I’ve got a lunch date today

Look at me being all spontaneous and flexible and s***.

I know my mind will keep going back and forth, but when I look at it, I know I do want to be able to be more flexible in being able to do things; of course I still want to feel safe and not out of control/ anxious that bad things will happen, like screwing up my digestion, eating too much, gaining too much weight;

Any? My mind seems to settle right now..eh, or go back and forth in that a few pounds to gain freedom and flexibility is okay, so much as while doing so it is true freedom and peace, not massive horrible anxiety with trying to do compensatory actions…Though at once I suppose I still am in a way? I don’t know, there seems to be a difference between balance and compensatory anxiety driven behaviors.

I am meeting my friend at a café. Originally it was going to be at 10 AM, which I was a bit afraid of initially, as admittedly the last two days I’d been stuck in a sort of anxiety/ old routine of “have tos” but realizing that was pointless, yet not knowing what else to do per say. He messaged me this morning, when I confirmed the location and he said, let’s make it 12. I said sure, but immediately was like, “What about lunch? How am I going to do that? I won’t be able to eat lunch? How do I eat at a different time?” and so forth. But, I will go forward anyways and see what happens. Admittedly, I am also worrying about/ don’t like the idea of having to go out and buy food, but well if God allows. I have a promise in my mind too, that God will give me the money I need. I have this thought/ promise it seems that He will let me win this $3000 award that I had entered for. Well yeah. That seems impossible, but at once something says it is so. Maybe if not now but in some other way as well.

I’m afraid of how if I eat something there, about the nutritional quality or picking something “right” or something socially acceptable. I wonder if my choice is out of physical need or what I have programmed by body to want. I think it is out of actual sustenance though. Oh and how my ED loathes that, but it seems like my body has come back on line in terms of suddenly being able to feel and desire food. Or perhaps I can just feel it now or am not used to that constant pain so much. Or maybe it was because of that cold, and cough I am still fighting off and my body so then desires food at all costs. Going to the café, I already looked at their website. Part of me feels like I “should” want to buy something sweet and all sugary because, café, and if feels like what one is “supposed to” do, but at once I know I would much rather have something savory at that time, which would feel better physically as well, my sugary foods are more in the morning, with berries, and yogurt, and whatever my morning snack will be. Then for lunch something more substantial. I think I already know what I want from their menu, even though my ED says pick the lower calorie shrimp one, I want the chicken. Or who knows maybe my friend will even want to go somewhere else if we are eating lunch; I feel odd at the idea of me suggesting we eat, but I hope maybe he will bring it up. Scary, but yeah. I have to remind myself to them it isn’t something shameful but apparently, something they are thankful for when they see me eat.

Yesterday was interesting. As I mentioned prior, I had been stuck in the morning until about 2 PM in my horrible state of compulsion, having to be moving constantly for the most part, eating lunch and my snack at exact times, worrying about the next and the next. Yet what Minister Song told me about Ecclesiastes 6:1-3 just came to mind again, as well as Nehemiah 9:36. How the reason the Israelites were enslaved was because they had tried to control, rather than trust God. When they tried to control, they ended up being controlled. I think that is really pertinent to how OCD and EDs work. Or all workings like that I suppose. I was able to get to church, all anxious, I was texting samonim, and walked into the office feeling like I’d be unable to stay. I walked in with the thought of, “Oh well, well what is my life without daily distress and torture?” She had fellowship with me, while my ED spewed nonsense. I wasn’t able to sit down really for a while, I wanted to keep walking. I think my melt down like behavior kind of just got all the energy out and was able to focus actually for some time, of course still getting up and down, walking out at any moment I could, but it didn’t feel wholly contrived. Just a bit insidious lingering…Samonim seemed happy by that. I wonder though if she doesn’t just quite understand the ramifications in regards to my compulsive walking. She wants to stop it because she was told it hurts my body, but perhaps she doesn’t understand the psychological ramifications? The fact that it is in line with purging, or is considered a form of purging to some (I don’t see it as such, but well yeah.) In any case I was able to stay there until dinner time working on the computer and making calls. We needed to set up an email but I didn’t know what to write at all.

I had dinner there, and it wasn’t soo scary. It was some pretty safe Korean side dishes (kim chi) with rice (okay yeah scary but what that’s about it, it’s not so scary), with bean paste, and a soup which did have perilla leaf and yes it did have that potent medicinal taste, however it wasn’t overwhelming with the after taste and bitterness. The soup also had some meat in it, and the fear of how much fat was in it was disconcerting but I ate most of it. I have this fear in my mind, or the ED does, that these foods aren’t as safe as my mind wants it to be, that it has too many calories, but the ED is being lulled into fake security by it being vegetables and somehow samonim is spiking it with oil or extra calories. I wasn’t able to stay after though. Samonim told me to perhaps go back to the office and work on the email, I half nodded then went off and walked around Korea town for an hour or so, maybe less, to burn off the calories and uncomfortable feeling, being one of those people I hate again, walking through a 7-11 looking at all the foods I can’t have/ don’t want, through the Galleria Market and lastly at Vons. Part of me knew or felt I still did need more calories and I dared buy this desired pastry I had seen the last few days walking by it looking in the case. A waffle donut, which had chocolate. I am not sure how it is made exactly, but it is just as one might think perhaps. 50 cents, and I walked out scared, wanting only one bite. I sadly was able to take a bite of the top, to only get mostly chocolate (I consider all the rest of the dough a waste), but then did that on a bit more of it, and when I got to my car felt a panic, and smashed the whole thing to prevent me from eating any more of it. That was sad, but a bit of a triumph in a way I could have any of it an not feel wholly out of control, like I had binged, needed to freak out and walk/ exercise even more. I drove home and while walking up the stairs it wanted to haunt me, “extra” calories I hadn’t been told to eat, but I realized it would do no good and moved on. I went on to do my usual relaxation/ yoga, before bed and was able to go to sleep. Albeit, my right shoulder is still giving me pain, being impinged for over a month now, since sleeping wrong in New Jersey, ironically on a bed, but on my right side. Trying to work the kinks out now, but unsure how exactly. I’ve also got a referral from my mom about visceral manipulation and found a lead, and from there the person passed on my number, (or said they would) to someone whom practices it and may be able to help me. So there is that. In a way it feels like things are coming together. I worry and wonder. My mind says such things “shouldn’t” happen for me, that feeling good is but a fantasy, feeling okay and actually being okay is foreign, nice things can’t happen to you, only others. Wait does it actually happen to others or is it only fantasy? No one can actually live well and feel well can they? That is what my mind says. That or, only for others, not for you. It tries to stop me in pursuit of these things, but at once I realize it is wrong in that, that thought is limiting.

I’m glad yesterday samonim stopped me. It must be very confusing when someone is saying all the things they can’t do and then calm down and do it.

Well now…On to…whatever is on for the rest of this day.

I hope when I meet my fiend today, that when we talk, God allows me to share my testimony with him, insights, and well that God is able to share wisdom through him as well. I don’t want to have perfunctory small talk. I hate that, hence probably why I am able to go today as well, because with him it doesn’t seem meaningless. I have issues when things do seem meaningless. That also reflects on my heart how I view certain church works though as well, like I told samonim yesterday, how being in the office, doing whatever work seemed like I wouldn’t help anyways, but well. God worked. Continues to work. Thank God…

A Week or so on:

So it’s been about a week or so since I’ve come home. On the food front, it is oh so confusing. I go back and forth between what I want. Or well, kind of. My mind right now would rather like to just maintain my weight where it is at. Actually I am slightly distressed by the gain I have had; part of me knows, or is at least trying to say it is from simply having food in my body now, water weight/ rehydration and eh, bowel movement; or lack there of in relation to how much food I seem to be taking in?

I am on the other hand afraid of screwing up my metabolism and being doomed to gain on a small amount, however my ED also hates that idea of hating that, as it implies I’d rather eat more and gain? Or eat more and not gain? Eating more is apparently implied though which it thinks is bad. On the other hand it also feels quite disordered in a sense of wanting to be able to eat more and maintain a healthy weight? Or actually what I see as healthy, or normal, or comfortable for me, which is this weight now. Or two to three pounds less. Three pounds gained as of this morning, though yesterday it was one less. My mind wants to go through all the reasons why it could be, and one merely being scale inaccuracy. I think I am being sedentary, though others might think otherwise. I don’t quite understand how one can truly be “sedentary”.

Yesterday I went to church at around 2 PM, after having walked at the mall for about 45 minutes, fifteen minutes to church in the car, and then sitting most of the time in the office until 4:30, when I could no longer take the sitting, and went on a walk for about half an hour, to a Korean store near by, looking at things, and drinks, but then going to Jack in the Box across the street for a $1 drink, which was much cheaper and it turns out they have a Coca Cola Freestyle machine…but my drink was disappointing anyways, perhaps a bit flat. Then I walked back towards the church, unsure what to do. it was already 5 something in the afternoon, and then I wanted to just go home and have dinner there, but then had no idea what, and dinner was horrifying anyways, and felt I should have it at church, but I didn’t know what they’d have and I was horrified by that; the idea of being nauseatingly full (I had a bad experience on Sunday at church, ate the plate of food samonim gave me and five hours later, trying a drink she gave me, threw up the pretty much undigested lunch) feeling overwhelming and my head hurting, at the mere recollection even now. I was in my car and texting samonim, saying it felt pointless to go in. If I didn, I wouldn’t be able to stay for service, because I’d just be freaking out over how fat I was getting sitting down. I turned on my car to go, but then didn’t. I started crying slightly over how I wanted to go, but knew that if I did, it would only reinforce the idea that I (the ED) was right, and didn’t want that. If I went back home, and did my normal routine, running away, like I did, prior to going to New York, there would be no point. I didn’t want to do the same things, I want to change. Even though staying felt horrible and seemed to mean getting fat, and/or enduring horrible anxiety venerating through my body. This frenetic energy that symbolized to me, you must move or else this will be concentrated and glued into your body. I walked back in, past people eating their dinners, I saw one of the deacons looking at me, I walked in to the uh…What is it called now? Well the meeting room they have under the chapel, that has tables, people eat in their on Sundays as well, but not during the week it seems. Two of my friends were there, and doing stuff. I just stood there, looking at the map of LA that is up on the wall. I noticed Zamperini field in Torrance. It reminded me of Unbroken, Louis Zamperini and somehow, while I couldn’t think deeply about it, as my mind felt stuck to go any further, there was a certain spirit that came forth in thinking about it.

Minister came in and asked me if I wanted to eat dinner. I was like no, trying to explain my anxiety. By now he just seems confused and doesn’t know what to do, so he just went out. I was lost as to what to do. I felt I couldn’t go to samonim, and didn’t want to go by all the people, it felt so embarrassing. I saw samonim outside at one point and put something down, then go back. I didn’t think she knew I was there, but then she walked in without even missing a beat and was like, “Okay Kianni, I have your food, let’s go and eat.” I was like, wtf…. I was scared and torn. I felt like if I ate… Well part of me wanted to, it’d be okay, but only if I exercised after/ walked. We went back and forth slightly. I said the whole, “I can’t eat because then if I stay for service I’ll just be thinking about how fat I am getting.” To which some 11 year old or so girl was there to which samonim basically told her what I said, and she was like, “Do you think she is fat?” the girl was like, omg, no, she is so skinny. I was like, eh yeah, no. But oh well. I don’t say that to be edifying, well the ED wants to take it that way, but also to show I know I was being irrational and despite how emotionally “true” it seemed”. Again it is also easier to believe children, which samonim knew after I told her about what Yae Chun had said before. Samonim said she was hungry and wanted to eat, so if anything I used that as my reason, of, okay so samonim can eat I will go sit over there. My fears were slightly abated when I saw the food wasn’t too horrifying. Of course my ED wants to say it was secretly all covered in oil and deceptively “healthy”. That is, it wasn’t a huge amount either. I think on some level samonim took may have learned from that throwing up on Sunday… It was like three or four types of kim chi, a semi-reasonable amount of rice (I would have put a little less) and then some sort of mixture that I think was like pumpkin seed, mushroom and I don’t know what else. I think bean paste. Oh and a bowl of apricots, in juice…or syrup. That was actually the most horrible thing to me. Sugar. Straight sugar. I’d almost say it was trying to be disguised as healthy, but nothing of canned fruit says health to me, just sugar. Straight sugar. I started with the kim chi. Almost afraid of it since last Sunday, but I wasn’t nauseated and this wasn’t that scratchy fresh cabbage I think that may have made it worse on Sunday. I also wasn’t a hot uncomfortable yellow curry from Sunday…anyways..eh, my mind feels traumatized by that…though part of me says that was also caused by trying to run/ exercise that morening, but it’s probably a combination…At any rate, away from that traumatizing meal/ day.

I also don’t get how people eat with a spoon and chopsticks. It was made all the more awkward wondering if I put the spoon or the chopstick in my dominant hand when trying to scoop it. But then the struggling with it like that also made the ED appeased [it shouldn’t be easy to eat. It should be weird. People should know]. I think the kim chi was reasonably oily or something though. I didn’t want to think about it too much, but one did have those little dried baby fishes, that look like squiggly lines with black dot eyes. They weren’t so dried though when mixed with…whatever it was. I didn’t eat the perilla leaf kim chi though. It was just straight perilla leaf it seemed, but it reminded me of the horrible one I’d had before at New Years in Dallas, where it was coated in some black liquid, and made my whole body quiver from such a medicinal, anise like taste…No, was it licorice like? It had that strong potency though. This one didn’t have anything, but then it seemed rather dry and as such I imagined it messing up my insides, so I left it alone. I ate about two apricot halves and some juice, which had ice in it. I was more afraid by that than anything, leaving the rest.

Kristi-samonim seemed okay with that. Over all, it was doable, but then of course Young-samonim had to comment while I was eating. She was like, “Kianni.” *I look up* “It’s delicious, right?” I just glare off at her and down at my plate, moving food around as there is a long silence, which Kristi-samonim attempts to fill with, “Anyways, just thank God she is eating.” I went for the dark look, rather than saying what was on my mind. Vitriol. The words that come to mind are, “Why do you say such f***ing stupid things?” and wanting to glare off. It could continue with why does she always do that? When she’d try to get me to eat before, it’d be like, “Kianni, it is delicious” and me wanting to spew more vitriol words, of “So what? Who cares? Why would you think that matters?” and so on. I wish she just understood that, but to me it seems it almost strikes her as funny. Like when she saw me in Manhattan, I saw her once, I had gotten some oden broth, and she said, “Kianni. Eat a lot.” I’m like, what the hell…I mean, not in… It’s that she takes it so lightly? That others pain seems light to her? I don’t know. I get that feel from others at too at times, but it’s just annoying. I’d want to be able to go to her for understand, but between that and the lack of understanding due to the language barrier it is frustrating.

In any case, after that dinner, and feeling angry, but in someway better; I have to admit part of this was glad I ate at church because I was able to eat something different, which was at once seemingly a safe meal and not have to spend my own money or go home and eat something “safe” but not safe because then my mind gets angry that it has so many calories and is “easy”…which it “shouldn’t” be and as such I just get double psychological pain instead in a different way? That “free meal” thing horribly bothers me though. I don’t want to spend money/ I have no income right now, but feel bad about eating meals for free as I don’t think I deserve it anyways. Well back on point; I followed Kristi samonim to where she was going, but then when she going to give her baby a bath, I walked out, straight past her husband and Young samonim having fellowship, half expecting them to stop me, but they didn’t (well they didn’t know where I was going I guess) and walked out the back gate, and walked around for a while. I went to the market, used the restroom there, walked up and down the aisles at foods half absent mindedly, walked back around up a hill around there while messaging Laura about how things had been going. I was able to get back to church after 45 minutes or so and go to the English chapel. First English service (not translated) in like… Months, since Minister was finally back. I helped sweep the stage, as my friends cleaned and did other stuff. I didn’t mind, kept me on my feet. Went to the kitchen back and forth, a few times to get water, and to take back a water cup. I like that. Service started a bit late, and was wanting to leave the whole time though, to get up, go home, and do yoga/ not be sitting down especially so late. I tried to reason that I could just do it later, but still… Well I was able to get through the testimonies, and then minister preached. I was able to actually listen in some aspects. I think my impaired brain appreciated the English only, versus translation. I didn’t mind translation so much before, but now it seems my mind finds it hard to handle and easier to just not be able to comprehend. As much as I hate to admit that. Minister also spoke about his trip and one brother we were paired with/ was in our group during New York, so that was also easier for me to comprehend/ hang onto in a way, since I had been there, it was easier somehow to know what he was saying, since in some sense I was just recalling as well. I was still angry though, or wanting to get up. I wanted to immediately just go home, but was also annoyed by having to sit in the car to get home and wanted a drink, or something, which was also annoying because it seemed too late and what not. In any case as Wednesday is prayer service, me and samonim and Sam then had to pray, but I was angry and didn’t want to pray, so after some delay, I was able to pray a bit, but about my anger and the Cantata coming up and how I hate that people just don’t seem to come, or when they do don’t stay, or just like it for some emotional feeling, but not necessarily the Word, however I prayed for God to change that and our hearts as well. After that though I shot up to go home. We had a Cantata meeting right after, but I left. Samonim tried to get me to stay, but whatever. Nope. I almost paused, again with the, “by going are you reinforcing that you are right? – Which you are not.” But at once it seemed so right. At once I wish that samonim hadn’t let me go. But it seemed like to much too. I don’t know. At any rate I left. Went and bought a decaf coffee at 7-11 to feel better, with sugar free vanilla syrup and a Sweet n Low, and a Equal and some dairy free French vanilla creamer. My calories were below what they “should” be, even what my ED was seeming to allow, so it seemed okay..ish. If I don’t think about it too much. I left some coffee in the cup, which made me feel better, as drinking that many calories and artificial sweeteners seemed bad anyways. Got home to Gramm being awake, eating whatever her dinner was at around 10 PM. I did some light yoga. As I thought, sub-par to me, as it was late. Know at prior time no matter how late I would have forced myself (forced? Was it forced or just compulsory?) to do a certain exact routine no matter how late. I am recalling back to when I was fourteen or fifteen, up at mid-night after having gotten home and having to do certain back bends and toe touches, from a specific Yoga routine video. Ones I still do today when I can…and like it…or do I? Whatever.

This morning I am not sure what will be going on today. I already had breakfast, stretched a bit, walked my dog, had coffee. I am pondering a morning snack, and wondering how horrified I will feel after that and what compensatory movement will have to be done there afterwards. I notice how when I type and search for certain words, I also have this “need” for them to feel “right”, for certain words to feel right. Like when I chose “compensatory” my mind was stalled and searching, but then found the “right” one. When I wrote “right”, right then, my mind stalled and contemplated, “correct” or “right” even though they have a similar meaning, but going based on whatever feeling or mood I am perhaps trying to convey? In some aspects if feels like OCD, but in one way it is normal? Yet if the rule is, that if it even seems like it might be OCD, it is OCD, how might this be remedied? Well go on writing despite it? Or pick the “wrong” word? Hm. Well Maybe. It seems intellectually dishonest, but the fact that it causes my mind such distress to pick the “Wrong” word as if by doing so I am lying by omission in expression of what I am feeling or trying to portray…yeah. Okay, in any case, time to go pick a snack. And by pick I mean agonize. Or so my mind says I need to say. What ever.

New Chapter

It seems like where I am now is a new chapter in my life, having to rebuild…Like Gramm said a two days ago, though I hated it in the moment, I suppose it is true, “from scratch.”

I went for a month with my church as a volunteer. I went for a month in Minneapolis at a Student Camp, then three weeks in New York out witnessing. In three weeks I utterly destroyed my body it seems. My BMI is around 14.8 to 15 depending (1 pound difference at my height under five feet). I dropped about 12 pounds in two to three weeks. While there, I exhibited eating disordered thoughts and behaviors I never thought I would do. I never really though I was “anorexic” but as I went through that I ticked off all the various behaviors I never thought were actually possible, at once feeling powerless to control it what so ever. A stand off over food which lasted over an hour, and I didn’t even flinch, it just left others defeated. A stand off over a yogurt, which had 90 calories, did actually eat it, but filled with self loathing and only 200 calories or so for the entire day. Going to a restaurant and pretending to eat. The days just… I was out of my mind. Yet on a Thursday or so, I got a cold. I was like, “God, why!?!” I wouldn’t be able to keep up what I was doing. Somehow my body was running on nothing and felt “fine” but with this cold, my body got super weak, showing me my true image, how it felt like I was dying, just from that cold. A normal person wouldn’t feel so terrible, but to me, in the Bronx, a hot day, only 10 AM, my body started freaking out. Even when I sat down, my body felt like it was pulsing, my heart rate was up. I was scared. I was afraid I would die. I called my Dad, and he basically reinforced the same thing. Something about facing death, even when I’d said before, I didn’t care, changed it. It seems like when my body flips out that much, it quiets the ED voice, and I was actually able to eat. Kristi samonim brought food, and I was able to eat it. More than I had in days, weeks perhaps. I was able to keep eating through the day to about 1200 calories. More than in weeks. The next day, I was back to defiant in the morning, thinking I didn’t need it, but again, my body flipped on my and was feeling like I would collapse. Laying in the student lounge, in the corner, pitifully on a sofa. Samonim had come in there with me and I had contacted Laura Collins. She was able to talk to samonim and give her some insight on EDs. I am forever grateful. I was able to express the fact that I wanted to be able to do Magic Plate with them, starting then. Samonim was overjoyed. I felt such a rush of relief. Minister came after and he didn’t seem to happy, but I guess samonim explained to him after. I was able to eat the 4 or so days in the Camp, more than in so long. Somehow my digestion there wasn’t so terrible, or it was, but yeah. God was holding onto it.

I am back in LA now, and yesterday was a “bad” day. I ate my usual breakfast and then tried to go out and run/ walk. Part of me knew it would be impossible. Part of me is so angry that a month or so ago I could run 16 miles fine (well, relatively…ED, OCD, anxiety driven…) but now my body is so weak, it would maybe get one out and walking the rest, and feeling terrible. It is probably exacerbated by this cold though. I never wanted it to be like this. I think God is truly showing me my image. He destroyed me as I knew myself so He could build me up. Even when it comes to food, now being able to try different things. I know in the beginning before it was like that, but I want this time to be different, through God. I don’t want to go back to controlling and rigid. I want to have a future. I want to be able to go forward in God. I am back home now and my grandparents, even my Grandpa whom has Alzheimer’s is worrying about me. I want to rebuild. I’ve had it in my heart too that I want to be strong, I want to gain strength and I want to train for a 50 mile race. That seems impossible and I would never know how to do it without being in agonizing OCD/ED pain, but it must be possible. Through God. Right now I can barely even do a mile (It wasn’t even a mile was it?) but through God, I want to be able to. Not like before, but a new. It seems impossible, but all things are possible through God. Freedom from my eating disorder. Freedom with food, exercise, life, everything. Through God.

Random venting on perception of drink and food menus and then a small update of sorts.

Here is the issue I have with menus. In one way it makes me very sad, in another I don’t get why I or anyone else would have it any other way once they realize this “truth”. Particularly say cafes. Starbucks or in this case, Tim Horton’s, which triggered this line of thoughts as Eat Your Kim Chi asked on Instagram what two of their crew should try for the first time. There is that immediate glee of “Ohh, try something new and good tasting” followed by an immediate shut down of, “Oh yeah, that can’t happen though.” Followed by wondering how others could so simply just drink something and not know or wonder what is in their drink. How when they drink it, could they not feel the shame, anxiety, and sugar, filtering through their bodies, reacting as though it were poison and excess, feeling horribly horribly wrong, as it should not be so easy to consume something like that. If I look at a board, with different flavors of coffee, different lattes, flavored with caramel, mocha, etc. My mind just deconstructs it to where it looks and sounds terrible, basically sugar, coated with more sugar coated and suited to change flavors, to what end/point? Who cares? It just becomes sickly and undesirable. It is all sugar transformed to different flavors and with that in mind those flavors become saccharine, all the same. You drink it, it is gone, what the hell was the point of that? At once I don’t think I am quite able so “savor” food. Or if I do, it still seems pointless and stupid. Flavor lasts for but a second, I question what it even tasted like, was it even good, was it real, is that perception right? My mind speeds up, and then it is over and it is like…What was the point? You’ll eat in a few hours again anyways. Generally I find I try to go now for the feel of the food in regards to how I will feel after. So it isn’t to say flavor doesn’t play a certain aspect; it has to be palatable and not terrible, but trying for that “omg, awesomeness” freaks me out, and in fact I think if I ever get something like that I’d immediately be afraid it has something that is “too much” and I must limit it. Not even just calorie wise, but if using artificial anything as well, because those tend to have terrible digestive effects, or things with high fiber, etc. In all though… Well I guess there is something I always worry on. What I tend to mean in regards to how I feel after the food though, is how I feel physically, if “intuitively” the carbs, or protein, or fat, etc. was what my body needed to feel all freaked out and anxious. On some level I know part of it is in my head (as with anyone), though I can get a gist at times of when my body perhaps needs a certain level of calories or maybe a certain macro nutrient more than another. For instance, generally can’t take in something like straight coffee or even water when my body needs calories, it’d often feel worse as times. I don’t know how much of that is in my head, but I mean it should be obvious if I need calories, it’d feel better if I did take some in…Right? I’ve been trying to focus more on that aspect, than some superficial psychological need for something to be a certain way, but focus on how things actually are. One big sticking point for my ED/OCD is being afraid of trying different foods and being afraid it will feel “wrong” after the fact, though it seems even if I am afraid it will feel “wrong”, for one thing, my body needs to try different things to adapt, and get used to them, in another, my body isn’t as mechanically rigid as my mind feels it is/ should be. So I try to focus on how things actually are, rather than my mind saying “things are wrong” or the idea that they will be at some point and it will be terrible because you changed that one thing.

Now I’m thinking about other restaurant menus. Not one in particular comes to mind, but say a one that has sandwiches, I feel my mind immediately deconstruct it, the bread and meat, if there is not meat and it is still high calories it is even more perplexing as to why one would want it (which they generally are due to high calorie dressing and thick bread). I go to Whole Foods and see a spread of food, the various sections, pizza, sandwiches, deli, baked good (as opposed to baked bads as I’ve seen one of their signs say), and at once it seems foolish to me to partake in such foods. Both “healthy” yet high in calorie. I know there is something terribly skewed about this in some sense. It isn’t about it being low calorie, but being “healthy” in some other sense, organic, no chemicals, preservatives, etc. Yet my mind wants to laugh at spending so much money to eat something supposedly clean, that my mind would want to not eat anyway. I can see a certain appeal to it in a disordered sense, but also the opposite of “Why not eat the “real” thing, and save money” but also the “It is worth the money to eat something I enjoy and be healthy.” My mind feels jaded to the idea that humans could inherently truly like something food for them in the way they do something “bad” for them, simply because well… They “should” or as if that is how it seems in my mind people “should be” or “are” or how I was, I don’t know.

So when I complain about saccharine drinks, at once it may feel vile, but then I feel sad and conflicted I can’t enjoy the poison like other people, but think if I really don’t like it now, who cares? Should I make myself enjoy it, become immune and build up a tolerance to it “just because”? This goes both ways in a sense of those whom might eschew said things in the name of health. It is also hard to view any of these things as rational or logical as it seems well, people don’t quite do it as such. Demonizing either side seems inherently wrong, and then stating “moderation” or balance all around seems to put this idea in my mind at least of the fact that they are all somehow wrong(?) and need to be constantly counterbalancd…or…Maybe not quite that, but by saying “balance”, you are saying there is something wrong with certain foods? “Good” and “Bad”, though I suppose the human condition would rather we just go full out in one sort of extreme as “The best”, but it is apparently not the case. Why am I venting all of this anyways… Again, it may be one of those very eating disorder driven sort of rants and vents which I may well cringe at a future time up reading. I can say in some aspects, my mental state has gone down in some regards, but feels better in others, as my weight has also gone down, though in my perception (which people say is faulty) is not “too” bad, not low, of course I don’t ever thing that really, and neither do most people with EDs, hence anosognosia. Yet if I think I have anosognosia, do I? Or it is rather I know others think I have an issue, but I can not see said issue, so believe they would probably say I have it.

In any case, time moves on. What ever God allows. Upon reflection it’d seem He’s been throwing stuff at me to perhaps turn (repent) and yet I seem numb to it, but on some level “know”. I guess I’ll just have to wait in longsuffering until He allows the grace for me to “see” (even if I literally can’t) and change me.

Expectation of food or idealization of it and then reality

In my mind it is really confusing. I think when I look at other people eat or talk about food, to me the idea that food is great, tastes good, etc. is more in their mind and ideas surrounding it than the actual food and taste of it there of…If that makes sense. I have these ideas at times, or possible desire to try different foods, but then there is this sigh of “What is the point?” What is the point in the variety, and differences, it is there and then it is gone and then it’s all confusing like…What was the point? Was that even real?

Actually that last part seems like a big one for me, though it may seem strange, “Was that even real?” It’s not like you can see flavor or taste, etc. or even enjoyment. The act of eating things is really weird when I look at it. The newness in things I suppose is overwhelming and perhaps always has been for me, as a child I recall basically always ordering the same thing at places and having satisfaction in that, perhaps rather than the flavor of food itself. I knew there were foods I was “supposed to” enjoy and others not so much, or were just a bit off(?).

There is this idea of enjoying food, but a lot of the times when I have this idea, it is more of an aesthetic reason. Foods that look nice and by that stretch people often seem to enjoy it more as if it were to enhance the flavor, or feel more “right” in their minds? Take California Donuts. I mean those donuts look really aesthetically pleasing to me. They’re bright and pretty. The Panda is cute, but if I dissect it more…It’s like…Eh. Then it’s like…Yeah, that’d probably be disappointing…Eh that’s stupid, it just looks cute but…Something. Like I want to but no because it’d probably be like a less dressed up donut, but then the Oreo on top will just jolt my brain with confusion and disappointment and judgment of “I could have just put an Oreo on top of my own donut and gotten regular frosting and it would be the same no matter how it looks!” Damn my brain just judges the hell out of things really, it can’t just enjoy things. But it says to do so would be “wrong” but that kind of sucks the fun out of things. Not being able to just be, because it seems stupid. Kind of like how in my Statistics class there was this one girl who was always acting a bit childish and on more than one occasion I was known to kill her apparent fun; to me it was just wasting time…Probably like how eating different things and then disappointment seems to be wasting time and money.

I don’t know, it seems like I am “supposed to” try different foods, but then it doesn’t seem worth the hassle and lack of enjoyment; That is I can’t really imagine it becoming more enjoyable either, more like just a sort of chore I try to force? Perhaps just like holidays as a kid, at some point even my mom noted how I never really liked them but tried to do holiday things because it felt more obligatory.

*shrugs*

Oh well, I guess if God wants me to, I will go that way, I can’t do anything about it, but just have faith He will work.

Daily Anxieties, food and otherwise related.

Part of me wishes I could be one of those people who has “Fear foods” and challenges things and eats different things as if it were some sort of game. In the least it makes it feel more concrete, like you have something to strive for. In a sense though one might say mine is so broad, doing anything could be as such. I don’t have fear foods. (And here is where it feels like there is some giant cognitive blind spot for me which should be very obvious or probably is to others where my mind just blanks out and can’t accept anything others might say because it feels like a lie or something…I need to stop adding the “or somethings” and so on because it is anxiety OCD/driven to make sure a sort ambiguity is placed, lest I was not clear enough, or may have misspoken, to make it come off softer rather than statement of fact so I can clarify if need be…or something. What the heck..) Anything that is not what I normally eat is a fear food. The foods I eat are fear foods. They cause me anxiety, I wonder how they will effect me, I wonder if I will feel okay after I eat them, still wanting more or too full, messing up my digestion, or making it better? So since it all basically has that reaction it’s not really fair to say anything is a fear food…though perhaps on a certain scale there is. There are no foods that are “right” all times of day, that I can have without anxiety any time of day. Different times, and what I’ve had prior dictate what is okay or not at a certain time. And even if it might feel okay physically…or is it psychologically? I don’t know, but even then it can technically seem “Wrong”, like I shouldn’t, because if something is changed as to where I’d have to accommodate, then it comes off as wrong.

I suppose however that right there is what I have to deny. If I am still holding onto the idea that it is wrong, that itself is the issue, not whatever food or time it is. There is also that issue of hunger though. I have things often timed and planned out, that when it comes to challenging at different times, I often do not want food…am not “hungry” feel full, or uncomfortably bloated (but then again, don’t I always?) Anxiety definitely can contribute to that feeling though as well, making me feel a bit nauseated from fear and not in the least wanting food. Part of me feels like that is why I often like being caught up in doing things busily. At the same time it seems like a bit of a positive rather than letting the hours go by agonizingly by worrying I am going to feel hungry before the next time I am allowed to eat and some how end up eating before that time and over eating and feeling full, and/or feeling full and being afraid as the time goes by I will some how eat more and feel even more full and disgusting and gross and just keep eating with no ability to stop myself and continually just worrying over that, trying to distract with menial things, walking around while still being afraid of that…Yeah, my life for years now. Thank God it has improved, though even now in the afternoons especially (like before work as I mentioned yesterday) I notice that fear. With nothing concrete to do though, I sense that is particularly part of the issue….or rather the fear of doing sedentary things and “Getting fat”, and/or the fact by doing so it tends to make my anxiety rise and feel hyper focused on how uncomfortable my body feels…Again, thank God, not as much recently, it’s more like it is “there” but if I just break through it and do it, it isn’t so bad.

Random quote…

From, "Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" by Ian Osborn

From, “Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder” by Ian Osborn

Well, there is that. Not sure what else to say, but felt like getting that out there.

Anyone who can relate, have some sort of advice or insight might be greatly appreciated as well.

Schedule changing and therefore food anxiety…

Being that my shift at work has so far been anywhere from 3:30 PM to 7:00 PM, or 4/4:30 PM to around 8 PM, that means I don’t get to eat at my normal dinner time…Which makes me feel like I am eating too much prior to that. Like half an hour or so before I go in I’ve been having a “snack” which is generally like a coffee/ latte or something to that effect. It really bothers me for some reason though, like I am stuffing myself before hand and don’t need it. I admit I am afraid of being hungry while stuck at work even though it is only like four hours. I think the anxiety is mainly because I get off late and my OCD rules do not allow for me to eat anything substantial late at night. It isn’t convenient also as I go to sleep usually around 9 PM, and wake up at 4:30 AM and have breakfast at 4:45 AM before I go run… I don’t know why I fear being hungry though, it sounds stupid, but it’s like some deep seated psychological fear, as if thinking back to when I was really starving or something…Was I ever really starving? But that’s also why it feels stupid, like who cares if I feel hungry, I’ve dealt with much worse before and survived…but I guess it (my brain? Body?) doesn’t want to relive that or go anywhere near it. I am trying to be logical and take a deep breath and go forward anyways. Maybe I will feel hunger, maybe not, but whatever happens God allows…I am afraid of how the time will pass by, how it could be agonizing…yet again, rather than thinking or imagining how things are psychologically or could be, instead trying to just accept the moments when I actually look at them…I don’t know if that is coming off correctly. But think of say when someone has a panic attack or break down…It could be in the middle of a serene, calm forest but in their mind it is hell. So rather than all the feelings and thoughts, I am trying to focus on what is “Actually” going on outside of my mind. It would be nice though if my body actually co-operated as well and didn’t feel so bloated, which makes me feel anxious, as if it is proof that I am indeed eating too much all of the time and need to stop. Part of me knows this is distorted though…but don’t know what to do about the distended stomach feeling. Oh well. Life still moves on apparently.

Anxiety around food, and other sorts of stimuli due to not the thing itself but all the thoughts surrounding them

Or something like that.

I am starting to realize how disordered my perception of food is in a more…What is the word? Intrinsic sort of way? It isn’t so much as foods themselves, but this idea of how they “should” be, or rather how they “should” feel. How I am “supposed to” feel after eating them, or while eating them, the anxiety or lack thereof, the texture, the way it is “right” or “wrong” the alarm bells that seem to go off basically in judging everything constantly as I am eating. The idea that I am eating it too quickly, it is too easy to eat, too soft, what if I don’t feel full and end up eating more, is this too crunchy, what if it then makes somehow messes up my stomach, what if I haven’t chewed it well enough? This texture, this flavor, this feeling, it feels like my body is going to react badly, I’m scared my body isn’t used to it….Something like that, it’s not like it is really all these thoughts so much as the feeling of fear that almost synesthetically releases such ideas.

The idea of eating for flavor confuses and scares my brain. I start to question what exactly is flavor? I don’t even know. Or do I? It’s such a bizarre sort of thing. The idea of different flavors scares me and wonder “what is right?” Is this supposed to taste good? Or bad? What do other people think of it? That is probably the issue right there, the idea of basing what tastes “good” or “bad” based on other peoples perceptions or words, which may all together be different or even lying, and is subjective…I think. Not just flavor, but in combination with texture and volume or shape, etc…It’s all very confusing. There are apparently so many different flavors of things, all these things people think taste good…That’s what is weird to me, when people like so many different foods or like “all” foods, all flavors, etc…it’s like well then what is the benchmark for good? Or rather since flavors can vary so much it’s confusing to think one food can be good and so can another even if their flavors are opposing…. Spicy versus bland, sweet, sour, salty…Crunchy, smooth, hot, cold…and so on. My mind is probably (aha) too rigid in thinking there is one specific “have to” that needs to rule all the time, or at specific times or places or whatever.

Being afraid my body doesn’t feel right, being afraid after I’ve eaten something it doesn’t feel right; even if in that moment it doesn’t feel “right” or “wrong’ but simply is, my mind is still afraid it will somehow change; and it is afraid to meet that feeling…Even though it basically never comes, or when it does, such as the feeling of hunger itself, it doesn’t really matter, it is fine. Nothing terrible happens; and yet my mind goes crazy before hand feeling like it is something I *cannot* handle, though in reality I would have to, it’s not like I would suddenly drop dead…Though with such massive anxiety that or passing out often would feel easier, aha.

For instance yesterday after my final, as finals are at a different time from normal class, I was out until almost 5 PM. I was out though and had no choice but to deal with it and ride my bike home. All the while my mind just wanted to freeze somehow, as if not accepting reality would make it change, yet now it seems I am able to grasp the concept that falling into that despair doesn’t do anything, neither does the massive onslaught of anxiety…It is not even like I have realize that so much as my brain has and as such does not bring on the onslaught and I am much more easily able to abate it when it feels like it is going to creep in. Now it kind of tries, but the huge wave doesn’t come. Instead of the 10 or so minute bike ride feeling agonizing as I go down the street with my thoughts pulverizing me and anxiety crushing me physically with the “this is wrong. This can’t be real. This isn’t supposed to be happening” It is kind of more like a bunch of deep breaths and somehow evading them, trying to let them fall off as I go down the street…It’s not like they’re not there and yet it is…it is odd to explain.

I feel like I am almost at that point where I want to try new foods and deal with whatever consequences and/or feelings. I think I will be surprised in sorts of how there may be a lack of physical response, as part of me knows very much that angst and uncomfortable feeling is actually psychological not so much physical. At once I wonder how much of that is confused though, since I have a habit of also thinking physical pain isn’t real and is simply made up in my head. I have a hard time dealing with physical feels at times though, feeling like I should not be feeling this or that, it “should not” have happened, etc. but am realize that it is actually natural in a way. Maybe you think it shouldn’t have happened, but still it is something that does happen and basically “should” be something one can overcome quite easily. I don’t know when exactly I became so overly sensitive and hiding away from these sorts of sensations/ stimuli. Part of me feels like it is actually some sort of over compensation from when I was really disordered in my sophomore year of high school and overly did it, looking to deal with such sensations on a heightened level, and a sort of burn out and then wanting to escape it all…?

It is easier in a way to keep things ordered as I know them, but the physical sensations that come from such are not all to pleasant either. There is also that fact that in my mind, the idea of feeling okay is also something that can feel “wrong”. I notice how often my body is tense, and if I check and part of my body I generally have to consciously relax, as it is not the norm for me. Part of my mind also wants to resist, saying “but that is not right to be relaxed” and if asking why, it would probably be simply because that is not how things have been. Which is a stupid answer. My body aches and while I try to stretch there is this stupid attitude that has prevailed for a while not of then it feels tight, best just leave it alone until it doesn’t, or until it feels “Right” to do so. In reality that only makes things worse. I became very flexible when I was around 14 or 15, and it stayed with me for quite a while, but I think I also compulsively made it so I stretched and did yoga a certain way every single day for the most part. Now I am noting my flexibility has waned, and it brings on some sort of shame that if I can’t do it like before I shouldn’t at all until I can do it just as well. Which doesn’t make sense, so I am sort of softening my mentality (that feels about right in expressing it and thinking of it, how it’s like the thoughts and rigidity crumble perhaps bit by bit, small little hard grains crumbling away and then things around it being able to be soften and smoothed down) to realize even if I can’t do it as well as before, that is the point, to keep going so perhaps I can, rather than a defeatist attitude or basically that of an unreasonable child of just saying “but I want it now!” and accomplishing nothing. Part of me feels excited to perhaps engage in such things, another part is obviously frightened. With my job schedule as it is, it is already challenging things, so there is that, but I wonder what else… I don’t want time all day long to just go along into nothingness like so many other days, though at times when things feel a bit hopeless, the fact that things do still somehow go on despite how my feel can be a positive in a way.

Earlier this morning I was feeling very hopeless, yet it feels like rather than wallow in despair, God is slowly changing my heart from that. Even as I was going out to run, and picking a song on my iPod before I walked out the door, scrolled and was going to pick “Suicide Circus” by the Gazette, and was thought, no let’s not go there…. (Really the lyrics that burn in my mind from that song are “tick, tock, tock, tock, tock. Nobody can rewind time”) and instead scrolled to “Nyappy in the World” by Antic Café, feeling like even if I wasn’t feeling all that upbeat to try and change said mood instead. As Minister spoke on Sunday, he said how if we keep thinking to ourselves “Oh I am miserable, I am miserable, I am miserable. Can I be happy if I think like that? No I can’t.” and how that we should instead then think, “I am happy” or something to that effect, as it is not the situations that cause misery so much as but our mindsets and perceptions; where our hearts are.

In theory when I look at certain foods, objectively, it is like yeah sure, that looks fine, I could eat that, but if I actually consider it, the stimuli and all those judgments flood in with confusion; rather than simply accepting what is. Rather than believing my thoughts though, I should look at what actually is. People around me say to eat boldly, trust God, yet that is confusing when I don’t even know what that means or how…but I suppose He will show me the way if I do.

Fear of Responsibility, Obligation, anything in relation to other people depending on or expecting something…

As I am being dragged more and more towards having to be an adult…At 23 years old, I am realizing more and more how much the idea of any sort of obligation, expectation, standard feels suffocating to me. I think I knew this on some level before, but was able to skirt it off. In high school most notably, hated racing, I hated intervals, I hate having my splits called and knowing how fast I was or was not going, even more so if there was a target time to be at or under. With my own sorts of standards like that, I tend to go into some sort of denial about it, though recently have gotten better about it. Before I couldn’t look at the clock if I knew I was five, ten or fifteen minutes over what my routine used to “have to” be, down to the letter. Anything else was horrifyingly anxiety provoking. I got around it at some point by trying to block out the times, and now am able to look at the times, but I still feel the anxiety arise, and my body tense, as I cringe and look at the time, comparing it to what it “should” be, all the while knowing it doesn’t really have to be….In that sense also facing up to the reality in regards to numbers, to either accept it or make change based on the reality. Not knowing doesn’t change the reality of things.

Today I took my statistics class final and really do not think I passed the class. This is the third time; actually the previous two times I wouldn’t have actually considered it actually taking the classes…I didn’t go and couldn’t do any of the work I was so anxious, basically. This time I was actually able to participate much more, however that doesn’t seem like it was enough. The new rule in our district is only being allowed to take a class three times and then that is it, so I am not sure how this will go, or what to do next if I did not pass. With this, also, I have no summer classes, nor have I signed up for fall. I don’t understand the point in doing so honestly. I have no major and no aim as far as what I want to do. In all honesty, while I think I am going to school (am I even?) so I may get a degree and pursue a more fulfilling future/ job, career or what not, that also puts massive amounts of anxiety on me, to where I immediately want to pull away and disappear. The idea of having a position with responsibility is paralyzing to me. I can’t imagine doing anything that has any sort of responsibility. My immediate reaction is that I will fail. I am inexperienced in what ever field it may be. Logically starting out everyone is, but I fear making a mistake and failing others, and how it effects them. That bothers me so much. Even if others think it may or may not be a big deal, for some reason it horribly bothers me as if reflecting on me morally as a person….Of course my brain is going “Only evil continually, Genesis 6:5 what else do you expect? Do you think you are good?” Apparently some part of me must think I can still do something if it is afraid of failure. Or perhaps it doesn’t want to be revealed as a failure, as if that is the end all be all. Logically I know it is not, that failure is in a sense, how you grow and learn.

This episode of the Fairly Odd Parents from when I was in middle school came to mind just now..

I also have a new job now, but as such I almost want to give it up as well, the stress feels like too much, or like I may never get it and that they will fire me…Yet, don’t I feel like that in everything for the most part, especially new things? I don’t even know if there is a job I think I could do. Once under the supervision of others, no matter what I do I am suddenly afraid it is wrong…This has me think of when last Monday I was having fellowship with Minister and he was basically saying how if the word of God says we are righteous then we are righteous, but he started it with how it is natural, and asked me for instance, “1+1 is what?” and I answered two of course, but all of a sudden in my own mind I even doubted that in my ability to answer it correctly…Simply due to the fact I was responding to someone else…?

My new job is in a Japanese American take out place. I am technically a cashier, but it is not just ringing up food, but helping put together the dishes, bagging them and giving them to the customer. I have to get a “Food handlers” card or something like that soon as well. It is fast paced, which I like, but at once is anxiety provoking. My lack of ability to move quickly I fear will fail me. It’s ironic I run, but it’s like in everyday things I feel like my reflexes have slowed, not being able to do coordinated things too quickly, add to the fact this is something new, I take way to long, trying to get the exact right amount of rice in the carton, or box, scooping the French fries into the bag, etc….Then I have to remember all the plates and what goes with what, the ponzu, hot mustard, miso dressing, sweet chili, teriyaki and yakiniku sauces…. I feel like I am inept in able to even do this job. I feel like I should save them the trouble of hiring me (90 day probation period). It’s only been two weeks or so now. Part of me is like, “You will never get it, it’s impossible.” the other is like maybe you will…or maybe just wait for them to kick you out. The idea of this sort of thing being second nature is really odd though. Though I suppose my mind thinks learning anything new and being comfortable with it as very odd. That is generally what I like though; getting proficient enough with something, to where I am comfortable with it and it isn’t always causing massive anxiety, and can be perfunctory to a point…Probably not good in a sense in terms of growth, but in some ways I really just like the consistency…Perhaps it is that I like the idea of learning so much as it doesn’t directly effect anything else going on at the same time…? Like that makes sense…Not really. I like flow, how when I learn certain topics, it just goes and clicks. I don’t like the start and stop of other things and back tracking, pauses, going forward, erasing, back pedaling…So it sounds like I don’t like learning, aha. Yet my mind wants to say, “but I do like learning, but I don’t like being wrong.” Though I often tend to learn best through trying, I fear that, or fear making mistakes while trying.

So what am I going to do now? I have no idea. I really don’t even know how to search or look or think about it or decide. My brain is apparently slow on the uptake, being like, “oh I really am alive and apparently life still is somehow going on even though I can’t comprehend how or why exactly.” This fear of obligation, it really just makes me want to run away. I really can’t imagine being a functioning adult and managing things on my own. It has me think back to the I was a sophomore in high school when my ED first began and talking to my dietician, or rather she was talking. She mentioned something to the effect of perhaps I was afraid to grow up, take on responsibility, etc., but maybe by overcoming this, they could also help me deal with that. I don’t know how that would have actually gone, but in a structured sense I perhaps really would have benefitted. I feel like I am too old now to get any sort of help like that as people seem to think I should just be able to or something…but that is just my own though I suppose, which can be and more than likely is wrong in more than one sense. Thinking back to what that dietician says makes me wish I could go back, yet desiring such does not make it so. How I wish so much at times I could go back and do things over…and yet, fear it wouldn’t really be any different. Would my choices be? Would I have been able to go to college? Live in a dorm or apartment alone? That is in some sense, very frightening. Going to classes regularly, perhaps sports or the cross country team like a “normal” student? Again, very frightening, but at once I feel if I wasn’t stuck in such a comfortable(?) rut as I am, they would not be so frightening, or in the least I would not know this sick hole routine I positioned myself in to stay away from such things rather than deal with it. Perhaps that is the thing right there. I gave up such “normalcy” for this pseudo idea of being safe. Part of me would like to go out and be normal, another part reviles such ideas, thinking that is the stupidest thing ever, as if how I live now is some how above all that. I am pretty sure others would pity that, and the part that reviles such normalcy would want to scoff and say who cares what they think….So where do I actually stand on this? Confused. Indeed, when I am in class, albeit however shortly, or am sitting down studying, or at work, like a “normal” person, something inside of me really squirms at such ordinary-ness. Part of it feels like a haughty, “I am better than this” but that’s funny considering the crippling fear of responsibility, obligation, failure. It is though I can sense though because it thinks time is better spent obsessing over food, calories, exercise, movement, mental rituals, checking, rechecking, trying to be “sure”…As if that makes any sense. In my mind as I do it, it doesn’t feel nice, but at once it is what I have known for so long and on many levels does feel right, as if it is what I am indeed “supposed to do” am good at, can actually do and live up to…and by not am I ironically failing to meet said obligation and skirting responsibility? Aha. Perhaps it takes on that as well. I am not sure where this is going really, but…Well, there it is.

Regional service was at my [grandpa’s] house, and…

That didn’t feel nice… We had regional service/ Bible Study at my [Grandpa’s] house tonight. I already knew Grandpa wouldn’t like it, so I told him this morning. He was annoyed. Then he was annoyed I had to spend money to buy food for it.

Okay, that was kind of expected…What was not, was him well…Idk, his Alzheimer’s and dementia are getting worse. His behaviors more irrational and well, angry. He has a lot of the same theme about everyone. Basically he thinks everyone is dishonest and trying to cheat him. And apparently nobody has a conscience…because everything they do apparently bothers him and you know…Something.

Our dogs were outside and wanted to come in. He made it worse by standing there looking at them, which makes them just cry more like, “wtf won’t you let us in?” Which had him getting more angry, like “Wtf won’t these people get out of my house?”

He did at some point actually shout at them and say if they were going to stay or something to that effect. He also said “Bye” half joking before, as in “get out, it’s time for you to leave.” He tried to let the dogs in. I stopped him. I asked him why it bothered him so much. He said he wanted them out of his house. He says that about everyone though. It’s really sad when you think about it though. He excludes everyone and everything, yet that doesn’t make him happy…but apparently everything also makes him unhappy. Or so he thinks…

That’s the sad thing and his hang up on money. He’s saying how he has given me money, and basically hating the fact I spent it on food for the Bible Study. I’m thinking then, what does he expect to do with money? Keep it forever and not spend it? [Yes] Sigh…It’s sad to think he is this way and 80…Almost 81 years old. It’s sad because yes he has Alzheimer’s now, but he was like this before…it’s just more aggressive now in a sense…or perhaps showing more. It makes you wonder how miserable and unhappy his life is. I sometimes have wondered how he has lived all these years… I mean, I am 23, and he basically retired when I was in 1st grade. After that he’s had the same basic routine. Get up, shower, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, coffee, etc…Never went anywhere really, maybe fishing, and to the market….For years now. For most of my life. Repetitively, every single day almost without variation. Growing up, he wasn’t very nice or happy either. Him and my mom got in a fight to where they didn’t speak for years over how he treated my cousin that lived here at the time. My cousin actually had to move out because of how bad my grandpa treated him and my Grandma said it just wasn’t fair/ right for my cousin to live there and have to put up with that.

I wonder if at any point my grandpa really was happy in life? It’s kind of scary though when I look at it, when I ask myself how could he for so many years, basically since I was born have such a boring repetitive, isolated life and not hate existence? On the other hand…hasn’t he? Yet apparently when asked about suicide or wanting to hurt himself, he looked at the psychologist like they are crazy, saying something like “Why would I want to do that?” so apparently he values his life…just…It’s sad. At once, we don’t want to collide. I don’t want to clash with him, but not doing so leaves him as is…Yet clashing feels worse when it seems like no matter what one does, he will remain the same.

Yet afterwards he didn’t get as angry as I thought…Maybe it was because it was late and he was tired or…He realized he was being a jerk and actually showed it to them when he basically yelled at them to get out. He was criticizing them, “They have no conscience.” “They must be bad people if they have to pray that long” “They didn’t even apologize.”…. I don’t know, it’s like….It doesn’t even occur to him just…How people are? That not everything revolves around him? Yet again, I feel myself reflected in that as well… Just like the repetitive living for at least as long as I have been alive…I’ve lived like that for years and it felt unbearable…does still at times. I think about the runner man I see who is so compulsive and limps terribly, but I’ve seen since I was at least four years old and he is still going… I wonder if I could have ended up like that…Having endured so much pain and not being able to stop. Being like that would honestly frighten me. Or rather, I don’t know if I’d be able to endure so long…or want to. I’d probably rather want to die first….Yet I suppose this is God showing me that I could be like that if not for Him, so me receiving salvation is certainly mercy and grace, opening my eyes to these things which I could not see of myself…. So just like not wanting to clash with my grandpa in a way, because it feels hopeless…Just like God has clashed in intervened in my life…It may not feel “nice” but it is necessary to change.

…Which, by the way I have a new job as of this last Tuesday night/ Wednesday night, depending on how you look at it… Totally screws up my routine and things feel off and not “real”, but hey… Apparently it is…or isn’t. Whatever. I guess that is totally why I need to rely on God.