Look at me being all spontaneous and flexible and s***.
I know my mind will keep going back and forth, but when I look at it, I know I do want to be able to be more flexible in being able to do things; of course I still want to feel safe and not out of control/ anxious that bad things will happen, like screwing up my digestion, eating too much, gaining too much weight;
Any? My mind seems to settle right now..eh, or go back and forth in that a few pounds to gain freedom and flexibility is okay, so much as while doing so it is true freedom and peace, not massive horrible anxiety with trying to do compensatory actions…Though at once I suppose I still am in a way? I don’t know, there seems to be a difference between balance and compensatory anxiety driven behaviors.
I am meeting my friend at a café. Originally it was going to be at 10 AM, which I was a bit afraid of initially, as admittedly the last two days I’d been stuck in a sort of anxiety/ old routine of “have tos” but realizing that was pointless, yet not knowing what else to do per say. He messaged me this morning, when I confirmed the location and he said, let’s make it 12. I said sure, but immediately was like, “What about lunch? How am I going to do that? I won’t be able to eat lunch? How do I eat at a different time?” and so forth. But, I will go forward anyways and see what happens. Admittedly, I am also worrying about/ don’t like the idea of having to go out and buy food, but well if God allows. I have a promise in my mind too, that God will give me the money I need. I have this thought/ promise it seems that He will let me win this $3000 award that I had entered for. Well yeah. That seems impossible, but at once something says it is so. Maybe if not now but in some other way as well.
I’m afraid of how if I eat something there, about the nutritional quality or picking something “right” or something socially acceptable. I wonder if my choice is out of physical need or what I have programmed by body to want. I think it is out of actual sustenance though. Oh and how my ED loathes that, but it seems like my body has come back on line in terms of suddenly being able to feel and desire food. Or perhaps I can just feel it now or am not used to that constant pain so much. Or maybe it was because of that cold, and cough I am still fighting off and my body so then desires food at all costs. Going to the café, I already looked at their website. Part of me feels like I “should” want to buy something sweet and all sugary because, café, and if feels like what one is “supposed to” do, but at once I know I would much rather have something savory at that time, which would feel better physically as well, my sugary foods are more in the morning, with berries, and yogurt, and whatever my morning snack will be. Then for lunch something more substantial. I think I already know what I want from their menu, even though my ED says pick the lower calorie shrimp one, I want the chicken. Or who knows maybe my friend will even want to go somewhere else if we are eating lunch; I feel odd at the idea of me suggesting we eat, but I hope maybe he will bring it up. Scary, but yeah. I have to remind myself to them it isn’t something shameful but apparently, something they are thankful for when they see me eat.
Yesterday was interesting. As I mentioned prior, I had been stuck in the morning until about 2 PM in my horrible state of compulsion, having to be moving constantly for the most part, eating lunch and my snack at exact times, worrying about the next and the next. Yet what Minister Song told me about Ecclesiastes 6:1-3 just came to mind again, as well as Nehemiah 9:36. How the reason the Israelites were enslaved was because they had tried to control, rather than trust God. When they tried to control, they ended up being controlled. I think that is really pertinent to how OCD and EDs work. Or all workings like that I suppose. I was able to get to church, all anxious, I was texting samonim, and walked into the office feeling like I’d be unable to stay. I walked in with the thought of, “Oh well, well what is my life without daily distress and torture?” She had fellowship with me, while my ED spewed nonsense. I wasn’t able to sit down really for a while, I wanted to keep walking. I think my melt down like behavior kind of just got all the energy out and was able to focus actually for some time, of course still getting up and down, walking out at any moment I could, but it didn’t feel wholly contrived. Just a bit insidious lingering…Samonim seemed happy by that. I wonder though if she doesn’t just quite understand the ramifications in regards to my compulsive walking. She wants to stop it because she was told it hurts my body, but perhaps she doesn’t understand the psychological ramifications? The fact that it is in line with purging, or is considered a form of purging to some (I don’t see it as such, but well yeah.) In any case I was able to stay there until dinner time working on the computer and making calls. We needed to set up an email but I didn’t know what to write at all.
I had dinner there, and it wasn’t soo scary. It was some pretty safe Korean side dishes (kim chi) with rice (okay yeah scary but what that’s about it, it’s not so scary), with bean paste, and a soup which did have perilla leaf and yes it did have that potent medicinal taste, however it wasn’t overwhelming with the after taste and bitterness. The soup also had some meat in it, and the fear of how much fat was in it was disconcerting but I ate most of it. I have this fear in my mind, or the ED does, that these foods aren’t as safe as my mind wants it to be, that it has too many calories, but the ED is being lulled into fake security by it being vegetables and somehow samonim is spiking it with oil or extra calories. I wasn’t able to stay after though. Samonim told me to perhaps go back to the office and work on the email, I half nodded then went off and walked around Korea town for an hour or so, maybe less, to burn off the calories and uncomfortable feeling, being one of those people I hate again, walking through a 7-11 looking at all the foods I can’t have/ don’t want, through the Galleria Market and lastly at Vons. Part of me knew or felt I still did need more calories and I dared buy this desired pastry I had seen the last few days walking by it looking in the case. A waffle donut, which had chocolate. I am not sure how it is made exactly, but it is just as one might think perhaps. 50 cents, and I walked out scared, wanting only one bite. I sadly was able to take a bite of the top, to only get mostly chocolate (I consider all the rest of the dough a waste), but then did that on a bit more of it, and when I got to my car felt a panic, and smashed the whole thing to prevent me from eating any more of it. That was sad, but a bit of a triumph in a way I could have any of it an not feel wholly out of control, like I had binged, needed to freak out and walk/ exercise even more. I drove home and while walking up the stairs it wanted to haunt me, “extra” calories I hadn’t been told to eat, but I realized it would do no good and moved on. I went on to do my usual relaxation/ yoga, before bed and was able to go to sleep. Albeit, my right shoulder is still giving me pain, being impinged for over a month now, since sleeping wrong in New Jersey, ironically on a bed, but on my right side. Trying to work the kinks out now, but unsure how exactly. I’ve also got a referral from my mom about visceral manipulation and found a lead, and from there the person passed on my number, (or said they would) to someone whom practices it and may be able to help me. So there is that. In a way it feels like things are coming together. I worry and wonder. My mind says such things “shouldn’t” happen for me, that feeling good is but a fantasy, feeling okay and actually being okay is foreign, nice things can’t happen to you, only others. Wait does it actually happen to others or is it only fantasy? No one can actually live well and feel well can they? That is what my mind says. That or, only for others, not for you. It tries to stop me in pursuit of these things, but at once I realize it is wrong in that, that thought is limiting.
I’m glad yesterday samonim stopped me. It must be very confusing when someone is saying all the things they can’t do and then calm down and do it.
Well now…On to…whatever is on for the rest of this day.
I hope when I meet my fiend today, that when we talk, God allows me to share my testimony with him, insights, and well that God is able to share wisdom through him as well. I don’t want to have perfunctory small talk. I hate that, hence probably why I am able to go today as well, because with him it doesn’t seem meaningless. I have issues when things do seem meaningless. That also reflects on my heart how I view certain church works though as well, like I told samonim yesterday, how being in the office, doing whatever work seemed like I wouldn’t help anyways, but well. God worked. Continues to work. Thank God…