Today and quick recap of last Monday

I’m feeling pretty good physically today. It’s kind of funny. Or well yeah. And I don’t even feel to disturbed by this “good” feeling. Usually if my body has energy or feels…well relaxed? I then get anxious and it feels disturbing because I am so not used to it and tend to think it means I am gaining weight and getting fat[ter].

I’ve had a cold since pretty much all of last week, which explains in part why I was feeling so bad on Monday, and perhaps my more extreme reaction as to what occurred… I’ll get to that later. But I rode my bike a long while on Saturday and yesterday felt tired and was able to rest a bit I suppose thanks to having to be at church and sitting around and that hour or so taken trying to figure out what to do over lunch…in any case, yeah.


Today, it feels like I was able to be more relaxed and intuitive will food. In some sense I think it might be easier to feel okay/ not in pain and not sooo rigid when it comes to what I think I *have to* eat or *should* eat. Or not eat. If anything, it’s kind of like I am aware that what ever it is, I may or may not feel a certain way and in general, I will be eating again in a few hours, so it is okay, and I can handle whatever it is, or have before. Even if it isn’t pleasant psychologically, I can get through it and take it as it comes. It may not feel great, but it is what it is.

So today I was feeling a bit guilty, as has been getting to me lately. I’ve come back from New York three months ago now or so and still do not have a job and feel like my mind and body are actually feeling better to be able to do more. At once I know though that like when it comes to resting after exercise, I may want to or perhaps should wait even a bit longer after feeling okay, to give that hundred percent. In any case, I know I’m not one hundred percent, but in so many ways it feels like my anxiety has diminished, at least in terms of being all trapped in my body and tensing me up; at least that is what I was feeling this morning, but then was able to do even more stretching and shaking and whatever, to release muscles even more and get more in tune, so that was great. I wasn’t insanely anxious over lunch and able to make it more mindfully and not anxiously, worrying over time and then able to move on relatively as the anxiety tried to besiege me. I was able to walk to the library and get a book; more so, the one I wanted, in a sense for pleasure, rather than the more technical “talking at you” sort of book. I’m reading “Heavy” and interested in seeing where this is going… In any case, when I got home, I asked Gramm if she wanted to get ice cream. I’d been wanting it for a few days now honestly. Or like all last week. I think it’s gotten relatively safe. The first time was horrible actually, or really scary and imagining all the sugar in my body. Yet I realized it doesn’t work like that, or in the least now, that it is okay because again, I will eat again in a few hours and it is okay. I didn’t necessarily feel hungry before, and so it is irrational to think I will get hungry after eating that and/or want to eat  more because of it and binge, but rather just mindfully shift my mind elsewhere, away from the worrying about food constantly and worrying that I will binge and feel grossly full and keep eating despite that and feel sick and blah blah blah. I think it really was what my body needed. Often times I might drink a smoothie which has just as many calories, or more, but then less fat, more volume…probably a disordered amount of volume from just ice to make it bigger and less calorie dense because whole disordered scared of dense foods thing….but yet I logically know that fats can be more satiating and that my body might actually appreciate the break from a large volume of liquid, especially since I tend to just get really cold after it and always have to urinate. Probably not healthy actually. So I was able to go forward despite that disordered anxiety. It’s kind of funny that I am actually more afraid of things such as light ice cream, sugar free ice cream, non-fat frozen yogurt, frozen yogurt in general. It is actually because they tend to be of similar caloric value as the normal ice creams that have fat but replaced with sugar or sweeteners to some effect, but I have that whole anxiety of sugar being less satiating and feeling less calm (actually had experience with this too I believe), or even if eating the same amount, the caloric value is say 40 below, but then you might end up feeling like you need to eat something else because it was just straight sugar or whatever…so basically, normal ice cream in some sense is “safer” only up to a certain caloric value though. Factoring in the cone too. Actually eating ice cream out of a cup would be much scarier too I think. In a cone I think it lasts much longer and so it plays into that whole satiety thing and mindfulness in a way, versus eating it with a spoon,you could probably just like swallow it all and it’d be gone. At least that is my fear. But when I eat like that too, in some sense it is often driven by anxiety so that would not be positive either.

In any case, that probably sounds like horrible eating disordered ramblings, but I feel quite well right now and am trying to delight in it and then not over think it when the ED tries to go, “Wait…”

Even for dinner, I was able to have something and not be horribly distressed over it. I was able to eat half a salmon patty, cooked with some mixed stir fry vegetables, onion, and then tomato sauce and salsa (to make it spicy…red pepper flakes don’t agree with me, I think) and a red potato, along with half a pita bread and some hummus.


I don’t know, is it the combination of the foods and fats and rest and what not that is having me feel so good as well as this peace of mind? I mean of course it is constantly trying to make me anxious, but yeah.


That hum in the background…

Should I even bring up what happened on my birthday? Eh, can link to my Instagram but that feels a bit lazy. Quick run down, I suppose, getting to the distressing part more or less..

So on Monday, last Monday that is, it was my birthday. I was able to go to the dietician appointment I had and then from there drove home in time for my Dad to pick me up. I told him, I texted him, no cake or dessert of any kind. I though I communicated effectively, but apparently not. Or well, I thought that they’d probably mess it up some how but wasn’t sure how. We actually spoke relatively well in the car and then got to their house. I smelled something baking but tried not to worrying thinking well if one part is baked okay, whatever it was. But no, that was pretty much the whole dinner. Pot pie. Marie Callendar’s pot pie. And bread. A loaf of bread my Dad cut. I was trying not to panic, he served me a piece, and was like, okay, not too bad, but then that bread…and then I didn’t feel satisfied even though the ED was saying that was enough, more than enough calories already. I tried to get some more of the filling, the vegetables and the chicken (or was it turkey?) Until I felt satisfied, but already felt the uncomfortableness of knowing it was “too much” I drank water with it and tried to reassure myself it was fine. It was fine it was fine…It’s fine, nope. Went into the bathroom and just up and purged right there. Not all of it, but some. I didn’t want to throw off my body too much in terms of then getting all scared and confused if I were to get hungry or rather feel empty later and not know what to do/ feel distressed by that. I washed my face off and went back out and opened presents, tried to act pleasant. My Dad then took me home, and as we got off the freeway off ramp, I felt this disgusting, nauseating feeling almost over whelm me, in that way I have experience only once or twice before when I had nocturnal panic attacks that have had me jolt up in my sleep to vomit. I got home, said good night to him. I believe Gramm was there already and I already said how I hated everything. It is a weird feeling now in days how despite distress, at once I feel disconnected from it, or just…zoned out? I called my mom crying about it and not sure what to do. I messaged one of my friends about it and was just…out of it. I went to sleep and woke up still hating everything and with my weight up one pound hating everything even more, and feeling sick but not knowing if it was from the purging and messing up my sinuses and digestion or if I was just already getting sick, which it may have been both. Went through my normal routine and kind of finally calmed down a bit, two days later is when I normalized more or less…in any case yeah. Another birthday. The end.

Two things that occured and then having to figure our/and or reconcile things at some point

So there are a few things that have happened which I want to reflect on. I think these occurrences will help me when I do finally meet with a therapist (on December 1st) and am able to actually be able to work on things more concretely as far as going forward in figuring out what it is I want to do.  First off there was the occurrence which happened on Friday in going to Regional Service at Elder Larry’s house. Secondly there was what occurred today. I will probably also go on to talk about what happened on Monday/ my birthday, and how this week was just a blur in trying to recover from that.


To get to what occurred on Friday I actually have to back track a bit and go back to Thursday. Samonim called and had asked if I would go out to SMC where they were if I wanted to hang out. I was like uh no, I’ve never even been there. She thought I had because one of my friends goes there. Part of me wanted to laugh in that she perhaps thinks I could or can go out and do things like that. It also in part, I think shows me how she doesn’t understand the severity of the OCD/ED and that if I “really want to” I can do things. Which at times yes, and no. In any case she asked if I would come to regional. I told her: Here is the thing, you guys post where it is going to be that day usually, like within a few hours, which doesn’t give me enough time to wrap my mind around it and do the *necessary* freak out and letting my brain process it. She said, but you know it’ll be at someones house. I said no, proximity matters. Where matters, in not just distance persay, but…environment? In the least when I’ve been there before, being able to imagine the house and what not can help…or get anxious in some other way, but eh. In any case, so she got Minister to post it later that night I believe. I wasn’t sure how that was going to happen in going to Elder Larry’s, but the process in my brain began. Then my friend messaged me and I expressed my anxiety about it and about “how” I would be able to. I kind of tried to block it out all day but could feel it buzzing in the back so to speak, then a few hours before, the anxiety hit, feeling sick and nauseated to a point. I was anxious and scared, wanted to call my mom or samonim and tell her why I felt I couldn’t go, and how . I took a shower and in the shower, worrying about dinner, worrying about exercise and anxiety and how was I going to go. Food, but what if I just don’t eat dinner, but what if I do eat dinner but what if I don’t, then all the other times I do eat it means I never need it and am just fat and gross and *ahh* Wanted to call samonim and tell her I didn’t want to go that I felt like I was going only because she wanted me to go and I wasn’t going to get anything from it and felt sick anyways and then went in my room and fell on my bed and tried to just chill out for whatever reason. Not even quite sure how I was “allowed” to do that, but yeah. Calmed down and then it’s like the melt down subsided, made my dinner rather calmly, or relatively so and it was something that often causes anxiety despite being something somewhat safe…but scary? Like everything…? Eh, anyways, was able to eat it. I think part of that okayness was the fact that I recall eating it at prior times before going to Regional and feeling okay afterwards, much to my surprise. By okay I mean not bloated and full, but not…hungry. Or whatever that confusing feeling is which I think shouldn’t exist.  In any case then responding to some messages/ comments on Facebook and responding with one of Mark Freeman’s videos, watched this one myself again, on repeat, remembering what he’d said before about our brains always trying to come up with good reason, reasons that seem right or true as to why we should or shouldn’t do something, but go forward despite those things. I knew for instance even if there was that feeling of “I just think I am going because samonim wants me to” in reality it’s not because she just wants me to go that I should go as if saving face, but to go and her wanting me to go is so I can hear the word of God and hopefully gain strength from that. Nothing about any of the other stuff. Yeah, it might be nice to be around the others or whatever, but Word of God above all. In any case I was then able to get in my car and go. My GPS was working badly, but over all, got to where I was going…Which was not Elder Larry’s house at first. As I had planned, I went to the near by mall first near his house, early to calm down and walk around and get it out of my system. Early, but not early. As in Bible Study starts at 7:30, but that first hour or so is food/ eating and talking. I got to Elder’s house right as the actual reading of the Bible began. It was a bit arduous to find his house in the dark as I couldn’t see street signs, but got there none the less, though did have to back track a bit. I wasn’t able to focus very well honestly and by the end was getting anxious as to how long Minister was preaching, but yeah. Then when everyone was talking afterwards, Thomas said to me, “Man, you’ve got to keep eating” Now I know he meant this in a positive encouraging way but here is a key thing I have noted: When he said that my initial reaction was a very anxious eating disordered one. It is like I got scared and responded as such “Noooo….I don’t want to…I want to lose like twelve pounds.” Then of course(?) from there it went to an argument type of thing. Not quite arguing, but he reacted to the ED thought and as such, well so did I, I guess. All the while part of me was thinking, “Does he know that even though I said that I didn’t necessarily mean it in terms of action?” I think it is two part when I react like that. It was also like prior in the day too when noting how I wanted to call samonim and tell her why I couldn’t go (even though I did) yet knowing it was pointless because it would just cause more anxiety and cause her unneeded stress and reaction when I could just go anyways. I think I am starting to get it more now when Mark Freeman says don’t seek reassurance. It really doesn’t matter in that case and can just feed that anxiety…not quite sure how to describe that one, but yeah. Perhaps it is because by trying to reason with it, there is some then idea of reinforcing the idea it is valid enough to argue or that if you could just “Get” something you would have that “Aha” and move on, but that isn’t really the case. Anyways, when it went to what Thomas said, and my response, I realized how it would also come off as though I do not want to get better, but the second facet as to “why” I said it, is that I wanted to perhaps express that it was not in any way easy. That I wanted to get better, but I wanted to express that even if I did, it was still so anxiety provoking and scary. Also in some way perhaps it made the ED panic, like I was lying to it as if it were some person listening to me speak to him, and having to pretend in front of it like I had no desire to disobey it, or else have hell to pay for admitting otherwise. The truth is I want to recover, but well. Yeah. It’s scary and the ED makes me afraid about recovering “too fast” or thinking it is “too easy” and invalidating how hard it is, which is the sort of insecurity Thomas seemed to poke at. From there, I want to be mindful from here one when or if someone says something like that. I don’t want the ED to answer, or perhaps I don’t want to answer based on what it says or feeling like it is “listening” in on me. Next time, I could perhaps just express what I was or am really feeling in that…Well yeah, it is difficult, I am scared. The ED makes me feel like X but whatever, I still know I need to go forward…not sure exactly yet, but perhaps this is the first step in recognizing it. I want to recover but…yeah, I don’t know, confusing. Something seems to be in the way blocking my brain right now, however I think what that is will come up now in covering what happened today.


So I went to service like normal today, and finally it was in the English Chapel after what seems like quite a long time. In any case, it ran a little longer than normal, ending around 12:30. I was already (like always) worrying about food, or what I was going to do for lunch. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or going to do. Samonim said, why didn’t I just eat lunch. I felt stuck. The whole, “everything is wrong” I spoke to her a while, and then she went and got the food, even though I wanted to run away, but was confused as to what I was “supposed to do” she put the food down and it was a huge bowl of bibimbap. I was like, oh hell… I mean honestly, bibimbap is kind of safe…except not for that reason. Scary rice and then meat and vegetables which might make it deceivingly look healthy but possibly covered in oil. I wasn’t sure what to do, I was just going to leave but felt torn, then was going to call my mom, but hesitated and didn’t because I’ve gone that so many times and knew it would just make her angry “Why do you call me when you don’t listen and do what I say anyways?!” so yeah. Actually maybe I should have called my step dad…but anyways. I went into the office where samonim was since she had go help Young Samonim with something and was almost done. I told her how I felt/ how I was going to call my mom and cry over it, but knew that would be pointless. So then afterwards when she was done I was still stuck so went back to the table and she did admit it was a lot of food/ even too much for her. When we were in the office, she asked if it was too much and overwhelming. I was like, I don’t know/ yes. But honestly that totally killed my trust even more with the whole “Magic Plate” like thing when I feel like my perception of how much food is enough or too much or too little is screwed up. She got another bowl, put some for me, and the larger bowl for her. She was eating hers, and I just looked at mine and was saying how I wanted to talk about it kind of but didn’t want to cry in front of other people (apparently I do have that sort of shame/ self consciousness…..which even I find odd.) She said okay, just talk but it wasn’t like about anything in particular, it was just that food that was bothering me. It goes back to the whole, how am I supposed to do something or go forward in it when I think it is going to hurt me. Yoonjin came by and spoke to her and while that happened I was able to regroup a bit and hit a bit of calm. I had almost started crying over the bibimbap, lifting the fork and looking at the bean sprouts. It was so confusing, and over whelming. The food, the rice, the vegetables, the meat and then the ticking time which, the later it got and off my usual time, less likely I would be able to eat it, or at least so the OCD said. I tried to rationalize and remember, oh right, the point isn’t to stay so rigid, but to go forward and be able to do different things and do things at different times and be more flexible. I was like, okay, I can do it then BUT, but I don’t want to gain weight. Here is where things then clash. That food was scary. Unknown calories. How I’d feel after, I would probably be kicking myself after, full and hating the feeling and wondering then why I did that…upon reflection I could have possibly changed that perspective to a point based on those first few values of less rigidity in food and times, however that “DO not want to gain weight” was getting to me. That was, if I could get away with less calories, then why would I not? Being out of the house and away, there was no real “right” feeling at that moment and I knew what I would do if I didn’t eat this food and then how I might feel crappy after that too, but oh well. In any case, I never got to eating it. Samonim finished her food and then one other sister was there, and I was like “Want to take this for me?” She’s like, you don’t want it? I was like, of course not, and I saw Yoon-jin looking at me like she was shocked and/or astounded by my actions and behaviors, possibly because she may have heard or understood when I was half talking to myself with, “Now this is when I remember how I should have just put a plastic bag in my bag to hide the food and throw it out later.” I just got it and put it in the kitchen, and told samonim, but was still feeling kind of guilty. She then was going to ask me to go with one of the other sisters somewhere. Sam didn’t have a partner either and was going to have the three of us go, but I had no intention in going and then was like, “let’s see, I’ll be miserable either way so…Okay, bye.” And left out the upper gate and went and bought a safe light drink from Starbucks with the last of my money on my Gold Card. It was later than normal, which kind of bothered me but tried to block out, and then walked around like normal. So I realized more concretely and even told samonim, I did want to be less rigid and more able to be free to do different things, but didn’t want to gain weight. That was the big thing. She then said, “To tell you the truth you still have to gain weight” That statement possibly got warped in my mind in two ways. For one, when prefacing it with something like “to tell you the truth” or “honestly” it then makes me wonder or doubt what you or others may be saying all the other times in terms of honesty then. Secondly, then by that wording it sounds like by looking at me one would not think that I need to gain weight by looking at me. Which feels horrible when I think about it. Or the ED does. Kind of like when Thomas made his comment on Friday night, but when I told him I wanted to lose twelve pounds, he said, “You need to gain more like twenty”. So it was in a way a reassurance seeking behavior.


In any case, that is where I stand now. I wonder how others have been able to reconcile this. There is probably something blatantly obvious I can’t see. Samonim said it was because I believe my brain, which has a diease and believe my diseased perception. I was like yeah I can see that, but at once. No. She also said if I could actually see I was underweight and/or believe it I would want to gain weight. That I was like, eh no…..probably not. It might be more like, “YAY.” From the ED anyways…or well something. I could see I was lower in weight at 71, and that is why it is scarier now as I am up in weight and don’t feel like I have a safe buffer of protection from the scary changes. It feels like I’d need to lose again, just to be able to try different scary things and possibly gain that back…but then it’s ridiculous in then feeling that it’s okay to do them if they “hurt me”/ have me gain weight, but it is only okay at that low weight? Something. Perhaps it is to say that weight gain is only pain after a certain point, or perhaps I can see the advantage, but right now not so much. I don’t know it’s weird. Right now I feel like I didn’t have nor do have body dysmorphia at all but know on some level something is skewed. I think. Maybe. Okay, that was long, I’ll recount my birthday some other time… Until then… Having to come to terms or figure out what I want to go forward in. You know that whole being alienated and/or feeling left out because of ones ED? I think I get that now. I didn’t before because well, I wasn’t around anyone to be alienated or feel that around but yeah. Even Thomas told me it makes others uncomfortable and I don’t know if it is just my mind but I very much felt that today and have for a while in terms of talking to samonim and even, or especially minister for a while now. I feel distant or like people are nervous around me not sure what to say…? Something like that. I just pray God will then show me the way forward.

Decisions, Decisions: Medication

Hmm, so I saw a psychiatrist today. I know they deal with medication in general even though I have/ had no intention in going on any. The intake director, or whatever they are of the ED unit have me the appointment, saying the psychiatrist could at least have more insight on my labs/ blood tests than a regular doctor and that it was my choice if I wanted to go on medication; even though I had stated I didn’t want to go on medication…But the whole conversation today was more or less on medication and why or why not it would be beneficial. A small overview of my labs and other possible higher levels of care.

Here is the thing, I don’t want to go on medication, but I wonder if that is the general recoil and grimace of people not wanting to go on medication and scrunching their noses at it because of preconceived notions, particularly of that in the realm of mental health. This over exaggerated tone in which people think they are just “happy pills”, making people high all the time, or zoning them out to be mindless zombies, giving kids Ritalin or some other drug to be more compliant, etc. I have those sorts of judgments glaring at my back in some ways it feels. Whether it is true or not, I feel like I can’t have medication because of how my church would feel, or should I say, the people in the church; I’d automatically feel a heated condemnation and judgment. I hesitate to even ask samonim her perspective on it, because by now I can imagine a “Does it even matter what I say, you never listen? Are you actually going to do what I say.” However when I think about it now, if that is the response as I have heard prior, I want to make it clear that I am not asking so I can blindly follow any one, but so that I can get varying opinions, perspective, and make a choice based off of that. I want to be lead by God in this sense (or every?) and not fall to other humans’ desires. Or *my own in that instance. (Satan/ anything humanistic not of the Spirit)

The psychiatrist did make a very good point in what she was saying, but I admit I am just scared as to possible negative side effects that may occur. Our talk was much more in depth than I thought it would be to some degree when I explained my history a bit, and I believe she was looking at my records and notes from the past few appointments in that department. She seemed to have real empathy for me in saying it didn’t have to be this hard, but that perhaps in some ways I didn’t know how hard it was because I have acclimated in some sense; again, I can see her point, as it is quite true and in some sense I find it very disturbing to feel okay. I am in some ways very numb to my own distress. I recalled how when I was in high school, the first year of my ED or so, the distress felt unbearable and I was practically begging for drugs to take the anxiety away, or at least the edge off. At that time I didn’t actually get anything and as such…well perhaps beyond that, in any case, here we are.

She said that the best case would be to have an ERP/ therapy, etc. plan in combination with medication. She said it came off as though I felt I had to be in this pain and suffering or whatever it is, to over come this. I agreed, on some level it feels like I have to feel this distress and if somehow by overcoming this without that distress, as though I am missing out on something. She countered by saying that if I took the medication it wouldn’t be that at all, I wouldn’t be missing out on something and that by taking it, I may progress more quickly. She said not to listen to the OCD in this case. When she said that it was odd. I almost never see myself systonic with OCD as far as I can tell. However in some sense I get what she is saying, though it comes off ED wise. How if I am to progress more quickly, it feels horrible, that it some how wasn’t “hard enough” that it didn’t gets to stay around as long as it wanted to, how could you do that? You could have had it better? You could have had some sort of long drawn out romanticized love affair like relationship with your disorder that was more like that of someone escaping an abusive brain washing lover…? Wow, okay yes, that is distorted. I am afraid to let it go so quickly. It is afraid for me to let it go quickly. Or at all. Perhaps in delay, hoping it will never happen at all. I stated I was afraid, and that is the disorder making me uncomfortable, but for what reason might I agree with it in this sense? What would then need to shift and change for it to be other wise? The unknown is scary. The unknown can also be exciting. I also feel negated quite a bit. She pointed that out. When I told her all the times when I was younger and discounted, every time I tried to make a point of how severe and distressing something may be, how it wasn’t taken seriously, and now here she was on some level trying to convince me that. I was indeed true. I was reiterating to her what on some level I have felt has been thrown at me over and over again, brainwashed until on some level I believed it, “You’re okay, you’re fine, just get over it.” When she mentioned higher levels of care I said how I was looking for a job, but she wondered if I could function in a job. I mentioned how it was through the department of rehabilitation so there would possibly be more flexibility, though I wasn’t sure and how they would work with my therapist or whom ever to figure things out, and that is when she again mentioned the, would I be able to function? Frankly right now I am not so sure. I can *function* but I can’t function. That is I can in some sense, but it often feels horrible…or draining…exhausting, a hamster wheel of going no where…or perhaps like a car stuck in sand spinning its wheels. Having to stay in constant motion just to stay afloat, but not necessarily progressing. Maybe getting a micrometer or two forward, but at what expense and exhaustion before one can only give up?

As such, that has me reminded to look up those medications which she said she would recommend. She said call at any time within this month to have her write the prescriptions for me. Ha, also another amusing thing, when the OCD group I was recommended to was mentioned. That is, if I would go or not. I was like, ahaha yeah, well this is ironic, “Hi yeah, I can’t go to your OCD group because it screws with my OCD schedule.” Luckily I do have an individual therapist appointment coming up, albeit on the first of December, who this psychiatrist stated was really good when it came to anxiety. At any rate, I have quite a bit to ponder in a way. I feel on some level my mind may need to subconsciously process it, but I will also look up said medications online. Perhaps I will get to that now. Oh and then do this, which I am so grateful to be a part of as well.

Today and some other random flow of consciousness like things

So I went to church to help with cooking since it was our turn (every three months). and then it got to be dinner time. I was dreading it, but samonim made me a plate. I went to go get my jacket out of my car, everyone was sitting already, the other sisters, etc. I was way on the end and they were looking the other way mostly, and talking. I ate the salad, the broccoli, the kim chi…of course, aha. The soup and whatever was in it minus some weird looking pieces of…I don’t know what it was honestly. About three small bits of rice and maybe two pieces of pasta salad. Left the plain carbs on my plate as they looked like/ felt like caloric bombs, even worse in that they were plain and wouldn’t seem to matter…? Except to make me feel anxious as hell about *unnecessary* calories.

They all stopped talking at some point, I saw samonim get up and pause for a second looking at my plate, but she kept going. I don’t know why, maybe she is just tired of bothering me over it when I won’t listen, and/or distressed by my distress like when I ate the jeon. Either way, she just moved on, while I was like, wtf do I do with this plate of carbs. I threw it in the trash while hoping no one else noticed. I hate wasting food, but at once that felt like much less a waste then eating it.

I feel like in some ways I am closing her heart to me (using church speak here I suppose) that when I/ the ED push her away, she is finally just backing off. Part of me feels so relieved, “Yes, she is finally giving up.” It feels so nice. To just be normal, not worry. Not rock the boat…yet that seems wrong…at once it isn’t her responsibility, so that is nice. After all, every single interaction shouldn’t have to be like that, if anything I think on some level she has realized how it just makes me want to run away. With her not being family and me not being underage, it is also a strange spot. She isn’t my mom, and even if she was…I don’t know.

It’s so odd though, because of this relief. That “Finally she gave up.” doesn’t even feel like the eating disorder. I mean some part of it is perhaps, but the other seems “real” or non-disordered, but perhaps for the reasons just mentioned. I don’t think it is that she just wants to leave me be to rot and die, but perhaps, stepped back realizing that the constant pestering of sorts doesn’t really work, just makes me close my heart in a way. Particularly after Wednesday when she asked where I was and I didn’t respond, despite her texts seeming to think I was going to show up despite me never having indicated such. Friday a different sister messaged me, which I imagined samonim asked her to do, but when I said I wasn’t going, and asked why, I wasn’t really pushed. However I did explain my reasoning, and while I am skeptical in a way, perhaps they did actually accept my heart in regards to it. I just feel so uneasy at once, when doing anything, because I feel like I am *supposed to* bend and be wrong always, yet at once not. As when Minister Hong told me to move into church when I first came back or so from New York. He tried to be stern, “Don’t say no” I was like, “no” “Don’t say no.” “No. Heh, no, I won’t say yes just because you tell me to.” or as my mom would say, I don’t conform to submissive Asian culture. That isn’t just Asian culture though, but people in general perhaps. We aren’t forced to do anything, but people might feel the pressure is too much, however we have to gain that resiliency to stand up for what we believe in logically, despite that pressure. Cognitive dissonance comes to mind…or that scene from the first episode of “Liar Game” in any case…

I have been mulling over how people often seem to be highly reactive in situations they are confronted with. How when it perhaps isn’t something they are used to, they have their own methods in which they think of how to deal with it based on previous experience with something similar; or if they don’t have any experience, then just going on as “normal” perhaps…? but then things generally not going as planned, despite my sort of sighs in like..well yeah. It is difficult when people do not quite understand. For instance in some ways while in some ways samonim does understand more than my family, in some ways she, and people at the church really do not. It is a bit of a split. She understands on a deeper level in some ways and we have the relationship with God, while my family, or particularly my mom and step dad have a different understand in the…expectation perhaps? My friend says he can not understand or relate, but in many ways he is still there for me and doesn’t “get it” but on some level knows how my mind works, so he can “get it” in that way and empathize and try to help, and of course with his understand and word of God, it can be of comfort. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. It is like on some level I agree with them, but at once don’t. I think if both were to meet, and meld, the understanding would be a good one perhaps… Actually my step dad has a pretty good grasp in some context, however his ability to grasp EDs is lacking, so I have to at times test my mental stamina because of how he is so rational or using things in context of OCD, when the ED is just…not so. Or just…ego-systonic and confusing. I am realizing now I may have to do things which I *know* are right for me, even when others do not agree. It is a weird sort of discernment. On the one hand that can be used in a positive way, and it could also be used in a negative way, such as everything though… The drive behind something is what is important. The prerogative. Yet, what decides what is a “good” reason then? As of themselves they are inherently that, within a sort of circular reasoning….but that is everything, within context of…everything. What is what, only depends on our perspective, what is added or subtracted to it, all the different angles…Again then, looking to a perspective beyond ours, that of God which can see all aspects. He knows. While I feel scared in wondering what I should be doing; as I know on some level I use my ability to “discern” or perhaps willfully do not, in that I chose that of the eating disorder. In that which feels good, but that which others might find disturbed…however again, choosing to care based on accepting others perceived notions or going on to that which you desire; which is most noble? At once, going on ones *own* desire, is that possible? After all, hence saying “The ED”, it is dragging me, but to the contrary, then going against is something else would then be dragging me? We do not live in a vacuum and as such doing anything is brain washing of sorts. Having opinions, existing, it interferes with everything around it, such as everything else does as well.

I have noticed recently how my OCD compulsion seems to be that of apology. Not to God, but to other, to whom ever is around me, even within my own mind, being annoyed by my own existence which seems to only be a bother for those in contact with me. However, it is at once questioning then why their being bothers and not mind matters? Their existences cause other reactions from one person, thing, etc. to another, yet I feel it is some how okay for others but not me? This is where the dark thoughts of existence come into play, wondering why we exist, as others only cause strife unto others. However, it is perhaps not *only* strife though, that is, other perceived pleasant interactions occur apparently. As such, that is what people try to strive for, correct? Why am I rambling on this subject anyways…

I feel tired and confused.

Gramm said something to me earlier which has me thinking, but I don’t quite get.

She asked me if I noticed how I changed since I came back from New York. I asked in what way.
She said I was more…what was the word? I can’t recall exactly, but that I didn’t have much life in me or something to that effect. She did say it was like I just moved; but like a zombie. She did use the word zombie. I am sure on some level the ED has effected my cognitive abilities and slowed me down. In fact, on the plane back from New York to LA, I took a picture of myself, and remember being shocked in a way. My stare was so vacant and dead. I could see it at that moment, even though I didn’t particularly *feel* that way. Maybe it is in the same sort of air now. I don’t feel it, nor do I see it though. I can sense the sort of blank stare I give out at times though. I also think though, it is on some level, my lessening of anxiety, rather than being horrifyingly animated and yet frozen, being a bit blank. It’s not anxious…but it’s not happy. I try to just remain calm and neutral, which perhaps comes off as “zombie.” I quite prefer it to horribly anxious wanting to die though.


The weather has changed here…or well, for this week anyways, apparently it is going to go back up to the 80s by the weekend…but in any case, this cold has brought about some scary feelings of sort. I realize that I am very sensitive to temperatures right now. Prior it was the opposite, I was numb to it in a way, so scared and anxious, that what I felt was well…just anxiety, so cold or how didn’t really matter because I *had to* do what I *had to do* regardless.

I also probably hadn’t damaged my body as much as I have now. I am older now and I suppose it is all cumulative, regardless of what my weight is.

I imagine samonim being like, “See if you had more weight then…”

and my response would be something like, no that doesn’t makes any sense. My body just doesn’t seem to be working right. It’s not a lack of fat or anything because i am fat everywhere. I have plenty of insulation.

Actually I think that is true, what is off in my body is thermoregulation. When it is hot, my body seemed to be freaking out too, as it couldn’t cool down. Just earlier this week, with Young and Kristi samonim we went into McDonald’s and they thought it was cold in there. It was cold, but my body was still on fire, and tingling with heat from outside, or so I realized. So in some ways the very cold felt good, but it was like my body was

In this cold right now, simply going out to it, despite wearing a jacket, makes it feel like it has penetrated me to the core. It is that internal bone chilling cold. At once, though when I try to warm up then sometimes it feels uncomfortably warm. Sigh. Oh well.

On the topic of cold though, it seems to bring a scared feeling and tenseness to my body. I don’t think it is one that is normal/ natural either. That is, perhaps due to associations with such cold. I wouldn’t want to misappropriate PTSD, but it is something like that, in a trigger. Whenever I feel that bone chilling cold, I reticient thoughts of back in high school. When I lived with my mom, when my ED first started, when I was at my lowest weights, and in the winter, where over there at about 4000 feet elevation, it does indeed snow and get quite cold. It is also very windy there, which doesn’t help..Cold, windy, dry. That arid wind chill…

I remember one time in particular, being so cold….perhaps the coldest i have ever been. In the least, most traumatizing, because in a sense I felt confused and powerless. I’ve been extremely cold other times, like when running through the rain and so cold that I couldn’t open the door to get in the house because my hands were numb. How when I managed to by using my wrists, jumping into the shower with all of my clothes on to try to warm up. I turned on the water and couldn’t feel if it was hot or cold. I was confused. I was so cold. I turned it up higher, nothing. I wondered if how water was even coming out. I put it on just hot. I could feels something. Maybe. I don’t remember how long it took, but I remember getting out after, still frozen inside, figuring I’d just have to wait it out. Yet that time in Arizona, with my mom’s friends. Technically our neighbors (you know, there that being like within a mile and a half or something) whom at that time i believe were watching me/ I had to go along with them as my mom was out of town. One of the daughters had to feed the horses before we went out, and so I had to stand out there with her. I do not recall the event, but I was wearing a dress and a very light jacket (was it even a jacket) I remember my whole body trembling, legs quivering and arms aching. My whole body aching, wanting to give in, but at once when it did, could do nothing. That urge to run away from that icy chill, breathing feeling scary, wondering how this could be happening. Saying to myself at once, I had no choice. I was confused too, much like I get now in a way because it seems I should not be feeling this way; so then I don’t…but I do. As I said earlier, I am used to being more or less numb to the weather, but on some level that is incorrect. I feel it…but I don’t. When that anxious, and perhaps more physically well, or in the least larger it is easier to block out, or just more confused in a way…

It probably wouldn’t have been a big deal to say I am cold, I need to go in, I need to get out of here, but at once it felt ridiculous. Many times such as now. It feels like it is an over reaction. At once it makes me feel like crying though. Is it that i feel so cold, or is it that my reaction in intensity is incorrect? It is a scary feeling.

What else do I recall? When I lived there, every morning, waking up so cold. Warm in my blanket perhaps, but the air right outside it was icy. My mom always kept, or should I say still does keep the thermostat low. I believe at 63? At those times I had a space heater. One of those tower ones. I would prepare myself and jump from my bed to right in front of the heater, wanting to absorb it’s warmth as I turned it on and then squatted in front of it for warmth, wishing i could just move about freely. Again, what is this? Legitimate or over reaction?


I recall the layers of clothes I wore, the warm shearling jacket my mom’s friend gave me. I wore that constantly. I can still recall the feeling of it on me, the fur, lining, puffiness, smell even. It was a bit uncomfortable, but at once, seemingly necessary. Leggings underneath pants. I remember when Raynaud’s disease seemed to first pop up. My feet would go from icy cold to inflamed and hot. Usually correlated with caloric restriction and/or psychological distress. I remember still walking miles in the icy chilled air. Same route pretty much every day. Sometimes more if I managed to have someone drive me home but leave me at the edge of the dirt road and not go all the way home. I could walk it.


How in the evenings, when the TV was on and pellet stove was on, running back and forth in my striped pink and red warm pajamas. I would pretend to play ball with my dog. That is, I would throw the ball for him, but run to get it with him. Then throw it to the other side and run again with him. I would do this all until about 8 PM. Then I was allowed to sit down. I don’t remember what time I started that though… I would do yoga, same routine every day, same video…The room would be cold, but soon warmed up by my movement. For that I knew I always just had to get through the first part…had to anyways.


In college I have one memory of being completely soaked in the rain and cold, was locked out of the locker room and unable to change, went to class soaked and ambivalent in a way. Looking back, while I was so cold, again, just confused as to what I was feeling or not, becuse it didn’t seem to make sense. I remember telling my dad and him seemingly being able to understand, “I know what you’re going through” likening it to something he experienced being in the back warehouse where he worked.


When I was in New  York a few month ago, again I experienced that cold. One short term missionary and I were sent out from the van, going from place to place asking for donations. I was well up for it, but then again, that rain, and that cold, it penetrated deep. I wasn’t able to warm up, it was scary, and in some ways felt unending. I however do have a memory of it dissipating as we were let off at another place and the rain had stopped, and were able to get some very warm coffee from a generous worker at a restaurant…perhaps he just heard the desperation in my voice, and/or God was merciful, but I saw the look in his eyes when he gave it to us, he seemed to really care and I was so grateful. It also ended up having sugar and cream (or milk) in it, which I found horrifying on some level, but that is a different story…

When we went to the Fun in the Son (not a typo) festival in the Bronx, and I had gotten that cold which almost seemed to kill me but be a blessing in disguise, how I was so cold and scared. We were outside and I just felt constantly chilled but numb. Again, just confused. Apparently no one else felt it, so as horrifying as it was, I felt it was wrong, so I went between distress and “oh well.” Multiple times. Over and over… As such when you can’t really escape something. One may try, but then you can’t, so you just…collapse. Being in the van while everyone else seemed fine and yet I shivered. While everyone slept, I was feeling so cold and scared. I tried to hug myself for warmth, in any way, but while it gave some relief, was just…futile. Again, what is this? I don’t know. It was real but at once…what is this? I don’t know. My ability to process such things is strange…or inability perhaps.


Hot, cold, pain, comfort, taste, smell….things like that, I am on some level noting I have a sort of deficit or in the least, disconnect. Not just those things but…something. Relational things? Empathy? In many ways just unable to think things through, as much as I can in certain things, some for which other might come more easily, I don’t have. What is this…? Asperger’s? I know my previous therapist stated that I might have that. It would make sense, yet I don’t want to self diagnose. I know that EDs can also cause such sort of behaviors, deficits, etc, yet looking back prior to being a child, some of those signs were there…not to such an extent though I think, but in any case….


Just letting out all of whatever this is and able to in some ways actually calm down that which has been eating at me. I perhaps should do this more often. In a way I wonder if it will help ease the OCD like thinking. I also wonder if it will help abate the panic attacks that feel like they will come on at any time now, in my sleep. I feel like in some ways I have avoided them through the fact that that nauseating stomach lurching, disgusting feeling associated with them, as well as the sort of strange synesthetic thoughts and feelings have been hitting me at times during the day. Not with a massive implosion like when asleep and a real panic, but a seeping of sorts. I don’t mind this, but in some ways wish it would all just hit at once to get over with…of course if that happened I wouldn’t be liking that either. This slow sort of seeping though only seems to lessen the pressure, not make it go away though. It doesn’t seem to seep out in the amount necessary to avoid a full on melt down, so in a way it just seems cruel. What then would be needed for it to come out more regularly and avoid a full on melt down? Is that even necessary?


Something. The end. Been sitting here too long/ at my limit now, okay then…Bye. OCD. Something.

Where is the line?

I wonder this in terms of challenging myself. It feels like things are exhausting and overwhelming, and then at certain times I feel guilty in not challenging myself enough, but at once, it is overwhelming. Perhaps that is why outside help is needed. Perhaps I just need to wade through this a bit more, until Thursday. Well and then probably some time after that. I have a two hour appointment with the ED department on Thursday, what will come of that I have no idea. Jeffrey M. Schwartz book is coming to mind again, as well as some other studies I’ve seen online though, in terms of SUDS (Subjective Units of Distress Scale) part of me feels like I *should* be horribly distressed all the time, and the other side is like:
spongebob ahaha no
Ahaha no.

In terms of food, and dealing with the distress and then also having something to do afterwards, to not worry about it, wanting to keep busy, but not being an ED compensation thing. Overtly. I say overtly, but it’s like because if I feel okay, it feels like something is wrong/ that the ED is quiet which must mean it is okay with it. Or is it I am just not giving it a voice to speak? Not really because when it’s loud I can’t shut it up. Or something. I want to try something different for dinner, and be scared leading up, but don’t want all that horrible distress after. Well, maybe that is where practice comes in. I hate staying home and sitting at home after I eat dinner and when it is something new. When I stay home it feels worse, I feel lazier, as if it isn’t “worth it” and that I being home means I am some how doing less and will get fatter, didn’t need the food, it makes no difference, it is only me, etc…At once I shouldn’t be doing it for others though, or outward validation? What is it I want? Aha, well. I don’t know. That vacillates doesn’t it. Or perhaps is both at once.

I guess this is what I need help with, making clearly defined goals.
I was almost debating canceling the ED appointment. Not wanting any of their help. That is, I don’t want to gain weight. I think my weight is fine here as it is. Or actually, would be desirable to lose at least ten more pounds. At least. Maybe. You know how that goes. I know how that goes. I almost seem to like the allure of it being out of my control within a spiral, because at least then it is just well, beyond my control. It feels scary and horrible but at once a relief.

Am I the only one whom feels that when such intense feelings emerge? Yesterday when driving back from Vegas, I was getting that “gross” feeling in my brain, with a knot in my stomach and feeling a bit like when your stomach feels sour and about to vomit up bile and acid. The feeling of tenseness at the base of my skull and throat tightening with that brittle dryness. The imagery of past panic attacks I’ve had in my sleep, of some sort of synesthetic synaptic fireworks I wouldn’t quite know how to describe. Dominos cascading, fireworks exploding, Synapses imploding, falling, cascading, a ripple effect of horror, surmounting with that of a mushroom cloud like realization and explosion, a gasp of horror like being drowned in water, gasping for breath, choking on water and air, horrified and confused, then the rewind button being hit and it starting all over again. A few times over.

Maybe since it played out in my mind during the day I was able to alleviate some of it and not have that occur at night. It was odd though. Imagining being challenged with certain food. Not being able to eat it, not knowing how and then like some nightmare it some how being in me and hearing myself and watching as I writhe in horror, screaming. Feeling it in my own body, playing out in my mind as I drove. Screaming,
“Oh my God, Oh my God. Kill me. Fucking kill me. I need to die. Fucking kill me. I can’t live like this. I don’t care if you say that this will make me stronger and things will get better. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live like this. You say things will get better and that it won’t be like this, but I don’t believe that, because life keeps moving. It isn’t a one time thing and then happily ever after.” Physically being unable to handle it and wanting to bash myself on anything within my proximity, beating myself with my own fists, wanting to tear out my own hair. People think that it is “only” an eating disorder? That they don’t get what is so bad? Albeit, they would probably be horrified by such behavior, over what it seems to be over, but would they think “only” an eating disorder?” Would they understand the extreme anxiety? Well probably not, yet would that make it any less real? No.

At once, reliving those sorts of moment in my mind, at once, some part of me wants to laugh. It is like laughing in the fact of very existence. Of the extremity of what humans can endure. As much as I would want to run away from such instances, there is some reveling and enjoyment of what is going on, as if thinking “Wow, this is life. I never thought this would happen to me.” Whatever it is, the fullness of it. Wanting to feel death, wanting relief of it. Being in pain, wanting to find relief of it.

That grey area is what is deafening as well. Humans, where ever we are perhaps, within our own minds are not satisfied. I wonder if someone in a drug induced haze ever tires of such a high? I went with my aunt and her boyfriend to a German pub last week. One thing that was interesting, was how, as much as the alcohol (I had a rum punch) made me feel good, it was at once uncomfortable. Obviously intoxication. With that, I didn’t want to go any further. It was a two for one and they gave me both at once. When my aunt and boyfriend ordered their food, I ordered a water, and then promptly another one. When her boyfriend asked if I wanted to eat anything, or offered part of his club sandwich, my response was that I was trying to make the alcohol wear off first. It was a euphoric like feeling, but at once, made me wary. I was able to drink that other rum punch after a while (actually prior to that water) as we’d been there for about two hours or more, and it had watered down. It didn’t hit me the way the first did, but just seemed to stay steady.

Even when intoxicated though, I didn’t not want to eat more. I was wary of my decisions. They had ordered a German pretzel which came with Guinness cheese sauce, stone ground mustard, and Guinness honey mustard. I wasn’t going to eat any, but when given a piece, I figured, okay, if I wasn’t going to order anything else, or was unsure in a way how it would go, but knew the alcohol would probably keep things calm. I ate it, with some anxiety, but with the alcohol mellowing it, with a “don’t worry this is all you’re having anyways, you know it. You feel satisfied and okay” another piece of pretzel, a small bit more taken, a little piece left. How many calories? I don’t know, but my mind was able to tap into that seemingly intuitive bit of “Nope, no more. Otherwise it’ll just be uncomfortable” and almost wanting to agonize, but as it peaked, that alcohol seemed to kick in with a “Ahaha, no. F*** it” and walk back down the mountain.

They went out to drink again, two days later, but I did not feel up to it. One a year seems to suffice for me so far, and I pray it stays that way.

At once though, I wonder, going back to that “Feeling good thing” or just living and feeling okay, what is that? I mean, what is that like to go on and just be?

I am afraid to write down what I might want to do.

I don’t know how to say it, or perhaps it just doesn’t want me to, so I will try best I can here:

I don’t want to want things because it will mean facing anxiety and maybe even more horrible feelings which I’d rather avoid. So I mean, what then is worth facing that for? What is there? What else might I want to do? I feel like it would be small things to do in the short term and at once long term goals, what I would strive for. Some scary things come to mind, but at once I just want to let them go as they seem horrible and stupid and embarrassing. However if someone else said they would want to do them, could I say that to them? I wouldn’t. I’d have to smile and nod and if anything say or think “Well that’s good for you.” but on one level be lost as to why one would want such things.

I may as well state them despite my mind for so long now wanting to avoid it and cringe, slamming the door on it. Or them.

Wanting to be able to celebrate my birthday at a party and have a piece of cake. At once not wanting the cake at all, but wanting simply the associations which go along with it. With the cake and ice cream. I want to be able to partake without partaking. Perhaps this is like when Mark Freeman said it is like saying one wants to go swimming, but doesn’t want to get wet. One is part of the other. I don’t want to have cake. I want to pretend like I did, and pretend to be able to eat it. I want to be able to put the fork to the cake and cake to my mouth and it disappear before it actually hits my mouth with the following then hit of feel good hormones in association with camaraderie and togetherness, with nothing to do with the cake what so ever. I know I never liked cake by itself as a kid anyways. It was always confusion and disappointment but trying to be happy because it was what you were “supposed to” do. So it was more with the togetherness thing anyways. I liked it with ice cream, as if to mask the texture, but it bothered me. As do many other foods and things which I now notice. Back then and for a while now I didn’t realize this was odd. I think on some level I just thought it was normal and didn’t realize it was anxiety, but thought for whatever reason maybe other people simply handled things better…? In a way I suppose that is true, but not in that they actually feel anxiety. I figured everyone must feel that bad way, but dealt with it better…? Or not. Who knows, maybe this is my mind just trying to make up things post hoc.

Some other scary things I’d want to be able to do, at once not? How about watch a movie comfortably? Not scared or shifting or worrying about food or thinking about food, wondering or thinking about how eating popcorn mixed with chocolate would be nice, but scary and horrifying and can’t do that because it would feel physically wrong, and too many calories and how would you eat after? What would the schedule be like after, you messed up everything! And so forth.

Really, just the idea of being like “That sounds good” and eating it and moving on, not worrying about it being too much, or too little. Generally too much, generally within a specific time frame, because then it messes with everything else. Too little is only a problem in that as much as my mind hates it, in knows logically, if it is too little, in reality, then waiting until the next allowed time will be hell, and trying to figure it out and match it up, provided too, that my mind will then be even more distresses saying I really shouldn’t need more, and maybe should even have less because if I didn’t need as much food earlier, then why would I now? And all sorts of confusing things. Much like when I eat new things, my mind is horrified, “What if I end up hungrier than normal? And want to eat more and do! And it’s horrible!” Of course horrible ED anxiety. Or OCD perhaps, worried and focused on routine. The ED actually seems to be fine with breaking and overcoming that anxiety for obvious reasons. Right now for instance it is 5 PM and now feel the anxiety trickling in, worrying about dinner. Wondering what would be “right” I don’t really have a “right” for right now. I have basically three safe meals, with a few variations on them. Breakfast, and then the other one which can be for lunch or dinner. So I had it for lunch and well…then yeah. In any case I am used to it I suppose. Eating, worrying, agonizing, waking up the next morning, starting over. My inclination is to say. Oh well, pick something in a frenzy of anxiety for dinner but get it over with and just bear through it.

On the other hand…
My mind wants to draw a blank right here.
What is the next step?
What would be a logically drawn meal?
I mean, technically what ever I generally pick even while anxious always fit with in certain parameters, calorically and macros, etc. And then I’ll be anxious over what ever it is. Perhaps that is the difference. Picking something, but going about it mindfully. Without worry, knowing it is fine no matter. What. That is kind of how I have been operating though…but perhaps my error is in that I am trying to not feel anxious. Whatever it is, it is true, it is all right, time will move on.

And now…Still not sure. Maybe. Have an idea. Doesn’t feel “real” or right though. Though by right I mean ED right. Calorically yes. Food choice wise, no. But then that is always too, isn’t it…even with my seeming “safe” food, though with those it is perhaps just a bit more predictable…of course yesterday with being in the car driving home, that was a good sort of text in flexibility.

I just have to remind myself again: Look at how things actually are and feel as opposed to how it is telling me things are. What is reality. That is what matters. Okay then. Well
Deep breath.

Away from home

Phew. I have been at my aunt’s house since Sunday afternoon. So, second full day here now, Tuesday coming to an end. I almost was not going to come, but Sunday morning, Grampa convinced me otherwise through his actions/ words. His Alzheimer’s and/or dementia has gotten worse. In fact, earlier last week I was writing out a blog post, but he interrupted me and did something really upsetting, at which I just fell on my bed, crying on the phone to my mom over it.

As she said, the thing is, he was not a very nice person to begin with, so when he does all of this stuff it seems it just even more of his personality. It’s not a “he’s sick”, or rather, it is a he is sick, he is losing his mind, he doesn’t know what he is saying, but at once…it seems like he does. It is all in some sense the same basic stuff he has said for years now, only more frequent…or constant. It’s so scary and stressful. I can’t stay in that house, or rather when I do, am constantly on edge. His being in the house, hearing him shuffle around and what not is anxiety provoking in being afraid he will just go off at any moment. Added to that, the dogs. He feeds them constantly, trying to give them dry dog food, canned dog food, french fries, ice cream, bread, rice…okay, basically anything he is eating. It is infuriating and makes the dogs sick. He does this constantly. That is what is so frustrating and makes me want to cry. He just doesn’t understand. I don’t want him giving my puppy that stuff but he doesn’t care, and/or doesn’t get it. He thinks it is fine. That is actually what spurred me to calling my mom and crying last week. I had to stop him from giving my puppy a bunch of food when I heard him open the dog food bin and heard the food hit the floor. I stopped him, he yelled at me, said leave him alone, called me a bastard and to get out of his house…the usual, etc. Sigh.

So I am here at my aunt’s house, having driven here on Sunday. Gramm was going to stay here originally, but i told her I would do it; that is since my aunt is out of town for a few days, be here at her house to keep an eye on my cousin in a way. He’s in high school so I don’t really have to do much, so much as just be here and make sure he doesn’t do anything he shouldn’t. Of course he is like six foot something and could probably just pick me up by the shoulders and lock me in a closet if he wanted to, so eh. He’s not the type of person to do that though. I think. Aha. Though honestly, we’ve always gotten along pretty well.

In any case, I was able to sleep really well the first night. I was actually surprised. It is like my body was all calmed and realized it didn’t need to be so on edge, not having to worry, realizing I could just do things without fear of being berated. I went on a walk and part way through my body felt all energized, but not in the usual anxious sense, more like in realizing I was/ am free and could just be free. Much like a child on the way to Disneyland.

My aunt and her boyfriend will already be back tomorrow night, however I can still stay until about…Saturday or Sunday perhaps. The last two days have gone pretty fast, but at once in some sense of course (?) the usual ED anxiety is still there with food, especially in some instances with the foods being different, as well as environment. Well. Yeah. I don’t know. I am of course(?) afraid of gaining weight. I am disturbed by whatever this is, feeling of wanting food, like my brain saying “I am hungry” but horrified by the feeling of being full and feeling bloated and sick. It feels like some sort of suppressed scream being muffled. Wanting to let out  the feelings but repression being over whelming. At once I wonder if it is repression, but what is this exactly…or in some sense, it is I suppose, or it could be, but in some way I am not conciously doing so or unaware of. Which again has me think of an odd internet experience earlier…yet well. I don’t know. It is just sad how some people that are trying to “help people”, can not take any sort of constructive criticism (which I don’t even think it was criticism) or points of view that may clash, taking it as some sort of personal attack. It’s scary in a way when people are trying to help though, but may be causing more harm, and or confusion than [humanistic] good. Oh well. Sigh.

Random tangent there…

I feel all of this has been welling up in me though, and being here I am trying to get everything out that has been welling. Get it out of my system, out of my body, let it feel relaxed and calm. Mental diarrhea of sorts. Wanting it to just all spew out.
What else? My car’s weather stipping is bothering me. It is basically coming off, but I don’t want to get it fixed yet, or well I do, but don’t want to spend the money on it. Or well, can’t or just don’t want to since I don’t have a job and don’t want to have less money, so yeah. With coming here to my aunts, I didn’t want to come either because of gas money, however I decided I would on Sunday when Grampa came into my room and went off. I decided it was worth it, but also simultaneously my aunt said she would pay for my gas money if I came and watched my cousin. I honestly just think she felt bad for me and offered that;  Gramm was up here and I had called her and told her. Once I got here though, Gramm said she would pay for it, but well. my aunt already took care of that, so oh well. Or well, Yay. Thank God, aha. I worry about money and without a job now I wonder on some level if it’s like my desire to spend money since I cannot has increased of if I simply notice it more now since I am aware I have no income. I am always wary and feel guilty in some sense when spending money, wondering if it is simply some other compulsive action. Wanting to buy and spend as a way to fill a hole, to feel “safe” and alleviate anxiety however temprorariy. Not having anything to do and wandering around and feeling like it would give me something to do. What is necessary or normal or well…not beyond bare necessity makes me feel weird and/or bad. I suppose just like food though, I don’t feel I should want. I don’t think I should want and yet when I do it feels like in some sense it goes beyond what is “normal” as well, in the context of perhaps overcompensation or like when the ED makes it want to go overboard in order to make it seem like no matter what it is pain and too much and should hence have nothing, but I would rather have a balance…Has me think of how I feel or notice my patterns in relation to food and how it feels it “should” be, however I will leave that to another post. This keyboard is not the smoothest to use and for some reason with that in mind, that topic doesn’t feel quite, “right”.

I am scared in some instance into food here, even though it’s been a few days. I had the displeasure of weighing myself this morning, however I either gained six to eight pounds in two days or my aunt’s scale is off, by the fact that it also wasn’t working when I stepped on it to begin with, had to pick it up and it somehow just turned on and read “error”. Sigh. I also want to say that my body has been feeling lacking in some aspects when it comes to food here, but I wonder how much of that is simply my own mind in feeling like it is lacking certain macros; particularly protein, and/or particularly milk. My aunt uses almost milk and well, that scares me with an excessive feeling of carbs, but oh well. I bought a small carton of milk earlier (two cups) so well, maybe I will have that. Or well, yeah, at some point I will. Earlier I had a latte with milk, which I think also helped. I also bought some tea, which is surprising, however it was seemingly enjoyable when I tried it despite me pretty much never liking tea, especially herbal, flowery teas.Well, I feel like my mind and body are a bit calmed now…

-Vent- Sad, Alzheimer’s…

This is just making me really f***ing sad. I don’t know why my Grandma just leaves me here with her husband. He is going f***ing insane and he is sick in the head, and I know that, but his words still hurt. it’s harder because it’s not like I can completely rationalize away “He is sick” because although he’d never said AS mean things to ME before, I’d heard him say all sorts of terrible things to my cousins, aunts, mom, etc….but now when she leaves me here and I have to interact and interfere with things he is doing that aren’t right, he is telling me to get the hell out of his house, get the hell out of his life. I just don’t want to be in this stressful environment anymore. It isn’t healthy to begin with and it just adds another layer of stress when already dealing with crappy mental health/ eating disorder. OCD. Besides trying to combat those things and all there rigid isolating rules, I also feel like I can’t move freely within this house because every move I make feels as though it will have the possibility of triggering him in some way. I feel like I can’t just “be” in this house, with a freeing expansive sort of spirit encompassing it all, being at home, but rather trying to keep it with a held breath, within my small room, as close to me as possible, away from him as if he can some how sense it, and need to stay away because it will just cause something terribly stressful.

I have to wonder how much of it he even remembers or understands. I know his mind is really getting worse now, but how much is he aware of…How much was he even aware of prior…. He doesn’t remember which of his children is which, which one is my mom, but once you say the names he can just (as Gramm would say) babble on and on about them and all of these things which he can list of and he seems to think makes them all horrible terrible people in which he makes himself more and more miserable as the black cloud of smoke suffocates those around him wanting to hold their breath. On some level I feel I need to just take a deep breath and realize that it won’t or does not have to effect me, as it is only what he perceives and I need to just some how wash it off, let it roll off me. What is that Beethoven quote again?
hate rebounds

Ah right…

Well, it’s sad. Again, what I told him; or said to him despite him hearing me comes to mind, with just being a “miserable ****”….

I just wish that my Grampa could not be a miserable ****.

At the same time do I want that for my own peace of mind or his? Mine. Of course. Like anyone else. That is if he were to be put somewhere else, in a home being taken care of, would I care? Well I would be glad in some sense. It would be nice if he could also not have such a miserable mind set; But that really only being in the sense that he won’t be able to change at 81 now. It seems impossible. From what my mom said, his sisters said he was always like that even when younger. Maybe it’s the whole thing of being the solitary male child who was also the youngest. Being spoiled and/or catered to and now knowing how to put up with things perhaps, like people at church talk about at times. If there is any hope it would be God somehow working, even if my Grampa is old now and closer to death. Oh well.

I’m in my room now after he told me to get the hell out of his life. What triggered that was he had already fed the dog, whom is obese, and my puppy is also getting really fat now. He didn’t need to give the dog that to begin with but I let it go. Then I heard the dog get up when I heard Grampa get food in the kitchen at which I then charged the dogs to get outside to the back yard. Grampa was holding another handful of dog food saying leave them alone “you bastard” as I corralled them outside while he said get the hell out of his house, get the hell out of his life. Recently he hadn’t been saying such things to me, mostly to Gramm, but as she isn’t here…Sigh. Deep inhale…and exhale. He followed them outside and I presume he gave them the food anyways. Of course when he said that I was like, “So you want me to leave you with Gramm?” Whom he always says to get the hell out of his house, “you bastard”. Of course as my mom says he in no way is actually thinking these things through but is pretty much just reactive. He would not be able to take care of himself; though on some level I think that he thinks he would manage somehow. Of course, that is the deception of mental illness is it not? Much like the eating disorder will tell me that things will be fine and I can go on with it; and things might seem like it, while they hurt but at once you are somehow numb to it or desensitized and confused in a way yourself that it doesn’t hurt but don’t really want to question it and kind of just hope it will keep going, but waiting for the ball to drop at any moment as well, but all the while just precariously on the edge.

Well there is my rant for now. I don’t know. It’s just sad and I felt like venting all of that. What a sad life; for my Grampa. It wasn’t effecting me so much before but now I think I know what Gramm means…and why she leaves and goes places to escape but at once this feels like an unfair burden, though I live within their house so…Yeah


Perhaps that is best how to explain how it feels when an OCD thought gets stuck on making something feel “right”. I am thinking back now to Jeffrey M. Schwartz book “Brain Lock” and recall him talking about some sort of mechanism in the brain which is faulty with OCD, hence the endless checking loop, which should be automatic, but with OCD it may be “rusty” and stuck, when likened to say a cars gear shifts, hence we have to learn how to shift manually and eventually as you shift over and over, it will get easier. Like grooves in the snow. Grooves in your brain. Literally. “Neurons that fire together wire together”. Hebb’s law and so fourth. Anyways.

That feeling of rightness, when things just feel fluid. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I often feel others often take this for granted in doing simple things. I don’t know for sure maybe others are also constrained within their own minds to a point without knowing it; or aren’t we all perhaps. Maybe just not to this extent I am discussing at this moment. My blog post from yesterday is a good illustrating point how moving, breathing, existing has gotten to the point of constriction for me it seems. I didn’t think it was “that bad” but I see how insidious it is actually. It goes down to the base. So with that really it makes sense at the same time. If your base is unfounded, shaky, faulty, then everything else from there on up will be faulty. As frustrating as it might be after having built up so much on a faulty base, it must all come down, to be rebuilt after first fortifying that bottom. Perhaps in that way, that is how I see my newest, or first actual real recovery venture. I mean I did try to recover prior. In a way. But I think that was just deluded in a way. I had no sense. so Maybe this is the first time much clearer. My third time. My base for going forward though is much more solid though, which makes all the difference, through God. Through Jesus. Previous times it was only my own thoughts, but from here on out I have the ability to become more, to over come through Him. What seemed like something terrible and destructive made way to be reborn. Perhaps just like with Jesus, first had to come the crucifixion and death for the ressurrcton to occur. In any case I don’t want to liken myself to Jesus in a weird haughty way, but it is symbolic of ourselves in a way. After all if I am born again, I have died and now it is not I who live, but Jesus in me. Of course by faith, then He will manifest in time. I needn’t worry when or how. I just need to know and believe that God is in control.

A bit of a tangent there, however on the topic of fluidity. It has me think again of say when someone plays a piano or plays any other instrument perhaps, when they do so for fun particularly. Sometimes when hitting the keys, by memory, you think of the song and without thinking about it consciously, the feeling is just “right” and one is able to add different emotion and feeling accordingly to ones own desire, despite the notes being the same. That is in a sense how it feels with OCD and trying to make things feel right. That “aha” satisfaction. Much also like typing on the keyboard once you know how to type. You don’t have to consciously wonder or worry how to type without looking at the keyboard, but focus on your words and how it feels “right” when as your fingers move, the letters appear correctly on the screen or what not. Much like when there is a typo at times, there is a cringe of it being wrong, as your fingers felt like a blip had occurred. Sometimes for me it is even when the typing feels “right” I have to override that because it will feel right and yet not hit the same key. Possibly when my mind is thinking to quickly though and it melds to words together, putting the first letter from the second word at the end of the first word. (Pause and think about that for a second if it makes sense) Aha.

Yeah. Well as for today, I am not sure what will be going on. I want to continue to work on my anxiety, my consciousness, my body and all its tension awareness. Habitual nuances I perhaps haven’t noticed yet whether it be physically and/or psychologically. I wonder how this day will go. In some ways I feel like I am worrying to much in how it will “feel” right, but at once I know I have ignored that for so long in the true sense. Feeling right for my body, mind, soul. Not in the mind bending OCD, ED way. At once I am aware there are certain things in which I am not yet ready to bend or feel scared of when doing things “because I can” despite the disorders. Food wise, time wise, but they will come. I can and will. Through God. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking I can myself. I don’t want to be arrogant in that way, yet we really only can. One thing I fear is that it is actually me trying my own method, but at once that is not the case. How could I ever do this? Deception. Deception everywhere. Yet I can only be deceived, so whatever the case I *merely* must have faith that as things are, God is allowing and in control. Maybe it is horrible and blah blah blah, *ED/OCD anxiety blown way out of proportion* or maybe it’s not, but either way I have to trust God is guiding it.

Oh and that is another weird horrible OCD anxiety I realize I have gotten now. It is likened to the horrible mind destroying obsession/ fear I had a few years back when someone commented here, whom I know and triggered a whole horrible nauseating terror; which at once may have been good anyways as it spurred me to finally look into how to defeat these obsessions more and found “Brain Lock” or was rather recommended it by someone on the OCDtribe chat room. For that I will forever be grateful, as well as Mark Freeman’s videos on OCD and mental health. It has all come together perfectly. In any case, what I realize right now is a mix of my scrupulosity and well, the same type of fear I had with that guy.

So right now in some ways I fear reading the Bible and/or going to church and hearing sermons because when Pastor Ahn told me I had to live in church; or should, then it made me feel, as I interpreted it; which is probably, or I hope apparently is wrong (from what others have told me but I am doubting it right now because well. OCD. I feel doubt. That doesn’t mean I need to worry of follow it…okay, calm. Deep breath) – is that I have to live in church otherwise my life will go to hell and I am going to hell for not listening to him and not really saved because I won’t do what he says which he or others seem to say as he is the servant of God I am some how supposed to blindly follow with no question and thoughts of my own even though I know he doesn’t have a full grasp of this. Perhaps like in accordance with going to New York. At once that wasn’t positive per say but at once God worked so who know. I feel then like I am supposed to move into to church and be horrified and miserable and somehow mind controlled and happy and miserable at once, while feeling trapped scared and suffocated, but wouldn’t be able to leave. Because somehow. Yeah, Mind block. OCD. Much like how prior the horrible obsession was that that guy, if I some how met him or saw him would some how kidnap me or brain wash me and convince me to be his wife and have his children and have a “happy” home, be happy, while simultaneously horrified and suffocated but not able to leave some how, because. Yeah. Again, mind block. OCD.

That was somehow resolved to a point, though with what I realize was my own method. Not Gods. Which probably would have been more openness. I mean while I understand how God led me to have the understand I have in the book Brain Lock, at once I didn’t seek him and it was still more or less resolved by passing time and him moving away. At once though perhaps that is how God worked. I don’t know. Well yes He did, He is in control of everything. In any case yeah, my mind will make it more or less complicated and confused but the real fact is I don’t know, we don’t know no one knows but only God and as such. Well yeah. Okay. I think the difference is this time that I want to explain this to samonim and minister Hong. That is prior, it was just something that seemed real and albeit a bit more confusing and well embarrassing if I were to admit this to him. Although I do recall I was able to confront him about how I was angry about what he did; after having read Jenni Schaefer’s book while walking around and somehow realizing I WAS angry and was able to express it to him and move on. I don’t believe that had stopped the perseveration and was still afraid and/or awkward when around him, but it did help I think. As well as things are probably just bound to be a bit awkward after that.

With this though, as it doesn’t involves sex, children, rape, or marriage, or a particular person; or actually it kind of does but I won’t in some ways be able to approach them anyways, as well as knowing what it is, and it not being as horrifying…? I will be able to speak to them. That is how my OCD has manifested in this was and it does make me afraid to see Pastor Ahn as if he had the power to cast me into hell and at the same time what I fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy, despite in not being true. I realize my mind will take things out of context when people seem to speak in black and white context, but really it wouldn’t be meant all around in that way. At the same time I don’t understand how or why people then speak like that; I had communicated this with Minister Hong and was such was glad when I noted how he seemed to change his tone in his sermons. I remember when he’d say “All” and then be like, “I should say all; some or most” which made me glad and took away that scary feeling which would overshadow me at times before; a previous sermon from Pastor Eddie a few years ago is actually what had put doubt in my mind before when he had said “All” as in “Everyone thinks they are saved before. But they’re not” And I was like, “but I didn’t think I was before” I clearly knew I wasn’t, or was unsure because I didn’t understand what it meant to believe in Jesus. When I came to this church though it was explained so clearly though and was able to get it, and believe it through Grace, which was an amazing moment. So when I opened my heart to Minister about that he said how Pastor Park could sometimes say things like “All” or “everyone” but it is talking in general, not necessarily meant for us, but perhaps for us to check ourselves; we can check, but if we know assuredly then well, it is no problem. He said it wouldn’t matter what he or anyone else said; He asked that if he said I wasn’t saved, what would I say and what would be true despite that; I am indeed saved? Why he asked, because the Bible says so. I am righteous. I am holy, I am perfect. I needn’t worry. I have all this anxiety, but in the end, it falls by the way side in front of the Word.

Well there is my ramble. I am kind of waiting for the natural stopping point of this to come but at once want to get up and check my phone which made a noise indicating a message and go on to see what else I should do. Part out of anxiety, part because, well writing at times feels like a waste of time. I have to ponder what is right though. Or if my not stopping is also fueled by anxiety because I am afraid I should keep going. So with anything recently perhaps there are both side of the coin. Has me think of the Pokémon “Wynaut”, and his speech, which echoes in my mind currently, “Why, why not?”


Why, why not… Well that is my freedom to choose in a way. Though which ever way I go, perhaps only having faith in which ever is chosen, there is assurance God is there to protect. Me. When the ED says the food is wrong, for either way, I think, it’s okay drink the poison and not die right? Or that what is not of faith is sin, but whatever I do, I know that Jesus has already washed me white as snow and I can go forward boldly. I didn’t understand that quote of Martin Luther’s before saying to “sin boldy” which felt horribly wrong, at once though I think I get the sentiment a bit better. Now I can only do wrong, but through Jesus it is all made right. So it may seem scary and horrible at times, but deep breath. Know you’re not really in control and really can’t be in a way, so take things as they are not how your brain wants you to perceive them and know it is already finished.


I’ve been thinking about certain things. In particular with Ira Sacker’s book on my mind, about having an identity outside of one eating disorder. For me that is quite difficult, but he does quite poignantly make sense in some way. I have had psychodynamic therapy, “talk” therapy before and it always felt pointless. Maybe on some level the people were trying to take this approach, but I always ended talking about eating disordered, OCD type obsession. Of course I didn’t really have much else to say. Whenever it is a new person, it could be the same sort of anxious ramble. It may have felt good to get out in the moment, but I don’t think it really helped. Reminds me of when I see how my Grampa talks about the same negative things over and over and over; from things that happened say ten to fifty years ago. In any rate, the idea of cultivating an “identity” outside of the disorders seems intriguing. That book in combination with rereading Harriet Brown’s book, “Brave Girl Eating” comes to mind.
Brave Girl Eating Quote

Also, watching this video of Elliot Hulse’s.

I have been wondering what I like outside of my disorder. Right now it is quite blurry. Beyond just interests though, today I felt this awesome sort of freedom in choice. That is, or it is something I am not sure how much others can relate to. Part of me feels like others may not realize that they may be the same in a certain way so it may sound odd.

Prior I don’t think I was ever so aware of how much anxiety is built up in my body. Just being. Actually this morning, at some point I was extremely agitated, compounded by Grampa just being…Yeah. So then I was able to watch the above video among a few others and was stretching, and just able to also compound it with my growing consciousness as move, about how rigid I am. That is, so much as small moves, or how I am postured at any time perhaps, my mind is tense, already judging. If I am in a certain stance leaning and it is uncomfortable I have been able to realize; wait I CAN shift. I don’t have to sit like that. I have an ache in my head, I CAN move. That thing right there on the desk is bothering me, wait, I can just move it, I can take a deep breath. I don’t have to breath shallow. Before it was a kind of ache and sigh within myself, half a breathe, unfulfilled and tight, constrained feeling I wouldn’t be able to or it wasn’t “worth it” some how. In some sense it seems very lazy. On another level it shows how pathetically worthless or hopeless in some sense my brain feels. Going back to thinking of Ira Sacker’s book and talking about perfectionism and how at some point some may not want to even try, paralyzed by fear. Going on to Elliot Hulse’s video, talking about the “trauma” and anxiety which is just built up in my body. All existence really, all the worry compounded. It is like an immediate sort of “freeze” response to whatever comes in a way. A lot of the times it feels like that is very much what is happening, especially when he talks about hitting the break and accelerator at once. I am not sure how much all of this is able to be well explained in words, but it felt really freeing. I was able to go out in the back yard; because I wanted to. For whatever reason I wanted to go out in the sun light. I wanted to go out and then clean the yard; because I could. I would clean the dog poop. I opened the can and I usually lean the lid on the side of it with a cringe and tenseness in my head; because it blocks it from a certain angle; then I realized; wait, I don’t HAVE to do that. I can lean it somewhere else. Against the wall! Who would have thought? “You can’t.” Why? Yeah, my mind is that rigid. I leaned it against the wall. That was freeing. I was able to pick it up. Even which way I go when I pick up the dog poop (this sounds so odd) I want to go there first; you can’t, wait yes I can. Why not? Because I can. This is freeing. I want to pick up the lemons on the ground which, forever reason, still green, Grampa cut them all off.

I go to pick up a few lemons. Say four, there is a fifth in which my mind says, “you can’t pick that one up” cringe and tenseness in my head. Wait, yes I can. *picks up all five* I go on as such with all the others. I move on deciding I want to clean up all the leaves and branches. I had actually raked some of the farther off ones as well and even that with the same sort of thinking. It is enlivening. I take the rake and realize that with the branches I won’t be able to use the rake/ it’s be easier to pick them up first and then get the leaves. Cringe and tenseness in my head; I have to move the rake all the way over there first and then come back here and then get it; movements which just feel over whelming; wait no I don’t. I can leave it right here if I want. There is a ladder. I can lean it here. No you can. Yes I can, why not? I put it on the side. Wow, who would have thought.

I get the pile of branches, with both hands, grab them and then; Ow! A thorn pricks me. My mind wants to berate me as if to say, see you’re an idiot. While instead I take it in stride; Wow, before I wouldn’t have even taken that chance to be able to be pricked, but I did and now I am fine and able to move on. It doesn’t worry me. Yay! I move on and rake up some more. Again, I have to put the rake against the ladder for some reason; I’ve learned that much now, but wait; I “have to” put it in the exact same spot, Wait, no I don’t. Here let me put it on the other side; BECAUSE I CAN. With this it feels liberating again with at once the seeming bizarreness in how much my mind is rigidly controlled like this. Or was. I continue to pick up. So much as a leaf on the ground which I would have left, my mind says I am a failure and cringes and tenses at the leaving of it, which I think, “no wait, I don’t HAVE to leave it” I can pick it up and do. Because I can. Another random leaf. Because I can, because it won’t in any way signify that I am a failure whether I do leave it or not. I leave some on the ground anyways. I don’t need to pick it all up. I pick up what I feel like, leaving it reasonably more picked up than prior. I feel envigorated with sweat as well. I realized also at some point it was the first time I had been in the sun and heat without my body feeling unwell like it is sick and sensitive to the weather. This is enlivening. I go back in. It is about time to make lunch. I had been worrying all part of the way through the picking up of the leaves about wanting to go out to a park and eat lunch. BECAUSE I can. Yet decide it wouldn’t really be best, because of the sun and heat, though for whatever reason today, the sun is inviting versus glaring to a point, however the heat it radiates is a bit too much to be comfortable, even if I were in the shade perhaps. I make my lunch, I try to calm down. Working on such small movements just like before. I make it, whatever, I decide though I don’t want to sit in my room because it feels so dark and enclosed for whatever reason. I sit at Gramm’s desk in the living room in the swivel chair first facing the kitchen; because I can, then when I feel like turning around; because I can, go the other way and am able to get up and find the TV remote, at which it is under a pillow on the reclining chair as is a crumpled napkin. I half sigh, again, tension in my head, thinking it will have to stay there, then realize; no it doesn’t, I can move it, it doesn’t have to stay there. I pick up the pillow again and grab it, going on with what I was doing. This feels so enlivening.

I always wonder how other people do things like this; or is it, that these things are natural. I think this in part is what makes it so difficult for me to understand feelings. To understand happiness and pain. When I feel physical discomfort I think it takes a while for me to register or to know what is actually “bad enough” to warrant pain. Or if it is pain or what is it, is it real, etc. Also concreted with Mark Freeman’s video in talking about how regardless of if a thought seems real; or rather, they are all “real” they are thoughts we are dealing with, and maybe whatever the fear is that you are afraid will happen may actually happen, but that doesn’t make the compulsion that you are feeling the urge to do is healthy or what is best for you. So you need to do what is healthy for you in that moment, for your long term health and happiness. I was actually quite surprised earlier when I was driving home and suddenly felt a pain in my wrist. I jolted it up pretty quickly. I had it leaning against what I believe was the zipper handle on my bag. I wondered how long I’d been like that to warrant finally feeling it or if before I just wouldn’t have noticed. I noted like when I was eating lunch, how my right foot was tense and I was pressing into it hard. I realized I didn’t have to, that that wasn’t just “normal” or how it “should be” simply because it was , etc. and was able to let go of that pressure.

This morning I was reminding myself, “Today does not have to be the same as yesterday. Not everything needs to be the same. Just because it is different does not mean it is bad. This is not a tea ceremony.” In which then the random thought of; Hmm, tea ceremony, maybe that’d be something I’d be good at; Oh wait, but it’s so sedentary and slow, oh my god no. – random tangent –

In any case that is what has gone though today.

I never understood before how people spoke of recovery as a journey, but as I’ve been back, in many ways I really understand now. At times I feel impatient, like I am not doing anything, but I really believe God has given me this time to truly have psychological exploration and growth. Much more self awareness and mindfulness in ways I never have. It really does feel like things are clicking, though at once things may feel weird and scary and “horrible” at once unraveling that and wondering why, questioning it, etc.

I have more to speak about but at once I feel a certain compulsion. That is part of me says I am being a bit too hyper active, but at once am not able or sure how to stop; or that is if I want to. Like Mark Freeman has said before, that unless you resolve the underlying belief behind a certain compulsion than of course you will basically relapse; it makes sense because if you are not doing a compulsion but believe by not doing it you are hurting yourself and doing something wrong on a fundamental level, it makes sense you would go back to it. In any case, man it is how in my room, I am getting out of here. See you, later. Random or not people whom may possibly be reading this, lest I am speaking to my self like many whom is narrating in “Notes from the Underground.”