I’m feeling pretty good physically today. It’s kind of funny. Or well yeah. And I don’t even feel to disturbed by this “good” feeling. Usually if my body has energy or feels…well relaxed? I then get anxious and it feels disturbing because I am so not used to it and tend to think it means I am gaining weight and getting fat[ter].
I’ve had a cold since pretty much all of last week, which explains in part why I was feeling so bad on Monday, and perhaps my more extreme reaction as to what occurred… I’ll get to that later. But I rode my bike a long while on Saturday and yesterday felt tired and was able to rest a bit I suppose thanks to having to be at church and sitting around and that hour or so taken trying to figure out what to do over lunch…in any case, yeah.
Today, it feels like I was able to be more relaxed and intuitive will food. In some sense I think it might be easier to feel okay/ not in pain and not sooo rigid when it comes to what I think I *have to* eat or *should* eat. Or not eat. If anything, it’s kind of like I am aware that what ever it is, I may or may not feel a certain way and in general, I will be eating again in a few hours, so it is okay, and I can handle whatever it is, or have before. Even if it isn’t pleasant psychologically, I can get through it and take it as it comes. It may not feel great, but it is what it is.
So today I was feeling a bit guilty, as has been getting to me lately. I’ve come back from New York three months ago now or so and still do not have a job and feel like my mind and body are actually feeling better to be able to do more. At once I know though that like when it comes to resting after exercise, I may want to or perhaps should wait even a bit longer after feeling okay, to give that hundred percent. In any case, I know I’m not one hundred percent, but in so many ways it feels like my anxiety has diminished, at least in terms of being all trapped in my body and tensing me up; at least that is what I was feeling this morning, but then was able to do even more stretching and shaking and whatever, to release muscles even more and get more in tune, so that was great. I wasn’t insanely anxious over lunch and able to make it more mindfully and not anxiously, worrying over time and then able to move on relatively as the anxiety tried to besiege me. I was able to walk to the library and get a book; more so, the one I wanted, in a sense for pleasure, rather than the more technical “talking at you” sort of book. I’m reading “Heavy” and interested in seeing where this is going… In any case, when I got home, I asked Gramm if she wanted to get ice cream. I’d been wanting it for a few days now honestly. Or like all last week. I think it’s gotten relatively safe. The first time was horrible actually, or really scary and imagining all the sugar in my body. Yet I realized it doesn’t work like that, or in the least now, that it is okay because again, I will eat again in a few hours and it is okay. I didn’t necessarily feel hungry before, and so it is irrational to think I will get hungry after eating that and/or want to eat more because of it and binge, but rather just mindfully shift my mind elsewhere, away from the worrying about food constantly and worrying that I will binge and feel grossly full and keep eating despite that and feel sick and blah blah blah. I think it really was what my body needed. Often times I might drink a smoothie which has just as many calories, or more, but then less fat, more volume…probably a disordered amount of volume from just ice to make it bigger and less calorie dense because whole disordered scared of dense foods thing….but yet I logically know that fats can be more satiating and that my body might actually appreciate the break from a large volume of liquid, especially since I tend to just get really cold after it and always have to urinate. Probably not healthy actually. So I was able to go forward despite that disordered anxiety. It’s kind of funny that I am actually more afraid of things such as light ice cream, sugar free ice cream, non-fat frozen yogurt, frozen yogurt in general. It is actually because they tend to be of similar caloric value as the normal ice creams that have fat but replaced with sugar or sweeteners to some effect, but I have that whole anxiety of sugar being less satiating and feeling less calm (actually had experience with this too I believe), or even if eating the same amount, the caloric value is say 40 below, but then you might end up feeling like you need to eat something else because it was just straight sugar or whatever…so basically, normal ice cream in some sense is “safer” only up to a certain caloric value though. Factoring in the cone too. Actually eating ice cream out of a cup would be much scarier too I think. In a cone I think it lasts much longer and so it plays into that whole satiety thing and mindfulness in a way, versus eating it with a spoon,you could probably just like swallow it all and it’d be gone. At least that is my fear. But when I eat like that too, in some sense it is often driven by anxiety so that would not be positive either.
In any case, that probably sounds like horrible eating disordered ramblings, but I feel quite well right now and am trying to delight in it and then not over think it when the ED tries to go, “Wait…”
Even for dinner, I was able to have something and not be horribly distressed over it. I was able to eat half a salmon patty, cooked with some mixed stir fry vegetables, onion, and then tomato sauce and salsa (to make it spicy…red pepper flakes don’t agree with me, I think) and a red potato, along with half a pita bread and some hummus.
I don’t know, is it the combination of the foods and fats and rest and what not that is having me feel so good as well as this peace of mind? I mean of course it is constantly trying to make me anxious, but yeah.
That hum in the background…
Should I even bring up what happened on my birthday? Eh, can link to my Instagram but that feels a bit lazy. Quick run down, I suppose, getting to the distressing part more or less..
So on Monday, last Monday that is, it was my birthday. I was able to go to the dietician appointment I had and then from there drove home in time for my Dad to pick me up. I told him, I texted him, no cake or dessert of any kind. I though I communicated effectively, but apparently not. Or well, I thought that they’d probably mess it up some how but wasn’t sure how. We actually spoke relatively well in the car and then got to their house. I smelled something baking but tried not to worrying thinking well if one part is baked okay, whatever it was. But no, that was pretty much the whole dinner. Pot pie. Marie Callendar’s pot pie. And bread. A loaf of bread my Dad cut. I was trying not to panic, he served me a piece, and was like, okay, not too bad, but then that bread…and then I didn’t feel satisfied even though the ED was saying that was enough, more than enough calories already. I tried to get some more of the filling, the vegetables and the chicken (or was it turkey?) Until I felt satisfied, but already felt the uncomfortableness of knowing it was “too much” I drank water with it and tried to reassure myself it was fine. It was fine it was fine…It’s fine, nope. Went into the bathroom and just up and purged right there. Not all of it, but some. I didn’t want to throw off my body too much in terms of then getting all scared and confused if I were to get hungry or rather feel empty later and not know what to do/ feel distressed by that. I washed my face off and went back out and opened presents, tried to act pleasant. My Dad then took me home, and as we got off the freeway off ramp, I felt this disgusting, nauseating feeling almost over whelm me, in that way I have experience only once or twice before when I had nocturnal panic attacks that have had me jolt up in my sleep to vomit. I got home, said good night to him. I believe Gramm was there already and I already said how I hated everything. It is a weird feeling now in days how despite distress, at once I feel disconnected from it, or just…zoned out? I called my mom crying about it and not sure what to do. I messaged one of my friends about it and was just…out of it. I went to sleep and woke up still hating everything and with my weight up one pound hating everything even more, and feeling sick but not knowing if it was from the purging and messing up my sinuses and digestion or if I was just already getting sick, which it may have been both. Went through my normal routine and kind of finally calmed down a bit, two days later is when I normalized more or less…in any case yeah. Another birthday. The end.