Week 5 of school complete – First class over

So this was the last week of my Somatic Tissues and Biomechanics class. It was mostly review of the previous weeks, but also just the muscles of the front of the thigh as well. Today, besides the quizzes we did, after those were out of the way, we were just watching a movie, or at least there was a movie on, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. It was Clueless, from 1995. The premise didn’t hold my attention at all. There was also pizza, but I didn’t even dare on that one, afraid of how it would have me feel and not know how to handle it, and so on. I ate my usual snack at 3 PM, but even then it felt like since we weren’t learning, that I was “getting fatter and fatter” and felt the urge to move around, which wasn’t a problem anyways, and I worked on one girls upper shoulders for maybe twenty minutes, which helped a bit. She was just sitting in a chair and decided she’d lay her upper body on the table which wasn’t the best position, but eh.

Yesterday, I was able to work on two people. My “partner” who always sits next to me, right lower back mainly, and his upper back to shoulders, and then his right hamstrings, and left also, just to even him out. I then worked on another woman, whom sorely needed it, her rotator cuffs mainly, and forearms. It is good working on her because she gives good feedback, but it may also be because she is so in need of it, the reaction is just as intense. And personality too I suppose.

Food and anxiety this wee have felt a bit more difficult for some reason, even though I am back home, or perhaps because of it(?) since I was in Mission Viejo last week, which I stated in my previous post. It wasn’t as bad as I thought in actuality, or at least, the drive wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. Driving to school and back wasn’t that bad, really, almost no more than usually going home. It felt scary or awkward perhaps being in a different home and making food or whatever and trying not to feel like I was imposing. I also felt like I may have eaten less though while there and in a way felt better, so that might be what is bugging me. It helped ease things in a way, or make it feel not so bad since it was temporary. It was also a bit anxiety producing albeit fun to go run out there. It is pretty just open, and somewhat hilly. It is just different, which is what I liked, but again, seemed to be okay because it was temporary. Perhaps that is what brings so much anxiety while here at home, or while doing things a lot of the time, the idea that I have to keep doing things at a certain place a certain way. I was actually thinking about it this morning when I looked at this package of “Cocoa Puff” graham crackers. Or I am not sure if they are technically graham crackers, and they are not actually Cocoa Puff brand, but from the Chinese Market near by. I bought my staple kim chi and went up and down the aisle like usual at all the snacks, wanting to find one that might be “right” but then feeling overwhelmed.

I can’t recall at what point I actually those these, and decided to get something, but I knew, or realized that I could get something, and that it was okay, I didn’t have to find some “right” thing, I could pick different things and that would be okay. If I wanted, each time I could find something different and that would be okay. A lot of the times it just feels like I can’t, or have to find one “safe” thing and stick to it, because, at prior times at least, it took such time just to be okay with a single new thing, and I had to have it over and over again, to “prove” that it was okay. So yeah. Yet slowly but surely God seems to be changing my heart, so I can be more flexibly and realize things do not have to be so rigid.

While in Mission Viejo though, my cousin (second cousin?) who goes to school for doing hair, asked to do my hair, for practice I presume. She curled it two different times. First using a flat iron and then with an actual curler. She took pictures and at some point Gramm and her cousin (my third cousin?) came back, saying it looked good. So did other people whom I showed the picture (four frames, four different angles) to…IDK, it is just confusing to me. Looks are confusing to me. I don’t know, or recall exactly what I was like at 13 or 14 pre-ED in terms of this sorts of interaction. I notice now, when I speak to people, I am able to look at them in the eye more, but also over all, body language, and just everything perhaps. I keep thinking about how they say at some point children learn about others feelings, and how other people are “real” people with feelings and lives and all of that. It feels weird to say, but on some level I feel like that is how I am. At least in terms of the everyone has different varying life experiences and aren’t *just* as they are, right then and there, that they have background and context, etc….It has me think of a video I watched recently online, about those with Autism. I actually wanted to learn more about it since some of the people I work with may or will have Autism at varying levels. When listening to it though, I felt so much of it related to me. Particularly what they mentioned about having difficulty once going into middle school where there are transitions between classes, and social interactions which I definitely recall pre-ED, I had issues with. They also mentioned something of how those with Autism (and it may have just been Asperger’s?) have a mental age in relation to relationships, etc. of some one 2/3s to 1/2 their actual age. In a way that made sense for me. At once, I know, or remember feeling like I regressed a lot when I was 14/15 years old, but couldn’t quite remember what it was like before.

This also has me think back to last year, maybe around this time when the ED was kicking in much stronger with restriction, and I could feel some sort of change in my mood and energy, but I don’t know *how* per say. I recall going to Bible Study on a Friday night, and Brother Aryan saying, recently I had seemed more distant and dark in a way. I could agree but at once was confused because I didn’t get what had changed. Part of me wants to say it is just undeniably restriction. I want to know how perhaps I could get that back, that is, out of this whatever it is, icy cold feeling that seems to be around at times. I feel like I go, to Bible Study or where ever, but am not completely “there”. Maybe it just feels weird because I am not used to it thought too…I am unsure. At any rate, perhaps I will just have to figure it out as I go along. It happened without me quite getting *why* and in that way, perhaps God will also make the light shine on me as well.

Tomorrow, Gramm said (didn’t ask) we are going to a first birthday party of…someone related to us, not sure how. It is something like the son of Gramm’s cousin’s son. It is from 12 to 3…Which means lunch there. Which feels scary, but oh well. I am going. My cousin from Vegas and my aunt will also be there, which might be nice.
I still feel confused and scared as to what I want to do going forward in regards to food and weight. Weight feels so out of my control in a way, and so does food at times. I think it is the fear and uncertainty about knowing what will happen in continuing as I do that makes me fearful. But everytime I eat I pray to God that he handle it. That I have to have faith He will take care of it, that even if it is poision, it will not kill me and He will rectify it. I get afraid, though that I will keep gaining weight, and that whatever I eat, no matter how much I eat, or how little it is, I will end up gaining *forever* or at least to an extremely obese state in which I will not want to live. Of course I recall last August/Septemeber, on some level just wishing for God to kill me because I felt I couldn’t possibly see any other out. That the way I was going, I knew I was going to die, or at least be gravely ill, but was petrified to stop because of fear of gaining weight. I felt I would rather be dead than be the weight I am now at.

I reflect on how when I spoke to samonim and minister one night and was like, “Well either way I am screwed” she got mad, but when I think about it, Minister was just kind of nodding in understanding. He knew the ED was screwed. I felt cornered in that moment, my family wanting me to recover, pushing therapy at me, and expectation of weight gain. Being at the church at that moment and having just talked to Pastor Ahn about him thinking I should move in, or at least be around more so I could regain my strength; I knew it was there utmost worry and fear, wanting to make sure I ate enough, but that meant by default gaining weight, something I was horrified by and knew anyways that the ED would love that, being in church, making it even more of a battle and getting worse like I had at previous times. I felt doomed, however remembering even in New York, remembering the part in Mark 2, where some friends lower their crippled friend down through the roof to Jesus in order to be healed. Whether that friend wanted to or not, he was being put before Jesus and he was being healed through the faith of his friends. I felt like that was my only hope at that time, that it would be not because of me, but because of their faith. In that way I remember what Minister said to me, almost assuredly, reminding me of the donkey which Jesus had his disciples get for him in order to ride into the city. Whether that donkey wanted to be led or not, it went because Jesus had use of it. He told me, “It’s okay Kianni, remember, the donkey changes whether it wants to or not.” At that moment it felt odd, but now I think I kind of get it.

I think back to all the times with my friends or samonim, when we might argue or go back and forth, it felt like they were trying to convince me of something of themselves and at once I was looking to them, hoping to gain something from them. Perhaps though I was only looking at the people, only having hope in them, not in God. At once I felt that God was using me to show them that their word had no power. Samonim actually said that is what God showed her in New York through me. I feel like how when these people actually give up, and I am able to then give up on them, as humans, they, I, we, can do nothing and as such can they finally turn to God. I remember succinctly at a time when my one friend got mad at me, or tired perhaps, and he sighed then just said, “Just remember, God will never give up on you.” I wasn’t sure how to take that exactly, did that mean he gave up on me? Perhaps in a way, at least in him trying to change my mind [and in reality the issue was trying to change the ED/OCD/Satan’s mind…that’ll never happen], but with that I was able to then give up on him for help and know I could only depend on God. How in no way can I depend on man. How he can use them at times, but men are fallible, and cannot look to the humanistic being….So at least, that is what is in my heart right now.

I feel like I need to continue forward somehow in some sort of change, lest I get bored, which seems to lead to anxiety, but more so…perhaps being unsatisfied with where I am, or frustrated, just wanting to do, but being frustrated with anxiety. At once, looking for opportunities in which I can move forward…or perhaps going back and forth between anxiety, or trying to placate it, and moving forward, but when I realize I am trying to placate, or have it control, rather than go forward despite it, to reassess and go forward. I don’t think I have my whole “values” thing down exactly. Sometimes it feels like I can just do something because I can or it is a fun challenge, but other times there needs to be more, or perhaps I am just not sure what I value exactly, and/or what matters to me, but yeah…I will have to hope and pray, and search God’s work more to gain wisdom as to how I best go forward, yet as Ephesians 2 states, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves.it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Amen.

 

 

 

Last Friday, the weekend and then school, Week 4

Well last week, or rather this last Friday to Sunday was interesting, and by interesting I mean different and scary and interesting at once. Upon driving home on Sunday, my brain was like, “Look at you, doing s*** like a normal person and all that, without being freaked out.”

Friday for school we did a volunteer event (or some of us did) at the Children’s Hospital in Long Beach. It was a Mother’s Day event for mom’s who had children there. We had a room, in which we did massages where another school was in a different room, for doing things like make-up.

We got there at around 9:30 and stayed until just after 3 PM. It was nice in a way. Able to actually drive there and not be stressed, actually changed up my morning routine as a result of having to make room and change on a day I am not used to. Was able to talk to the people I was with. Lunch was a bit scary, but strangely not that bad. I mean, by bad I perhaps mean it wasn’t all consuming. Ha, irony in that wording…anyways. They said everything would be provided, including lunch. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but part way through the morning I heard them saying they were getting pizza. I was like, oh dear god…. And yet, when it was time, I was able to go and get pizza, scary, large slices, not quite huge or covered like Costco, but big enough. The hospital’s own pizza boxes. I got pepperoni, which was what I wanted, though the ED wanted me to get margarita because it could at least seem healthier, though I also knew I didn’t really want it, and it was basically the same amount of calories if not more, because it sometimes just works out like that. They also had barbecue chicken pizza and some sort of alfredo pizza, but those didn’t appeal at all. I had two pieces, and was afraid about it, but moved on. In fact when I got the first piece, I myself was surprised as I saw my hands unsteady and shaking as I got a spoon to sprinkle some red pepper flakes from a bowl.

I wanted to, or rather, the ED said stop at two, questioning the validity of the second one and if it was “wrong” or right, but I went forward anyways, knowing if I didn’t, I’d probably be unable to focus, basically due to restriction. I even dared to put some parmesan cheese too, along with the red pepper flakes. At it, panic beneath the surface and a post to Instagram, to vent out the angst. It is hard to describe more so now in days it seems. It seems like the panic is real and intense, but at once not, as in it does not effect me so much, or I do not “feel” it so much in a way, or on a different level. It’s like my brain blocks it out after so many times of doing that and realizing giving into it doesn’t do anything, or at least nothing productive, so may as well work around it. Which is basically what I did, kept working, refocusing, letting time pass. Not ruminating over being afraid of eating to much later, or how I should or shouldn’t feel. Time passed, massages were given, conversations were made. I survived. I survived and went home in traffic no less, and it started to rain. Got home, walked my puppy, ate dinner, more or less normally if I recall correctly and a bit astounded by the fact that I was capable of doing that and not feeling physically unwell and/or tense from anxiety.

That is one thing I have learned a lot though, a lot of my physical tension, and feeling sick and my stomach feeling tight is/ was from anxiety.

Saturday morning, I felt like I was recouping in some way from that challenge, and then got called to my job that afternoon. I wasn’t sure what to do at first but said yes, and went. I was afraid about food again, (as always) but decided rather than controlling or fearing, that if God didn’t want me to have that schedule, he would stop it as working from 4 PM to 9 or so means I basically don’t have dinner and getting out at 9 means I am only comfortable with generally something small to eat in fear of late night calories and physical comfort/ worrying how it will effect my food the next morning as well. I went in, and then as God would have it, something happened, as to which they said I could leave at 7 PM. I had taken snacks with me and was able to eat that when I got out, and drink something with calories when I got home.

Sunday, actually previously samonim had texted me Saturday about church having an outdoor service on the beach in Carpenteria. That is about 90 miles away from LA. I said I couldn’t go because of work. She said I could just stay ’til 2 and then go to work, at which I replied that is not worth it to me.

Basically it went back to her saying to please challenge myself, and I was like yeah, I am, but faith is built up, Abraham didn’t go and sacrifice his son first thing. If I went on Sunday, it would mean messing up my usual routine early, sitting in a car 1.5 hours, being faced with horrifying food, and then driving back for about 1.5 hours and then being faced with going to work and messing up my food schedule there.

That honestly looks like it would blow up in my face right there. Part of me thinks, “I could…but at what cost?”As in, it may just be more damaging. Part of me wants to think it wouldn’t be, but…yeah.

So when I mentioned the building up thing she said, “Let’s start right now” and posited that next Sunday, whatever was served at lunch, I could just go up and get something and eat it with everyone rather than disappear like I usually do.

I made the point that it is more difficult for me to eat with people there because they know [about having an ED] and they may make comments and it makes it worse. I mentioned how I actually ate lunch with people at the hospital on Friday. She said that was great, and then said but since I know the people at church, to just tell them outright when there comments bother me/ if they make comments, since they need to know how it is effecting me. Sigh. Deep sigh. Yeah, I think I have before, and it is just annoying to have to deal with that. One thing on that, which I still feel uncertain and I brought up to her is that I don’t value the idea of sitting and eating with others for no purpose. At the hospital, that was what was there, we ate it and got back to what we were doing. If I ate at church, we’d eat, and then….nothing. Or in the least, deep discussion perhaps, but that is sitting around and makes my brain and body feel anxious with little distraction. So I currently do not see a reason to do so. There is no value in it for me. And it just occurred to me now, that most people/ youths, my friends are out of town anyways for Bible Seminars. Eh, maybe that is better though…Something.

Anyways, Sunday came, and I did not go, but I did make some cookie for the mother of my client, for Mother’s Day. I also got Gramm her present as I always do; when I come back from my run, stopping at the donut shop down the street to get her a bear claw or apple fritter and a French vanilla cappuccino. Again, I was afraid for work, but went in and then maybe 20 minutes in, the Dad came out and we went around to the neighbors house while I watched my charge play, keeping an eye. The mom liked the cookies a lot, as did her child and we stayed out there for almost two hours. Long story short, we went out to dinner later on and it was past 7:30 and they told me to get something, at which I got a salad, albeit, I was afraid to get anything else keeping in mind comfort and calories to a point, it was what I felt like I wanted. My brain felt scared, but at once accepting, and I think I did actually have a good time those hours. I also feel like in some ways I learned more. I feel like in some ways, God is allowing me to do this job and make sacrifices to open the heart of this family so that they may be blessed and receive Salvation.

I left by 10 PM on Sunday, but felt oddly happy in some ways.

Yesterday/Monday, not much happened that I can recall, aha.

And that brings us to today, a school day.

New things to learn. I believe we have moved from the upper appendages and back to pelvis and legs, particularly the bones and their landmarks, so landmarks of the pelvis, femur, tibia and fibula. We also have some homework which I have not yet looked at, because I was busy earlier in class. When it was passed out, I had just worked on one class mate (massage) and was about to work on another. That made me happy in some ways. I like being able to exert my energy and be useful, as well as being able to help ease another’s tension. Both said it helped, and one, whom I generally sit by, he said it was “legit”. I had to use quite a bit of pressure on them, being muscular guys. It is interesting though, seeing how different bodies are built and how it is different to work on different body types, and people in general. I don’t know why though, or perhaps I do a bit, my game felt off. Or maybe that is how I always am? I think I noticed it on Friday too, when I massage, I don’t feel quite tuned in like I remember or thought I may have before, getting a feel of what the other person is feeling. I can on certain points when it feels smooth and in a flow, but sometimes not so much, but I think it does have to do with dealing with different body types to get a feel of it.

Tomorrow, we will be leave our house for a few days, to stay with Gramm’s cousin as our house is being fumigated. Interested to see how this will go and perhaps be more amazed at how God allows/ has allowed my brain to adapt and change to change itself!

 

 

 

At the end of week three of school

Hmm, perhaps I should write one of these a week…..

Anyways.

Third week of school, surprisingly, and it has gone quite fast actually. I only go in on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, and at once it seems like little, but actually it is probably more productive than going over masses of information and remembering none, than the way we are able to break things down and really know the information. Combined with that in our down time, we are able to practice massage, or be practiced on. Which is nice. The group of people I am with, they are all around nice, though some stay to themselves. I feel like I have that weird gap, disconnect in really being able to get the atmosphere and interact with others but then I am not sure if that is just normal or how it is also for them. Basically I can’t tell if the interactions are sometimes awkward or if I just make them that way by social ineptness. Either way, oh well. It’s interesting. I think what can also make it more difficult is the fact that everyone is almost always on their phones or computers when not paying close attention in class.

I need to work on getting another job though, or hope my work gets me more, as I currently only have one case on Sunday afternoons, though admittedly am not sure how that will effect my ability to study and keep up in class, as well as my ability to eat well. I can see how it even effects my classmates in terms of being able to eat enough, or well, in terms of solid meals.

In terms of anxiety, miraculously, it isn’t that high, though it seems like it is being laddered in a way, in terms of how my schedule is and how God has set it up. My school schedule actually fits more or less perfectly with my mornings and how I have them staggered with my runs and gym days. I am able to get my breakfast (or well, second breakfast) and take it in the car with me and drive to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which can be anxiety provoking, particularly as I eat it a bit earlier and then walk into class, though surprisingly, sitting in class hasn’t been too bad. The laid back atmosphere helps a lot. Our desks are the massage tables for one thing, and I can move around and stretch, or stand if I want, no one seems to care and is pretty normal in there. I might take it to the edge of normal looking, wanting to walk around any change I get, but yeah.

I’ve been able to pack my lunches in a cooler, more or less the type of food I would have at home, so that works. I am able to leave at around 3 PM and get home, and then do whatever needs to be done.

I still struggle throughout with the idea of wanting to lose weight, or that I might be gaining more weight still and how that is horrifying. Or how when things feel okay, thinking I can just cut back calories a lot more and go back to losing weight since things feel fine now. Aha, yeah. Clothes are also a big issue, they bother me, and I really don’t know what fits right and this goes back to that whole issue that I feel my height brings on. Or not my height inherently, but the fact that I suppose I am the height of a child but not with the lithe body of one. I feel angst over my stomach at times, and how it feels bloated, or pokes out. I sometimes think: I don’t know what is worse, my stomach being bloated and in pain, or my stomach poking out and not being in pain?

That is, if it is in pain, at least I can feel the reason it is possibly “fat”, but when it is just there it brings up anxiety of how it “shouldn’t” be like that and perhaps I should be in pain and/or have eaten to much but just cannot feel it.

I keep in mind though, that this is more than likely not permanent. That I know through research, the weight goes to the stomach first and then redistributes more evenly. I know stress can also make it worse, because cortisol and that whole weird puffy inflamed feeling.

 

At any rate, tomorrow with my school, we are going to an event to do massages for Mother’s Day. It seems like the next step in challenging my OCD routine and anxiety. For one, since it is a Friday, it will mess up my usual morning routine; School starts at 1 PM on Fridays, to 5 PM, usually. Tomorrow since it is an event, we are to be there by 9:30 and it goes until 3 PM. That means my morning strength routine and time will have to be modified. Not sure how I will do it yet, although my mind isn’t flipping out, which is nice. Secondly, they said everything will be provided, including lunch. Yeah. Not even sure on that one. I am afraid of what it will be, but I know I can handle it if God allows. Either way I will survive. Even if in the moment I may not want to. I just pray God keeps me, to not flip out or binge or purge or restrict horribly. That I can focus on my job rather than on food or exercise.

Yesterday was also my half brother’s birthday. I met my Dad and them at a park where they were playing. I didn’t expect to join in or be doing much, but they actually had Nerf guns (or the equivalent there of) and we played a game, shooting at each other for about an hour. It was actually nice and I can admit though the ED was cool with it because it involved running around. It did throw off my schedule, but rather than being dragged by that fear, I went instead. Then afterwards when challenged with eating dinner or not, I was able to get the food I wanted, and not restrict or go home late and feel hungry and guilty and eat just as many calories and not be as satisfied or well fed. I was able to go home after and move on, and actually be more productive than normal, thankful God had given me that opportunity. I baked my brother cookies, and had a lot left over, about half the batch, so I took them to school today as well, where it made me happy that everyone there also liked them. They were chocolate chip cookies, but the chocolate chips had peanut butter in them.

That is one issue I felt though. I felt like cookie, but when I actually eat a cookie or something of the like, I just feel this confusion. Upon reflection I am not sure if it is genuine dislike or like filled with anxiety and morphing in to anger and complaint. Basically when I’ve tried them (which I tried last night…and yeah.) I just get an initial judgment of rage, wondering why I thought it would be good and/or how it isn’t and then how it’s so many calories and blah, blah, blah. I think part of it is genuine dislike, but then that feeling to that I “should” like them since others seem to like them so much. One guy, JC, for instance said they were really good, and ate three of them, the last time being like, “Man what did you put in these?” (I responded, “crack.”) which seemed to imply more legitimacy in that they were delicious, but I also find that puzzling in a way, but maybe it is because he doesn’t really second guess that, and that sort of reaction is also what I fear; the desire for more. I just want one, or a piece of one, and to feel content and not hollow…something like that.

What we are working on in school this week:

The landmarks of the humerus and clavicle, landmarks of the radius and ulna, as well as orgins, insertions and actions of the latissimus dorsi, trapezius, rhomboids major and minor, and teres major.

Also, we did some work about how muscles work and function for homework, but the former will be on a test/quiz. I actually get some extra time to study them since I won’t be in to take the quizzes tomorrow since I will be at the event.

Last week (week two), we did landmarks of the scapula, and then orgins, insertions, and actions of the subscapularis, supraspinatus, infraspinatus, and teres minor.

The prior week, (week one) we did just the general overview of the bones and I believe, veins and arteries, though that was just homework review, not on the quiz.

 

We are also required to do a journal every, which is pretty neat in a way. We have to write three things we learned that week, three ways we can then apply them to our life in practice, personal or work wise, and then one thing we are grateful for.

It made me feel even more assured the first week (day?) when I went into the bathroom and as a quote with our schools acronym for learning, which is H.E.A.R.T.

Hardworking

Ethical

Accountable

Relevant

Thankful

If I could put emojis on here, this is where I would insert a smiley and or heart.

I believe that is everything I can think of for now…

Best to possibly study some more or clean the house a bit.

It’ll be interesting to see how tomorrow goes. More than anything though it actually makes me happy in a way to realize I am excited in a way, looking forward to experiencing something new, rather than fearing and dreading it. Wanting to try new things, rather than retreating back in fear to the comfort or what is known. After a while that known becomes suffocating and anxiety provoking as well anyways. Best to go forward in God, through Him and what He wants for me, which is not to live in fear, but move forward boldly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things are moving forward

I would say “for once”, but then it is more like everything that has occurred has made it so that it can be so. Thank God. He has finally made it so, in that which, moving forward in life, I can go forward through strength, or despite strength, not of my own will but of His. I think back to in August, when I was near or at my worst, but had been graced with being able to break through the ED voice and at least maybe want to recover and be able to try since the ED voice was quieted due to being sick with a cold or something of the sort. How prior I felt no hope and didn’t want any prayer, and felt like I couldn’t pray to God for hope, and only felt like I could pray that He would kill me. Then after that though, I told samonim I wanted to get a prayer from Pastor Park, and then she said okay. We went down the stairs after one of his sermons, and followed him to his office, where he prayed for me. I honestly don’t remember much of it at all because I was so out of it at the time, but I know samonim said he prayed something like for me to have a healthy mind and body. I always keep that in mind as I go forward, because as much as the OCD, ED/Satan may want otherwise, his prayer has power, as God’s word has power, which already says it is finished and that I am already healed by faith. I remember when I received Salvation, being scared and at once super happy. It wasn’t I that was scared but rather Satan, though on some level perhaps preempting me because Satan knew He had lost, I was God’s but he seemed to say he would make it as difficult as possible along the way for me to be healed of this outwardly. I was and am free from sin and any condemnation, free from Hell fire, but Satan was going to try and make this world a living hell for me in the mean time; but at once I didn’t have to worry because I knew in the end God would win. That is probably too why when I first received Salvation I had the heart that I could live like how I was until I died and be okay, because God had saved me. Though that does show me how I did not, and perhaps still do not precisely know God’s heart. He does not want us to have to suffer or be in pain here either. At least not always, but it is a process. Or to say, pain does not have to be pain if we have faith. Something like that, aha.

So I now have a job, which my hours are yet to really be established, but it is helping/ working with disabled children and young adults. I’ve had training and one substitute job that was with another person. This Saturday I will be shadowing someone and then Sunday, the actual job to see if I am a fit/ the parents like me.

Starting April 18th, I will be resuming school. I have finally a clear cut path of sorts in terms of what field I want to go in, thank God. In and through my own experiences that God has given, and job searching the last few months, finding this college through Grace, I found what seems to be the perfect, exact degree I want, which is sports and rehabilitation therapy. It is a combination of being a physical therapy aide of sorts and a massage therapist; Since my previous certification as a massage therapist expired, I had been looking to repursue it, but felt like it was lacking on it’s own, and then as God would so have it, provided me with this opportunity, which is beautiful.

I actually feel like it started when I received a promise, or faith through one of my friends. I think I mentioned it prior, but I had gotten a phone call for a different job; which required sitting in a booth all day at a mall and I was like, “Ah, god, why?!?! Jesus!” and then told my friend. At which, he responded, “Don’t worry. God will give you an awesome job.” It was simply but at that moment, I realized he was right; why had I not thought that before? Why did I feel like it would be something terrible and/or pointless and overwhelming and soul draining? So I went forward in that. Right after I got a call from a massage therapy school and spa. I went forward to pursue that feeling it would be the one, but it wasn’t, however from my interview and something the woman said it said like God was speaking to me through her. When she asked why I wanted to go to school for this, when I’d already done so before? It was true, I didn’t feel adequate, but it also was in some sense backing down because I felt I was afraid I would fail. I wanted stability, baby steps in some humanistic way, but rather now, God is providing me the way. Both in my current job and education to whatever my career path may be, though I already have a vision of sorts towards it, however vague, I imagine, or feel that as I move forward and learn more, will piece it together, if God allows.
I have been able to break out of my totalizing routing and food rigidity more than ever, even though sometimes, or a lot of the times it is still frustrating, I am realizing more and more everyday, it is something I have to face if I don’t want to be controlled by it. That is the consequence. Of course, at once I could never do it without God’s grace. It is like He hold’s back all of the evil Satan might want to besiege on me. All the dark thoughts that linger or try to seep in, being aware they are there, and perhaps to some extent even not. It being grace the more and more I understand. Really getting a handle and understanding how the brain works, how the human heart is, it makes it much easier in some ways to maneuver. I have also recently done an interview/ five questions on EverybodyHasaBrain.com which I talk about how I have come to understand things more and more, which I am forever grateful. It is scary and at once freeing. it feels surreal to feel like I am being more and more detached from the disorders every day. On some level I feel I may still be deluded, but that is to say, this is much better than how I was before, or maybe today is just a good feeling day, either way. One cannot deny progress I suppose; though again, I don’t want it to be a farse. As I keep remembering what Mark Freeman says, that we have to tackle underlying patterns and beliefs, otherwise we will always feel a pull to go back to whatever it was we were doing before; if we still think it was right, and whatever else is “wrong” of course we will want to go back. In that sense, I feel like I have had to reconcile and decide what my values really are and what I want to go forward in, rather than just being dragged around by initial fear and such. Of course I also always worry about ego in some sense, but I don’t want to develop some egotistical view; though in some sense we all are that way, completely, as we can’t not see things from our own view points, hence perhaps why I am always wary to state things at times because I know there is a chance there is something I may not know; but as such always want to learn and know more. Or Maybe not always, because that is probably deluded, but I am aware to a point and try to keep an open mind.
Don’t look for an answer that proves what you want or disproves another, simply look for what the actual truth is despite those things and move towards that.

As for today, I went to visit my great grandma with my Dad earlier, which I was at first dreading, for fear of messing up my “routine” and while driving there felt he might want to go to lunch, but almost, kind of thought that might be nice. I realized though, if I chose my routine, that was basing my life on it, and on fear, which is not what I wanted the point to be, but rather to live and do and try different things despite it. At which, when there he texted me while talking to his grandma and asked about going to lunch. I said okay, and we went, and I didn’t hate him, and the food was manageable and we had an okay time. Yay!

Okay, that seems like enough for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you feel…?

Aaand today felt taxing, so I felt it’d be good to decompress in a way by writing. I suppose I will leave of where I was last, let me see, hit by car, got to doctor. Oh right, then I had to file a report, or at least did since my mom said it was best as her and my step-dad tried to contact the people that hit me but they wouldn’t answer the phone or respond to a message.

Either way, I went back and forth to different CHP and police stations because the intersection I got hit is right where three cities meet, and depending on which part of the intersection (like think in quadrants) it is a different city. Or so one of the stations said. The other denied it being their completely. Either way, it got filed but there will probably be nothing of it. I only had their first name and phone number, and reverse looked up their address, but it only gives the street, not number and my mom said it’s probably not worth it since it looks like the poor part of that town. Really, she just wanted them to pay for my visit to the doctor and probably medication.

Speaking of which, I almost feel like I ache more than I did last week, at least in my ribs. I stopped taking the muscle relaxer though, so it feels like it went from soft and tender to rigid and achy. Something like that. The first night I didn’t take it, I went to sleep and was going back and forth feeling pain, or rather was going “Does this hurt? Or do I just think it hurts and it is in my head?” Yeah. So it probably did, but I didn’t want to take the medication, still don’t and so just went back and forth like that, and went back and forth like that today too.

It actually got Gramm mad that night but it’s because she doesn’t seem to understand how I don’t really “get” pain. That is, get what is “bad enough” or if something actually hurts for that matter. Sometimes it seems like short of being extremely sharp and/or non-stop, I will question it. Actually when it is a dull *constant* sort of pain or tiredness that is when I perhaps get more confused because it’s like “Well everything hurts so…?” Or maybe “Well everything always hurts soo?” Like I forgot or forget that things can be otherwise. In that sense it felt like the getting hit has made things more difficult in terms of knowing how much or when I need to rest, because it feels peculiar to feel better..?

 

Otherwise, I have a job, in which the training starts this Friday. It will be interesting. I am not sure how the schedule will go, which is my main concern. Though this Friday for training, it is from 9 AM to 4 PM, so…yeah. I will be working with kids to people my own age I believe, and only working with them if I am willing and am up to it, so that is a positive thing, God willing. The ED was actually really pushing back earlier this week, hard and it was almost like *fall into despair* but then I knew that if I did that, I would in know way be competent to do this job and their is no point then in falling into that pit. I have to keep in mind what I want to go forward in, and that I can if God allows, even if it is scary and foreign. It being difficult is not a problem or a reason to throw my hands up. Just like how with physical exercise or the like, it feeling uncomfortable is not a reason to stop, that is why you keep going and practice so you can get good at it. Mark Freeman’s recent videos have really been helping me in going forward with that. Which, by the way, I am also going to be working with Everybody Has a Brain in a way, soon in a way!

 

Bringing up my next topic, which was the OCD stepping it up after getting hit. I have/had been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, images involving car crashes and accidentally hitting people with my car for a while. However after getting hit is like since my brain then knew what force of impact felt like, it brought a whole new level of pain…or literal pain. That is when I’d see the images of getting hit, or crashing in my mind, I would feel the physical pain which was making me feel sick and nauseated as the impact pressure re-reverberated through my skull, in an incredibly real way. I was then getting images and feelings of basically holding a small ream of paper within my hands and it being slid out by someone or something and slicing my palms with huge paper cuts, making me wince in pain each time, basically feeling it. I suppose my brain already did have an idea of what that felt like, but the day after the crash it was more intense.
Based on Mark’s blog post on how he got over his compulsions around knives, I was however able to realize what I was doing that seemed to be perpetuating the intrusive thoughts. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it was a “checking” compulsion, but when he mentioned how he would check his hands to see if he’d actually cut them or not; and how he stopped doing that, it had me realize how I was doing the same sort of thing.

If I thought, or felt like I might have hit someone I would check and recheck just to be sure, even though after I though I was accepting the uncertainty by saying “Well maybe I will hit someone [in the future]” and keep driving. Or when I’d get the image of crashing and carnage, thinking “Maybe I will crash and get in an accident and it’ll be horrible and so on” but then basically thinking “But that didn’t happen right now, right?” That is what seems to perpetuate it. As such, when it’s been occurring, that seemingly small mental change has seemed to make a difference as I feel my brain itching to get reassurance, but driving without mentally or physically checking.

I wrote part of it out on my Instagram, but I can give a quick run down here I suppose as to why my day was taxing…

Basically I feel like I am being pushed forward in a way, if anything by my own…or not, but God’s grace, to move forward, feeling frustrated by where I am and yet afraid and confused as to what I want and instead of flailing more determined than ever to reconcile it. On Saturday I went to church out of frustration because the OCD said I could not, or should not as it would mess up my schedule and freak me out with food, and not be able to eat or at least be all anxious. I went anyways, full well knowing the ED might try and take control of that but I didn’t care, I didn’t want it to control me anymore. Then dinner time came and I felt like I just couldn’t do it. I also didn’t want to leave because I had to go past everyone and it felt embarrassing so I just kind of hid inside/ away from everyone. I was about to go after most people had finished and then spoke to an Elder, then instead of leaving, went and spoke to samonim. She wanted to make me a plate of food, I was like, “Noooo” but then she did and then…yeah, frustration. I didn’t eat it, she got frustrated, so did I but more so because I was just scared and confused as to what I wanted and just…yeah. Still kind of there right now. Earlier I was basically lamenting how this looking normal but still wanting to cry over food and feeling nauseated from feeling like my stomach is in knots over food is what I hate. But then I had to reevaluate what it is I want again. As I drove home, I decided I do not want to feel sick all the time. The ED usually tries to twist things and make me feel anxious over feeling okay for eating how much I am “supposed to” but I don’t want that to be the case. I just want to feel okay and feel okay with feeling okay. It, Satan, tries to tell me that I cannot be “happy and healthy” I can be unhappy and physically “healthy” perhaps, but then actually not, or “happy” and physically possibly unhealthy, but maybe feel just as bad in some weird way…yeah, no.

 

Anyways…Yeah. Not sure what I will do now, however I don’t want to waste anytime worrying and doing mental rituals worrying over how I “should feel” sick and so on and so forth. Maybe I will feel sick, or something. Either way worrying about it now won’t change anything or what I need to do to be happy and healthy.

 

 

 

How do you feel?

“Like I’ve been hit by a car, oh right because I have been.”

I’ve been wanting to use that the last two days if I were to go out and meet friends or the like, but I haven’t, so oh well.

I actually did get hit by a car on Monday, and when I say hit by a car I don’t mean I was in a car accident, I mean I was crossing the street and a car made a left turn without stopping or looking and hit me. Or at least that’s what it seemed like from my point of view because I didn’t see them prior, but saw them out of my peripheral vision as they came up on me and I tried to back up and not get hit and heard my self yelling “Holy shit!” and was thinking, “Really?” as I hit the pavement and was stunned there for a while. I was wearing a hoodie and actually had the hood on with sweatpants on, so thankfully, I was pretty well covered, my head included. My cellphone also flew away, however the case my mom bought for it seemed to prove well worth it in that there was not a scratch on it to be seen. I don’t even know where my dog was at that point. He didn’t get hit and I guess I was still holding his leash. I just know I was on the ground trying to comprehend, because that force hit hard, reminds me now of the time I hit right into a fire hydrant with my knee and was shocked and frozen for what felt like a good long pause before keeping going. This was my whole body though. Or at least one side of it. I would have laid there a while longer until I could catch my breath or just get unstuck and ready to move, but the driver who was an older lady came out of the car and basically picked me up on to my feet, while I’m thinking “You’re so not supposed to do that, what if I had been really hurt?” and asking me if I was okay while I still couldn’t talk, and was holding my head from the impact still throbbing…or not quite throbbing, just….all that residual pressure or something. She kept asking me over and over and I wasn’t able to talk thinking, “WTF, let me get a second” Looking back it felt like she was expecting me to make her feel better, though I can kind of understand why because I’d be horrified too if I hit someone. A college age looking guy was there too, who I think may have been her grandson and he is looking at me, while she keeps asking me and I almost feel like I’ll cry for a moment then take a breath and say can we just move to the side (we’re in the middle of the street) She says okay, and we do and she also moves her car at some point to the side. I think just before that she keeps asking if I am okay and at some point was hugging me and saying “I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t see you. I’m so sorry”. I believe this occurred while in the street and then also after while on the sidewalk. I can’t remember much exactly other than I asked for their phone number. I’ll be honest and say I know or thought of asking for or taking a picture of their license plate but the woman’s demeanor of asking how I was, asking if I wanted her to take me home, and the whole hugging and saying “I’m sorry” was kind of confusing. Like I guess since I wasn’t bleeding she didn’t think it was that bad and my experience with pain is confusing so I was like, “I guess if they think it isn’t that bad, I am really not hurting that bad?” or something like that. Or maybe she thought since she hit me at a low speed that it wasn’t that bad. Or maybe…I don’t know. But I got their number and their first names and then kept walking my dog…Yeah. Because…Well, it’s 7 or so in the morning, and urgent care either way is an hour away plus however long I’d have to wait.

I had been texting my friend at church before I got hit (I wasn’t texting or anything while crossing the road, I may have been looking down at my puppy though) and texted him that I just got hit by a car (still kind of stunned) He texted back something like “Are you serious?!” then called me saying to go to the hospital right away and get checked. I said okay and we hung up. He texted me saying “Right now, don’t wait”. So as I walked my dog back around my usual way, toward my house in a round about way, called my insurance/ healthcare provider (same place), just to ask for the hours of the medical office near me so I could do a walk in which I knew they did do, or thought they did. But then when I said what happened, I got a nurse on the line, which is good too I suppose and got assessed. When I explained how far the other places were and the one near by being better if they opened soon, they said that was fine, just look out for signs of a concussion. All the while when going home trying to decide if I should tell Gramm or not. By the time I walked in the house I decided I probably should because if I had a concussion or randomly dropped she’d know why. I had to figure out how to play it off to her though as not a big deal because what I hate is her reaction at times. It just adds stress to things. So I put my dog outside and was like “Oh Gramm, I am going to Kaiser at 8:30” She asked why, I smile “Oh some lady hit me with her car.” casually. She’s like what? I explain, trying to make it seem like no big deal, and then ask about the times and realize I can go there earlier than 8:30 to check in so do right then and there.

The ridiculous part is when I get there, wait my turn in line and tell the lady who checks people in and states they don’t take walk ins and I have to get an appointment, and gives me one for 11:30 (so 3 hours). I was like, wth I just got hit by a car. And asked about how they have the station right there (behind her) for walk ins. She says something about having appointments open so they have to give those and if there weren’t any I could go there or something…I was so angry…I went to my car and called back the line I had prior. They explained better than she had that at the “Nurses station” it was only for smaller things, but I’d have to be seen by a doctor. I was like, well okay then, if I bleed into my brain it is on them or whatever…

Went to the pool at the near by gym after going home and telling Gramm. Figured some weightlessness might help or something. That and I could feel compulsion telling me to try and lift weights like I have been every other day but I really couldn’t even grip because of how my ribs hurt and for some reason a muscle in my palm too. I did a light pull down rope and saw one of the trainers and told him. I figured I’d have to tell someone just in case. So I was like “Hey Zach. Man, I don’t even know if I should be here; I got hit by a car this morning.” and how the medical office had me waiting for a few more hours though. He’s like what? and yeah But since I explained to him and the other guy before that gave me the tour when I first joined the gym, my odd experiences with pain and injury he didn’t seem too surprised. At least to my face. He’s like “Okay, I’ll look out for you. If I see you dead on the floor or something I’ll call the ambulance. You have health insurance?” I say yes, “Oh cool, no problem, $50 for a ambulance, easy.” and tells me just to keep it light. I gave up on that pretty easy though, when it felt like nothing but futile trying to use strength but not being able to utilize any due to injury and just went in the pool.

Went to my appointment at eleven thirty and was accessed. The doctor said I had a bruise forming on my left ribs and would just start feeling worse as the day went by, probably feel it more the next day and gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer to take before bed so my neck wouldn’t spasm or anything.

…Can’t quite remember what I did the rest of the day. I think it was the first day too, that I was able to eat something more substantial after 7:30, like my body really craved and/or needed it. I remember being in the doctors office too and my stomach feeling like it was going to growl or was empty, texting my friend saying that was odd, the hit must have jarred something because I hardly ever feel “real” physical hunger. I stopped at telling him I liked it though. I did say though that I felt it, but it doesn’t mean I wanted to eat, just noticing the sensation. Their response was “eat something” and I was like, I will when I get home and it’s the “right” time…yeah, part of me does see how that sounds odd. At least I suppose if one is contrained only due to arbitrary rules of the mind, not other things going on around them.

Oh right, afterward I went to the mall in the afternoon to walk around and get out and drink a smooth decaf coffee to relax. While there I figured I should tell my Dad because if I didn’t then and he found out some time later, or something happened, he might just be angry or resentful in some way. So I texted him something like, “Well my morning/day” has been interesting so far..” He texted back “tell me” and I did. Like with Gramm, I feel the need to make it so it doesn’t seem so bad and lessen their reaction. I imagined him possibly breaking down upon reading it with one his massive OCD themes being fear of his children dying. He then called me about twenty minutes later and asked about it seemingly calmly or happily. Kind of like how I did with him and Gramm. He went on to explaining about his aches and pains too.

Which reminds me, at some point before noon, Gramm was on the phone talking to the neighbor when it actually hit her that I got hit by a car, and saying how she didn’t realize how bad it was or could be because I said it so casually and I stated, well yeah I feel like I have to other wise you’ll freak out and your reaction makes it worse. Like when I feel down a hill running and had huge gashes on my knees and elbows, thinking, “Okay, how do I make Gramm not freak out?”*walks in through door* “Hey Gramm look, here take a picture and put it on Facebook!” Yeah.

I told my mom at some point too and she talked about contacting the people because it wasn’t right and she got in an accident when she was younger and fifteen years or more later her shoulder was still hurting her and she didn’t know then that it would be that bad at the time. My step-dad then called and said something of the same, he asked if I wanted them to call instead, and I said okay, so I sent him the number. He called but they wouldn’t pick up. I called with him on the phone as well, they didn’t pick up. Figured we’d try again the next morning and if not report it.

Minister also called me, which was surprising and asked how I was and if I needed any help, to ask and not do everything alone. Also, as everyone seemed to be point out, injury from being hit by a car doesn’t hit you, or you can’t feel it at first, but comes afterwards. Felt like I was just continually waiting for overwhelming pain to hit, aha. I noted though even when I spoke to him though, I sounded unusually happy. It is though because, when I feel that physical pain, at least on that level, it can at times quiet the ED voice, which was nice. I was able to eat more easily and not be so worried. As I messaged another friend and we were chatting just prior to Minister calling, I said maybe God just wanted to give me a break from the ED voice for a while, just like how it snapped me out of relapse, or at least gave me that edge, through Grace to be able to start crawling out. Though technically already completely out by faith, fully healed. He said yeah, that could be. Upon reflection also thinking that maybe God also wanted to show me the heart of a father. A few weeks ago at church when it was Minister’s birthday one of the girls wanted to make a video for him, each of us holding a sign saying the things we appreciate about him, in the sense of it being like things a father would do. I was like…that’s weird to me because I’ve never had a good fatherly figure or when I see people, like kids who like there Dad’s or getting along that’s just weird to me. Ha.

I did come up with something in the end which was “You want us to be happy.” Which I know to be true through God’s heart. When I look at my Dad, like I noted earlier it is more a fear for himself, when it comes to his children, so it’s just kind of scary…or rigid. Usually that “love” is overshadowed by the seeming fear he seems to have. Yet when I spoke to my Step-dad on the phone it was surprising to me. This is a man I’ve only met a few times face to face really in comparison to my real Dad, but when it comes down to it, I think because he loves my mom he steps up to the plate, and his experience with OCD as well has a large effect to I think. Plus he just seems pragmatic. When I was in New York he called me and talked to me, I was surprised by the wisdom and/or advice he game. When I came back to LA and was struggling with stuff he helped, including when I would call anxious over a choice, stuck between disordered rules and desire for food or rest or something of the sort. Even when Minister called too, it felt oddly caring, which I am not used to. On both ends again, because I don’t feel it dripping with fear or anxiety as to how it will effect them in anyway, but in some way a genuine concern for the person.

By night time I could feel the pain in my neck starting to hit, so I did take the medicine and while chatting with my friend over it, it seemed to kick in and bring relief.

Aaand, I’ve been at this for a while and am getting tired…of this anyways. Sooo, to be continued I guess, but more to come on: I got a job, aaaand, where I got hit is where three cities meet and that’s a headache, and my OCD throwing out new painful symptoms. Oh joy! Hopefully by tomorrow or whenever I update next that might have abated or understood more or…whatever else needs to be done, if anything, other than praying to God, and believing it is finished.

 

That was long. Good night!

 

 

 

 

Update

It seems like over the last five days or so things have shifted a lot in terms of my mental out look. Or well things went up and down. I was hoping I’d get a job last week, didn’t get it. Then felt lost and then got another seemingly good prospect, and it fell through as of yesterday, and yet am still possibly hopeful because despite it falling through it did give me some motivation, or a key insight from the interviewer. I probably should have updated sooner, because I can’t remember what all the things were not that occurred….All I know was that I remember thinking “this is the first time I have do ___” in like ever, or at least a very long time. Oh right. One of them was that on Saturday, rather than waiting until the afternoon to go out and do things, and perpetuate my safe anxiety driven sort of routine, that at once has been starting to feel frustrating, I was actually able to go out and get interview clothes that I needed. Not only that, but was able to put on regular clothes (Like jeans and a t-shirt versus wearing my usual technical shirt, sports bra and shorts) and not feel absolutely like I was crawling out of my skin. At once though, when driving towards the stores where I would be looking for clothes, feeling like I was going to cry from revulsion and fear of some sort. Revulsion toward my body, and revulsion, in some sense of the ED being really pissed off that I was disobeying it in such a seemingly easy way. It was there, but and it’s like it was screaming, but in some muted sense where I was still some how able to go. It is difficult to describe. It feels perhaps like when you can’t hear a sound, but can perhaps feel the vibrations of the sound in the air against a pane of sound proof glass of sorts… Rather than giving up when going to one store, went to another, and another, then the last one, found clothes, surprisingly. I kept reminding myself though, that if God wanted me to have this job, or to do this, and just get clothes, He had to do it, because I utterly fail. I was able to find pants and a shirt that actually worked. Pants that I didn’t really even need to hem, I just roll them up a bit on the inside, and a shirt that just needs a good ironing. The pants material is actually quite giving and comfortable around the waist. It is however, quite distressing if I look down at my legs in them. It gives me that, “Oh God my legs are huge I should die. Why did I ever do this?” Sort of ED thought. Then am like….Can’t do anything about it now (unless well…No.) so then may as well go forward rather than keep wrecking my life for no reason other than to self flagellate and still not change. Though I guess the EDs point would be so that I change and listen to it and lose weight.

Sunday, I went to church, and though I didn’t go to morning service…Eh, I got there at like 11 and then walked around Korea Town, because well, I then went to the Regional Meeting at 1:30. I have been skipping them for a long while not because I can’t get myself to go to both and sit for so long, and just..be and food and…yeah. But I was grateful I was able to go to that.  I went out and then went back and hung out until about 5:30 PM or so, when I went home to eat dinner.

Monday I had my interview for the job I was hoping to get, and it’s not that it was far per say, but in terms of LA and traffic…it was far, aha. At 1:30, and I was actually able to make a lunch and drive there, in my interview clothes no less and not feel horribly, horribly revolting…just mildly. Aha… I was then able to go home after that. I kind of wanted to venture around that side of town but had no idea what was around there and plus if I stayed any later, traffic going back home would have been horrendous.

Yesterday morning I had my “job” club, through the department of rehabilitation. I was able to go and not be all freaked out by the time and food, and all of that, but able to just more or less stay engaged, which was a very nice change; as much as the ED is then poking me saying, no that shouldn’t be like that. I can’t recall but I feel like there was something different I did Monday morning also…or maybe it was just that afternoon meeting, but it felt fulfilling in some way, as though it was odd that I had been able to do so many (relative) in comparison to usual. I was able to do stuff rather than be rigidly stuck, or horribly afraid in messing up my, or rather the OCD/ EDs routine. It is nice and of course the ED finds that horrifying.

 

I have also noticed on the food front that rather than being super distressed about every single meal and wondering what is “right” my mind has more of a consigned sigh in which it doesn’t care and just wants to get it over with. Which was unfathomable before. It seemed like before it was the most important thing ever. A lot of facets of the meals. Not just calories, but taste, texture, volume, perception of the food in and of itself. It being “right” while I know on some level if pushed to have something different anxiety will definitely rise, but when trying to pick things at home, it’s kind of like “Eh” or that the fear or what will be happening after the fact isn’t so horrifying, like it knows that if I somehow “mess up” well there will be another meal in a few hours later.

However part of this feels like it might be a bit of avoidance in my mind. So as such I am thinking I am going to start keeping in mind the idea of what my goal is with each meal. Is it to just feel okay? Or is it to challenge things? Do something different, etc.? Despite anxiety. Going forward, on values, what I want to do and challenging that. It can be confusing to a point because if I don’t know exactly what I want, or what feels “right” in my mind as far as what I think my body “wants” it can slowly seem to meld into the “usual” and since that fulfills a sequence through the day, a requirement, sometimes I just let it go, or perhaps a lot of the times, since I don’t want to stress about it, but just move on. However, I can see it is problematic if certain things are not around, or if I go out. I tell myself that if that happens, I can handle it, and to a point, I think I can a bit more at times, it may not be as agonizing, but there is still that fear and restrictive mindset, scared of branching out and trying different things, or going different places because of that.  I still won’t eat at church, and feel horribly self conscious at the thought of it especially since they know about my having an ED. I know some there would be happy to see that, but there reactions are what make me cringe on the inside. Though as I reflected on Sunday upon driving there, thinking that others would thinking I am hideous and fat and “gone too far” and what not, despite it not being the case, I am just this *fat*, what was I valuing though? What was, is my purpose? To please other people or live based off of their perceptions, or go forward and be healthy? To truly recover, so even if they were thinking those things, then it wouldn’t matter because I would be sticking to what I believe is true, and right.

My sleeping patterns seem to be odd now. Part of me feels like it is because my body isn’t so used to feeling okay that it just wakes up. When I lay in bed and don’t feel my body feeling all tense or like lead, it is an odd feeling. I feel a bit…what is the word when laying there? I generally also can’t find a comfortable way to be, though in some sense more comfortable than before, but since it is just different perhaps…?  I have lucid dreams of sort. Like semi-lucid. It is like I am half aware I am asleep. I have food “nightmares” where it is like real life, but then faced with some food that is not my usual, or OCD routines getting messed up. I had a dream in which my death was eminent the next day, but I was still afraid to eat anything different just in case, in fear I did actually live and besides it still wouldn’t take anxiety away from the rest of the day and then I got antsy and anxious and had to go on a walk to calm down. Odd dreams of holding a baby in a diaper, and the baby being really dirty. Weird dreams that it has diarrhea and I am holding this baby up in the air, straight in front of me like, “What do I do?” aha. A strange dream last night of being in a shower, in our house where we seem to have gotten a second floor, going in there and shampooing my hair only to realize there is  a huge window and I see school children passing by below. I am confused as to what to do. None of them seem to notice me up there, but I feel expose and am caught between getting all the soap off of me and getting out of there. The sub-conscious is interesting…

And now, well, tomorrow I am not sure what is in store exactly. I ran yesterday for the first time in months, minus the odd running down the street with my dog and the one time I went down to my church where they were witnessing on Wilshire and Vermont, then ran down to Wilshire and Western to the other team. I did probably about 2.5 miles yesterday. Not too bad. I have been going to the gym and strengthening my weak muscles, as well as the stretching and myofascial work I have been doing. I definitely noticed a different in muscle activation. I didn’t run today, but I will tomorrow morning. Despite part of my brain wanting to do five yesterday, and go out today again, I am using more wisdom and reminding myself to feel what my body actually feels, rather than what the ED/OCD/Anxiety says I “should” do or feel. So every other day to start seems to work well. I am alternating it with the gym upper body/ strength training days. I truly want to make this about health, and not destroying my body or compensation, despite the ED again seemingly screaming in pain and revulsion at the idea of that. But yeah.

 

Well that is all for now I suppose.

Another light bulb of sorts

Something just clicked in my mind when it came to body image and loathing, and feeling like one *cannot* accept being at a healthy weight or anything of the sort. I was considering a post regarding National Eating Disorders Week and how one might post a non-“triggering” photo on Instagram, yet still be relevant. At first I had this idea of looking at my old journals from high school. I had a feeling I would see a similar theme from then as I did just last July and August. The theme being that I wished I would die, because it was so agonizing. However the other theme was feelings of disgust toward my physical body with the words “fat” and many degrading swear words. I posted it on Instagram, but then deleted it. I realized why it was.

In part it was because that it gives the idea that the EDs is “about” being thin, or caring about such things and THAT is why it occurs. In my case, I realized that was actually not the case for others. I realized that prior to my ED, I may not have liked my body, but I at least tolerated it. Distressing thoughts about it did not dominate my life as the ED has done or tried to do for years now. I have heard many times before, parents of those with EDs and professionals say that the body hatred is often a symptom of the ED itself. For whatever reason, while I knew that to a point, as in how it heightens things, I didn’t really believe it completely. In a sense, now I do get it though.

Another thing was the fact that what I had written was indeed in high school, after I had been made to gain weight. After I already had an ED. That was when the weight was distressing. My thoughts were most difficult when I was at a higher, “healthy” weight. It wasn’t when I was at a lower weight. For me being at a lower weight and restricting is often more calm in some ways. (In some ways, not all.) The fact that I was at a higher weight though, people might think that is when things are less of a problem, however it was basically the opposite. That is when I felt the most tortured. My history seems to be that I crash and burn relatively quickly when I do, but then hang on in a more agonizing limbo of a “normal” healthy weight for a few years until I can’t handle it any more and repeat. This last time I was trying to avoid the crash and burn, but going to New York initiated the crash and burn, while the ED was actually trying to be more strategic at first hoping it could be a more stable, “maintainable” decline. Perhaps that was God’s plan all along, after all, a more maintained, deluded decent into illness, trying to fool others and myself is much more devious in a way.

What I am getting at though, when also thinking about “before and after” pictures that many people also detest in the “recovery community” is that it doesn’t show the before the “before” That is, to get to some emaciated, unwell stage, it’s not like one just jumped from well to healthy. It is a process of sorts. It starts when one looks, “Okay”, until they’re not. It can seemingly come, “out of no where” when things go from seeming “okay” to not. Just like someone with a congenital heart defect may feel “okay” until they suddenly drop dead. Or someone with cancer feels “okay” until they just get a few aches and pains or whatever and find out the truth. Those examples are only of the physical in a way, but also I want to imply that we cannot necessarily see what is going on inside the body or mind of one that might look healthy or “okay” until you look deeper.

I have to add it is always a confusing thing of sorts with awareness messages because the ones reading such things always seem to be those that are already aware of such topic, and while that is good and well to a point, it is…just odd. That is all

Gate Control Theory and so on

So I had a bit of a light bulb moment for whatever reason last night when driving back home from Bible Study. I think it was due to the conversation I had with Kristi samonim that had me thinking about certain things, back to New York, and then thinking about the pain gating mechanism, having just started reading, “The Brains Way of Healing” by Norman Doidge, and funny enough, earlier that day having seen an old episode (well they’re all kind of old by now, I guess) of House, where he is detoxing from Vicodin and smashes his hand to alleviate the pain of detox by focusing on his hand hurting, and Wilson brings up pain gating.

In any case, if I am thinking about this mechanism, I think it really explains how God worked in pulling me out of my relapse when I was in New York. I didn’t get how at the time, all I knew was that at the time, I got really sick, and when that happened, the ED voice lessened. A lot. I was feeling relatively okay with eating. Like, after a month of hardly eating anything – and even that didn’t feel too painful (I’ll get to that in a moment.) What I had speculated was that my body some how just shut up the ED, like survival instinct kicking in and just making it shut up or at least lessen so I would be able to beat that cold, or whatever it was that I had at the time. Pain gating makes sense now. Which ever is perceived as more of a threat, or pain perhaps, is the one the body will focus on. So in that case, it was like my body stopped screaming at me to stay away from food in fear of how it would harm me, and conversely, was able to eat in hopes that it would help me. The “pain” and fear of getting fat, thrown out, or at least squelched a bit, for at least short term survival. I had a feeling at the time too, that it wasn’t going to be so easy. Lo and behold, after the first day of eating about 1100 calories, which was more than in…so long, by the next day, not feeling like death, due to the cold, I put up more of a fight and fear of the food, feeling like I did not need it, ED much louder, and more distress and arguments of sort over food. But the okay feeling didn’t last long. Or not so much. I was deluded as to what okay felt like anyways, in a sense. By the next day though, I felt sick and weak, I tried to eat small amounts the ED allowed, and my body trying to process the food I had eaten the prior days was causing issues. I was weak, and just scared. I wasn’t able to do it on my own at all, but that is when I was able to get Kristi samonim to talk to someone, and explain what I felt unable to about AN, and magic plate. I remember a wave of relief just overcoming me. Feeling so thankful to God. In my mind just prior I had felt so desperate, praying to God, He would let them talk and take control from the ED. Gracefully they did. I was able to eat my first real meal in what seemed life so long after that. Even looking back at it now, it is somewhat amazing. I don’t even quite get how I was able to eat so much and it not terribly hurt (though the prior days, it had. A lot.). At that time though it seemed like my fear of dying, or at least of just being unable to function (I could barely move of the sofa there, and it the heat outside made my heart race). Looking back I know I was still thinking very disordered, but the initial sort of jump or chance I think shows pain gating, in a way.

I think it also has it make more sense when it comes to why perhaps cutting or other such things can bring relief to one when distressed psychologically. In Doidge’s book, he has a list of the parts of the brain, and how they receive pain, but also do many other things, and how one man used things such as visualization to , basically, use mindfulness in a sense, to rid chronic pain. It reminded me of Jeffrey M. Schwartz method in “Brain Lock”, or how Mark Freeman talks mindfulness practice, in acknowledging that the thing is there, but doing something else anyways, and eventually it will die off, bit by bit. I always noted how before, when I cut, it was the initial just…doing so, that grounded me and “off set” what ever psychological pain I felt. It gave me something easier to focus on in a way. It also might help explain why myself and others may grow “addicted” or dependent on exercise. It can cause a sort of pain or burn, which our society may at least see as more acceptable. When not taken to the extremes can be good, but. Yeah.

I have also noticed times prior, like when I fell down a hill running, and had huge gashes on my legs, that my anxiety was less. That because there was physical pain, it off set, or somehow filled the quota, so to speak and my mental angst was less. Also, like when I went to Haiti, versus Mexico, or Dallas. Haiti, in some ways, was much easier because of the physical discomfort. Aside from almost having carbon monoxide poisoning, which was a horribly nauseating, sick feeling, the car ride, the heat, and moving about, the cots, the showers and even having to stand and the food there, etc. It was more “difficult” and in some sense I think what made it easier for me to deal with in a way. When I’ve gone to Mexico, or Dallas though, we have stayed in Hotels. Nice cushy hotels. Or at least, you know, indoors, soft beds, clean bathrooms, showers, etc. I mean, there were still issues in all three cases with anxiety, or managing, but if I could chose, I would…be afraid for all three right now, honestly, aha. In New York, it was a completely different environment though, and on some level…well no, I did think it was too “easy” that is what made it way too difficult to eat. I felt it wasn’t justified, at all. I didn’t and honestly, probably still wouldn’t understand the point of eating. It’s strange to say, I know, but yeah. If I stopped and looked at my days now, I might think the same too, but yeah. Something about the more controlled environments, and fear.

I wonder if on some level, that is why, I didn’t really feel pain. Or that is physical pain. I was distressed within my own mind when I felt fine physically. It was like my brain was blunted, in a fog, but it was scary at once. I kept telling myself I would eat if I was hungry. I somewhat remember when I was in high school, the year my ED first started. I remember my stomach hurting, growling, and feeling like it was eating itself in agony. Going to sleep with hunger pangs and waiting for them to go away. This last time, no such thing. That was what was confusing. I didn’t feel physical hunger, but I got that, “my brain feels like it is dying” feeling, which at once I told myself was just anxiety over wanting food. Not that I actually needed it; because I didn’t feel physically hungry. Sometimes I kind of might, but the smallest amount would make it go away, and as such…confusion. I wonder though, if that pain was some how blocked out, due to my perceived greater pain, or fear of…”getting fat?” gaining weight? Whatever it is, at the core that drives the ED. It can make up a lot of various reasons, but I know many can just be post hoc rationalizations of sort and at it’s core can just be straight up fear of food, anxiety disorder. The conscious mind, beliefs, etc. can come into play perpetuating it, but yeah. I look back and am like, “Yeah, what was I trying to do?” Fear of weight gain seems to be the biggest thing. The OCD spiraled in on itself too, the ED liked that. It hates it when the OCD latches on to healthier/ not aligned with it’s desires, but once it can claw its way out of those behaviors and into ones it likes more, it is all for the OCD latching on and spiraling. So when I would eat one amount one day, I would be afraid to eat more, or think that since I ate that day, I definitely didn’t need any the next, but then if I didn’t eat that day, then the next day why should I need anything, because if I didn’t need anything the day before, why would I need anything that day? And so on and so forth.

 

Recently when it comes to anxiety and pain, I have been taking the stance of, rather than being anxious, and/or fear of pain that may come or is, saying to just find out and see what actually happens, what things actually feel like, rather than what the ED says it should feel like. My brain feels like it is spinning in the background a bit, perhaps waiting for that next bit of information to complete it, how I could use the Gate control theory to over ride such anxiety. Yet that is a bit presumptuous of me to think I can. Like I have been also saying to myself, or rather to God, as I recall Linda samonim saying, challenge God. That is, if I am doing this by faith, He has to take care of it. He has to not only take care of the physical pain, but the psychological pain as well. Rather than trying to induce some other pain to focus on and over ride, rather look to the Word. Though in that sense, that is what it can be seen as in a way. When one uses incentive. I have seen how some parents, make it so there children, in a way may how “no choice” but to eat for instance. One likening it to making their child swim up stream. The only way to do so may be to have some crocodiles and logs down stream to get them to start swimming. Kristi samonim actually brought up a good point yesterday, how when we’re worrying about other things, it is because we’re not focused on the Gospel. If that is all we cared about, all the other things would melt away. Of course the ED wants to argue I can not eat and starve and preach the Gospel [relatively] fine….until I can’t. I mean, I’ve had nightmare, where I am at my old church and preaching the Gospel to them and having a great time until, in the dream, in a cartoon, comical manner, huge plates of chocolate chip cookies and glasses of milk are brought out, at which I am hit by a wave of fear, and stand up to walk through and out as fast as possible, while they are all there, pulling at me, begging me to stay, while I just say I can’t and speed through the hallway and down the stairs. How one also goes about it is also a possible point of contention for me. The church I go to, uses their various events, and preach the Gospel, as such they want me to join in, and I then contend, why does it have to be that way. Of course, one could ask, how else would I? That is, it is fine, but would you go out on your own anyways? I’d like to, honestly. It’s just difficult to go randomly and preach to people. Or well, I guess it might not be if I didn’t have that self consciousness of sorts. Anyways, this is a bit of a ramble I suppose.

I do indeed feel like I am recovering though. Bit by bit. That is also what is confusing. People say they don’t expect things to be better all at once, but then at once when they say things other times, or by action, it seems to feel as though they do. Or at least they might push for it anyways. It can feel overwhelming and scary. At once, I remind myself recently, my brain will always want to make excuses as to why it shouldn’t be now, and always be later, but then months or years could go by as such, so why not now? Otherwise, it will always be “later”. The ED always says that I am recovering too fast. That it is bad, that if you were really sick, it wouldn’t be so easy for you. Get worse to show that it actually is a problem (ED logic). I talked to samonim about it last night, how it bothered me, I practically wanted to walk out within the first five minutes of being at Bible Study last night because of two comments made, on sister said, “I wish I had Kianni’s problem” at which….No. When Kristi samonim heard that, she was like, no, nobody wants that. Yet she has seen how soul destroying anorexia is. She know that, almost on some level, more seriously than I say it in a way, because she saw it, dealt with it from a third person perspective, not someone being confused and distraught in it. Someone who felt helpless to help, no matter how hard they tried. I stayed last night, as I told samonim, I had to remind myself, I don’t go there for the people, as my two friends at church would say, we go for the Word, because if it was for the people, we wouldn’t be going there. It isn’t even that they’re bad or terrible, etc. but we generally are very different, however the commonality we can be together on is Jesus and the Gospel.

Well, that’s about as much as I feel like saying for now. That somewhat content feeling. Oh wait, there is a bit more; I noted today, how it was like one of the first days, more or less, I felt more at ease with food. I don’t know how to state it exactly, but in my mentality, towards just getting my food, and eating it, it was different. More relaxed. I have noticed that the last few days too, around exercise/ movement. But today around lunch it felt different. It felt nice. I wasn’t all anxious or super frantic. My brain had it’s idea of what is said it wanted/ I *should* have, but then there what was what I suppose I actually felt like eating, which may not have seemed to different to others, but broke various ED/OCD rigidity rules and scary ideas of how it was “supposed to” be and rather than feeling anxious after, felt rather okay in a sense. Anxious, or weird in a way because it felt okay, but tried to not indulge, so that it didn’t blow up. I was able to even relax a bit, and when things went a bit “off schedule” or rather I caught myself in trying to make things “exact” and “on time” as the OCD likes, being afraid of what would happen otherwise, but reminded myself, that was the point. That what I wanted wasn’t to be so rigid, but rather to do different things and if the time was different, or I felt a certain way at the time, so be it, and I could deal with it when I got there, and that doesn’t mean it is wrong. So yeah.

Interesting, seeming more “normal” day. My brain is inclined to saying it was the first “normal” day I have add, and maybe in a sense it is, but know since there was still so much anxiety percolating, it’s kind of…there but not. Hard to describe. It’s like I hit a different plateau of…consciousness? A few years ago I was just frenetic and anxious all the time, couldn’t sit still, or would freeze and get “stuck” unable to move or do things, so petrified. Then I got to being more free, and yet anxious in some sense, but more of a jerk in a way, aha, more “normal” able to exercise my own will and thoughts in a way, or at least more freed up from constant anxiety to at least think of other things and way, and now…still kind of the same, but different. It’s almost like now I have to deal with things more “normal” people deal with. Going through the stages of sorts. What is this more “normal” sort of state though…? It is perhaps because not everything freaks me out now, so I may have more of an idea of what I want to or do not want to do. Before everything scared me basically, so no matter what I just had to do it, because the only way out was through. Now it’s like since I have more freedom, there are, to a point, some places I can hide, and not feel uncomfortable, so purposefully going out to feel anxious is well, crazy. Or at least may feel like it in the moment. As such I wrestle with such things I suppose. Hence having to remind myself to go forward in values. Also knowing I have to keep being challenged, otherwise I could so easily slip back into everything being petrifying again. God has to protect me from that, and He also has to push me in to those situations at times when I fear them or think I can not, so I have no other choice but to depend on Him. At once, going forward of my [seeming] own volition, and believing God will take care of it all is much more…safe feeling. Often when I am thrown in a situation, the reason it is distressing is because I am not sure if God actually wants me to be there or do that thing. If I think it is wrong, then how could I believe God would want me to do something terrible? Yet,  my perception of course can be errant, yet it goes back to understand what God would want. That is the tricky thing in a sense, because when it comes to things like that, people will or may just say God wants me to, but…Yeah. As if the fear of doing so is enough to say so. I don’t think that is the case though. For instance, tomorrow, I know there will be a birthday cake at church. I won’t partake in the cake. I don’t know if they’ll push it on me, but it really makes no sense to me. Like, why would I? They will say it is just cake, but I’ll be like, wth? It is ‘just cake’. They say it won’t do anything bad, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. It won’t do anything “bad” necessarily or make me “Fat” so long as it is within a certain calorie range, or as much as my body needs, but that is where they lose me, as what I intake is calculated, so it makes sense to me that if I eat it, it may be too much, and as such that “bad thing” might actually happen. As it stands now my values do not include eating food for the sake of eating food. Or well, yeah. Not in such a way like that. I just don’t get it. I mean, maybe it they sat me down and tried to reassure with numbers, but when they just flippantly say it, that is what bothers me. Just like that sister’s comment about wanting my “problem” it reminds me of that verse in Deuteronomy where God says His people die due to a lack of knowledge. I remember when Thomas said, “What, you’ll die because you don’t know how to eat?” laughing in a sarcastic manner and I thought to myself, no. I’d die because people don’t understand this. That is why I’d die. If the shepherds do not know something vital, and lead the people, that would lead to destruction. Of course, I pray that is not the case. I hope, and that is why I continue to just share my heart with them when I can, or at least attempt to open my heart in a way expressing these things, because as people it is true we are generally blind to our own weaknesses. Acknowledging them though, is necessary in being able to learn and grow. That is part of the reason, since I was in high school, at some point I just cracked when it came to my shy personality. I know the ED makes me a bit darker and jaded, but part of me was also like, “Screw it” I don’t care who knows or who I tell, I want to talk about it, I want to find out, I want to know, I want to understand and makes sense of these things and make informed decisions.  I don’t want to just assume or think, but *know* to the best of my ability, to have as many sides seen as possible, to not discount things. In that way, one might think you can almost never be certain, but in some ways, that is also quite reassuring. Things are contextual. Context matters. What is not of faith is sin, but what is of faith varies from situation to situation, in what God speaks. It is not always the same thing situationally, but it is always His will, when He speaks, if that makes sense.

Quick sort of update

It is interesting to see how things have changed in a way. In some ways I am quite surprised by my mental clarity. I think it is perhaps due to having a clear goal in a way. That is, previous times I was not trying to recover. I was trying to not feel anxious. There is a large difference. It is ironic and a kind of sad how the more you chase a particular feeling, the less of it you get. I have gained about ten pounds more by now, and as I rationally knew to a point, feel more calm, or solid and at east then I did at a lower weight, probably just due to having better nutrition over all and not being so distorted. I have been working on getting all of my muscle tension out, fixing my posture, muscle imbalances, strength, etc. It feels like it has been going quite well. Over all my anxiety is much less, and in term my digestion is also better. I can eat and then just move on for the most part, that is not feel physically bloated and/or uncomfortable and not be freaked out by that, or be freaked out by being physically bloated and uncomfortable and disgusted by myself. I am starting to feel more flexible to where naturally I can try different foods without worrying about what will happen. It’s not just a calorie thing for me, but a whole textural, visual sort of thing about what is “right” and wondering how something is supposed to taste or be, etc. but my brain seems to not be blowing it up to a horribly life or death, sort of upsetting situation. Or at least cognitively I know that. I had a nightmare last week that I was eating spaghetti instead of my usual dinner. Aha. It is amusing and confusing in a way because I know nothing is wrong, but then it is just that it is different perhaps, and even though it is different I know logically it is okay. It is perhaps just like someone whom has a panic attach and people tell them to calm down or why are they acting like that, nothing is wrong. They are fully aware of that, and those words are just more grating. So when seeing my own reaction to such things, I am attempting to be less harsh on myself as well, I suppose.

I have yet to get a job, but as I told one of my friends, I honestly don’t think I’ll get a job until God allows it, that is when I am physically and psychologically ready. I feel like I have been able to take different stepping stones to building up and doing things. So much as just getting dressed and going places without massive self-loathing and disgust venerating through out my body. Somethings still feel like they need to be reconciled, but such is life and moving forward. Working through them, getting all of the lumps and bumps out. Much like the physical body with a bunch of tension, muscle adhesions/ knots, and faulty holding patterns that need to be changed to be healthier and release things.

 

Now I feel like I have a much more solid idea of going forward, rather than just going forward because I am apparently supposed to while at once feeling damaged like I am not supposed to be doing so, since I have an ED. That is one thing that I note about myself. All these years prior I was also imprisoned by this idea that since I was sick, or wanted to be sick, and wanted to not be anxious but was afraid to “recover” or at least “get fat”, that I also felt I should not in any way be allowed to have a normal life. Because if I wanted to be sick, then I should not be allowed to be happy, because that is like rewarding ill health. Now…that is a bit twisted. On the one hand yet…on the one hand no. When I was in in New York, that is what was partly confusing. I was dying, basically. Day by day, but then went around doing “normal” things, possibly more normal than I have been in a very long time, but at once was starving myself. This strange dissonance between the two things, of “everything seems okay, so it must be okay.” and then my apparent actions. I saw apparent because to me even now it is blurry as to how dangerous it was, I suppose.

Now I am able to start to at least entertain the idea that yes even if I have these issues, it is okay and I can still try and make my way in the world as best I can. To me I guess it is that it can often feel duplicit, like a lie of sorts. Presenting one way to the world, but actually being another. There is a sort of pride thing there… or authenticity thing. Though, who is to say what is authentic? Both are in a sense, yet I guess I tend to think of the negative as the authentic front. People however are complex in a sense.

Which has me think of this video..
I have a job interview today….Not sure how it will go, but yeah. I want to keep my hopes up, but then not hinge it on this job, again trying to remember that if God allows it, it will happen. Of course my mind is then afraid in regards to weight gain and activity. Having to put on work clothes and possibly feel like I am crawling out of my skin, which feels like there is too much of. But then, how else will I overcome it if not going through it. I keep challenging God in a sense of remembering what Linda samonim said to me, that if I am doing this by Faith, God has to take care of it. I can’t, so he has to take care of all of those feelings and whatever they are. Psychological and physical. Going forward in faith, seeing what will actually happen, rather than what is says will.