Expectation of food or idealization of it and then reality

In my mind it is really confusing. I think when I look at other people eat or talk about food, to me the idea that food is great, tastes good, etc. is more in their mind and ideas surrounding it than the actual food and taste of it there of…If that makes sense. I have these ideas at times, or possible desire to try different foods, but then there is this sigh of “What is the point?” What is the point in the variety, and differences, it is there and then it is gone and then it’s all confusing like…What was the point? Was that even real?

Actually that last part seems like a big one for me, though it may seem strange, “Was that even real?” It’s not like you can see flavor or taste, etc. or even enjoyment. The act of eating things is really weird when I look at it. The newness in things I suppose is overwhelming and perhaps always has been for me, as a child I recall basically always ordering the same thing at places and having satisfaction in that, perhaps rather than the flavor of food itself. I knew there were foods I was “supposed to” enjoy and others not so much, or were just a bit off(?).

There is this idea of enjoying food, but a lot of the times when I have this idea, it is more of an aesthetic reason. Foods that look nice and by that stretch people often seem to enjoy it more as if it were to enhance the flavor, or feel more “right” in their minds? Take California Donuts. I mean those donuts look really aesthetically pleasing to me. They’re bright and pretty. The Panda is cute, but if I dissect it more…It’s like…Eh. Then it’s like…Yeah, that’d probably be disappointing…Eh that’s stupid, it just looks cute but…Something. Like I want to but no because it’d probably be like a less dressed up donut, but then the Oreo on top will just jolt my brain with confusion and disappointment and judgment of “I could have just put an Oreo on top of my own donut and gotten regular frosting and it would be the same no matter how it looks!” Damn my brain just judges the hell out of things really, it can’t just enjoy things. But it says to do so would be “wrong” but that kind of sucks the fun out of things. Not being able to just be, because it seems stupid. Kind of like how in my Statistics class there was this one girl who was always acting a bit childish and on more than one occasion I was known to kill her apparent fun; to me it was just wasting time…Probably like how eating different things and then disappointment seems to be wasting time and money.

I don’t know, it seems like I am “supposed to” try different foods, but then it doesn’t seem worth the hassle and lack of enjoyment; That is I can’t really imagine it becoming more enjoyable either, more like just a sort of chore I try to force? Perhaps just like holidays as a kid, at some point even my mom noted how I never really liked them but tried to do holiday things because it felt more obligatory.

*shrugs*

Oh well, I guess if God wants me to, I will go that way, I can’t do anything about it, but just have faith He will work.

Daily Anxieties, food and otherwise related.

Part of me wishes I could be one of those people who has “Fear foods” and challenges things and eats different things as if it were some sort of game. In the least it makes it feel more concrete, like you have something to strive for. In a sense though one might say mine is so broad, doing anything could be as such. I don’t have fear foods. (And here is where it feels like there is some giant cognitive blind spot for me which should be very obvious or probably is to others where my mind just blanks out and can’t accept anything others might say because it feels like a lie or something…I need to stop adding the “or somethings” and so on because it is anxiety OCD/driven to make sure a sort ambiguity is placed, lest I was not clear enough, or may have misspoken, to make it come off softer rather than statement of fact so I can clarify if need be…or something. What the heck..) Anything that is not what I normally eat is a fear food. The foods I eat are fear foods. They cause me anxiety, I wonder how they will effect me, I wonder if I will feel okay after I eat them, still wanting more or too full, messing up my digestion, or making it better? So since it all basically has that reaction it’s not really fair to say anything is a fear food…though perhaps on a certain scale there is. There are no foods that are “right” all times of day, that I can have without anxiety any time of day. Different times, and what I’ve had prior dictate what is okay or not at a certain time. And even if it might feel okay physically…or is it psychologically? I don’t know, but even then it can technically seem “Wrong”, like I shouldn’t, because if something is changed as to where I’d have to accommodate, then it comes off as wrong.

I suppose however that right there is what I have to deny. If I am still holding onto the idea that it is wrong, that itself is the issue, not whatever food or time it is. There is also that issue of hunger though. I have things often timed and planned out, that when it comes to challenging at different times, I often do not want food…am not “hungry” feel full, or uncomfortably bloated (but then again, don’t I always?) Anxiety definitely can contribute to that feeling though as well, making me feel a bit nauseated from fear and not in the least wanting food. Part of me feels like that is why I often like being caught up in doing things busily. At the same time it seems like a bit of a positive rather than letting the hours go by agonizingly by worrying I am going to feel hungry before the next time I am allowed to eat and some how end up eating before that time and over eating and feeling full, and/or feeling full and being afraid as the time goes by I will some how eat more and feel even more full and disgusting and gross and just keep eating with no ability to stop myself and continually just worrying over that, trying to distract with menial things, walking around while still being afraid of that…Yeah, my life for years now. Thank God it has improved, though even now in the afternoons especially (like before work as I mentioned yesterday) I notice that fear. With nothing concrete to do though, I sense that is particularly part of the issue….or rather the fear of doing sedentary things and “Getting fat”, and/or the fact by doing so it tends to make my anxiety rise and feel hyper focused on how uncomfortable my body feels…Again, thank God, not as much recently, it’s more like it is “there” but if I just break through it and do it, it isn’t so bad.

Random quote…

From, "Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" by Ian Osborn

From, “Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder” by Ian Osborn

Well, there is that. Not sure what else to say, but felt like getting that out there.

Anyone who can relate, have some sort of advice or insight might be greatly appreciated as well.

Schedule changing and therefore food anxiety…

Being that my shift at work has so far been anywhere from 3:30 PM to 7:00 PM, or 4/4:30 PM to around 8 PM, that means I don’t get to eat at my normal dinner time…Which makes me feel like I am eating too much prior to that. Like half an hour or so before I go in I’ve been having a “snack” which is generally like a coffee/ latte or something to that effect. It really bothers me for some reason though, like I am stuffing myself before hand and don’t need it. I admit I am afraid of being hungry while stuck at work even though it is only like four hours. I think the anxiety is mainly because I get off late and my OCD rules do not allow for me to eat anything substantial late at night. It isn’t convenient also as I go to sleep usually around 9 PM, and wake up at 4:30 AM and have breakfast at 4:45 AM before I go run… I don’t know why I fear being hungry though, it sounds stupid, but it’s like some deep seated psychological fear, as if thinking back to when I was really starving or something…Was I ever really starving? But that’s also why it feels stupid, like who cares if I feel hungry, I’ve dealt with much worse before and survived…but I guess it (my brain? Body?) doesn’t want to relive that or go anywhere near it. I am trying to be logical and take a deep breath and go forward anyways. Maybe I will feel hunger, maybe not, but whatever happens God allows…I am afraid of how the time will pass by, how it could be agonizing…yet again, rather than thinking or imagining how things are psychologically or could be, instead trying to just accept the moments when I actually look at them…I don’t know if that is coming off correctly. But think of say when someone has a panic attack or break down…It could be in the middle of a serene, calm forest but in their mind it is hell. So rather than all the feelings and thoughts, I am trying to focus on what is “Actually” going on outside of my mind. It would be nice though if my body actually co-operated as well and didn’t feel so bloated, which makes me feel anxious, as if it is proof that I am indeed eating too much all of the time and need to stop. Part of me knows this is distorted though…but don’t know what to do about the distended stomach feeling. Oh well. Life still moves on apparently.

Anxiety around food, and other sorts of stimuli due to not the thing itself but all the thoughts surrounding them

Or something like that.

I am starting to realize how disordered my perception of food is in a more…What is the word? Intrinsic sort of way? It isn’t so much as foods themselves, but this idea of how they “should” be, or rather how they “should” feel. How I am “supposed to” feel after eating them, or while eating them, the anxiety or lack thereof, the texture, the way it is “right” or “wrong” the alarm bells that seem to go off basically in judging everything constantly as I am eating. The idea that I am eating it too quickly, it is too easy to eat, too soft, what if I don’t feel full and end up eating more, is this too crunchy, what if it then makes somehow messes up my stomach, what if I haven’t chewed it well enough? This texture, this flavor, this feeling, it feels like my body is going to react badly, I’m scared my body isn’t used to it….Something like that, it’s not like it is really all these thoughts so much as the feeling of fear that almost synesthetically releases such ideas.

The idea of eating for flavor confuses and scares my brain. I start to question what exactly is flavor? I don’t even know. Or do I? It’s such a bizarre sort of thing. The idea of different flavors scares me and wonder “what is right?” Is this supposed to taste good? Or bad? What do other people think of it? That is probably the issue right there, the idea of basing what tastes “good” or “bad” based on other peoples perceptions or words, which may all together be different or even lying, and is subjective…I think. Not just flavor, but in combination with texture and volume or shape, etc…It’s all very confusing. There are apparently so many different flavors of things, all these things people think taste good…That’s what is weird to me, when people like so many different foods or like “all” foods, all flavors, etc…it’s like well then what is the benchmark for good? Or rather since flavors can vary so much it’s confusing to think one food can be good and so can another even if their flavors are opposing…. Spicy versus bland, sweet, sour, salty…Crunchy, smooth, hot, cold…and so on. My mind is probably (aha) too rigid in thinking there is one specific “have to” that needs to rule all the time, or at specific times or places or whatever.

Being afraid my body doesn’t feel right, being afraid after I’ve eaten something it doesn’t feel right; even if in that moment it doesn’t feel “right” or “wrong’ but simply is, my mind is still afraid it will somehow change; and it is afraid to meet that feeling…Even though it basically never comes, or when it does, such as the feeling of hunger itself, it doesn’t really matter, it is fine. Nothing terrible happens; and yet my mind goes crazy before hand feeling like it is something I *cannot* handle, though in reality I would have to, it’s not like I would suddenly drop dead…Though with such massive anxiety that or passing out often would feel easier, aha.

For instance yesterday after my final, as finals are at a different time from normal class, I was out until almost 5 PM. I was out though and had no choice but to deal with it and ride my bike home. All the while my mind just wanted to freeze somehow, as if not accepting reality would make it change, yet now it seems I am able to grasp the concept that falling into that despair doesn’t do anything, neither does the massive onslaught of anxiety…It is not even like I have realize that so much as my brain has and as such does not bring on the onslaught and I am much more easily able to abate it when it feels like it is going to creep in. Now it kind of tries, but the huge wave doesn’t come. Instead of the 10 or so minute bike ride feeling agonizing as I go down the street with my thoughts pulverizing me and anxiety crushing me physically with the “this is wrong. This can’t be real. This isn’t supposed to be happening” It is kind of more like a bunch of deep breaths and somehow evading them, trying to let them fall off as I go down the street…It’s not like they’re not there and yet it is…it is odd to explain.

I feel like I am almost at that point where I want to try new foods and deal with whatever consequences and/or feelings. I think I will be surprised in sorts of how there may be a lack of physical response, as part of me knows very much that angst and uncomfortable feeling is actually psychological not so much physical. At once I wonder how much of that is confused though, since I have a habit of also thinking physical pain isn’t real and is simply made up in my head. I have a hard time dealing with physical feels at times though, feeling like I should not be feeling this or that, it “should not” have happened, etc. but am realize that it is actually natural in a way. Maybe you think it shouldn’t have happened, but still it is something that does happen and basically “should” be something one can overcome quite easily. I don’t know when exactly I became so overly sensitive and hiding away from these sorts of sensations/ stimuli. Part of me feels like it is actually some sort of over compensation from when I was really disordered in my sophomore year of high school and overly did it, looking to deal with such sensations on a heightened level, and a sort of burn out and then wanting to escape it all…?

It is easier in a way to keep things ordered as I know them, but the physical sensations that come from such are not all to pleasant either. There is also that fact that in my mind, the idea of feeling okay is also something that can feel “wrong”. I notice how often my body is tense, and if I check and part of my body I generally have to consciously relax, as it is not the norm for me. Part of my mind also wants to resist, saying “but that is not right to be relaxed” and if asking why, it would probably be simply because that is not how things have been. Which is a stupid answer. My body aches and while I try to stretch there is this stupid attitude that has prevailed for a while not of then it feels tight, best just leave it alone until it doesn’t, or until it feels “Right” to do so. In reality that only makes things worse. I became very flexible when I was around 14 or 15, and it stayed with me for quite a while, but I think I also compulsively made it so I stretched and did yoga a certain way every single day for the most part. Now I am noting my flexibility has waned, and it brings on some sort of shame that if I can’t do it like before I shouldn’t at all until I can do it just as well. Which doesn’t make sense, so I am sort of softening my mentality (that feels about right in expressing it and thinking of it, how it’s like the thoughts and rigidity crumble perhaps bit by bit, small little hard grains crumbling away and then things around it being able to be soften and smoothed down) to realize even if I can’t do it as well as before, that is the point, to keep going so perhaps I can, rather than a defeatist attitude or basically that of an unreasonable child of just saying “but I want it now!” and accomplishing nothing. Part of me feels excited to perhaps engage in such things, another part is obviously frightened. With my job schedule as it is, it is already challenging things, so there is that, but I wonder what else… I don’t want time all day long to just go along into nothingness like so many other days, though at times when things feel a bit hopeless, the fact that things do still somehow go on despite how my feel can be a positive in a way.

Earlier this morning I was feeling very hopeless, yet it feels like rather than wallow in despair, God is slowly changing my heart from that. Even as I was going out to run, and picking a song on my iPod before I walked out the door, scrolled and was going to pick “Suicide Circus” by the Gazette, and was thought, no let’s not go there…. (Really the lyrics that burn in my mind from that song are “tick, tock, tock, tock, tock. Nobody can rewind time”) and instead scrolled to “Nyappy in the World” by Antic Café, feeling like even if I wasn’t feeling all that upbeat to try and change said mood instead. As Minister spoke on Sunday, he said how if we keep thinking to ourselves “Oh I am miserable, I am miserable, I am miserable. Can I be happy if I think like that? No I can’t.” and how that we should instead then think, “I am happy” or something to that effect, as it is not the situations that cause misery so much as but our mindsets and perceptions; where our hearts are.

In theory when I look at certain foods, objectively, it is like yeah sure, that looks fine, I could eat that, but if I actually consider it, the stimuli and all those judgments flood in with confusion; rather than simply accepting what is. Rather than believing my thoughts though, I should look at what actually is. People around me say to eat boldly, trust God, yet that is confusing when I don’t even know what that means or how…but I suppose He will show me the way if I do.

Fear of Responsibility, Obligation, anything in relation to other people depending on or expecting something…

As I am being dragged more and more towards having to be an adult…At 23 years old, I am realizing more and more how much the idea of any sort of obligation, expectation, standard feels suffocating to me. I think I knew this on some level before, but was able to skirt it off. In high school most notably, hated racing, I hated intervals, I hate having my splits called and knowing how fast I was or was not going, even more so if there was a target time to be at or under. With my own sorts of standards like that, I tend to go into some sort of denial about it, though recently have gotten better about it. Before I couldn’t look at the clock if I knew I was five, ten or fifteen minutes over what my routine used to “have to” be, down to the letter. Anything else was horrifyingly anxiety provoking. I got around it at some point by trying to block out the times, and now am able to look at the times, but I still feel the anxiety arise, and my body tense, as I cringe and look at the time, comparing it to what it “should” be, all the while knowing it doesn’t really have to be….In that sense also facing up to the reality in regards to numbers, to either accept it or make change based on the reality. Not knowing doesn’t change the reality of things.

Today I took my statistics class final and really do not think I passed the class. This is the third time; actually the previous two times I wouldn’t have actually considered it actually taking the classes…I didn’t go and couldn’t do any of the work I was so anxious, basically. This time I was actually able to participate much more, however that doesn’t seem like it was enough. The new rule in our district is only being allowed to take a class three times and then that is it, so I am not sure how this will go, or what to do next if I did not pass. With this, also, I have no summer classes, nor have I signed up for fall. I don’t understand the point in doing so honestly. I have no major and no aim as far as what I want to do. In all honesty, while I think I am going to school (am I even?) so I may get a degree and pursue a more fulfilling future/ job, career or what not, that also puts massive amounts of anxiety on me, to where I immediately want to pull away and disappear. The idea of having a position with responsibility is paralyzing to me. I can’t imagine doing anything that has any sort of responsibility. My immediate reaction is that I will fail. I am inexperienced in what ever field it may be. Logically starting out everyone is, but I fear making a mistake and failing others, and how it effects them. That bothers me so much. Even if others think it may or may not be a big deal, for some reason it horribly bothers me as if reflecting on me morally as a person….Of course my brain is going “Only evil continually, Genesis 6:5 what else do you expect? Do you think you are good?” Apparently some part of me must think I can still do something if it is afraid of failure. Or perhaps it doesn’t want to be revealed as a failure, as if that is the end all be all. Logically I know it is not, that failure is in a sense, how you grow and learn.

This episode of the Fairly Odd Parents from when I was in middle school came to mind just now..

I also have a new job now, but as such I almost want to give it up as well, the stress feels like too much, or like I may never get it and that they will fire me…Yet, don’t I feel like that in everything for the most part, especially new things? I don’t even know if there is a job I think I could do. Once under the supervision of others, no matter what I do I am suddenly afraid it is wrong…This has me think of when last Monday I was having fellowship with Minister and he was basically saying how if the word of God says we are righteous then we are righteous, but he started it with how it is natural, and asked me for instance, “1+1 is what?” and I answered two of course, but all of a sudden in my own mind I even doubted that in my ability to answer it correctly…Simply due to the fact I was responding to someone else…?

My new job is in a Japanese American take out place. I am technically a cashier, but it is not just ringing up food, but helping put together the dishes, bagging them and giving them to the customer. I have to get a “Food handlers” card or something like that soon as well. It is fast paced, which I like, but at once is anxiety provoking. My lack of ability to move quickly I fear will fail me. It’s ironic I run, but it’s like in everyday things I feel like my reflexes have slowed, not being able to do coordinated things too quickly, add to the fact this is something new, I take way to long, trying to get the exact right amount of rice in the carton, or box, scooping the French fries into the bag, etc….Then I have to remember all the plates and what goes with what, the ponzu, hot mustard, miso dressing, sweet chili, teriyaki and yakiniku sauces…. I feel like I am inept in able to even do this job. I feel like I should save them the trouble of hiring me (90 day probation period). It’s only been two weeks or so now. Part of me is like, “You will never get it, it’s impossible.” the other is like maybe you will…or maybe just wait for them to kick you out. The idea of this sort of thing being second nature is really odd though. Though I suppose my mind thinks learning anything new and being comfortable with it as very odd. That is generally what I like though; getting proficient enough with something, to where I am comfortable with it and it isn’t always causing massive anxiety, and can be perfunctory to a point…Probably not good in a sense in terms of growth, but in some ways I really just like the consistency…Perhaps it is that I like the idea of learning so much as it doesn’t directly effect anything else going on at the same time…? Like that makes sense…Not really. I like flow, how when I learn certain topics, it just goes and clicks. I don’t like the start and stop of other things and back tracking, pauses, going forward, erasing, back pedaling…So it sounds like I don’t like learning, aha. Yet my mind wants to say, “but I do like learning, but I don’t like being wrong.” Though I often tend to learn best through trying, I fear that, or fear making mistakes while trying.

So what am I going to do now? I have no idea. I really don’t even know how to search or look or think about it or decide. My brain is apparently slow on the uptake, being like, “oh I really am alive and apparently life still is somehow going on even though I can’t comprehend how or why exactly.” This fear of obligation, it really just makes me want to run away. I really can’t imagine being a functioning adult and managing things on my own. It has me think back to the I was a sophomore in high school when my ED first began and talking to my dietician, or rather she was talking. She mentioned something to the effect of perhaps I was afraid to grow up, take on responsibility, etc., but maybe by overcoming this, they could also help me deal with that. I don’t know how that would have actually gone, but in a structured sense I perhaps really would have benefitted. I feel like I am too old now to get any sort of help like that as people seem to think I should just be able to or something…but that is just my own though I suppose, which can be and more than likely is wrong in more than one sense. Thinking back to what that dietician says makes me wish I could go back, yet desiring such does not make it so. How I wish so much at times I could go back and do things over…and yet, fear it wouldn’t really be any different. Would my choices be? Would I have been able to go to college? Live in a dorm or apartment alone? That is in some sense, very frightening. Going to classes regularly, perhaps sports or the cross country team like a “normal” student? Again, very frightening, but at once I feel if I wasn’t stuck in such a comfortable(?) rut as I am, they would not be so frightening, or in the least I would not know this sick hole routine I positioned myself in to stay away from such things rather than deal with it. Perhaps that is the thing right there. I gave up such “normalcy” for this pseudo idea of being safe. Part of me would like to go out and be normal, another part reviles such ideas, thinking that is the stupidest thing ever, as if how I live now is some how above all that. I am pretty sure others would pity that, and the part that reviles such normalcy would want to scoff and say who cares what they think….So where do I actually stand on this? Confused. Indeed, when I am in class, albeit however shortly, or am sitting down studying, or at work, like a “normal” person, something inside of me really squirms at such ordinary-ness. Part of it feels like a haughty, “I am better than this” but that’s funny considering the crippling fear of responsibility, obligation, failure. It is though I can sense though because it thinks time is better spent obsessing over food, calories, exercise, movement, mental rituals, checking, rechecking, trying to be “sure”…As if that makes any sense. In my mind as I do it, it doesn’t feel nice, but at once it is what I have known for so long and on many levels does feel right, as if it is what I am indeed “supposed to do” am good at, can actually do and live up to…and by not am I ironically failing to meet said obligation and skirting responsibility? Aha. Perhaps it takes on that as well. I am not sure where this is going really, but…Well, there it is.

Regional service was at my [grandpa’s] house, and…

That didn’t feel nice… We had regional service/ Bible Study at my [Grandpa’s] house tonight. I already knew Grandpa wouldn’t like it, so I told him this morning. He was annoyed. Then he was annoyed I had to spend money to buy food for it.

Okay, that was kind of expected…What was not, was him well…Idk, his Alzheimer’s and dementia are getting worse. His behaviors more irrational and well, angry. He has a lot of the same theme about everyone. Basically he thinks everyone is dishonest and trying to cheat him. And apparently nobody has a conscience…because everything they do apparently bothers him and you know…Something.

Our dogs were outside and wanted to come in. He made it worse by standing there looking at them, which makes them just cry more like, “wtf won’t you let us in?” Which had him getting more angry, like “Wtf won’t these people get out of my house?”

He did at some point actually shout at them and say if they were going to stay or something to that effect. He also said “Bye” half joking before, as in “get out, it’s time for you to leave.” He tried to let the dogs in. I stopped him. I asked him why it bothered him so much. He said he wanted them out of his house. He says that about everyone though. It’s really sad when you think about it though. He excludes everyone and everything, yet that doesn’t make him happy…but apparently everything also makes him unhappy. Or so he thinks…

That’s the sad thing and his hang up on money. He’s saying how he has given me money, and basically hating the fact I spent it on food for the Bible Study. I’m thinking then, what does he expect to do with money? Keep it forever and not spend it? [Yes] Sigh…It’s sad to think he is this way and 80…Almost 81 years old. It’s sad because yes he has Alzheimer’s now, but he was like this before…it’s just more aggressive now in a sense…or perhaps showing more. It makes you wonder how miserable and unhappy his life is. I sometimes have wondered how he has lived all these years… I mean, I am 23, and he basically retired when I was in 1st grade. After that he’s had the same basic routine. Get up, shower, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, coffee, etc…Never went anywhere really, maybe fishing, and to the market….For years now. For most of my life. Repetitively, every single day almost without variation. Growing up, he wasn’t very nice or happy either. Him and my mom got in a fight to where they didn’t speak for years over how he treated my cousin that lived here at the time. My cousin actually had to move out because of how bad my grandpa treated him and my Grandma said it just wasn’t fair/ right for my cousin to live there and have to put up with that.

I wonder if at any point my grandpa really was happy in life? It’s kind of scary though when I look at it, when I ask myself how could he for so many years, basically since I was born have such a boring repetitive, isolated life and not hate existence? On the other hand…hasn’t he? Yet apparently when asked about suicide or wanting to hurt himself, he looked at the psychologist like they are crazy, saying something like “Why would I want to do that?” so apparently he values his life…just…It’s sad. At once, we don’t want to collide. I don’t want to clash with him, but not doing so leaves him as is…Yet clashing feels worse when it seems like no matter what one does, he will remain the same.

Yet afterwards he didn’t get as angry as I thought…Maybe it was because it was late and he was tired or…He realized he was being a jerk and actually showed it to them when he basically yelled at them to get out. He was criticizing them, “They have no conscience.” “They must be bad people if they have to pray that long” “They didn’t even apologize.”…. I don’t know, it’s like….It doesn’t even occur to him just…How people are? That not everything revolves around him? Yet again, I feel myself reflected in that as well… Just like the repetitive living for at least as long as I have been alive…I’ve lived like that for years and it felt unbearable…does still at times. I think about the runner man I see who is so compulsive and limps terribly, but I’ve seen since I was at least four years old and he is still going… I wonder if I could have ended up like that…Having endured so much pain and not being able to stop. Being like that would honestly frighten me. Or rather, I don’t know if I’d be able to endure so long…or want to. I’d probably rather want to die first….Yet I suppose this is God showing me that I could be like that if not for Him, so me receiving salvation is certainly mercy and grace, opening my eyes to these things which I could not see of myself…. So just like not wanting to clash with my grandpa in a way, because it feels hopeless…Just like God has clashed in intervened in my life…It may not feel “nice” but it is necessary to change.

…Which, by the way I have a new job as of this last Tuesday night/ Wednesday night, depending on how you look at it… Totally screws up my routine and things feel off and not “real”, but hey… Apparently it is…or isn’t. Whatever. I guess that is totally why I need to rely on God.

Ingrained Judgments

The more I look at it, the more I realize how many messed up judgments I have about food. Not even so much in an “ED” way of fear, but OCD, like regarding textures or feel, density, etc,, how it a food doesn’t feel “right” or normal, not like “usual” or how it is “supposed to be”. That idea of how it is supposed to be being a big one basically…or encompassing all of them. This idea of “it’s not supposed to be like that” which is actually unfounded and then controlling, despite it not being true and nothing bad coming of things afterwards despite that “not supposed to be” other than the dark cloud of judgment weighing down. When I look at it though, that is long engrained. I was like that as a kid. When we went out to eat, I would always pick the same thing. The idea of picking something else didn’t feel “right”. If we went to a certain restaurant, or certain type of restaurant, etc. there was this idea of “Well you have to order this type of food/ this certain food because that’s what you’re ‘supposed to’ do if you go to this place. It makes me question actual food likes. For instance, as a kid I remember going to McDonalds and thinking I “had to” get a hamburger or cheeseburger. Getting chicken McNuggets seemed so weird. Like “Why would you do that? You’re SUPPOSED TO get the hamburger, and it tastes better.” But did I think that because it tasted better because it was “supposed to”? Even now, I note that type of thinking. It’s so odd. When it comes to chocolate or vanilla flavors for instance. I think I’m “supposed to” like the chocolate flavor better, because “it is chocolate” so therefore I do…even though I don’t…but by picking vanilla I feel as though I am wrong and somehow missing out even though experience tells me chocolate flavor pretty much always feels lacking to me somehow.

 

I remember going to get pizza, and pizza “has to” have pepperoni. Why? Because it has to, otherwise it’s not pizza. So when you go to some pizza place where they have a bunch of other toppings, that are all different it feels “wrong” in my mind even now…even now, aha. But yeah. Does it taste good? Yeah? Maybe? I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel “right” because we were supposed to have pizza, and pizza like this is not like I imagine it “should” be! – that’s the type of rigid thinking that sucks the enjoyment out of everything, really. The idea of how it “should” be… I find just letting go of desire to be easier in a way right now though… That is, I am clinging to certain “should” but when they aren’t, trying to work around and accept it in a way. This idea of how things “should” be though, it’s odd. My mind questions that. Like “authentic” food. Is less authentic less good? Is it simply a matter of preference and perception…judgment? I think my mind doesn’t like the fact there isn’t a “Right” answer and/or that people would argue the fact, but I suppose there are very few things all humans could agree upon…if any? (1+1=2?)

The idea of eating “healthy foods” as a kid as well. I felt like anyone saying they liked “healthy food” to be a lie. That is, you like it…as a healthy food. It doesn’t taste good compared to something else, but you like it “because” it is healthy. In that same vein I also felt then I shouldn’t really enjoy “healthy food” because, it shouldn’t be a matter of enjoyment, but health. So if I like/ like something that is “healthy” or low in calories, etc. I seriously question it because it’s like “Am I just liking it because it is healthy and don’t really like it?” How subjective is this though, to know “really”. I mean if you like something, you would think it is obvious…You’d think. Yet is it? I am finding more and more, it isn’t things that cause my anxiety or discomfort, etc. but my perception and mind set, the judgment itself. If I shift it, it doesn’t matter. So how is that when you apply it to choice of food or anything else for that matter? I recall a few years ago when I lived with my dad, and we were in the car, and I was drinking a smoothie. The texture was off, and it was “wrong” but I remember shifting it to “no, now you have to learn how to appreciate the smoothness of the smoothie” versus before I guess I liked the different pieces or something, idk. Actually I do that with almost all foods in a way. I have both creamy and crunchy peanut butter in my cabinet. Switching from one to another is much more difficult than it should be. I have to change modes in my mind somehow to the “yes it is supposed to be this way, you can like it” when going from creamy, to crunchy and how they differ…Man that sounds ridiculous, but it feels like a batter in my head trying to figure out “Which is better” or “which is right” when really, there isn’t a “right” answer. (Right??) It’d be a matter of preference at the time that is allowed to change. (Right??)

I guess this is a sort of set shifting in a way and perhaps what they talk about in EDs, that those with AN have impaired set shifting or something to that effect. I have a feeling there is probably even more I have yet to discover on this regarding my own judgment and way of thinking. It has me thinking back though to when I was a little kid. How long have I done this? What influenced it I wonder to think in such rigid ways? It can be changed, but I wonder how long and how many choices were influenced in this way? I know my Dad has told me, quite remorsefully really, how basically from the time I could talk, when it came to making choices, when I picked something, often (or always?) he would put that down, and pick what he wanted, basically to make it more convenient for him. So what little choice or freedom in picking things, he basically squashed until I just didn’t ask, or didn’t pick. I kind of just accepted. Perhaps in that way is why my mind kept rigid ways of how things “should be”, and/or clung to them when I found one that was “Right”. Afraid that picking anything else could be immediately slammed down. Actually, that is true regarding many things, as far as interests. It always has scared me in a way to develop certain interests, in fear of how they will be perceived. I didn’t listen to music for a long time because of being afraid of judgment regarding what music I may like, and if it was “Right”. It was even more confusing because people can say they hate on artist or band, etc., call a certain genre stupid, while others may like it. Again, I guess it is subjective but that didn’t work in my mind. Now I kind of get it…though still a bit confused if I think about it. This may sound terrible, but say if someone says they like country music, I think to myself “But don’t you know you’re not supposed to and everyone is supposed to hate it?” that’s a perceived notion I picked up from people at some point apparently.

When you get to the topic of food and nutrition, obviously that gets even more confusing. I was thinking about it earlier as well in regards to people whom are in recovery and post the pictures of their food. I mentioned prior how food choices, etc. to me can often still really seem to be anxious/ disordered; yet looking at it, most accounts I think, are to portray recovery, so that is, making progress and perhaps while still knowing “this isn’t normal” working on it…I think the problem may be if others look at it as something to emulate. Often like many other groups as well, like minded also stick together and perhaps perpetuate the idea of normalcy…but again, what is that? Everything can seem so varied and subjective from the outside, but motives at heart are what really matter. Even then, how can one judge? What one wants, to be healthy, or content, etc…Is it even that people want to be healthy, or simply feel content, which to them may feel “healthy” because they “feel” healthy? I don’t think I want health. I think I want a perceived notion of it. I think that is part of the reason I wouldn’t really bother posting my food or telling people about it. When people ask me what I eat, I usually get anxious…First off I think it’s odd they ask such a thing, but what is it do them? ED or no ED, but I think there can often be different motives in asking as well. If it’s someone with an ED, I usually feel like it’s a set up for comparison and/or judgment. Yet I guess that is why I don’t advertise it, because by know, for the most part, regardless of what other people were to say regarding my food in some ways, it would not change what I eat….or that is, I do not necessarily want to, or feel I “can” change it, so I just don’t put it out there; why the unnecessary anguish? Why the sudden delving into the psyche and talk of food judgment, or simply judgment all around? Not quite sure, though I’ve been looking around Instagram blogs (or whatever they are) more and noticing all the intake blogs, and it is probably ED driven on one part, but one part of me really wonders about the mentality behind such things and my own as I look at the different foods, and different words used, perceptions and mindsets regarding such things….It is interesting to say the least.

Venting….Part 2

The line needs to be drawn deeply in my heart. If I am not going to die, then I need to go on living. Not this existing, wishing I could just die, but at once feeling I must live, simply to go on. It is the same as dying…but worse.
To live though seems pointless, for what meaning is there…other than the Gospel. And the flesh being only evil, of course does not want to live for that…so it would rather I just die. I am so afraid I will end up a pastor’s wife…aha. That’s terrible. I guess my flesh would revile that though.
Yet I don’t want to give up “my life” how stupid is that though. It’s not like this makes me happy, to live like this, yet I feel I have to. Like I told samonim the other week, it’s not like it makes sense. It’s like holding onto a bomb until it explodes simply because you’d been holding on to it all the time prior. I have no ambition as far as career or college goes though. It all seems vapid and stupid. To strive in something so meaningless….But isn’t everything I suppose. Ecclesiastes 3:13 comes to mind again…I feel like I am on the precipice of understanding something, but not quite there, as if it is on the tip of my tongue but will not come out.
I want a clear mind. A goal. Life, something to aspire towards. Dreams. At once, I do not. If feels like by doing so, I’d be deluded like so many others into thinking things matter. It seems like that is also saying though, to be happy would to be foolish. That to be happy is ignorance, in not accepting reality… Yet the actual reality, the actual truth which is God, through Jesus Christ is only hope. The law cannot save anyone. It can only condemn. The man hit by robbers could not be saved by the Priest of the Levite, as they left him there, just as the law told them to do basically. Yet Jesus is the Samaritan whom had compassion and saved the man hit by robbers; that man whom was going away from God in Jerusalem, towards the flesh, Jericho.
We are the man whom is half dead, saved by Jesus. I don’t think it applies only in salvation, but perhaps also in spiritual life. I stray, and perhaps while I wouldn’t like to be beaten half to death, it is grace, to be stopped from going towards destruction, and to be lead once again by Jesus. The inn is the church…and this week I feel so alone though, as pretty much everyone has left on a trip. Yet God has given me this circumstance. Again, we don’t like being the man hit by robbers, it feels painful, and yet it is the spot of grace. Apparently in the service I missed yesterday, pastor Ahn talked about how if we don’t have problems and difficulties in actuality it is like God has abandoned us; in actuality, these are good things, that mean God is with us and want to work. If we are worrying, it is actually because we have distrust towards God, thinking he will not work. That is how my heart is a lot, but that is the only way a human heart can be unless God pours grace on us to be able to receive his heart. From the beginning, after Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, they had received Satan’s heart inherently instead of God’s, which they had strayed from. Been deceived away from. That is why, God told the serpent, because he had done such a thing, he was cursed. The first prophecy of Jesus Christ was mentioned in that, the seed of the woman, would be at enmity with him. That is, Jesus. It also says how the serpent would try to strike his heel. That is, he always tries to trip up everything God does, and yet, it states He will bruise the serpents head. He has done away with him. He has no power…I know pastor has said before how the Bible says that God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end? Why not the beginning, the middle and the end? He believes it is because the middle seems to belong to Satan. Yet, with God as the creator and the finisher, there is nothing to fear. What would faith be, if things simply happened as we wish, right this moment? Is faith not towards things hoped, not yet seen? Faith isn’t seeing then believing. It is believing despite seeing.
If I look at my circumstance, as I see my circumstance, then I can only feel hopeless, like nothing will change, or only get worse. Or as if by getting worse it means anything, as if saying the word of God is false. Which is not true. It is true despite whatever it is I see. I remember Pastor Ko telling me, even if I get worse, remember the Bible says I am already healed. Even if I don’t want to get better, the Word of God is still true. To believe that first, despite how bad the circumstance may seem in my eyes. That is faith. At once I fear though because in hearing that, it feels like my flesh wants to use it as an excuse to get worse, which to it feels better. It scares me in a sense, when I feel it smirk on the inside, if that is possible. I am powerless to change it though in myself, much like the earth could only be in darkness, lest God speak. It had no condition to save itself from the darkness, but God just spoke one word, and there was light. God’s word has the ability to change all. Yet often, it seems like humans, unlike everything else in the world, when God speaks, have a will of what they think is their own. Humans of themselves are broken in that way that they often do not react to the word of God. Yet, is it that God’s word cannot work? I do not think so, but God if He so wanted, could pierce through their hard hearts, could he not? And yet does not always. Perhaps for a purpose, which we may not understand, or rather so that we may understand what grace is. Undeserving, and yet can give if He wishes. I feel like at times, even this morning, being really dark, I hate God in that I feel making life, making our existence is extremely selfish of Him, in that it is for Him; and yet we suffer. But we don’t actually suffer because of God, but because of ourselves, and our desires beyond God. That is, what Satan wants us to have. Perhaps God lets us feel that suffering so we may realize it is only suffering and nothing else but in Him is there happiness. I feel so confused often in feeling like that I must constantly feel suffering though in some aspect…if the spirit is happy, the flesh must suffer? I do not speak of the physical flesh in itself, but the flesh, that which is at enmity with the Spirit of God.

Vent….

Oh, how many times have I thought this though and yet things have gone on the same…Oh well.
I so just don’t want to live like this anymore, the constant anxiety over food. I just want to eat, without worrying or “thinking” so much, in a hard wired way that it seems to hurt, as if my thoughts shoot, streamlined through a pipe with voracious force, before any other option can be vied for. Clamber and flail as I might, distressed and anxious, it still gets shot down through the same place again and again, like being hit with a high power stream of water. Drowning, flailing, but then it stops and you get to where it ends, like always. Perhaps catch your breath again, and then back again. Ever been in those waterslide tubes? Like that. No way out, but down…or well, the idea of being able to climb up and out seems impossible. You can’t very well break through it either at that point, lest you somehow develop super powers…
I feel so tired and it makes me anxious because I am not “supposed to” feel tired. My body aches, but I think it is a lie because I am not “Supposed to” feel achy. What have I done to do so? More so I do wonder if anxiety makes it worse. I note my body tensing and how my breathing seems to get shallow every time my grandpa walks by or comes into my room for the hundredth time to feed my guinea pig. Feeling his anger and judgment, waiting for him to mutter something, call me a dumb bastard, or just recently as he walked into my room, I am not sure if he was talking about me or my grandma, but he called one of us a slob. *deep breath*. I imagine living like this for years now without realizing it is not good for my health psychologically or physically…and right now there is a fly on my computer screen but it’d be pointless in trying to kill it as I’ll probably just miss anyways, or it’ll be off by the time I get the fly swatter.
I want to “not care” about food, but rather than change, I just want to accept as things are, or as they ‘should be.” That is, perhaps it sounds distorted and/or cowardly, but rather than fighting the thoughts, I rather accept them…and not fight them. It is the fighting them or feeling I “shouldn’t” or “should” do something else that makes it tiring and anxiety provoking. [Grampa just walked by my door way and made a laughing sound which pisses me off. He is laughing at me. I hate that. So much.]
Now I have statistics homework to do, which I do not comprehend, yet somehow just do. I find the pattern and plug in numbers accordingly. Move onto the next section, forget the prior, learn the next pattern, get annoyed if it is not simple, do the work….Sigh….If I can even do it.

Progression or lack there of…and realization of such which is a sort of progression and freeing in a way

Reading some “Recovery” blogs on Tumblr and what not, I’ve come across pages where people have things they strive for food wise, things they want to eat/ be able to eat, over come the anxiety, certain places to go and eat, do things, etc. “Normal” things. Eat your birthday cake on your birthday for instances. Eat a normal “traditional” meal, like on say Thanksgiving or something. These make me sad for some reason. And in some way disturbed. Perhaps it is just the ED that is disturbed, I realize there is this thought that arises of “Why would you want to do those things?” I (in congruence apparently with the ED) find that horrifying. Why would you want to be “normal”? In that way at least? Why would I want to be okay with doing those things? In my mind they apparently lead to bad things and it would be “bad” enough to do them, let alone feel okay doing them. Yes, it’s all disordered. I think. You know, my mind tries to tell me otherwise. I realize here is also why I do not move forward in terms of “recovery” I don’t really even like that word though, but if I had to put a label I guess that is technically what it is. Or something. Or the opposite….or um…something. I don’t think I am in “denial” of whatever it is I am “in”, but as I have thought before, it’s really frustrating to live everyday feeling like you are self sabotaging and don’t know which side is the sabotage. Is it the side saying to eat or the side saying not to? The side saying eat more or the side saying not to? The side saying to exercise more or the side saying not to? The side saying try something else or the side saying not to? Depends right? And if I don’t know where I stand then…Well, distress pretty much all day long. But that is a bit of the norm…

In any case, this has gotten me to realize, I don’t want to “Recover” from this. Or at least in terms of progressing further in food choice or changing that sort of thing, I do not want to. I don’t see the point and “enjoying” other things seems repulsive and well, yeah, like I stated above. Trying different things too, I do not want to do even though it limits me greatly in a way. I only feel bad about it though in that I feel I am “supposed to” and/or “supposed to want to” do those things, and wish I could and perhaps strive for it and so on. But no. I don’t. Part of me wants to get over that too, because I’m supposed to want to want to…what the heck. In any case, I’m not sure what I should do with that. It feels kind of freeing though. Man, my OCD keeps wracking me with stupid scrupulosity thoughts though…