Regional service was at my [grandpa’s] house, and…

That didn’t feel nice… We had regional service/ Bible Study at my [Grandpa’s] house tonight. I already knew Grandpa wouldn’t like it, so I told him this morning. He was annoyed. Then he was annoyed I had to spend money to buy food for it.

Okay, that was kind of expected…What was not, was him well…Idk, his Alzheimer’s and dementia are getting worse. His behaviors more irrational and well, angry. He has a lot of the same theme about everyone. Basically he thinks everyone is dishonest and trying to cheat him. And apparently nobody has a conscience…because everything they do apparently bothers him and you know…Something.

Our dogs were outside and wanted to come in. He made it worse by standing there looking at them, which makes them just cry more like, “wtf won’t you let us in?” Which had him getting more angry, like “Wtf won’t these people get out of my house?”

He did at some point actually shout at them and say if they were going to stay or something to that effect. He also said “Bye” half joking before, as in “get out, it’s time for you to leave.” He tried to let the dogs in. I stopped him. I asked him why it bothered him so much. He said he wanted them out of his house. He says that about everyone though. It’s really sad when you think about it though. He excludes everyone and everything, yet that doesn’t make him happy…but apparently everything also makes him unhappy. Or so he thinks…

That’s the sad thing and his hang up on money. He’s saying how he has given me money, and basically hating the fact I spent it on food for the Bible Study. I’m thinking then, what does he expect to do with money? Keep it forever and not spend it? [Yes] Sigh…It’s sad to think he is this way and 80…Almost 81 years old. It’s sad because yes he has Alzheimer’s now, but he was like this before…it’s just more aggressive now in a sense…or perhaps showing more. It makes you wonder how miserable and unhappy his life is. I sometimes have wondered how he has lived all these years… I mean, I am 23, and he basically retired when I was in 1st grade. After that he’s had the same basic routine. Get up, shower, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, coffee, etc…Never went anywhere really, maybe fishing, and to the market….For years now. For most of my life. Repetitively, every single day almost without variation. Growing up, he wasn’t very nice or happy either. Him and my mom got in a fight to where they didn’t speak for years over how he treated my cousin that lived here at the time. My cousin actually had to move out because of how bad my grandpa treated him and my Grandma said it just wasn’t fair/ right for my cousin to live there and have to put up with that.

I wonder if at any point my grandpa really was happy in life? It’s kind of scary though when I look at it, when I ask myself how could he for so many years, basically since I was born have such a boring repetitive, isolated life and not hate existence? On the other hand…hasn’t he? Yet apparently when asked about suicide or wanting to hurt himself, he looked at the psychologist like they are crazy, saying something like “Why would I want to do that?” so apparently he values his life…just…It’s sad. At once, we don’t want to collide. I don’t want to clash with him, but not doing so leaves him as is…Yet clashing feels worse when it seems like no matter what one does, he will remain the same.

Yet afterwards he didn’t get as angry as I thought…Maybe it was because it was late and he was tired or…He realized he was being a jerk and actually showed it to them when he basically yelled at them to get out. He was criticizing them, “They have no conscience.” “They must be bad people if they have to pray that long” “They didn’t even apologize.”…. I don’t know, it’s like….It doesn’t even occur to him just…How people are? That not everything revolves around him? Yet again, I feel myself reflected in that as well… Just like the repetitive living for at least as long as I have been alive…I’ve lived like that for years and it felt unbearable…does still at times. I think about the runner man I see who is so compulsive and limps terribly, but I’ve seen since I was at least four years old and he is still going… I wonder if I could have ended up like that…Having endured so much pain and not being able to stop. Being like that would honestly frighten me. Or rather, I don’t know if I’d be able to endure so long…or want to. I’d probably rather want to die first….Yet I suppose this is God showing me that I could be like that if not for Him, so me receiving salvation is certainly mercy and grace, opening my eyes to these things which I could not see of myself…. So just like not wanting to clash with my grandpa in a way, because it feels hopeless…Just like God has clashed in intervened in my life…It may not feel “nice” but it is necessary to change.

…Which, by the way I have a new job as of this last Tuesday night/ Wednesday night, depending on how you look at it… Totally screws up my routine and things feel off and not “real”, but hey… Apparently it is…or isn’t. Whatever. I guess that is totally why I need to rely on God.

Ingrained Judgments

The more I look at it, the more I realize how many messed up judgments I have about food. Not even so much in an “ED” way of fear, but OCD, like regarding textures or feel, density, etc,, how it a food doesn’t feel “right” or normal, not like “usual” or how it is “supposed to be”. That idea of how it is supposed to be being a big one basically…or encompassing all of them. This idea of “it’s not supposed to be like that” which is actually unfounded and then controlling, despite it not being true and nothing bad coming of things afterwards despite that “not supposed to be” other than the dark cloud of judgment weighing down. When I look at it though, that is long engrained. I was like that as a kid. When we went out to eat, I would always pick the same thing. The idea of picking something else didn’t feel “right”. If we went to a certain restaurant, or certain type of restaurant, etc. there was this idea of “Well you have to order this type of food/ this certain food because that’s what you’re ‘supposed to’ do if you go to this place. It makes me question actual food likes. For instance, as a kid I remember going to McDonalds and thinking I “had to” get a hamburger or cheeseburger. Getting chicken McNuggets seemed so weird. Like “Why would you do that? You’re SUPPOSED TO get the hamburger, and it tastes better.” But did I think that because it tasted better because it was “supposed to”? Even now, I note that type of thinking. It’s so odd. When it comes to chocolate or vanilla flavors for instance. I think I’m “supposed to” like the chocolate flavor better, because “it is chocolate” so therefore I do…even though I don’t…but by picking vanilla I feel as though I am wrong and somehow missing out even though experience tells me chocolate flavor pretty much always feels lacking to me somehow.

 

I remember going to get pizza, and pizza “has to” have pepperoni. Why? Because it has to, otherwise it’s not pizza. So when you go to some pizza place where they have a bunch of other toppings, that are all different it feels “wrong” in my mind even now…even now, aha. But yeah. Does it taste good? Yeah? Maybe? I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel “right” because we were supposed to have pizza, and pizza like this is not like I imagine it “should” be! – that’s the type of rigid thinking that sucks the enjoyment out of everything, really. The idea of how it “should” be… I find just letting go of desire to be easier in a way right now though… That is, I am clinging to certain “should” but when they aren’t, trying to work around and accept it in a way. This idea of how things “should” be though, it’s odd. My mind questions that. Like “authentic” food. Is less authentic less good? Is it simply a matter of preference and perception…judgment? I think my mind doesn’t like the fact there isn’t a “Right” answer and/or that people would argue the fact, but I suppose there are very few things all humans could agree upon…if any? (1+1=2?)

The idea of eating “healthy foods” as a kid as well. I felt like anyone saying they liked “healthy food” to be a lie. That is, you like it…as a healthy food. It doesn’t taste good compared to something else, but you like it “because” it is healthy. In that same vein I also felt then I shouldn’t really enjoy “healthy food” because, it shouldn’t be a matter of enjoyment, but health. So if I like/ like something that is “healthy” or low in calories, etc. I seriously question it because it’s like “Am I just liking it because it is healthy and don’t really like it?” How subjective is this though, to know “really”. I mean if you like something, you would think it is obvious…You’d think. Yet is it? I am finding more and more, it isn’t things that cause my anxiety or discomfort, etc. but my perception and mind set, the judgment itself. If I shift it, it doesn’t matter. So how is that when you apply it to choice of food or anything else for that matter? I recall a few years ago when I lived with my dad, and we were in the car, and I was drinking a smoothie. The texture was off, and it was “wrong” but I remember shifting it to “no, now you have to learn how to appreciate the smoothness of the smoothie” versus before I guess I liked the different pieces or something, idk. Actually I do that with almost all foods in a way. I have both creamy and crunchy peanut butter in my cabinet. Switching from one to another is much more difficult than it should be. I have to change modes in my mind somehow to the “yes it is supposed to be this way, you can like it” when going from creamy, to crunchy and how they differ…Man that sounds ridiculous, but it feels like a batter in my head trying to figure out “Which is better” or “which is right” when really, there isn’t a “right” answer. (Right??) It’d be a matter of preference at the time that is allowed to change. (Right??)

I guess this is a sort of set shifting in a way and perhaps what they talk about in EDs, that those with AN have impaired set shifting or something to that effect. I have a feeling there is probably even more I have yet to discover on this regarding my own judgment and way of thinking. It has me thinking back though to when I was a little kid. How long have I done this? What influenced it I wonder to think in such rigid ways? It can be changed, but I wonder how long and how many choices were influenced in this way? I know my Dad has told me, quite remorsefully really, how basically from the time I could talk, when it came to making choices, when I picked something, often (or always?) he would put that down, and pick what he wanted, basically to make it more convenient for him. So what little choice or freedom in picking things, he basically squashed until I just didn’t ask, or didn’t pick. I kind of just accepted. Perhaps in that way is why my mind kept rigid ways of how things “should be”, and/or clung to them when I found one that was “Right”. Afraid that picking anything else could be immediately slammed down. Actually, that is true regarding many things, as far as interests. It always has scared me in a way to develop certain interests, in fear of how they will be perceived. I didn’t listen to music for a long time because of being afraid of judgment regarding what music I may like, and if it was “Right”. It was even more confusing because people can say they hate on artist or band, etc., call a certain genre stupid, while others may like it. Again, I guess it is subjective but that didn’t work in my mind. Now I kind of get it…though still a bit confused if I think about it. This may sound terrible, but say if someone says they like country music, I think to myself “But don’t you know you’re not supposed to and everyone is supposed to hate it?” that’s a perceived notion I picked up from people at some point apparently.

When you get to the topic of food and nutrition, obviously that gets even more confusing. I was thinking about it earlier as well in regards to people whom are in recovery and post the pictures of their food. I mentioned prior how food choices, etc. to me can often still really seem to be anxious/ disordered; yet looking at it, most accounts I think, are to portray recovery, so that is, making progress and perhaps while still knowing “this isn’t normal” working on it…I think the problem may be if others look at it as something to emulate. Often like many other groups as well, like minded also stick together and perhaps perpetuate the idea of normalcy…but again, what is that? Everything can seem so varied and subjective from the outside, but motives at heart are what really matter. Even then, how can one judge? What one wants, to be healthy, or content, etc…Is it even that people want to be healthy, or simply feel content, which to them may feel “healthy” because they “feel” healthy? I don’t think I want health. I think I want a perceived notion of it. I think that is part of the reason I wouldn’t really bother posting my food or telling people about it. When people ask me what I eat, I usually get anxious…First off I think it’s odd they ask such a thing, but what is it do them? ED or no ED, but I think there can often be different motives in asking as well. If it’s someone with an ED, I usually feel like it’s a set up for comparison and/or judgment. Yet I guess that is why I don’t advertise it, because by know, for the most part, regardless of what other people were to say regarding my food in some ways, it would not change what I eat….or that is, I do not necessarily want to, or feel I “can” change it, so I just don’t put it out there; why the unnecessary anguish? Why the sudden delving into the psyche and talk of food judgment, or simply judgment all around? Not quite sure, though I’ve been looking around Instagram blogs (or whatever they are) more and noticing all the intake blogs, and it is probably ED driven on one part, but one part of me really wonders about the mentality behind such things and my own as I look at the different foods, and different words used, perceptions and mindsets regarding such things….It is interesting to say the least.

Venting….Part 2

The line needs to be drawn deeply in my heart. If I am not going to die, then I need to go on living. Not this existing, wishing I could just die, but at once feeling I must live, simply to go on. It is the same as dying…but worse.
To live though seems pointless, for what meaning is there…other than the Gospel. And the flesh being only evil, of course does not want to live for that…so it would rather I just die. I am so afraid I will end up a pastor’s wife…aha. That’s terrible. I guess my flesh would revile that though.
Yet I don’t want to give up “my life” how stupid is that though. It’s not like this makes me happy, to live like this, yet I feel I have to. Like I told samonim the other week, it’s not like it makes sense. It’s like holding onto a bomb until it explodes simply because you’d been holding on to it all the time prior. I have no ambition as far as career or college goes though. It all seems vapid and stupid. To strive in something so meaningless….But isn’t everything I suppose. Ecclesiastes 3:13 comes to mind again…I feel like I am on the precipice of understanding something, but not quite there, as if it is on the tip of my tongue but will not come out.
I want a clear mind. A goal. Life, something to aspire towards. Dreams. At once, I do not. If feels like by doing so, I’d be deluded like so many others into thinking things matter. It seems like that is also saying though, to be happy would to be foolish. That to be happy is ignorance, in not accepting reality… Yet the actual reality, the actual truth which is God, through Jesus Christ is only hope. The law cannot save anyone. It can only condemn. The man hit by robbers could not be saved by the Priest of the Levite, as they left him there, just as the law told them to do basically. Yet Jesus is the Samaritan whom had compassion and saved the man hit by robbers; that man whom was going away from God in Jerusalem, towards the flesh, Jericho.
We are the man whom is half dead, saved by Jesus. I don’t think it applies only in salvation, but perhaps also in spiritual life. I stray, and perhaps while I wouldn’t like to be beaten half to death, it is grace, to be stopped from going towards destruction, and to be lead once again by Jesus. The inn is the church…and this week I feel so alone though, as pretty much everyone has left on a trip. Yet God has given me this circumstance. Again, we don’t like being the man hit by robbers, it feels painful, and yet it is the spot of grace. Apparently in the service I missed yesterday, pastor Ahn talked about how if we don’t have problems and difficulties in actuality it is like God has abandoned us; in actuality, these are good things, that mean God is with us and want to work. If we are worrying, it is actually because we have distrust towards God, thinking he will not work. That is how my heart is a lot, but that is the only way a human heart can be unless God pours grace on us to be able to receive his heart. From the beginning, after Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, they had received Satan’s heart inherently instead of God’s, which they had strayed from. Been deceived away from. That is why, God told the serpent, because he had done such a thing, he was cursed. The first prophecy of Jesus Christ was mentioned in that, the seed of the woman, would be at enmity with him. That is, Jesus. It also says how the serpent would try to strike his heel. That is, he always tries to trip up everything God does, and yet, it states He will bruise the serpents head. He has done away with him. He has no power…I know pastor has said before how the Bible says that God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end? Why not the beginning, the middle and the end? He believes it is because the middle seems to belong to Satan. Yet, with God as the creator and the finisher, there is nothing to fear. What would faith be, if things simply happened as we wish, right this moment? Is faith not towards things hoped, not yet seen? Faith isn’t seeing then believing. It is believing despite seeing.
If I look at my circumstance, as I see my circumstance, then I can only feel hopeless, like nothing will change, or only get worse. Or as if by getting worse it means anything, as if saying the word of God is false. Which is not true. It is true despite whatever it is I see. I remember Pastor Ko telling me, even if I get worse, remember the Bible says I am already healed. Even if I don’t want to get better, the Word of God is still true. To believe that first, despite how bad the circumstance may seem in my eyes. That is faith. At once I fear though because in hearing that, it feels like my flesh wants to use it as an excuse to get worse, which to it feels better. It scares me in a sense, when I feel it smirk on the inside, if that is possible. I am powerless to change it though in myself, much like the earth could only be in darkness, lest God speak. It had no condition to save itself from the darkness, but God just spoke one word, and there was light. God’s word has the ability to change all. Yet often, it seems like humans, unlike everything else in the world, when God speaks, have a will of what they think is their own. Humans of themselves are broken in that way that they often do not react to the word of God. Yet, is it that God’s word cannot work? I do not think so, but God if He so wanted, could pierce through their hard hearts, could he not? And yet does not always. Perhaps for a purpose, which we may not understand, or rather so that we may understand what grace is. Undeserving, and yet can give if He wishes. I feel like at times, even this morning, being really dark, I hate God in that I feel making life, making our existence is extremely selfish of Him, in that it is for Him; and yet we suffer. But we don’t actually suffer because of God, but because of ourselves, and our desires beyond God. That is, what Satan wants us to have. Perhaps God lets us feel that suffering so we may realize it is only suffering and nothing else but in Him is there happiness. I feel so confused often in feeling like that I must constantly feel suffering though in some aspect…if the spirit is happy, the flesh must suffer? I do not speak of the physical flesh in itself, but the flesh, that which is at enmity with the Spirit of God.

Vent….

Oh, how many times have I thought this though and yet things have gone on the same…Oh well.
I so just don’t want to live like this anymore, the constant anxiety over food. I just want to eat, without worrying or “thinking” so much, in a hard wired way that it seems to hurt, as if my thoughts shoot, streamlined through a pipe with voracious force, before any other option can be vied for. Clamber and flail as I might, distressed and anxious, it still gets shot down through the same place again and again, like being hit with a high power stream of water. Drowning, flailing, but then it stops and you get to where it ends, like always. Perhaps catch your breath again, and then back again. Ever been in those waterslide tubes? Like that. No way out, but down…or well, the idea of being able to climb up and out seems impossible. You can’t very well break through it either at that point, lest you somehow develop super powers…
I feel so tired and it makes me anxious because I am not “supposed to” feel tired. My body aches, but I think it is a lie because I am not “Supposed to” feel achy. What have I done to do so? More so I do wonder if anxiety makes it worse. I note my body tensing and how my breathing seems to get shallow every time my grandpa walks by or comes into my room for the hundredth time to feed my guinea pig. Feeling his anger and judgment, waiting for him to mutter something, call me a dumb bastard, or just recently as he walked into my room, I am not sure if he was talking about me or my grandma, but he called one of us a slob. *deep breath*. I imagine living like this for years now without realizing it is not good for my health psychologically or physically…and right now there is a fly on my computer screen but it’d be pointless in trying to kill it as I’ll probably just miss anyways, or it’ll be off by the time I get the fly swatter.
I want to “not care” about food, but rather than change, I just want to accept as things are, or as they ‘should be.” That is, perhaps it sounds distorted and/or cowardly, but rather than fighting the thoughts, I rather accept them…and not fight them. It is the fighting them or feeling I “shouldn’t” or “should” do something else that makes it tiring and anxiety provoking. [Grampa just walked by my door way and made a laughing sound which pisses me off. He is laughing at me. I hate that. So much.]
Now I have statistics homework to do, which I do not comprehend, yet somehow just do. I find the pattern and plug in numbers accordingly. Move onto the next section, forget the prior, learn the next pattern, get annoyed if it is not simple, do the work….Sigh….If I can even do it.

Progression or lack there of…and realization of such which is a sort of progression and freeing in a way

Reading some “Recovery” blogs on Tumblr and what not, I’ve come across pages where people have things they strive for food wise, things they want to eat/ be able to eat, over come the anxiety, certain places to go and eat, do things, etc. “Normal” things. Eat your birthday cake on your birthday for instances. Eat a normal “traditional” meal, like on say Thanksgiving or something. These make me sad for some reason. And in some way disturbed. Perhaps it is just the ED that is disturbed, I realize there is this thought that arises of “Why would you want to do those things?” I (in congruence apparently with the ED) find that horrifying. Why would you want to be “normal”? In that way at least? Why would I want to be okay with doing those things? In my mind they apparently lead to bad things and it would be “bad” enough to do them, let alone feel okay doing them. Yes, it’s all disordered. I think. You know, my mind tries to tell me otherwise. I realize here is also why I do not move forward in terms of “recovery” I don’t really even like that word though, but if I had to put a label I guess that is technically what it is. Or something. Or the opposite….or um…something. I don’t think I am in “denial” of whatever it is I am “in”, but as I have thought before, it’s really frustrating to live everyday feeling like you are self sabotaging and don’t know which side is the sabotage. Is it the side saying to eat or the side saying not to? The side saying eat more or the side saying not to? The side saying to exercise more or the side saying not to? The side saying try something else or the side saying not to? Depends right? And if I don’t know where I stand then…Well, distress pretty much all day long. But that is a bit of the norm…

In any case, this has gotten me to realize, I don’t want to “Recover” from this. Or at least in terms of progressing further in food choice or changing that sort of thing, I do not want to. I don’t see the point and “enjoying” other things seems repulsive and well, yeah, like I stated above. Trying different things too, I do not want to do even though it limits me greatly in a way. I only feel bad about it though in that I feel I am “supposed to” and/or “supposed to want to” do those things, and wish I could and perhaps strive for it and so on. But no. I don’t. Part of me wants to get over that too, because I’m supposed to want to want to…what the heck. In any case, I’m not sure what I should do with that. It feels kind of freeing though. Man, my OCD keeps wracking me with stupid scrupulosity thoughts though…

Who seems to have been avoiding writing anything?

Who seems to have been avoiding writing anything? I’ve been apparently avoiding writing anything. Or rather, the thought of writing feels uninspired or unpressured/ I don’t feel like there is anything I need to think out or process or something to that effect. It’s kind of like I feel the desire to write in an upward trend and then it goes way down, thinking about the fact that it is pointless, and meaningless like everything else in the world. That whatever I come up with has already been said by someone, somewhere, felt by someone somewhere, more than one person, and come and gone with little or no notice. Like Solomon says, there is nothing new under the sun. If you look at people with eating disorders for instance, as alone and scared so many may be, it is almost always a very predictable thought process and questions being asked. “OMG I want help but I am scared? How much should I eat? How much should I weigh? I weigh this much, is this healthy or not? But I feel so fat already? Do I really need to recover? But I want to gain healthy weight, not from junk.” Blah blah blah….it’s kind of sad when you think about it. Or rather is. I mean, as I am 23 now and my ED started when I was say 14 and then in this short amount of time seeing the same sort of repetitive thing. I think the sad or perhaps ironic thing is that those who get better, don’t stick around that crowd and it leads that new generation to seem to grapple with things they think are new.
Well, just like anything else in life I suppose. Read part of a book sample online earlier and it talked about purging way back in history, and “Muscular Christianity”, etc….nothing new under the sun. Anyways, why am I ranting/ venting about EDs, and probably going to offend some people if they were to read this because it might make them feel invalidated about how their EDs aren’t real or something because it is repetitive…but that is how it is classified by certain behaviors and it is quite interesting to look at how it is all so similar. I recall one person talking about how after being in treatment so many times, it was ‘boring” the people with AN complain/worry/ talk about the same stuff all the time. The human brain is fascinating like that. Just like with OCD, you can find a lot of common compulsions. I am glad in some respects when I found a pretty comprehensive list of them, so when I ended up confronting some of them, I knew what they were and double checked on the internet to reassure it was just an OCD obsession/ fear…and how to work around then in some cases. To me despite how complex the human body is and its condition as a whole in a way is quite fragile and simplistic; perhaps more speaking to the mind though…You hear of great feats it can do, but how at once a wrong twist or fall, you can pinch a nerve, damage your spinal cord. The brain can do many things, but can also malfunction. The brain, the organ, humans do not fully understand so I suppose in that context it makes sense then that humans minds tend to be dragged around by it. I’m thinking in terms of neuroplasticity versus self- directed neuroplasticity. Even then though, it’s not like they can think outside the confines of what their brain is able to do, though they try to reign some semblance of control over it. Well, some people. Others just go with it I suppose, never questioning so much or using meta-cognition. When not thinking straight I sometimes think those people are lucky, but no, they are not. And even then it might only seem lucky when their brain works “right”, or as they want. If it is contrary to ones will then it is agonizing. In some sense, humans are very mundane and boring when you look at it from a whole. Living and interacting, I’m starting to get a sense of people more in a way. You can peg certain personality types to certain people, which in a way I find very odd. People try to be individuals – and they are, yet at once, they are not.
Back to what I said before of possibly offending people, as they want to be a special snowflake with intrinsic value…ha. I see people write things on line like “I feel worthless” and I want to be like, yes you are, but as is everyone so it doesn’t really matter.
Hmm, where was I going with all of this? Well in my life now, I try to ponder what to do or how to do things, but I feel a bit apathetic in a way. And well, I suppose tired. Yet that doesn’t really mean much. If my eating disorder would have its way, I would be deathly ill by now. What I find funny now is the fact that I generally don’t follow it because it’s like “oh but if I do that, then I won’t be able to function.” Which apparently matters. In terms of a future though I seem to feel torn. Going forwards in new things would basically really be tearing down things as they now are. I’ve had this pretty same ritualized sort of routine for years now. It’s not toxic like prior, but it’s not “free” or normal. It is in many ways confining, or that is would be if I wanted to do other things. I tend to think I want to not do other things because it would mess it up and don’t know “how” to deal with that. The idea of doing different things feels bizarrely surreal, which I have gone through before, but it is a bit sickening to imagine going through that again, but on a different level of consciousness if you will. Before everything sucked all the time and I was pretty much always anxious no matter what…eh, well while that is kind of the case now, it’s at a lower level, so stepping it up would be like willingly walking back in the fire or something. Sigh. Also, my brain revolts at the idea of moving forward. It doesn’t even like me thinking of a future, as that in itself shows I am trying to break this grip of rigidity. It says I cannot. That is, I cannot without feeling massively anxious and other likened emotions, however….well I am not sure how to end that, as it just wants to say, no, you cannot. Ha. Stupid mental sort of gymnastics like imagining thieves of ninjas in a museum going through lasers to steal the priceless artifact. The sort of thing that feels as though it should be so obvious and when you are on the other side, you wonder why you didn’t “get it” before and then are able to find other people at that same level and wonder how and why others are also not there but drown below in their suffering and thoughts. Or are those one in the same? I tend to feel stuck right now as to how to move forward. Sometimes I feel even more in a sense like I am “losing it”, distressed, but the rest of the time I feel more “sane” or here than prior. At once, with that ability, I can see how much more I lack in actuality. How much deeper it seems to run. How complex or perhaps just overwhelming things may seem, yet simple. The world, looking at it the duality of everything is amusing. It’s something humans don’t want to accept.
It’s amusing watching humans. It’s annoying to know I am part of it in a way though. I find it bizarre that things I should have perhaps thought to be obvious are not so. My head hurt and neck ached for so long. I just thought it was in my head/ psychological until at some point realized it was actual physical pain…whatever that means (still technically in your head). How tense my whole body is, how as I just sit even today, realizing how my breathing tenses when I so much as move, my calves tense, arms, shoulders, etc. How tense everything is… I think to myself “this can’t be normal, a normal person would have noticed or not even gotten to this point.” Yet I find myself wondering how many other people are in some form or another unaware of similar things about themselves. Noticing all of the extremely sore spots in my muscles, how my teeth hurt from clenching my jaw and noting how my teeth are moving though they were once straight from having braces…. Sometimes I think to myself this is all BS and I’m over playing it, everyone else deals with the same stuff, they just don’t stop and obsess and they’re fine because they have lives. I can’t deny when I am around people at times, the adrenaline seems to go and I feel better….yet even when I am around them, I start to feel sick, my energy dies out, my neck and back of my head start to ache and I get nauseated from it….I feel like it’s not “supposed to” and I have to leave and I feel it is just a weakness on my part, not something that should be addressed but at once wonder what is wrong with me…did that even make sense just now? Probably not. Basically I guess I cater to the pain without realizing it. I think I did that prior to my ED as well. After all I basically thought to myself (or as I reflect on it now) I never did anything physical so it didn’t really matter how my body felt in a way. The mechanics working properly or anything didn’t matter…and that is how people get poor health. Probably how it lead to poor mental health. I never thought I had problems nor did it even occur on some level regarding emotion. People told me I had everything I needed basically, nothing to worry about, so why would I be worried? Why “should” I be, according to others I have nothing to be worried about. So therefore I am not right? Wow, I guess I had about zero emotional depth or meta-cognition in a sense… I must admit even now I find myself where I feel blunted in this area, like I should be “Getting” something, like it is trying to hit me, or is but is just bouncing right off. It’s odd when I think back to the anxiety I had, the OCD obsessions, how I was so “in it” I guess it didn’t even register. Huh. Humans. Non-developed brains…. Lack of guidance from outside sources perhaps…or knowledge or perception on their side perhaps….yeah, they wouldn’t like to read that. Not to blame or anything…
In any case, where is this going? I don’t know. Does it matter? I want to try to do things and at once don’t. I feel I can’t control my actions in some respect or almost don’t want to as it is so tiresome…not to say impossible though and that is an errant thought in wanting to act on it just because it is there, as in the long term that is not a positive… I suppose though, I just need to go forward as staying still is also a choice of sorts… and isn’t really staying still…but okay then. How shall I end this? The idea of going forward though, having to interact with others, I don’t want to burden them though…sigh. Well there is enough of that for now….how so “sign off”…?
Vanity of vanities, all is vanity? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Perception, existence, eating disorder, and so on

Eat one meal, worry about the next. Worry you’ll eat more in between when you’re not hungry. Worry you’ll keep eating even after that. Worry each time you eat it is to much, that you shouldn’t need food because you don’t feel “hungry” even though you are apparently “supposed to” eat. Kick yourself after you eat because you’re so fucking stupid for doing that, you didn’t have to. It would have felt fine if you hadn’t; especially if you feel worse physically after eating. Then if you don’t feel physically worse after eating get anxious over how you didn’t react badly to it; because it was too much, but you are not reacting to it as such; how terrible is it that you are being accustomed and apparently seem to like or want to be over eating? Isn’t this just a habit now? A compulsion? You shouldn’t be eating in such a way. Or at all…maybe in like a day or two, but I mean really? How can you feel hungry today? You’ve been eating too much all this time. Then in that next day or two you eat, a single meal should be enough if not too much. You are used to feeling “bad” but in a safe way. Or so it seemed.

It’s more confusing when you actually try for the idea of feeling okay and have no idea how to get there or what that means, or what that entails. It’s such an irony in thinking that in the beginning, you did this with the conscious thought to be happy. After the fact it then switches on you and says you don’t deserve to be happy; at least not happy and eat, because that is wrong and unhealthy and gross. You can be happy if you do what it says; so apparently you only deserve a certain type happiness, or so it says. It is not actually the case, but it’s not like it’s logic actually makes sense beyond itself. There is some irony in that what seems to be “healthy” feels out of control and anxiety provoking when you apparently do what would seem as healthy actions, or what you think are apparently supposed to be healthy actions. I am sure the disorder distorts and adds a whole different layer of psychological baggage to that, but who knows, maybe it’s not and I am just doing everything wrong. Everything can seemingly be so backwards. Feeling like you shouldn’t eat, because eating feels like a compulsion of “having to” and that is “wrong”, at the same time feeling like you need to eat because you are “supposed to”. I’ll suppose the rigid times are obviously compulsion, which leads me to always question hunger, as if it were linked to said times, which it ought not be; yet eating any other time but those times causes massive anxiety, so it throws itself in a loop of no winning on either side. Perhaps because it’s ideal would be to simply not and avoid the anxiety all together. Better to not go on any feeling what so ever and by cold hard rules. Yet that on both sides of “healthy” or not is suffocating in a way. The idea of living freely beyond such things seems impossible however. Rules, guidelines, whatever you may call them. My brain seems to throw them at a steep curve. One way or another, no flexibility. I mean, I may be flexible with them at times, but it doesn’t mean that internally I am okay with it and my brain is not screaming. Life seems so complicated. Existence seems so complicated, yet stopping and looking….it isn’t. And it is. You can pick it apart to the tiniest detail; or well you can try, or you cannot….All the while, things still keep moving on, somehow; as it is all not dictated based on our thoughts, feeling or perceptions whatsoever.

Thinking back to my Sophmore Year; English Class…

Over the last few weeks, I feel as though I have been more emotional for some reason; I mean sad, but I am a bit used to feeling that, but this feels more targeted in a teary sort of way, as if remorseful or mourning. This morning it seemed so random, but as I walked back to my house from running, I remembered an instance in 11th grade. First I remembered about my mom talking to me about the book my teacher had bought the class and put in her little “library” for other kids to check out after she had seen me reading it and asked what it was about. It was “Skinny” by Ibi Kaslik. I’ve never really seen other people mention this book in regards to EDs, as it is a fiction and, the character dies at the end. It is shown in her perspective and also of her younger sisters. This book has a certain intensity about it, or in the least when I recall the book, it has this very sad connotation to it, thinking back and the memories related to it. It comes off to me as a very powerful book in a way through reading the experiences, but it may just be because of other things that occurred that I remember regarding the book.

I  remember my English teacher asking me what I was reading and said it was a book about a girl with an eating disorder. I said it rather nervously and a bit embarrassed. I was pretty sure she knew by the I had an ED, if not just by looking at me and it felt a bit embarrassing and stereotypical in a way; Oh of course, she has an eating disorder, so she is reading a book about it, as if to give off some sort of hint…Or something. I didn’t really want that though. I don’t know if she read it; I imagine she did if she put it in her little “library” but part of me felt scared about that. Like it was being vulnerable and exposed if she read it and a glimpse of the hell my brain felt like. I felt so scared all the time.

I remember then at some point in class, in a plastic baggie, bringing out sheepishly, a tiny sandwich I had cut in to fourths (I believe there was two left) and feeling anguish and ashamed at the desire or pull to eat it, but not want to eat it. I knew she saw me and I felt more ashamed that she knew I was eating and that I shouldn’t want to and was somehow binging, eating at “inappropriate times”. I still feel like that actually…It might not make sense, but I feel like most my teachers were distressed by seeing me eat, as if it were “bad”…. After that class I believe she pulled me aside to talk to her. I think she was trying to be supportive, but I don’t remember what she said other than she had a friend that had also had an eating disorder “gone through the same thing” I remember feeling so despaired, when asking this in sadness “Did she get better?” and she responded something to the effect of “Yes, she is doing better now.” She didn’t say it with much assurance when I looked at her eyes, she just seemed sad and I felt like my heart sank more. I don’t believe it I thought. I want to, but I don’t understand how. It seems cruel. The idea of being “better” made me sad…Makes me sad…

I remember at some point apparently my mom went and had a meeting with my teachers. She said my English teacher mentioned that she bought that book and apparently other girls in the class read it and said it was helping them in realizing how terrible eating disorder were and feel better about themselves or something… My mom said “Isn’t that good, you’re helping people through this?” Apparently trying to make some good out of this terrible disease. (By this time my mom still seemed to have compassion and hadn’t completely gotten frustrated and angry.) For some reason I remember a sinking feeling, I felt even more sad…Thinking in a way…No , I wish this had never happened…Sure I guess it’s good for them, but I’m still stuck here…

I think back to a few other teachers who in their own way tried to reach out to me…It makes me so sad…If anything because I was not able to “open up” but it really seems like that was impossible…there really was nothing to “open up” about it seems…I was just an empty shell…perhaps that’s what I could have said… This idea that they wanted to talk, and let me express things…I wanted to but at the same time had no words, no feelings other than sadness. It made me even more confused. That is perhaps what I am feeling now. It makes me sad and want to apologize for some reason.  To say “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say, it feels like there is nothing there. There is no ‘reason’ but I feel like there is ‘supposed to be'”

These memories, it’s been almost 10 years… That in a way is frightening…I feel part of me is mourning over all these years, Years I can not get back. I don’t even remember much of high school, but I know it mostly was not “happy” times or “normal” teenage things…just…anxiety and eating disordered…and I can’t go back. I can go back and experience those things… Not sure I would want to, but in a way it feels like a loss… Even farther away from being able to relate to people. “Normal” rites of passage types of things, learning etc., I don’t feel I’ve gained. I am glad in a way, as it has helped shape my current out look on things but at the same time feels sad and obviously my mind seems conflicted. The fact that I can’t go back and how much time has passed, how much has happened or not happened…seems a bit sad and scary in a way, looking to the “present” and future, how will I also view this span of time… I fear it would be the same and yet motivation to change in a way seems low, due to that same feeling back then of when I asked my teacher if her friend got better… That is only but a feeling though…to be proven wrong.

Ramblings of…confusion (TW)

I am noting now as time goes on, and people I “meet” online, those that have eating disorders for instance, seem to progress in recovery and move on. Those whom I went to high school with have mostly graduated from college now or are going on to higher learning; getting masters degrees and so on.

I feel as though it is showing me a bit more of my image as I reflect. I can give advice to those recovering, and they often times as least seem to be doing so much better than me. It is hitting me more and more how engrained and completely encompassing my disorder is. Even with out precise exact rituals, it still seems to controls my entirety for the most part. I wake up and worry about eating too much. All day I basically worry about eating too much. By the end of the day I wish I hadn’t eaten so much. Yet the irony is often that the things I eat are a bit anxiety driven as well; routine, so as much as I may be dismayed by it, I am not all as much surprised.

To me, what is viewed as the problem? To me, as my perception now stands, I view how much I eat as the problem. Perhaps to rephrase, when I think of it again, the eating disorder, yes, it is the problem. But what is “the eating disorder” to me it would be the part of me that wants to eat. That is what I find to be the problem. And yes, I know how very backwards that may sound to people. Of course that “may” is doubt put in my own mind, confusion in which the eating disorder has spread. Yet if I know that? Oh cognitive dissonance, two of my favorite words….

People ask if I want to be free of my anxiety, well yes. But of the eating disorder? Well, yes, but not in the way that they think. Actually this next part will not make sense and basically not come off as free from it. I suppose what “I” would want is the illusion of freedom. Freedom to act on my restrictive behaviors without conflict. No “healthy mind” to combat it. How terrible is that? Yet I would argue, the healthy mind would exist, in that it all feels so “right” and could be flexible and agreeable in the sense of restriction and mutual agreement without fail when it comes to if I should or should not eat something.

I do not like ego-dystonic thoughts when they conflict regarding food. I don’t even know which is mine actually, regarding food. The one that says “Eat, relax.” or the one that says “Don’t eat, relax.”

I’ll humor the other side for the moment in saying that the healthy voice would be that saying to eat. Okay, well how do you know that though? What if it forever is telling me to eat too much? What if it is not wrong so much as my interpretation of it and not know how to eat or how much. My distrust in regards t “normal” amounts Is heightened by the fact that I am 4’10 and any “normal” portion size to someone taller, is than distorted and too large for me as far a I am concerned. It is not quite so easy to gauge things in my opinion.

“Give up” or “let go” of the eating disorder. I don’t know what that means. I get so confused. It’s kind of absurd to think of how confused when I legitimately think the problem is I eat too much. Don’t people understand I am as large as I am because I eat so much? They encourage me to eat, but it’s like “how can one just do that?” not only that, but physically, the discomfort I get from eating the amount I do as it stands. I don’t want to eat more, but get this pressure I “should”. Perhaps it isn’t just “more” but a variety. Yet, if offered something new or something different, it is much easier to not eat, and actually feel okay, versus when I am stuck in my routine and the stupidity of everyday regretting it for the most part….

Observation of said reaction….

Um, if anyone else reads this, no I am not suicidal, I know that the intrusive thoughts I get like that can almost/ or might come off like that though.

So two days ago I left work slightly later than normal and got stuck in traffic. It wasn’t terrible traffic, and it wasn’t as late as I’d left at times before…and yet, my reaction to it…

The traffic started even before the freeway, simply the street to get there, as I tried to take deep breaths and not think about the fact that I could run or possibly even walk faster to the freeway entrance. Then I finally got on the freeway. Then, it was slow… I mean, it’s Los Angeles, but still. I do not like traffic, especially when it messes with my routine. It wasn’t even the “I have to be home right now because it is my dinner time and I have to eat right now because I can’t if it gets too late.” but it was actually, the fact that I was sitting down…Even though I sit once I get home to eat…but it was sitting in the wrong place(?) at the wrong time, and not being where I am supposed to be and this fact that everything was off, and I would thereby be getting fatter.

The anxiety grew and grew, as one part of my mind wanted to laugh, as it seems to relish in the idea of breaking down. How I wonder what the difference in simply having thoughts, and intrusive thoughts of just getting the steering wheel and veering into the barriers….

As the idea of simply crashing builds up, wanting to speed up and get through all these cars, but they get in the way, the frustration builds. “What is the point… What is the point…What is the point of living if I am going to be this fat for the rest of my life.” It just seems like an ongoing hell if I have to stay in this body as it is, at this weight, this shape, this face….everything. It feels so disgusting, and how can I stand it for the rest of my life unless it somehow changes? I feel like I need for it to change in order to be okay with it. Yet the idea of changing it, would be artificial and possibly unhealthy, and staying this uncomfortable and fat almost seems more normal or natural, however all at once incomprehensible…The opposite of staying at a lower weight, also feels unnatural, but with a weird high, yet uncomfortableness of knowing it is not “natural”….Yet what might be “natural” I cannot accept…What is natural anyways? All my behaviors seem like they are merely compulsions and habits. I don’t think I’ve really ever had something, or something I’ve liked, that was not out of comfort in some sort of routine safe sort of way…have I? This uncomfortableness seems to be natural…

I started saying more things out loud, “Stupid f***ing c***. Stupid. F***ing. C***.”

I get home, and park, everything feels a mess. “Die, die, die, die, die, die, die , die” and so on until I get to the door. I go in the house and …back to “normal”.

My own behaviors perplex me in a way, basically in the fact that while it does indeed feel so overwhelming, at once I feel so detached, as if watching a movie and wondering what the character will do next. I’m mostly just a character that talks though…So far. I guess no one ever thinks it would lead to action though. I do find it so odd, that while in some ways I seem to be doing much better cognitively, there is this deep darkness that comes out. Perhaps it is simply the contrast that is striking though. Afterall, before this would not necessarily have been too odd..well, maybe. But I mean, I was always anxious before, versus now when I am,  seems…different…