ability to scrawl out anything in which could express myself. Usually when I do so it is words, and as such, here I am.
Well I went and met my dietician today. She seemed happy about things in a way. I am a bit torn, but oh well. That is, I feel better, physically and psychologically. It is quite amazing actually. I don’t think in any times prior I have felt this way in “recovery” I have always been so physically and psychologically in pain, times prior. Holding on with a death grip that was at once numb, unaware it was holding on. If feels as though that vice has lifted. I credit it all to God though. I feel I certainly have that promise in my heart, and received it when I thought back to Linda samonim’s words about challenging God, about how if you do something by faith, then challenge God, tell Him, if you do it, He has to take care of the pain. She was just talking about the physical in that sense it seemed, but what is more is, not just that, but the psychological as well. While the ED at once wants to scream that I should not want such a thing to be well, it is at once silenced by God. Not me. I could never do so. My mind would be overwhelmed, but He has taken care of it. There isn’t really a “how” but He simply does. That is how. How I think on the Bible and it says that Jesus took our sins sicknesses and infirmities. How there is the verse which states, as He is we are in this world. Does He have an eating disorder? No, then neither do I. Does he have distressing thoughts tormenting Him? No, then neither do I? Does He have pain in any way? No, then neither do I. At once He has already reconciled them.
I did realize earlier though when speaking to the dietician how I am afraid of branching out more now that I’ve gotten a good pattern down that does not cause pain/ bloating discomfort. At which I realize I am then filled with the desire to go forward and trust God, bit by bit, trying something different. It gets scary and overwhelming in trying to figure out “what”, but that again will come in and of itself. That is, I can not take care of that fear, but God can.
What else? Physically my body is still beat up. I can sense it more so now I think. So much tension built up over years and years. Over training and making my muscles so tight. I rewatched a video on how to stretch the pec minor and major, as I am aware it is part of the cause of my rounded shoulders and winged scapula, despite it feeling like it isn’t “so bad” that is, it’s not constantly aching, so I realize it may feel okay to me, but that doesn’t mean it is normal. Was able to then visualize the pec minor with the video I watched and it’s location/ how it is shaped and with that, using a stripping technique, able to locate it and since then it has been quite sore, and released a bit perhaps. Prior with improper technique, it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, but with the right angles and technique, a problem not once felt was revealed. I find that amazing in a way.
The other day when walking in the market square, a sales rep from LA Fitness gave me a seven day pass. I went in this morning, and it was quite nice, unlike 24 hour Fitness where they just show you around and try to get you to buy in, LA actually do an assessment of your goals. I was able to explain my goals right now in terms of just recovering my body/ healing my over trained muscles and correct imbalance, at which the two guys seemed a bit shocked. The one guy did seem genuinely concerned and at which he shared about himself. He had a history almost like mine. Quite sad in a way and also eye opening to realize, perhaps how many people, despite not knowing by looking initially have such limitations or disabilities physically. It is perhaps quite naïve in a way, but I often feel like others have more freedom in things to *just* do things, but in some sense realize that there are others like me, or whom deal with the same sort of things. Perhaps it is just that I rarely deal with such people in real life, but more on the internet; and while I know those people are “real” it always seems like it’s not around me. But I guess it also is. In any case, he could be much older than me (if not the same age or younger?) but he showed me the scars on his elbows and how he apparently messed up the growth plates in them from going to hard in Football practice, overtraining in high school and they had to be replaced with steel. How his shoulder had problems, and tore something, that the doctor told him they could do a very expensive surgery that had a fifty/ fifty chance of working or not. He said how that meant if he ever had kids, he couldn’t even throw a football with them and how his other shoulder had problems so that was there to. He said I was like the “girl version” of him. I kind of wanted to laugh at that, but yeah. I wanted to say “eating disorder” but was like, eh nah. Not yet anyways. When I told him how I trained, even he said how I need to cut down, and how the idea is balance, how 99% of the people he’d met, and how I’d been the first person in five months or so he met that had this problem, how most were the opposite, but for me I was doing so much that it was hurting me. How by overtraining it messes up ones immune function, and talking about bone mass, etc.
I mentioned how I’d lost a lot of weight but gained some back now. For the record, gained about 13 pounds now. When asking about nutrition, I stated how I had a dietician, which they said was good, and that was covered. He gave me a basic work out plan on correcting imbalances, which I wouldn’t plan on really implementing anyways until my body really feels up to it, though simple stability or strengthening things shouldn’t be problematic, as long as it isn’t further aggravating tight muscles, but then I suppose that’s where making sure I am working on those through foam rolling, stretching, etc. I actually get my one free session with the trainer their tomorrow. I know they’ll try and sell more sessions on me, which I probably won’t be able to afford, anyways, but I’ll be interested in seeing his assessment. I mean, as much as part of me knows they’re going for a sell, it was interesting to be able to talk with people about such things. The trainer had already given me some suggestions when we were talking about performance and muscle imbalances, etc. and what might be best for me to target. Also about putting muscle on, and what not. That is actually one thing that is quite annoying now actually. Despite being at a higher weight now, I still do feel quite weak, though I don’t recall if before at this weight, while still losing if I had been weaker/ lost strength and just accepted it or was able to lift more/ do more. In any case, it is what it is. I do miss that in a way. It’s funny, how I can miss that and get annoyed in a way when I feel my arms and be like, “damn there’s nothing there” but then at once when I look at them be like…no. Or it’s like..they’re thin but not? They’re not dense, but then there’s not much to them but then I want there to be but not? Man this is confusing.
With my legs, I think I still have a fair amount of muscle mass, albeit probably fatigued and tired. I am wondering actually what I should do tomorrow for me pre-session meal. I made it at nine, despite that usually being my mid-morning snack time. I want to be more flexible and since that is the time he proposed, I decided to accept it. I keep thinking I want a quick smoothie of some sort, as if desiring a protein shake. Actually not protein though, or well a more balanced one…almost want to go out and buy a supplement to try, if not so expensive. Well, I will figure out something I suppose.
I am glad that I am able to experience this in a way. Despite how the ED may try and make me feel horrible, in some ways it feels worth it. At once the ED throws out the idea of relapse, as though it is only “letting me” do this, so it can “have fun” ravaging my body and mind again “the next time”, worse than ever. Hey, maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but until then, when it tries I’ll just have to take it along for the ride and go with it anyways. I can’t control it, but God can.
In terms of getting a job right, now I feel my body healing seems more important, but at once am looking still. I believe God will have one show up/ be there when it is time. At once though, my mom suggested something I am perhaps going to try, that is a dog walking business. Or at least, advertise around for myself. Now I think I shall go and look up how to make my own design for fliers…or at least how or if it is okay to use designs off the internet on such fliers? I have an idea of what I want already and if I had any artistic skill would draw it, however I do not. Maybe I will ask someone I know…Ah. Yay. Being able to breathe in and truly relax and feel at ease. This is nice. I am trying to take it in while it is, and not worry so much about when it isn’t. Amen.