Things are moving forward

I would say “for once”, but then it is more like everything that has occurred has made it so that it can be so. Thank God. He has finally made it so, in that which, moving forward in life, I can go forward through strength, or despite strength, not of my own will but of His. I think back to in August, when I was near or at my worst, but had been graced with being able to break through the ED voice and at least maybe want to recover and be able to try since the ED voice was quieted due to being sick with a cold or something of the sort. How prior I felt no hope and didn’t want any prayer, and felt like I couldn’t pray to God for hope, and only felt like I could pray that He would kill me. Then after that though, I told samonim I wanted to get a prayer from Pastor Park, and then she said okay. We went down the stairs after one of his sermons, and followed him to his office, where he prayed for me. I honestly don’t remember much of it at all because I was so out of it at the time, but I know samonim said he prayed something like for me to have a healthy mind and body. I always keep that in mind as I go forward, because as much as the OCD, ED/Satan may want otherwise, his prayer has power, as God’s word has power, which already says it is finished and that I am already healed by faith. I remember when I received Salvation, being scared and at once super happy. It wasn’t I that was scared but rather Satan, though on some level perhaps preempting me because Satan knew He had lost, I was God’s but he seemed to say he would make it as difficult as possible along the way for me to be healed of this outwardly. I was and am free from sin and any condemnation, free from Hell fire, but Satan was going to try and make this world a living hell for me in the mean time; but at once I didn’t have to worry because I knew in the end God would win. That is probably too why when I first received Salvation I had the heart that I could live like how I was until I died and be okay, because God had saved me. Though that does show me how I did not, and perhaps still do not precisely know God’s heart. He does not want us to have to suffer or be in pain here either. At least not always, but it is a process. Or to say, pain does not have to be pain if we have faith. Something like that, aha.

So I now have a job, which my hours are yet to really be established, but it is helping/ working with disabled children and young adults. I’ve had training and one substitute job that was with another person. This Saturday I will be shadowing someone and then Sunday, the actual job to see if I am a fit/ the parents like me.

Starting April 18th, I will be resuming school. I have finally a clear cut path of sorts in terms of what field I want to go in, thank God. In and through my own experiences that God has given, and job searching the last few months, finding this college through Grace, I found what seems to be the perfect, exact degree I want, which is sports and rehabilitation therapy. It is a combination of being a physical therapy aide of sorts and a massage therapist; Since my previous certification as a massage therapist expired, I had been looking to repursue it, but felt like it was lacking on it’s own, and then as God would so have it, provided me with this opportunity, which is beautiful.

I actually feel like it started when I received a promise, or faith through one of my friends. I think I mentioned it prior, but I had gotten a phone call for a different job; which required sitting in a booth all day at a mall and I was like, “Ah, god, why?!?! Jesus!” and then told my friend. At which, he responded, “Don’t worry. God will give you an awesome job.” It was simply but at that moment, I realized he was right; why had I not thought that before? Why did I feel like it would be something terrible and/or pointless and overwhelming and soul draining? So I went forward in that. Right after I got a call from a massage therapy school and spa. I went forward to pursue that feeling it would be the one, but it wasn’t, however from my interview and something the woman said it said like God was speaking to me through her. When she asked why I wanted to go to school for this, when I’d already done so before? It was true, I didn’t feel adequate, but it also was in some sense backing down because I felt I was afraid I would fail. I wanted stability, baby steps in some humanistic way, but rather now, God is providing me the way. Both in my current job and education to whatever my career path may be, though I already have a vision of sorts towards it, however vague, I imagine, or feel that as I move forward and learn more, will piece it together, if God allows.
I have been able to break out of my totalizing routing and food rigidity more than ever, even though sometimes, or a lot of the times it is still frustrating, I am realizing more and more everyday, it is something I have to face if I don’t want to be controlled by it. That is the consequence. Of course, at once I could never do it without God’s grace. It is like He hold’s back all of the evil Satan might want to besiege on me. All the dark thoughts that linger or try to seep in, being aware they are there, and perhaps to some extent even not. It being grace the more and more I understand. Really getting a handle and understanding how the brain works, how the human heart is, it makes it much easier in some ways to maneuver. I have also recently done an interview/ five questions on EverybodyHasaBrain.com which I talk about how I have come to understand things more and more, which I am forever grateful. It is scary and at once freeing. it feels surreal to feel like I am being more and more detached from the disorders every day. On some level I feel I may still be deluded, but that is to say, this is much better than how I was before, or maybe today is just a good feeling day, either way. One cannot deny progress I suppose; though again, I don’t want it to be a farse. As I keep remembering what Mark Freeman says, that we have to tackle underlying patterns and beliefs, otherwise we will always feel a pull to go back to whatever it was we were doing before; if we still think it was right, and whatever else is “wrong” of course we will want to go back. In that sense, I feel like I have had to reconcile and decide what my values really are and what I want to go forward in, rather than just being dragged around by initial fear and such. Of course I also always worry about ego in some sense, but I don’t want to develop some egotistical view; though in some sense we all are that way, completely, as we can’t not see things from our own view points, hence perhaps why I am always wary to state things at times because I know there is a chance there is something I may not know; but as such always want to learn and know more. Or Maybe not always, because that is probably deluded, but I am aware to a point and try to keep an open mind.
Don’t look for an answer that proves what you want or disproves another, simply look for what the actual truth is despite those things and move towards that.

As for today, I went to visit my great grandma with my Dad earlier, which I was at first dreading, for fear of messing up my “routine” and while driving there felt he might want to go to lunch, but almost, kind of thought that might be nice. I realized though, if I chose my routine, that was basing my life on it, and on fear, which is not what I wanted the point to be, but rather to live and do and try different things despite it. At which, when there he texted me while talking to his grandma and asked about going to lunch. I said okay, and we went, and I didn’t hate him, and the food was manageable and we had an okay time. Yay!

Okay, that seems like enough for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you feel…?

Aaand today felt taxing, so I felt it’d be good to decompress in a way by writing. I suppose I will leave of where I was last, let me see, hit by car, got to doctor. Oh right, then I had to file a report, or at least did since my mom said it was best as her and my step-dad tried to contact the people that hit me but they wouldn’t answer the phone or respond to a message.

Either way, I went back and forth to different CHP and police stations because the intersection I got hit is right where three cities meet, and depending on which part of the intersection (like think in quadrants) it is a different city. Or so one of the stations said. The other denied it being their completely. Either way, it got filed but there will probably be nothing of it. I only had their first name and phone number, and reverse looked up their address, but it only gives the street, not number and my mom said it’s probably not worth it since it looks like the poor part of that town. Really, she just wanted them to pay for my visit to the doctor and probably medication.

Speaking of which, I almost feel like I ache more than I did last week, at least in my ribs. I stopped taking the muscle relaxer though, so it feels like it went from soft and tender to rigid and achy. Something like that. The first night I didn’t take it, I went to sleep and was going back and forth feeling pain, or rather was going “Does this hurt? Or do I just think it hurts and it is in my head?” Yeah. So it probably did, but I didn’t want to take the medication, still don’t and so just went back and forth like that, and went back and forth like that today too.

It actually got Gramm mad that night but it’s because she doesn’t seem to understand how I don’t really “get” pain. That is, get what is “bad enough” or if something actually hurts for that matter. Sometimes it seems like short of being extremely sharp and/or non-stop, I will question it. Actually when it is a dull *constant* sort of pain or tiredness that is when I perhaps get more confused because it’s like “Well everything hurts so…?” Or maybe “Well everything always hurts soo?” Like I forgot or forget that things can be otherwise. In that sense it felt like the getting hit has made things more difficult in terms of knowing how much or when I need to rest, because it feels peculiar to feel better..?

 

Otherwise, I have a job, in which the training starts this Friday. It will be interesting. I am not sure how the schedule will go, which is my main concern. Though this Friday for training, it is from 9 AM to 4 PM, so…yeah. I will be working with kids to people my own age I believe, and only working with them if I am willing and am up to it, so that is a positive thing, God willing. The ED was actually really pushing back earlier this week, hard and it was almost like *fall into despair* but then I knew that if I did that, I would in know way be competent to do this job and their is no point then in falling into that pit. I have to keep in mind what I want to go forward in, and that I can if God allows, even if it is scary and foreign. It being difficult is not a problem or a reason to throw my hands up. Just like how with physical exercise or the like, it feeling uncomfortable is not a reason to stop, that is why you keep going and practice so you can get good at it. Mark Freeman’s recent videos have really been helping me in going forward with that. Which, by the way, I am also going to be working with Everybody Has a Brain in a way, soon in a way!

 

Bringing up my next topic, which was the OCD stepping it up after getting hit. I have/had been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, images involving car crashes and accidentally hitting people with my car for a while. However after getting hit is like since my brain then knew what force of impact felt like, it brought a whole new level of pain…or literal pain. That is when I’d see the images of getting hit, or crashing in my mind, I would feel the physical pain which was making me feel sick and nauseated as the impact pressure re-reverberated through my skull, in an incredibly real way. I was then getting images and feelings of basically holding a small ream of paper within my hands and it being slid out by someone or something and slicing my palms with huge paper cuts, making me wince in pain each time, basically feeling it. I suppose my brain already did have an idea of what that felt like, but the day after the crash it was more intense.
Based on Mark’s blog post on how he got over his compulsions around knives, I was however able to realize what I was doing that seemed to be perpetuating the intrusive thoughts. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it was a “checking” compulsion, but when he mentioned how he would check his hands to see if he’d actually cut them or not; and how he stopped doing that, it had me realize how I was doing the same sort of thing.

If I thought, or felt like I might have hit someone I would check and recheck just to be sure, even though after I though I was accepting the uncertainty by saying “Well maybe I will hit someone [in the future]” and keep driving. Or when I’d get the image of crashing and carnage, thinking “Maybe I will crash and get in an accident and it’ll be horrible and so on” but then basically thinking “But that didn’t happen right now, right?” That is what seems to perpetuate it. As such, when it’s been occurring, that seemingly small mental change has seemed to make a difference as I feel my brain itching to get reassurance, but driving without mentally or physically checking.

I wrote part of it out on my Instagram, but I can give a quick run down here I suppose as to why my day was taxing…

Basically I feel like I am being pushed forward in a way, if anything by my own…or not, but God’s grace, to move forward, feeling frustrated by where I am and yet afraid and confused as to what I want and instead of flailing more determined than ever to reconcile it. On Saturday I went to church out of frustration because the OCD said I could not, or should not as it would mess up my schedule and freak me out with food, and not be able to eat or at least be all anxious. I went anyways, full well knowing the ED might try and take control of that but I didn’t care, I didn’t want it to control me anymore. Then dinner time came and I felt like I just couldn’t do it. I also didn’t want to leave because I had to go past everyone and it felt embarrassing so I just kind of hid inside/ away from everyone. I was about to go after most people had finished and then spoke to an Elder, then instead of leaving, went and spoke to samonim. She wanted to make me a plate of food, I was like, “Noooo” but then she did and then…yeah, frustration. I didn’t eat it, she got frustrated, so did I but more so because I was just scared and confused as to what I wanted and just…yeah. Still kind of there right now. Earlier I was basically lamenting how this looking normal but still wanting to cry over food and feeling nauseated from feeling like my stomach is in knots over food is what I hate. But then I had to reevaluate what it is I want again. As I drove home, I decided I do not want to feel sick all the time. The ED usually tries to twist things and make me feel anxious over feeling okay for eating how much I am “supposed to” but I don’t want that to be the case. I just want to feel okay and feel okay with feeling okay. It, Satan, tries to tell me that I cannot be “happy and healthy” I can be unhappy and physically “healthy” perhaps, but then actually not, or “happy” and physically possibly unhealthy, but maybe feel just as bad in some weird way…yeah, no.

 

Anyways…Yeah. Not sure what I will do now, however I don’t want to waste anytime worrying and doing mental rituals worrying over how I “should feel” sick and so on and so forth. Maybe I will feel sick, or something. Either way worrying about it now won’t change anything or what I need to do to be happy and healthy.

 

 

 

How do you feel?

“Like I’ve been hit by a car, oh right because I have been.”

I’ve been wanting to use that the last two days if I were to go out and meet friends or the like, but I haven’t, so oh well.

I actually did get hit by a car on Monday, and when I say hit by a car I don’t mean I was in a car accident, I mean I was crossing the street and a car made a left turn without stopping or looking and hit me. Or at least that’s what it seemed like from my point of view because I didn’t see them prior, but saw them out of my peripheral vision as they came up on me and I tried to back up and not get hit and heard my self yelling “Holy shit!” and was thinking, “Really?” as I hit the pavement and was stunned there for a while. I was wearing a hoodie and actually had the hood on with sweatpants on, so thankfully, I was pretty well covered, my head included. My cellphone also flew away, however the case my mom bought for it seemed to prove well worth it in that there was not a scratch on it to be seen. I don’t even know where my dog was at that point. He didn’t get hit and I guess I was still holding his leash. I just know I was on the ground trying to comprehend, because that force hit hard, reminds me now of the time I hit right into a fire hydrant with my knee and was shocked and frozen for what felt like a good long pause before keeping going. This was my whole body though. Or at least one side of it. I would have laid there a while longer until I could catch my breath or just get unstuck and ready to move, but the driver who was an older lady came out of the car and basically picked me up on to my feet, while I’m thinking “You’re so not supposed to do that, what if I had been really hurt?” and asking me if I was okay while I still couldn’t talk, and was holding my head from the impact still throbbing…or not quite throbbing, just….all that residual pressure or something. She kept asking me over and over and I wasn’t able to talk thinking, “WTF, let me get a second” Looking back it felt like she was expecting me to make her feel better, though I can kind of understand why because I’d be horrified too if I hit someone. A college age looking guy was there too, who I think may have been her grandson and he is looking at me, while she keeps asking me and I almost feel like I’ll cry for a moment then take a breath and say can we just move to the side (we’re in the middle of the street) She says okay, and we do and she also moves her car at some point to the side. I think just before that she keeps asking if I am okay and at some point was hugging me and saying “I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t see you. I’m so sorry”. I believe this occurred while in the street and then also after while on the sidewalk. I can’t remember much exactly other than I asked for their phone number. I’ll be honest and say I know or thought of asking for or taking a picture of their license plate but the woman’s demeanor of asking how I was, asking if I wanted her to take me home, and the whole hugging and saying “I’m sorry” was kind of confusing. Like I guess since I wasn’t bleeding she didn’t think it was that bad and my experience with pain is confusing so I was like, “I guess if they think it isn’t that bad, I am really not hurting that bad?” or something like that. Or maybe she thought since she hit me at a low speed that it wasn’t that bad. Or maybe…I don’t know. But I got their number and their first names and then kept walking my dog…Yeah. Because…Well, it’s 7 or so in the morning, and urgent care either way is an hour away plus however long I’d have to wait.

I had been texting my friend at church before I got hit (I wasn’t texting or anything while crossing the road, I may have been looking down at my puppy though) and texted him that I just got hit by a car (still kind of stunned) He texted back something like “Are you serious?!” then called me saying to go to the hospital right away and get checked. I said okay and we hung up. He texted me saying “Right now, don’t wait”. So as I walked my dog back around my usual way, toward my house in a round about way, called my insurance/ healthcare provider (same place), just to ask for the hours of the medical office near me so I could do a walk in which I knew they did do, or thought they did. But then when I said what happened, I got a nurse on the line, which is good too I suppose and got assessed. When I explained how far the other places were and the one near by being better if they opened soon, they said that was fine, just look out for signs of a concussion. All the while when going home trying to decide if I should tell Gramm or not. By the time I walked in the house I decided I probably should because if I had a concussion or randomly dropped she’d know why. I had to figure out how to play it off to her though as not a big deal because what I hate is her reaction at times. It just adds stress to things. So I put my dog outside and was like “Oh Gramm, I am going to Kaiser at 8:30” She asked why, I smile “Oh some lady hit me with her car.” casually. She’s like what? I explain, trying to make it seem like no big deal, and then ask about the times and realize I can go there earlier than 8:30 to check in so do right then and there.

The ridiculous part is when I get there, wait my turn in line and tell the lady who checks people in and states they don’t take walk ins and I have to get an appointment, and gives me one for 11:30 (so 3 hours). I was like, wth I just got hit by a car. And asked about how they have the station right there (behind her) for walk ins. She says something about having appointments open so they have to give those and if there weren’t any I could go there or something…I was so angry…I went to my car and called back the line I had prior. They explained better than she had that at the “Nurses station” it was only for smaller things, but I’d have to be seen by a doctor. I was like, well okay then, if I bleed into my brain it is on them or whatever…

Went to the pool at the near by gym after going home and telling Gramm. Figured some weightlessness might help or something. That and I could feel compulsion telling me to try and lift weights like I have been every other day but I really couldn’t even grip because of how my ribs hurt and for some reason a muscle in my palm too. I did a light pull down rope and saw one of the trainers and told him. I figured I’d have to tell someone just in case. So I was like “Hey Zach. Man, I don’t even know if I should be here; I got hit by a car this morning.” and how the medical office had me waiting for a few more hours though. He’s like what? and yeah But since I explained to him and the other guy before that gave me the tour when I first joined the gym, my odd experiences with pain and injury he didn’t seem too surprised. At least to my face. He’s like “Okay, I’ll look out for you. If I see you dead on the floor or something I’ll call the ambulance. You have health insurance?” I say yes, “Oh cool, no problem, $50 for a ambulance, easy.” and tells me just to keep it light. I gave up on that pretty easy though, when it felt like nothing but futile trying to use strength but not being able to utilize any due to injury and just went in the pool.

Went to my appointment at eleven thirty and was accessed. The doctor said I had a bruise forming on my left ribs and would just start feeling worse as the day went by, probably feel it more the next day and gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer to take before bed so my neck wouldn’t spasm or anything.

…Can’t quite remember what I did the rest of the day. I think it was the first day too, that I was able to eat something more substantial after 7:30, like my body really craved and/or needed it. I remember being in the doctors office too and my stomach feeling like it was going to growl or was empty, texting my friend saying that was odd, the hit must have jarred something because I hardly ever feel “real” physical hunger. I stopped at telling him I liked it though. I did say though that I felt it, but it doesn’t mean I wanted to eat, just noticing the sensation. Their response was “eat something” and I was like, I will when I get home and it’s the “right” time…yeah, part of me does see how that sounds odd. At least I suppose if one is contrained only due to arbitrary rules of the mind, not other things going on around them.

Oh right, afterward I went to the mall in the afternoon to walk around and get out and drink a smooth decaf coffee to relax. While there I figured I should tell my Dad because if I didn’t then and he found out some time later, or something happened, he might just be angry or resentful in some way. So I texted him something like, “Well my morning/day” has been interesting so far..” He texted back “tell me” and I did. Like with Gramm, I feel the need to make it so it doesn’t seem so bad and lessen their reaction. I imagined him possibly breaking down upon reading it with one his massive OCD themes being fear of his children dying. He then called me about twenty minutes later and asked about it seemingly calmly or happily. Kind of like how I did with him and Gramm. He went on to explaining about his aches and pains too.

Which reminds me, at some point before noon, Gramm was on the phone talking to the neighbor when it actually hit her that I got hit by a car, and saying how she didn’t realize how bad it was or could be because I said it so casually and I stated, well yeah I feel like I have to other wise you’ll freak out and your reaction makes it worse. Like when I feel down a hill running and had huge gashes on my knees and elbows, thinking, “Okay, how do I make Gramm not freak out?”*walks in through door* “Hey Gramm look, here take a picture and put it on Facebook!” Yeah.

I told my mom at some point too and she talked about contacting the people because it wasn’t right and she got in an accident when she was younger and fifteen years or more later her shoulder was still hurting her and she didn’t know then that it would be that bad at the time. My step-dad then called and said something of the same, he asked if I wanted them to call instead, and I said okay, so I sent him the number. He called but they wouldn’t pick up. I called with him on the phone as well, they didn’t pick up. Figured we’d try again the next morning and if not report it.

Minister also called me, which was surprising and asked how I was and if I needed any help, to ask and not do everything alone. Also, as everyone seemed to be point out, injury from being hit by a car doesn’t hit you, or you can’t feel it at first, but comes afterwards. Felt like I was just continually waiting for overwhelming pain to hit, aha. I noted though even when I spoke to him though, I sounded unusually happy. It is though because, when I feel that physical pain, at least on that level, it can at times quiet the ED voice, which was nice. I was able to eat more easily and not be so worried. As I messaged another friend and we were chatting just prior to Minister calling, I said maybe God just wanted to give me a break from the ED voice for a while, just like how it snapped me out of relapse, or at least gave me that edge, through Grace to be able to start crawling out. Though technically already completely out by faith, fully healed. He said yeah, that could be. Upon reflection also thinking that maybe God also wanted to show me the heart of a father. A few weeks ago at church when it was Minister’s birthday one of the girls wanted to make a video for him, each of us holding a sign saying the things we appreciate about him, in the sense of it being like things a father would do. I was like…that’s weird to me because I’ve never had a good fatherly figure or when I see people, like kids who like there Dad’s or getting along that’s just weird to me. Ha.

I did come up with something in the end which was “You want us to be happy.” Which I know to be true through God’s heart. When I look at my Dad, like I noted earlier it is more a fear for himself, when it comes to his children, so it’s just kind of scary…or rigid. Usually that “love” is overshadowed by the seeming fear he seems to have. Yet when I spoke to my Step-dad on the phone it was surprising to me. This is a man I’ve only met a few times face to face really in comparison to my real Dad, but when it comes down to it, I think because he loves my mom he steps up to the plate, and his experience with OCD as well has a large effect to I think. Plus he just seems pragmatic. When I was in New York he called me and talked to me, I was surprised by the wisdom and/or advice he game. When I came back to LA and was struggling with stuff he helped, including when I would call anxious over a choice, stuck between disordered rules and desire for food or rest or something of the sort. Even when Minister called too, it felt oddly caring, which I am not used to. On both ends again, because I don’t feel it dripping with fear or anxiety as to how it will effect them in anyway, but in some way a genuine concern for the person.

By night time I could feel the pain in my neck starting to hit, so I did take the medicine and while chatting with my friend over it, it seemed to kick in and bring relief.

Aaand, I’ve been at this for a while and am getting tired…of this anyways. Sooo, to be continued I guess, but more to come on: I got a job, aaaand, where I got hit is where three cities meet and that’s a headache, and my OCD throwing out new painful symptoms. Oh joy! Hopefully by tomorrow or whenever I update next that might have abated or understood more or…whatever else needs to be done, if anything, other than praying to God, and believing it is finished.

 

That was long. Good night!

 

 

 

 

Update

It seems like over the last five days or so things have shifted a lot in terms of my mental out look. Or well things went up and down. I was hoping I’d get a job last week, didn’t get it. Then felt lost and then got another seemingly good prospect, and it fell through as of yesterday, and yet am still possibly hopeful because despite it falling through it did give me some motivation, or a key insight from the interviewer. I probably should have updated sooner, because I can’t remember what all the things were not that occurred….All I know was that I remember thinking “this is the first time I have do ___” in like ever, or at least a very long time. Oh right. One of them was that on Saturday, rather than waiting until the afternoon to go out and do things, and perpetuate my safe anxiety driven sort of routine, that at once has been starting to feel frustrating, I was actually able to go out and get interview clothes that I needed. Not only that, but was able to put on regular clothes (Like jeans and a t-shirt versus wearing my usual technical shirt, sports bra and shorts) and not feel absolutely like I was crawling out of my skin. At once though, when driving towards the stores where I would be looking for clothes, feeling like I was going to cry from revulsion and fear of some sort. Revulsion toward my body, and revulsion, in some sense of the ED being really pissed off that I was disobeying it in such a seemingly easy way. It was there, but and it’s like it was screaming, but in some muted sense where I was still some how able to go. It is difficult to describe. It feels perhaps like when you can’t hear a sound, but can perhaps feel the vibrations of the sound in the air against a pane of sound proof glass of sorts… Rather than giving up when going to one store, went to another, and another, then the last one, found clothes, surprisingly. I kept reminding myself though, that if God wanted me to have this job, or to do this, and just get clothes, He had to do it, because I utterly fail. I was able to find pants and a shirt that actually worked. Pants that I didn’t really even need to hem, I just roll them up a bit on the inside, and a shirt that just needs a good ironing. The pants material is actually quite giving and comfortable around the waist. It is however, quite distressing if I look down at my legs in them. It gives me that, “Oh God my legs are huge I should die. Why did I ever do this?” Sort of ED thought. Then am like….Can’t do anything about it now (unless well…No.) so then may as well go forward rather than keep wrecking my life for no reason other than to self flagellate and still not change. Though I guess the EDs point would be so that I change and listen to it and lose weight.

Sunday, I went to church, and though I didn’t go to morning service…Eh, I got there at like 11 and then walked around Korea Town, because well, I then went to the Regional Meeting at 1:30. I have been skipping them for a long while not because I can’t get myself to go to both and sit for so long, and just..be and food and…yeah. But I was grateful I was able to go to that.  I went out and then went back and hung out until about 5:30 PM or so, when I went home to eat dinner.

Monday I had my interview for the job I was hoping to get, and it’s not that it was far per say, but in terms of LA and traffic…it was far, aha. At 1:30, and I was actually able to make a lunch and drive there, in my interview clothes no less and not feel horribly, horribly revolting…just mildly. Aha… I was then able to go home after that. I kind of wanted to venture around that side of town but had no idea what was around there and plus if I stayed any later, traffic going back home would have been horrendous.

Yesterday morning I had my “job” club, through the department of rehabilitation. I was able to go and not be all freaked out by the time and food, and all of that, but able to just more or less stay engaged, which was a very nice change; as much as the ED is then poking me saying, no that shouldn’t be like that. I can’t recall but I feel like there was something different I did Monday morning also…or maybe it was just that afternoon meeting, but it felt fulfilling in some way, as though it was odd that I had been able to do so many (relative) in comparison to usual. I was able to do stuff rather than be rigidly stuck, or horribly afraid in messing up my, or rather the OCD/ EDs routine. It is nice and of course the ED finds that horrifying.

 

I have also noticed on the food front that rather than being super distressed about every single meal and wondering what is “right” my mind has more of a consigned sigh in which it doesn’t care and just wants to get it over with. Which was unfathomable before. It seemed like before it was the most important thing ever. A lot of facets of the meals. Not just calories, but taste, texture, volume, perception of the food in and of itself. It being “right” while I know on some level if pushed to have something different anxiety will definitely rise, but when trying to pick things at home, it’s kind of like “Eh” or that the fear or what will be happening after the fact isn’t so horrifying, like it knows that if I somehow “mess up” well there will be another meal in a few hours later.

However part of this feels like it might be a bit of avoidance in my mind. So as such I am thinking I am going to start keeping in mind the idea of what my goal is with each meal. Is it to just feel okay? Or is it to challenge things? Do something different, etc.? Despite anxiety. Going forward, on values, what I want to do and challenging that. It can be confusing to a point because if I don’t know exactly what I want, or what feels “right” in my mind as far as what I think my body “wants” it can slowly seem to meld into the “usual” and since that fulfills a sequence through the day, a requirement, sometimes I just let it go, or perhaps a lot of the times, since I don’t want to stress about it, but just move on. However, I can see it is problematic if certain things are not around, or if I go out. I tell myself that if that happens, I can handle it, and to a point, I think I can a bit more at times, it may not be as agonizing, but there is still that fear and restrictive mindset, scared of branching out and trying different things, or going different places because of that.  I still won’t eat at church, and feel horribly self conscious at the thought of it especially since they know about my having an ED. I know some there would be happy to see that, but there reactions are what make me cringe on the inside. Though as I reflected on Sunday upon driving there, thinking that others would thinking I am hideous and fat and “gone too far” and what not, despite it not being the case, I am just this *fat*, what was I valuing though? What was, is my purpose? To please other people or live based off of their perceptions, or go forward and be healthy? To truly recover, so even if they were thinking those things, then it wouldn’t matter because I would be sticking to what I believe is true, and right.

My sleeping patterns seem to be odd now. Part of me feels like it is because my body isn’t so used to feeling okay that it just wakes up. When I lay in bed and don’t feel my body feeling all tense or like lead, it is an odd feeling. I feel a bit…what is the word when laying there? I generally also can’t find a comfortable way to be, though in some sense more comfortable than before, but since it is just different perhaps…?  I have lucid dreams of sort. Like semi-lucid. It is like I am half aware I am asleep. I have food “nightmares” where it is like real life, but then faced with some food that is not my usual, or OCD routines getting messed up. I had a dream in which my death was eminent the next day, but I was still afraid to eat anything different just in case, in fear I did actually live and besides it still wouldn’t take anxiety away from the rest of the day and then I got antsy and anxious and had to go on a walk to calm down. Odd dreams of holding a baby in a diaper, and the baby being really dirty. Weird dreams that it has diarrhea and I am holding this baby up in the air, straight in front of me like, “What do I do?” aha. A strange dream last night of being in a shower, in our house where we seem to have gotten a second floor, going in there and shampooing my hair only to realize there is  a huge window and I see school children passing by below. I am confused as to what to do. None of them seem to notice me up there, but I feel expose and am caught between getting all the soap off of me and getting out of there. The sub-conscious is interesting…

And now, well, tomorrow I am not sure what is in store exactly. I ran yesterday for the first time in months, minus the odd running down the street with my dog and the one time I went down to my church where they were witnessing on Wilshire and Vermont, then ran down to Wilshire and Western to the other team. I did probably about 2.5 miles yesterday. Not too bad. I have been going to the gym and strengthening my weak muscles, as well as the stretching and myofascial work I have been doing. I definitely noticed a different in muscle activation. I didn’t run today, but I will tomorrow morning. Despite part of my brain wanting to do five yesterday, and go out today again, I am using more wisdom and reminding myself to feel what my body actually feels, rather than what the ED/OCD/Anxiety says I “should” do or feel. So every other day to start seems to work well. I am alternating it with the gym upper body/ strength training days. I truly want to make this about health, and not destroying my body or compensation, despite the ED again seemingly screaming in pain and revulsion at the idea of that. But yeah.

 

Well that is all for now I suppose.

Another light bulb of sorts

Something just clicked in my mind when it came to body image and loathing, and feeling like one *cannot* accept being at a healthy weight or anything of the sort. I was considering a post regarding National Eating Disorders Week and how one might post a non-“triggering” photo on Instagram, yet still be relevant. At first I had this idea of looking at my old journals from high school. I had a feeling I would see a similar theme from then as I did just last July and August. The theme being that I wished I would die, because it was so agonizing. However the other theme was feelings of disgust toward my physical body with the words “fat” and many degrading swear words. I posted it on Instagram, but then deleted it. I realized why it was.

In part it was because that it gives the idea that the EDs is “about” being thin, or caring about such things and THAT is why it occurs. In my case, I realized that was actually not the case for others. I realized that prior to my ED, I may not have liked my body, but I at least tolerated it. Distressing thoughts about it did not dominate my life as the ED has done or tried to do for years now. I have heard many times before, parents of those with EDs and professionals say that the body hatred is often a symptom of the ED itself. For whatever reason, while I knew that to a point, as in how it heightens things, I didn’t really believe it completely. In a sense, now I do get it though.

Another thing was the fact that what I had written was indeed in high school, after I had been made to gain weight. After I already had an ED. That was when the weight was distressing. My thoughts were most difficult when I was at a higher, “healthy” weight. It wasn’t when I was at a lower weight. For me being at a lower weight and restricting is often more calm in some ways. (In some ways, not all.) The fact that I was at a higher weight though, people might think that is when things are less of a problem, however it was basically the opposite. That is when I felt the most tortured. My history seems to be that I crash and burn relatively quickly when I do, but then hang on in a more agonizing limbo of a “normal” healthy weight for a few years until I can’t handle it any more and repeat. This last time I was trying to avoid the crash and burn, but going to New York initiated the crash and burn, while the ED was actually trying to be more strategic at first hoping it could be a more stable, “maintainable” decline. Perhaps that was God’s plan all along, after all, a more maintained, deluded decent into illness, trying to fool others and myself is much more devious in a way.

What I am getting at though, when also thinking about “before and after” pictures that many people also detest in the “recovery community” is that it doesn’t show the before the “before” That is, to get to some emaciated, unwell stage, it’s not like one just jumped from well to healthy. It is a process of sorts. It starts when one looks, “Okay”, until they’re not. It can seemingly come, “out of no where” when things go from seeming “okay” to not. Just like someone with a congenital heart defect may feel “okay” until they suddenly drop dead. Or someone with cancer feels “okay” until they just get a few aches and pains or whatever and find out the truth. Those examples are only of the physical in a way, but also I want to imply that we cannot necessarily see what is going on inside the body or mind of one that might look healthy or “okay” until you look deeper.

I have to add it is always a confusing thing of sorts with awareness messages because the ones reading such things always seem to be those that are already aware of such topic, and while that is good and well to a point, it is…just odd. That is all

Gate Control Theory and so on

So I had a bit of a light bulb moment for whatever reason last night when driving back home from Bible Study. I think it was due to the conversation I had with Kristi samonim that had me thinking about certain things, back to New York, and then thinking about the pain gating mechanism, having just started reading, “The Brains Way of Healing” by Norman Doidge, and funny enough, earlier that day having seen an old episode (well they’re all kind of old by now, I guess) of House, where he is detoxing from Vicodin and smashes his hand to alleviate the pain of detox by focusing on his hand hurting, and Wilson brings up pain gating.

In any case, if I am thinking about this mechanism, I think it really explains how God worked in pulling me out of my relapse when I was in New York. I didn’t get how at the time, all I knew was that at the time, I got really sick, and when that happened, the ED voice lessened. A lot. I was feeling relatively okay with eating. Like, after a month of hardly eating anything – and even that didn’t feel too painful (I’ll get to that in a moment.) What I had speculated was that my body some how just shut up the ED, like survival instinct kicking in and just making it shut up or at least lessen so I would be able to beat that cold, or whatever it was that I had at the time. Pain gating makes sense now. Which ever is perceived as more of a threat, or pain perhaps, is the one the body will focus on. So in that case, it was like my body stopped screaming at me to stay away from food in fear of how it would harm me, and conversely, was able to eat in hopes that it would help me. The “pain” and fear of getting fat, thrown out, or at least squelched a bit, for at least short term survival. I had a feeling at the time too, that it wasn’t going to be so easy. Lo and behold, after the first day of eating about 1100 calories, which was more than in…so long, by the next day, not feeling like death, due to the cold, I put up more of a fight and fear of the food, feeling like I did not need it, ED much louder, and more distress and arguments of sort over food. But the okay feeling didn’t last long. Or not so much. I was deluded as to what okay felt like anyways, in a sense. By the next day though, I felt sick and weak, I tried to eat small amounts the ED allowed, and my body trying to process the food I had eaten the prior days was causing issues. I was weak, and just scared. I wasn’t able to do it on my own at all, but that is when I was able to get Kristi samonim to talk to someone, and explain what I felt unable to about AN, and magic plate. I remember a wave of relief just overcoming me. Feeling so thankful to God. In my mind just prior I had felt so desperate, praying to God, He would let them talk and take control from the ED. Gracefully they did. I was able to eat my first real meal in what seemed life so long after that. Even looking back at it now, it is somewhat amazing. I don’t even quite get how I was able to eat so much and it not terribly hurt (though the prior days, it had. A lot.). At that time though it seemed like my fear of dying, or at least of just being unable to function (I could barely move of the sofa there, and it the heat outside made my heart race). Looking back I know I was still thinking very disordered, but the initial sort of jump or chance I think shows pain gating, in a way.

I think it also has it make more sense when it comes to why perhaps cutting or other such things can bring relief to one when distressed psychologically. In Doidge’s book, he has a list of the parts of the brain, and how they receive pain, but also do many other things, and how one man used things such as visualization to , basically, use mindfulness in a sense, to rid chronic pain. It reminded me of Jeffrey M. Schwartz method in “Brain Lock”, or how Mark Freeman talks mindfulness practice, in acknowledging that the thing is there, but doing something else anyways, and eventually it will die off, bit by bit. I always noted how before, when I cut, it was the initial just…doing so, that grounded me and “off set” what ever psychological pain I felt. It gave me something easier to focus on in a way. It also might help explain why myself and others may grow “addicted” or dependent on exercise. It can cause a sort of pain or burn, which our society may at least see as more acceptable. When not taken to the extremes can be good, but. Yeah.

I have also noticed times prior, like when I fell down a hill running, and had huge gashes on my legs, that my anxiety was less. That because there was physical pain, it off set, or somehow filled the quota, so to speak and my mental angst was less. Also, like when I went to Haiti, versus Mexico, or Dallas. Haiti, in some ways, was much easier because of the physical discomfort. Aside from almost having carbon monoxide poisoning, which was a horribly nauseating, sick feeling, the car ride, the heat, and moving about, the cots, the showers and even having to stand and the food there, etc. It was more “difficult” and in some sense I think what made it easier for me to deal with in a way. When I’ve gone to Mexico, or Dallas though, we have stayed in Hotels. Nice cushy hotels. Or at least, you know, indoors, soft beds, clean bathrooms, showers, etc. I mean, there were still issues in all three cases with anxiety, or managing, but if I could chose, I would…be afraid for all three right now, honestly, aha. In New York, it was a completely different environment though, and on some level…well no, I did think it was too “easy” that is what made it way too difficult to eat. I felt it wasn’t justified, at all. I didn’t and honestly, probably still wouldn’t understand the point of eating. It’s strange to say, I know, but yeah. If I stopped and looked at my days now, I might think the same too, but yeah. Something about the more controlled environments, and fear.

I wonder if on some level, that is why, I didn’t really feel pain. Or that is physical pain. I was distressed within my own mind when I felt fine physically. It was like my brain was blunted, in a fog, but it was scary at once. I kept telling myself I would eat if I was hungry. I somewhat remember when I was in high school, the year my ED first started. I remember my stomach hurting, growling, and feeling like it was eating itself in agony. Going to sleep with hunger pangs and waiting for them to go away. This last time, no such thing. That was what was confusing. I didn’t feel physical hunger, but I got that, “my brain feels like it is dying” feeling, which at once I told myself was just anxiety over wanting food. Not that I actually needed it; because I didn’t feel physically hungry. Sometimes I kind of might, but the smallest amount would make it go away, and as such…confusion. I wonder though, if that pain was some how blocked out, due to my perceived greater pain, or fear of…”getting fat?” gaining weight? Whatever it is, at the core that drives the ED. It can make up a lot of various reasons, but I know many can just be post hoc rationalizations of sort and at it’s core can just be straight up fear of food, anxiety disorder. The conscious mind, beliefs, etc. can come into play perpetuating it, but yeah. I look back and am like, “Yeah, what was I trying to do?” Fear of weight gain seems to be the biggest thing. The OCD spiraled in on itself too, the ED liked that. It hates it when the OCD latches on to healthier/ not aligned with it’s desires, but once it can claw its way out of those behaviors and into ones it likes more, it is all for the OCD latching on and spiraling. So when I would eat one amount one day, I would be afraid to eat more, or think that since I ate that day, I definitely didn’t need any the next, but then if I didn’t eat that day, then the next day why should I need anything, because if I didn’t need anything the day before, why would I need anything that day? And so on and so forth.

 

Recently when it comes to anxiety and pain, I have been taking the stance of, rather than being anxious, and/or fear of pain that may come or is, saying to just find out and see what actually happens, what things actually feel like, rather than what the ED says it should feel like. My brain feels like it is spinning in the background a bit, perhaps waiting for that next bit of information to complete it, how I could use the Gate control theory to over ride such anxiety. Yet that is a bit presumptuous of me to think I can. Like I have been also saying to myself, or rather to God, as I recall Linda samonim saying, challenge God. That is, if I am doing this by faith, He has to take care of it. He has to not only take care of the physical pain, but the psychological pain as well. Rather than trying to induce some other pain to focus on and over ride, rather look to the Word. Though in that sense, that is what it can be seen as in a way. When one uses incentive. I have seen how some parents, make it so there children, in a way may how “no choice” but to eat for instance. One likening it to making their child swim up stream. The only way to do so may be to have some crocodiles and logs down stream to get them to start swimming. Kristi samonim actually brought up a good point yesterday, how when we’re worrying about other things, it is because we’re not focused on the Gospel. If that is all we cared about, all the other things would melt away. Of course the ED wants to argue I can not eat and starve and preach the Gospel [relatively] fine….until I can’t. I mean, I’ve had nightmare, where I am at my old church and preaching the Gospel to them and having a great time until, in the dream, in a cartoon, comical manner, huge plates of chocolate chip cookies and glasses of milk are brought out, at which I am hit by a wave of fear, and stand up to walk through and out as fast as possible, while they are all there, pulling at me, begging me to stay, while I just say I can’t and speed through the hallway and down the stairs. How one also goes about it is also a possible point of contention for me. The church I go to, uses their various events, and preach the Gospel, as such they want me to join in, and I then contend, why does it have to be that way. Of course, one could ask, how else would I? That is, it is fine, but would you go out on your own anyways? I’d like to, honestly. It’s just difficult to go randomly and preach to people. Or well, I guess it might not be if I didn’t have that self consciousness of sorts. Anyways, this is a bit of a ramble I suppose.

I do indeed feel like I am recovering though. Bit by bit. That is also what is confusing. People say they don’t expect things to be better all at once, but then at once when they say things other times, or by action, it seems to feel as though they do. Or at least they might push for it anyways. It can feel overwhelming and scary. At once, I remind myself recently, my brain will always want to make excuses as to why it shouldn’t be now, and always be later, but then months or years could go by as such, so why not now? Otherwise, it will always be “later”. The ED always says that I am recovering too fast. That it is bad, that if you were really sick, it wouldn’t be so easy for you. Get worse to show that it actually is a problem (ED logic). I talked to samonim about it last night, how it bothered me, I practically wanted to walk out within the first five minutes of being at Bible Study last night because of two comments made, on sister said, “I wish I had Kianni’s problem” at which….No. When Kristi samonim heard that, she was like, no, nobody wants that. Yet she has seen how soul destroying anorexia is. She know that, almost on some level, more seriously than I say it in a way, because she saw it, dealt with it from a third person perspective, not someone being confused and distraught in it. Someone who felt helpless to help, no matter how hard they tried. I stayed last night, as I told samonim, I had to remind myself, I don’t go there for the people, as my two friends at church would say, we go for the Word, because if it was for the people, we wouldn’t be going there. It isn’t even that they’re bad or terrible, etc. but we generally are very different, however the commonality we can be together on is Jesus and the Gospel.

Well, that’s about as much as I feel like saying for now. That somewhat content feeling. Oh wait, there is a bit more; I noted today, how it was like one of the first days, more or less, I felt more at ease with food. I don’t know how to state it exactly, but in my mentality, towards just getting my food, and eating it, it was different. More relaxed. I have noticed that the last few days too, around exercise/ movement. But today around lunch it felt different. It felt nice. I wasn’t all anxious or super frantic. My brain had it’s idea of what is said it wanted/ I *should* have, but then there what was what I suppose I actually felt like eating, which may not have seemed to different to others, but broke various ED/OCD rigidity rules and scary ideas of how it was “supposed to” be and rather than feeling anxious after, felt rather okay in a sense. Anxious, or weird in a way because it felt okay, but tried to not indulge, so that it didn’t blow up. I was able to even relax a bit, and when things went a bit “off schedule” or rather I caught myself in trying to make things “exact” and “on time” as the OCD likes, being afraid of what would happen otherwise, but reminded myself, that was the point. That what I wanted wasn’t to be so rigid, but rather to do different things and if the time was different, or I felt a certain way at the time, so be it, and I could deal with it when I got there, and that doesn’t mean it is wrong. So yeah.

Interesting, seeming more “normal” day. My brain is inclined to saying it was the first “normal” day I have add, and maybe in a sense it is, but know since there was still so much anxiety percolating, it’s kind of…there but not. Hard to describe. It’s like I hit a different plateau of…consciousness? A few years ago I was just frenetic and anxious all the time, couldn’t sit still, or would freeze and get “stuck” unable to move or do things, so petrified. Then I got to being more free, and yet anxious in some sense, but more of a jerk in a way, aha, more “normal” able to exercise my own will and thoughts in a way, or at least more freed up from constant anxiety to at least think of other things and way, and now…still kind of the same, but different. It’s almost like now I have to deal with things more “normal” people deal with. Going through the stages of sorts. What is this more “normal” sort of state though…? It is perhaps because not everything freaks me out now, so I may have more of an idea of what I want to or do not want to do. Before everything scared me basically, so no matter what I just had to do it, because the only way out was through. Now it’s like since I have more freedom, there are, to a point, some places I can hide, and not feel uncomfortable, so purposefully going out to feel anxious is well, crazy. Or at least may feel like it in the moment. As such I wrestle with such things I suppose. Hence having to remind myself to go forward in values. Also knowing I have to keep being challenged, otherwise I could so easily slip back into everything being petrifying again. God has to protect me from that, and He also has to push me in to those situations at times when I fear them or think I can not, so I have no other choice but to depend on Him. At once, going forward of my [seeming] own volition, and believing God will take care of it all is much more…safe feeling. Often when I am thrown in a situation, the reason it is distressing is because I am not sure if God actually wants me to be there or do that thing. If I think it is wrong, then how could I believe God would want me to do something terrible? Yet,  my perception of course can be errant, yet it goes back to understand what God would want. That is the tricky thing in a sense, because when it comes to things like that, people will or may just say God wants me to, but…Yeah. As if the fear of doing so is enough to say so. I don’t think that is the case though. For instance, tomorrow, I know there will be a birthday cake at church. I won’t partake in the cake. I don’t know if they’ll push it on me, but it really makes no sense to me. Like, why would I? They will say it is just cake, but I’ll be like, wth? It is ‘just cake’. They say it won’t do anything bad, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. It won’t do anything “bad” necessarily or make me “Fat” so long as it is within a certain calorie range, or as much as my body needs, but that is where they lose me, as what I intake is calculated, so it makes sense to me that if I eat it, it may be too much, and as such that “bad thing” might actually happen. As it stands now my values do not include eating food for the sake of eating food. Or well, yeah. Not in such a way like that. I just don’t get it. I mean, maybe it they sat me down and tried to reassure with numbers, but when they just flippantly say it, that is what bothers me. Just like that sister’s comment about wanting my “problem” it reminds me of that verse in Deuteronomy where God says His people die due to a lack of knowledge. I remember when Thomas said, “What, you’ll die because you don’t know how to eat?” laughing in a sarcastic manner and I thought to myself, no. I’d die because people don’t understand this. That is why I’d die. If the shepherds do not know something vital, and lead the people, that would lead to destruction. Of course, I pray that is not the case. I hope, and that is why I continue to just share my heart with them when I can, or at least attempt to open my heart in a way expressing these things, because as people it is true we are generally blind to our own weaknesses. Acknowledging them though, is necessary in being able to learn and grow. That is part of the reason, since I was in high school, at some point I just cracked when it came to my shy personality. I know the ED makes me a bit darker and jaded, but part of me was also like, “Screw it” I don’t care who knows or who I tell, I want to talk about it, I want to find out, I want to know, I want to understand and makes sense of these things and make informed decisions.  I don’t want to just assume or think, but *know* to the best of my ability, to have as many sides seen as possible, to not discount things. In that way, one might think you can almost never be certain, but in some ways, that is also quite reassuring. Things are contextual. Context matters. What is not of faith is sin, but what is of faith varies from situation to situation, in what God speaks. It is not always the same thing situationally, but it is always His will, when He speaks, if that makes sense.

Quick sort of update

It is interesting to see how things have changed in a way. In some ways I am quite surprised by my mental clarity. I think it is perhaps due to having a clear goal in a way. That is, previous times I was not trying to recover. I was trying to not feel anxious. There is a large difference. It is ironic and a kind of sad how the more you chase a particular feeling, the less of it you get. I have gained about ten pounds more by now, and as I rationally knew to a point, feel more calm, or solid and at east then I did at a lower weight, probably just due to having better nutrition over all and not being so distorted. I have been working on getting all of my muscle tension out, fixing my posture, muscle imbalances, strength, etc. It feels like it has been going quite well. Over all my anxiety is much less, and in term my digestion is also better. I can eat and then just move on for the most part, that is not feel physically bloated and/or uncomfortable and not be freaked out by that, or be freaked out by being physically bloated and uncomfortable and disgusted by myself. I am starting to feel more flexible to where naturally I can try different foods without worrying about what will happen. It’s not just a calorie thing for me, but a whole textural, visual sort of thing about what is “right” and wondering how something is supposed to taste or be, etc. but my brain seems to not be blowing it up to a horribly life or death, sort of upsetting situation. Or at least cognitively I know that. I had a nightmare last week that I was eating spaghetti instead of my usual dinner. Aha. It is amusing and confusing in a way because I know nothing is wrong, but then it is just that it is different perhaps, and even though it is different I know logically it is okay. It is perhaps just like someone whom has a panic attach and people tell them to calm down or why are they acting like that, nothing is wrong. They are fully aware of that, and those words are just more grating. So when seeing my own reaction to such things, I am attempting to be less harsh on myself as well, I suppose.

I have yet to get a job, but as I told one of my friends, I honestly don’t think I’ll get a job until God allows it, that is when I am physically and psychologically ready. I feel like I have been able to take different stepping stones to building up and doing things. So much as just getting dressed and going places without massive self-loathing and disgust venerating through out my body. Somethings still feel like they need to be reconciled, but such is life and moving forward. Working through them, getting all of the lumps and bumps out. Much like the physical body with a bunch of tension, muscle adhesions/ knots, and faulty holding patterns that need to be changed to be healthier and release things.

 

Now I feel like I have a much more solid idea of going forward, rather than just going forward because I am apparently supposed to while at once feeling damaged like I am not supposed to be doing so, since I have an ED. That is one thing that I note about myself. All these years prior I was also imprisoned by this idea that since I was sick, or wanted to be sick, and wanted to not be anxious but was afraid to “recover” or at least “get fat”, that I also felt I should not in any way be allowed to have a normal life. Because if I wanted to be sick, then I should not be allowed to be happy, because that is like rewarding ill health. Now…that is a bit twisted. On the one hand yet…on the one hand no. When I was in in New York, that is what was partly confusing. I was dying, basically. Day by day, but then went around doing “normal” things, possibly more normal than I have been in a very long time, but at once was starving myself. This strange dissonance between the two things, of “everything seems okay, so it must be okay.” and then my apparent actions. I saw apparent because to me even now it is blurry as to how dangerous it was, I suppose.

Now I am able to start to at least entertain the idea that yes even if I have these issues, it is okay and I can still try and make my way in the world as best I can. To me I guess it is that it can often feel duplicit, like a lie of sorts. Presenting one way to the world, but actually being another. There is a sort of pride thing there… or authenticity thing. Though, who is to say what is authentic? Both are in a sense, yet I guess I tend to think of the negative as the authentic front. People however are complex in a sense.

Which has me think of this video..
I have a job interview today….Not sure how it will go, but yeah. I want to keep my hopes up, but then not hinge it on this job, again trying to remember that if God allows it, it will happen. Of course my mind is then afraid in regards to weight gain and activity. Having to put on work clothes and possibly feel like I am crawling out of my skin, which feels like there is too much of. But then, how else will I overcome it if not going through it. I keep challenging God in a sense of remembering what Linda samonim said to me, that if I am doing this by Faith, God has to take care of it. I can’t, so he has to take care of all of those feelings and whatever they are. Psychological and physical. Going forward in faith, seeing what will actually happen, rather than what is says will.

 

 

How have things progresed

I sit here with my brain bursting with energy in some odd way. Not quite anxious, but a bit displaced in knowing what to do or what feels right, unsure how to express itself. At once I wanted to draw, by then I realize I have at least of yet mastered the ability to scrawl out anything in which could express myself. Usually when I do so it is words, and as such, here I am.

Well I went and met my dietician today. She seemed happy about things in a way. I am a bit torn, but oh well. That is, I feel better, physically and psychologically. It is quite amazing actually. I don’t think in any times prior I have felt this way in “recovery” I have always been so physically and psychologically in pain, times prior. Holding on with a death grip that was at once numb, unaware it was holding on. If feels as though that vice has lifted. I credit it all to God though. I feel I certainly have that promise in my heart, and received it when I thought back to Linda samonim’s words about challenging God, about how if you do something by faith, then challenge God, tell Him, if you do it, He has to take care of the pain. She was just talking about the physical in that sense it seemed, but what is more is, not just that, but the psychological as well. While the ED at once wants to scream that I should not want such a thing to be well, it is at once silenced by God. Not me. I could never do so. My mind would be overwhelmed, but He has taken care of it. There isn’t really a “how” but He simply does. That is how. How I think on the Bible and it says that Jesus took our sins sicknesses and infirmities. How there is the verse which states, as He is we are in this world. Does He have an eating disorder? No, then neither do I. Does he have distressing thoughts tormenting Him? No, then neither do I? Does He have pain in any way? No, then neither do I. At once He has already reconciled them.

I did realize earlier though when speaking to the dietician how I am afraid of branching out more now that I’ve gotten a good pattern down that does not cause pain/ bloating discomfort. At which I realize I am then filled with the desire to go forward and trust God, bit by bit, trying something different. It gets scary and overwhelming in trying to figure out “what”, but that again will come in and of itself. That is, I can not take care of that fear, but God can.
What else? Physically my body is still beat up. I can sense it more so now I think. So much tension built up over years and years. Over training and making my muscles so tight. I rewatched a video on how to stretch the pec minor and major, as I am aware it is part of the cause of my rounded shoulders and winged scapula, despite it feeling like it isn’t “so bad” that is, it’s not constantly aching, so I realize it may feel okay to me, but that doesn’t mean it is normal. Was able to then visualize the pec minor with the video I watched and it’s location/ how it is shaped and with that, using a stripping technique, able to locate it and since then it has been quite sore, and released a bit perhaps. Prior with improper technique, it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, but with the right angles and technique, a problem not once felt was revealed. I find that amazing in a way.

The other day when walking in the market square, a sales rep from LA Fitness gave me a seven day pass. I went in this morning, and it was quite nice, unlike 24 hour Fitness where they just show you around and try to get you to buy in, LA actually do an assessment of your goals. I was able to explain my goals right now in terms of just recovering my body/ healing my over trained muscles and correct imbalance, at which the two guys seemed a bit shocked. The one guy did seem genuinely concerned and at which he shared about himself. He had a history almost like mine. Quite sad in a way and also eye opening to realize, perhaps how many people, despite not knowing by looking initially have such limitations or disabilities physically. It is perhaps quite naïve in a way, but I often feel like others have more freedom in things to *just* do things, but in some sense realize that there are others like me, or whom deal with the same sort of things. Perhaps it is just that I rarely deal with such people in real life, but more on the internet; and while I know those people are “real” it always seems like it’s not around me. But I guess it also is. In any case, he could be much older than me (if not the same age or younger?) but he showed me the scars on his elbows and how he apparently messed up the growth plates in them from going to hard in Football practice, overtraining in high school and they had to be replaced with steel. How his shoulder had problems, and tore something, that the doctor told him they could do a very expensive surgery that had a fifty/ fifty chance of working or not. He said how that meant if he ever had kids, he couldn’t even throw a football with them and how his other shoulder had problems so that was there to. He said I was like the “girl version” of him. I kind of wanted to laugh at that, but yeah. I wanted to say “eating disorder” but was like, eh nah. Not yet anyways. When I told him how I trained, even he said how I need to cut down, and how the idea is balance, how 99% of the people he’d met, and how I’d been the first person in five months or so he met that had this problem, how most were the opposite, but for me I was doing so much that it was hurting me. How by overtraining it messes up ones immune function, and talking about bone mass, etc.

I mentioned how I’d lost a lot of weight but gained some back now. For the record, gained about 13 pounds now. When asking about nutrition, I stated how I had a dietician, which they said was good, and that was covered. He gave me a basic work out plan on correcting imbalances, which I wouldn’t plan on really implementing anyways until my body really feels up to it, though simple stability or strengthening things shouldn’t be problematic, as long as it isn’t further aggravating tight muscles, but then I suppose that’s where making sure I am working on those through foam rolling, stretching, etc. I actually get my one free session with the trainer their tomorrow. I know they’ll try and sell more sessions on me, which I probably won’t be able to afford, anyways, but I’ll be interested in seeing his assessment. I mean, as much as part of me knows they’re going for a sell, it was interesting to be able to talk with people about such things. The trainer had already given me some suggestions when we were talking about performance and muscle imbalances, etc. and what might be best for me to target. Also about putting muscle on, and what not. That is actually one thing that is quite annoying now actually. Despite being at a higher weight now, I still do feel quite weak, though I don’t recall if before at this weight, while still losing if I had been weaker/ lost strength and just accepted it or was able to lift more/ do more. In any case, it is what it is. I do miss that in a way. It’s funny, how I can miss that and get annoyed in a way when I feel my arms and be like, “damn there’s nothing there” but then at once when I look at them be like…no. Or it’s like..they’re thin but not? They’re not dense, but then there’s not much to them but then I want there to be but not? Man this is confusing.

With my legs, I think I still have a fair amount of muscle mass, albeit probably fatigued and tired. I am wondering actually what I should do tomorrow for me pre-session meal. I made it at nine, despite that usually being my mid-morning snack time. I want to be more flexible and since that is the time he proposed, I decided to accept it. I keep thinking I want a quick smoothie of some sort, as if desiring a protein shake. Actually not protein though, or well a more balanced one…almost want to go out and buy a supplement to try, if not so expensive. Well, I will figure out something I suppose.

I am glad that I am able to experience this in a way. Despite how the ED may try and make me feel horrible, in some ways it feels worth it. At once the ED throws out the idea of relapse, as though it is only “letting me” do this, so it can “have fun” ravaging my body and mind again “the next time”, worse than ever. Hey, maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but until then, when it tries I’ll just have to take it along for the ride and go with it anyways. I can’t control it, but God can.
In terms of getting a job right, now I feel my body healing seems more important, but at once am looking still. I believe God will have one show up/ be there when it is time. At once though, my mom suggested something I am perhaps going to try, that is a dog walking business. Or at least, advertise around for myself. Now I think I shall go and look up how to make my own design for fliers…or at least how or if it is okay to use designs off the internet on such fliers? I have an idea of what I want already and if I had any artistic skill would draw it, however I do not. Maybe I will ask someone I know…Ah. Yay. Being able to breathe in and truly relax and feel at ease. This is nice. I am trying to take it in while it is, and not worry so much about when it isn’t. Amen.

Just whatever comes to mind

I feel compelled to write and just express whatever comes to mind in the moment. Once again, I am surprised with how well I feel. It is so odd to me, that I can have such a “high” intake and not be in terrible pain, bloated and anxious and hurting physically, as well as psychologically, though on some level I know how connected they are. I credit God for taking care of that pain and also Him giving me the wisdom to be able to at least try to take step which are not harmful to myself. The idea that foods “should” hurt, etc. and be more intuitive, rather than reactive in fear and anxiety. I have taken to eating rice the last few days, as well as kim chi, and nori with egg and wasabi with shoyu. I have some daikon pickling, as of yesterday. Quite simple to make, requiring rice vinegar, water, sugar, salt, and a daikon. Been adding lemon to a lot of my food, and drinking warm water in the morning as I have for a while now, but with added lemon juice. We have a lemon tree, so yeah. Decaf coffee with my increased breakfast that includes a cup of probiotic yogurt with powdered ginger, cinnamon and flax seed, and then my mid-morning snack being oatmeal with lemon juice added to it. At lunch, I add lemon to my pita sandwich at times, and follow up with maybe more decaf coffee, mid afternoon, with my snack, maybe the rest of that decaf (basically I keep reheating or drink the same cup cold through the day), or lemon water, with dinner, as mentioned, been eating kim chi. It seems these things have really been helping my digestion, as well as reminding myself to breath deeply, and untense my abdominals, to not use my “rescue” breathing muscles, but the diaphragm. Having stretched and worked out the tension and trigger points in my abdominals, obliques, around the ribs, and lats. Still a work in progress, but much better than it was. Still have a fair amount of tension in my abs probably, but working on it. I had a gift card for Dick’s Sporting Goods from two or so Christmases ago, and so with that, bought a  stability ball and have take to stretching over it, which seems to help, though I need to be careful of my neck. The tension there seems to be enduring, however has been there a very long time and sleeping wrong the other week seems to have set it back and tweaked it. I am trying to make sure and keep my neck and shoulders warm while I sleep/ covered, lest they just tense up. I noticed this before when it came to chest muscles also, how if I wore a tank top, and the side of my pecs are exposed, how in the cold, it seemed my muscle would get a muscle knot, at weird as that may sound. A few days ago, when I woke up, I touched the back of my shoulders and noticed how they were cold to the touch, though I didn’t necessarily feel it, and as such am trying to make sure I keep my muscle warm as to prevent such spasms, muscle knots, etc. and allow for my body to relax.

And there’s that.

Thoughts. First post of the New Year and how things have been. Feeling hopeful yet scared, how it feels so contrary to what I am used to yet that doesn’t mean it is “wrong”.

Oh what ever. Just free form it. I was looking for possible journal topics in order to spur deeper thinking, but it feels like a bit of an avoidance and I keep thinking whatever I am thinking or feeling is not “right” or have to have something thought out and concrete to get down, but rather at time writing things out can actually help me figure it out. The fact is that sometimes we are uncertain and that is okay.

So today I feel pretty good, which is surprising. I think my intake is even higher today than some prior days, and I don’t feel physically horrible. I don’t know how to feel about that. Or well, it is confusing that I don’t feel horrible, physically or psychologically, though it feels like the ED definitely wants me to feel bad, and am wondering what is blocking it from making me want to die at the “enormous” amount of calories. It is probably because on some level it still feels safe knowing I haven’t hit the amount the dietician has ascribed. It is a about 500 more than I was eating before, and somehow, over the last week or so of having increased it to such, my weight has stayed the same, which is bizarre. Or well it thinks so. I feel more bloated and bigger, but my energy on some level also feels better, my body doesn’t hurt or ache with tension and/or anxiety, probably because I have not felt the extreme need to drive myself into exhaustion, feeling that, that is the only way to not gain weight. The ED has this logic of if I feel like I have energy, I must be getting fat, because a calorie is a unit of energy, and if I have energy, then that means I have calories in me, which means if I don’t get rid of it then they will turn into body weight. Yeah. It sounds weird even when I think about it and wonder if I even believe that or it is possibly just my minds rationalization as to “Why” but when asking myself, or it, that is what comes to mind. Kind of also like the idea that I shouldn’t need food; Why? Because I have fat on my body. I shouldn’t be tired because I have all of this fat. Fat is a unit of energy, it is stored energy. I have all this energy, so I shouldn’t be tired.

Yeah. Something.

Well, yeah. It feels like this time around, rather than prior, I feel like I am healing more holistically, or in actuality. Before I couldn’t really even get a handle on what I was doing. Yes I gained weight and ate more, but it was still highly distressing all the time and I was afraid of everything and couldn’t catch a breath out side of the wave of anxiety pummeling me and drowning me. There was more food, more weight, but the OCD compensation was totalizing and miserable. It was horrible and pointless in a way. The ED also hated it, but was also trying to use it to get me to change, because it would only let me eat if I did that [OCD] stuff, which causes pain, and an inability to do anything else, so the only other option is said, and still says is to do what it wants, and everything will be fine. You know, until sh*t blows up.

This time around, I have been able to challenge the anxiety all around for the most part, down to the smallest things that I don’t think people may even realize. Small movements, being able to untense a shoulder, take a breath, not worry or get anxious over it. The idea that if I were to untense, it would be bad and allowing my body to “get fat” or feel how fat it is or will be. I’ve been able to step back and look at them and realize that they don’t really make sense. There does seem to be some possible ED driven prerogative though, in that by doing so it will help my hypothalamic, pituitary, adrenal axis, calming down fight, flight, freeze, lower cortisol, and allow my body to lose weight or at least maintain a lower weight. However part of me knows that is it over all healthier and beneficial to not be so wound up and tight all the time. It also doesn’t mean that I have to be “fat” and unhappy and unhealthy to “recover”. That is one thing I think that is ironic and confusing in a way when it comes to what the ED may color recovery as;

When I see myself at a higher weight, I perceive it often as gross and unhealthy. It doesn’t feel good. It feels “bad” and unhealthy. Yet what that is, at the same time, I think is all of the built up anxiety, of the aforementioned chronic stress, “adrenal fatigue” for lack of a better term, as well as many other things. Weight in a sense is not the problem, but it is related in a way. Yet if I am able to gain, and feel healthy, feel less tense, more whole and not “gross” and tense, crawling out of my skin in that weird way I am not quite sure how to describe, well. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I? Well yeah. As I try to accept the idea of a higher weight, the ED also seems to want to plot my demise of being twenty pounds or more less than I am now. Meh. Or. Well, I want to dismiss it as something that’ll never happen, or worse and I say worse because I know it is how others may perceive it, but the honest truth is that most of me doesn’t really care if I relapse in that way because my values still seem to align with the idea that getting deathly thin is like a fun game. I don’t even know. What do I gain from that? It feels fun. The idea of doing something extreme and being able to feel intensely. Feel intensely and yet at once be so out of it. Probably why I like running long distances too. How when I’ve run marathons, the way one pushes themselves. How it is something in which, you are exhausted but at once can not quite feel it. It feels surreal. That feeling of surpassing limits which seem impossible and just…numb? I have to wonder what that is exactly. I’ve never been particularly thrill seeking. Or that is, I’ve never been one of those people whom seeks out fast and dangerous things. If I look at it, I take the slow sort of approach. Things that can build up over time. When it drags on so long, it can feel like an eternity. Things that make time feel like it is going slower. I think that is what part of me likes. Doing things at an extreme pace, or way, but at once that calms, that slows time, that makes me feel like I can take things in. It is ironic, because it feels like that and yet, can barely remember it in a way. Is it just the feeling then? Sometimes it feels like on that level my brain can more readily absorb. As it has been recently, it feels like my brain is always on, trying to hop from one thing to another, unable to slow down.

It feels like a bit of an OCD thing, in which like when I question if I actually have memories or not; or just think I do, but don’t. I wonder if I can actually understand or comprehend. Can I actually listen? Do these words actually make sense? Did I actually hear the words they said? Did they make sense? Did I know what they meant? How do I know they did. Actually, this may be a theme I haven’t quite been aware of until looking at it just now like that…Interesting. It is weird because, when I listen to things, I always think I do not learn, and do not understand, but then when people ask me things at times, I am able to reiterate what it is I heard and then I get confused like, “Wait, I actually know that?” Hm. Might just go back to the memory thing too…or Intertwined. Something.

 

In any case, as I was saying prior… I feel more enlivened now. Prior times I had no interesting in doing other things beyond what the OCD or ED wanted. I “had to” just do my rituals, alone, and burning calories or eating my “safe” foods at exactly the right times. Now, while times are still a big factor in a way, I am learning to be more flexible, but more importantly, through out the day, rather than doing the OCD “have to”s, I am feeling like instead I *should* be doing things more “normal” that is, things that are not to appease the ED or OCD in some rigid manner, but things more in line with “real life” I won’t lie, as they still often have to be activity/ movement based in some sort, though that is often life in general. I have issues with just sitting down, but can allow it for a short while, or broken up in spaces of time. Yet, I have been able to go do stuff with Gramm, go somewhere with my aunt, go to a store and get things I need, leave at earlier times rather than wait the OCD/ED regulated time to try to alleviate anxiety and how it says I “should” feel, though part of that does seem to be related to the legitimate lessening of physical discomfort, that I had even prior to this last lapse. It had never really gone away, and part of that it seems was due to my faulty breathing patterns, unable to let my stomach expand and things “move through” all the tension built up in my abdomen, anxiety, killing all motility in a way as everything was tense, the flight, fight, freeze response slowing everything down, etc. Now, I am grateful that it is all being resolved. When pain or discomfort feels like it may be coming, I am reminded of my conversation with Linda samonim when I was in New York. How I was afraid to eat because when I did, I was afraid of how much it would hurt. She said do it by faith and challenge God, be like “Hey God, if I am doing this by faith, if you want me to do this, you have to take care of it. I am trusting you.” I was reminded of this a few weeks a go (a month now?) when my anxiety was very high, as my bloating and discomfort was high and trying to not stress over it more, when I was reminded of this again. It then came to me that, not only the physical pain, but also the psychological pain. God has to take care of that to. I reminded myself of that and talked to God about that, like Linda samonim said. It wasn’t my problem, it was God’s. He had to, has to take care of it. I am not living, but Jesus inside of me, He has to do it. He took our sins, sicknesses and infirmities. So there. It wasn’t me, but Him. Amen. And I remember on that day when I first gained that faith in my heart over this word, how the anxiety instantly seemed to abate and rush of calmness and thankfulness overwhelmed my heart.

It’s scary, but at once, I have hope. I will perhaps present this testimony at church when I get the chance. The ED wants me to feel ashamed about this, but at once if it is truly God whom has done it, there is nothing to be ashamed about what so ever. I am reminded that I need to live in front of God and not in front of men. That is one thing the ED seems to try to use against me as well. This idea of what other people will or do think of me. That if I gain weight, or at the size I am now, they will judge me, or make fun of me, belittle me. Think I am fat, and the connotations around that being negative. This, despite Thomas telling me that is not what people actually think. However the ED says, that when I am a “healthy” normal weight they won’t be thinking that, and will think I failed and got to fat and I can’t win either way. If I am thin, they won’t like it and say gain, but then when a “healthy”, “normal” weight think I have gone overboard…yet with that logic perhaps, then go forward anyways if I can’t win their hearts no matter what. Rather, look to what God says instead. What He thinks and says about us. What is my own perception of my body? Confused. It actually does seem to change though when I think about what I think others think of it. If I were in seclusion, part of me feels I would be okay with it, because I’d have nothing to be ashamed of, since no one else could see it…that is though, to say I’d be hiding? Would I be ashamed if I didn’t know other standards or that there were any? Or would it simply be. The idea of going into seclusion to hide away from it though implies shame, versus the idea of having never known it. I think what it is, is this idea of that no matter what I do, so long as another person exists, the fear of being seen as wrong by them. Even if it is not. The fact that one can think ill of me. “Wrong” not in just making a mistake, but in that by making a mistake, it makes me a horrible person. Morally wrong.

Just like perhaps the idea of eating more, how prior when people would say ask God for help, I couldn’t reconcile it because it seemed like that would be asking God to help me do something wrong. How if I felt like if I ate more, I was harming my body, which was wrong. So how could I do that? How if I was eating a food, it was harming me, and how could I then morally justify the idea of purposefully harming myself? How by eating, weight gain would follow and show. So even if people didn’t see me eat, it would almost be more shameful in a sense, because they could see as “proof” by the fat on my body how I harmed myself, even out of their sight. Like self harm scars, but of my whole physical being. That is actually what has stopped me from self harming many times. For some reason to me, it always feels more satisfying to do on my arms, but if I do that, other will see, and then say something and judge. It is seen as “bad”. So then, I don’t. I have often thought to myself that if I could somehow self harm and it not be visible, as if by cutting, it were to just last but a few seconds on the skin, before somehow disappearing or be masked somehow I might be covered in them. Or well, thank God that isn’t the case I suppose. Well that sounded morbid, now didn’t it? How much of this do I actually mean anyways…. I wonder as well. How much of it is my brain just spewing things… How much of it actually means anything. Does any of it actually mean anything? Okay, verging on (or already in?) OCD making me doubt what is real or comprehendible or something like that. Deep breath. Okay, well, it’s been a fair amount of time and partially more free in my mind as far as cognitive load being lightened I suppose.

 

I am glad I am able to share this experience though, and move forward. I am still scared in some ways and unsure where all this is going, because for so long the idea of feeling okay and being “normal” as seen disgusting and pathetic and impossible, at once forlorning  myself to a life of being happy and fat, ironically. But part of me is wanting to try and dare to dream of something more, beyond the ED and OCD, actual “life” and productivity beyond it. Perhaps that is, other values and goals beyond them, or despite them. That when there are other things to grasp onto, that they may not seem so important. Though they hate that. But. Oh well. And how it hates that. How scary that is at once. But part of me wants to take that freedom and dare to be happy beyond them. It is a bizarre concept to my brain, or feels foreign, yet there it is. And it may seem foreign, but the only way to have that lessen is to get more aquainted. Of course, through all this, my mind feels scared but a buzz with hope wondering what this is. That at once without trying, through that promise, through what Linda samonim said, realizing how God has to take care of all of it. The pain, mentally and physically. How I can rest in that. How the words of Minister Song, when I asked him about Eccelesiates 3, and Nehemiah 9:36. How the Israelites tried to control things and that is why they were unable to be happy, and free, enjoy that which God had wanted to give them. How despite that, God was able to work. How through giving up everything in a sense, how realizing we can’t, or even if the flesh still keeps trying to convince us that we can, knowing that we can’t. Only He can. How it is only through His Grace. I shared that testimony a few weeks ago at Regional Service after Dwayne had gone and talked about needing Grace from God. How indeed, we cannot do anything, and He has to give us Grace, including the Grace to have faith, to do anything. How I sincerely on some level wished for that and how at once knowing only He could give me that heart. Surely but slowly in some sense if feels like that has happened. It has happened. In God’s eye I am perfect, because He is perfect, His son is perfect. I think back to when I first received Salvation. How in my mind I felt it. How I felt Satan get scared. He knew God had one, however had decided he would try to make it as difficult as possible to take me, drag me along the way, at least in this life. He couldn’t take Salvation from me, but he wanted to try and make this life difficult. But he knew God won. So as much as some of this is so arduous and at times have wished for death, part of me rests soundly. I watched a video yesterday of the funeral service of a girl whom died, committed suicide as a result of her ED. The funeral service was held at a church and her father and pastor said some words. They both talked about how anorexia was a liar and in contrast what God’s word said. How anorexia was a result of sin; not the persons, but sin in general, but how Jesus has overcome that, He paid for our sins and how that girl was in heaven, not because of anything she had done, but because she had accepted what He had done for her….I didn’t watch the whole thing fully, and will perhaps watch it again, but it stuck me hard in a sense, when I was anxious yesterday. It felt more potent, hearing someone else say out loud how anorexia was a liar, how in contrast, what God’s word said. Some around me might find that ironic, saying they’ve said the same things of sort, but it felt different…I often feel those around me don’t take it seriously…I don’t know, maybe I don’t know their hearts precisely, but it’s scary. I feel like they think it is easy and on some level it is, or rather is simple, but not “easy” how if I were to “just”…but precisely that is why it is not. How it is mind bending. How I fear, or how the ED has me fear that I will get over it “too easily” and as such make them think they were right and it was “just in my head” and nothing was actually wrong. What is this perverse distorted thinking? Oh right. At once I try and remind myself, I need to look past, or despite what others think and look rather at what God says. Amen.