I have this yearning desire to write out things, and possibly imagine things I would like to do if I didn’t have an eating disorder. It feels so conflicted as it seems even beyond the ED, I feel guilt as if they should not be desired. Perhaps it is the ED conflagrating things beyond what the are meant, or those things them selves in some sense are arrant and/or not a stead fast rule to be kept one hundred percent of the time.
I have been rereading Brave Girl Eating and it makes me feel so very emotional and sad for some reason. It makes me want to cry and mourn over the possible life I could have had. The things I missed out on. I don’t even know what they would be and again there is conflict as it says there isn’t anything I should have wanted to do. That what I have done was right…staying in the ED, worrying about these things; while my actions were not right, while I still got fat and screwed up a bunch of things at least I came back to it. Oh god, this sounds deluded doesn’t it?
I wonder what would have happened. I read Harriet Browns words as she so elegantly conceptualizes things and really understands. I suppose part of me wishes my own mother could have done the same. It makes me sad, that while my mother loves me…It was not enough. I was not able to get better, I have lived within this deranged mind set for almost ten years now. I don’t really remember what it was like to have a normal “relationship” with food. What was that like? Do I not remember or is it simply trying to prevent me from wanting to recall? Is it because while prior to the ED I had an actual happy existence with food? When my mom talked to me on the phone before over how people at church didn’t get it and how I wanted to eat but couldn’t I was actually shocked by what my mom said, “Of course you want to eat. Kianni, I KNOW you. I watched you grow up. You loved to eat. But you don’t want to eat now because it makes you anxious.” At once I wanted to cry at the as well. I loved to eat? What was that like? Was I happy? Was I just able to eat and not think about it? How sad I wasn’t able to appreciate it at the time. Well I was a child though… How sad. Yet how my mom seemed to know this. And yet it reminds me of one part of Harriet Brown’s book. Where she said she was appalled by her own acceptance of the seeming new normal, when Kitty didn’t want to eat cake, thinking “Of course she doesn’t want to eat cake” or “of course she doesn’t want to eat…” whatever perceived fattening food it was. When she had known her daughter until that very age where that was very much the case. That is what is scary. Perhaps on some level that is what bothers me too when people meet me or know me. They just think on some level it is a food preference. It is not a preference in that way. Not like they think. It is a terror, driving one from one thing to another out of seeming necessity.
When my friends and the like say things like, “Just eat ‘healthy'” or “Eat the non-fattening food.” How much they don’t realize that strikes guilt and horror within my own mind. They’re feeding into the idea that what the ED says is correct. That it is right. Then that if I don’t do those things I am horrible and wrong and certainly will get fat(ter). When it’s an “of course you don’t want” what ever fattening food it is, associating it with me myself and how I shouldn’t. Because that is apparently how it should be…isn’t it? No. All sorts of mind bending here. What is this? Eating disordered derangement that is what. It almost makes one want to resign into a state of hopelessness. Wanting to just curl up and cry. No one else expects you to, nor seems to want you to branch out and change. Resignation. After all it’s not their life. They also have no idea. They don’t understand the imprisonment. On some level perhaps I wouldn’t have either, after all, those whom do not move, do not notice their chains…. Yet on some level you do. With anorexia, you are chained, and you may not move, but it is like the water is rising within the cage you are trapped in. When you struggle, then you notice but cannot break free. You sputter and cough until you are fully immersed and drowning, gasping, flailing with no power to leave but praying to God some one will notice. All the while it is like others may be around you point, yelling, saying, “Are you stupid? Just get out. Just eat. Idiot. Why can’t you just get out?”
They don’t realize you are chained, stuck. Or maybe they don’t believe you. Whatever the case, most of the time it seems ones own fear and pain is belittled, seen as self imposed. Well yes, if only I was strong enough to break out of this. You wish you could. You hate yourself more. You doubt yourself, but then with that figure you perhaps should then just drown and die if you’re such an idiot.
It’s not just that, but when it effect those around you. Also compounded by the fact that between those times of drowning, you more or less really do seem to think you feel okay. For whatever reason, even now, despite it only being a month or so ago have no idea how that works. Physiologically or psychologically. I remember being in New York, in the Bronx, out side of one of the subways stations near a college telling my team mates how I felt physically okay, how I felt okay, and at once I knew I shouldn’t, but that was all the more distressing. I felt okay. So if I felt okay then maybe I was wrong that I should feel ill but wasn’t, so just accept it and move on. I didn’t have to eat because I felt okay; what was the point? It was distressing but almost mirrors like right now when I feel okay and am at once distressed. Maybe that is what also puts doubt in me now when it comes to eating, because when I feel okay…What do I know? I was okay back then. I think so. That is I felt okay. What else is there? I was also highly distressed at once wanting to scream. Perhaps like if one was chained and the water was rising, you are okay. Physically nothing is wrong or seems wrong . The water is *just* rising. You’re okay right? Until you’re not. At once if one is drowning and panicking, as Mark Freeman mentioned you would see all sorts of things wrong with their brain chemically, when walking about how Mental Illness is Like Downing, being flooded and going crazy in comparison to a “normal” brain not reacting to being drowned.
I think the ED is trying to detract again and get me to not imagine what there is I would like to do, a future without it. It says that wanting anything is disgusting. One thing I don’t understand actually is how when I told Minister Hong and/or Kristi samonim how I view eating as shameful they say it is not the case. Particularly when eating around others. Within view of others. Showing, admitting you apparently and willingly have desires. It is disgusting to me. For me to want. I view my existence as flawed and as such when I want anything, it is an inconvenience and one that should not be there. When in New York and on the no money witness trip, I wouldn’t eat, others would, all the food would be gone. It was like further proof; See, they ate it all they apparently needed or wanted it all. You partaking would have taken from others whom would actually be worth feeding. You are to fat. You don’t need it. Why would you take from them? You’re horrible.
Of course this on some level is probably all some sort of eating disordered vitrol made up by the cognitive mind. How our minds create narratives for us to make sense of things. I don’t view it as shameful for other people to eat. I don’t give a shit if other people eat though. Maybe that’s why. It’s just selfish. Whatever it is though, the ED will just use anything to try to be right, to keep me away and isolated from anything else but it. It wants me to worship it. For it to be my God, follow its every word and do only its will. Its rewards are in itself. How twisted is that. It has me think of the verse in the Bible where God tells Abraham, that He is his shield and exceedingly great reward. Yet EDs are not a reward or shield…they act as a shield…a prison… They are only a reward to those whom are brain washed by them. From the outside they are only pitiful. But isn’t that with anything? It is trying to deceive me confusingly so by saying isn’t that how people view those that also believe in God? Ones own thoughts, within ones own thoughts people believe themselves and their rightness. But at once only believing the ED…What is this. Confusion. Why do I keep trying to affirm what it thinks and building on it’s basis? That is one thing I think too much people do when speaking to someone with an ED at times. When they speak, they ask the ED perspective. Sometimes it need to be walked out, that is, the persons mind, not the EDs, which needs to be reminded at times, to have the real them, the rational side as in a knee jerk effect sort of way, one can bring out the ED logic which for so long was just the ED speaking first or being reiterated as it was seen to be correct for so long.
I am so weak in being able to fight my ED. At once if feels rigorous. That sort of mental gymnastics having to jump through hoops, analyze and double guess, wonder. Try to out smart it while wondering if it already took into account that one up and reassess again…but at once, what about just facing it head on? I have God on my side and no one can defeat that. At once, which is the way God will have me go? By faith, that is the correct answer, but what that looks like is variable.
How do I verify that having hopes and desires is not disgusting? or that is, even if it is, what is God’s heart? I feel so confused when people say to deny our own ambitions and desires and follow God. it makes me feel as though wanting anything should be thrown away. Any hope for happiness that is. This is arrant though. Or on some level I perceive it to be, but can’t quite see how. I want to dare to have desire for things beyond what the ED will permiss, but how? Actually it is like they are there however to say them feels cruel. How is it I can write them and not say what the ED says about such things. Aferring that I would like something without the side note of massive guilt that the ED tells me only compounds more seeming shame even though something tells me it is nothing to be ashamed of and why do you have to do that reassurance to let others know that you are still sick or are really guilty? Is it even for others or is for the ED though? To abate the guilt. Much like how in Brave Girl Eating, Harriet Brown would tried to esuage Kitty’s guilt, while the ED would torture her at once saying “I made you eat the bowl of cereal”. At once… What do I desire. Part of me says I shouldn’t include what the ED says, but at once I want people to know it is difficult. I feel invalid, my struggle feels less real if others don’t know. An ED lie perhaps. I am stuggling now to figure out if I should write it. What is it I would like to do? Small things come to mind. Small pathetic things along with the plethora of “why?”s
I want to be able to celebrate my birthday. For almost ten years now birthdays have been a source of pain and misery. Contempt. Hating my Dad every year because he wants to “celebrate” while my misery builds up cursing him for making me act “normal” going out to eat where I’d like to just kill myself. How my mom and Gramm will push and ask what I want to do, and I in frustration say “NOTHING. I don’t want to do ANYTHING.” With building frustration because while I want to do something, what is there I can do? There is nothing. All of it is just filled with guilt and misery.
I want to be able to eat a piece of birthday cake; Why? That is disgusting and unnecessary? Because it is normal: Who gives a shit about normal? What is the point of being “normal” what does it accomplish? What does not doing it accomplish…
Not being fat.
Let go of all desire. If you didn’t want, you wouldn’t hurt.
I hate you.
I want to be able to eat at Thanksgiving this year without worrying about food. To have happiness and contentment. Sadly the closest I can remember this being was when I drank last year at Auntie Shelley’s birthday. The alcohol subdued my anxiety. Not completely. I would feel it rise, and go, “Oh my god” but then when it would almost hit that peak to hit worry, would ebb downward in a sort of “Eh not worth it”, but would rise and fall back and forth much like the rhythm of the ocean at sea.
Hell, wouldn’t I want that at any time, not just Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other time? What would it be like to just eat? How pathetic says the ED. What ELSE would you do? How can you just eat and not worry or think? At once, wouldn’t that make you so ungrateful to just eat? Without thinking.
No, without over analyzing and misconstruing.
That’s all I’ve got right now. Really. I mean I think my experience is so limited I don’t really know what else there would be. Having fun and hanging out with friends comes to mind but at once what that would be like and having not experienced it I have no idea. Again the ED says what a vapid stupid waste of pathetic time. Idiotic happiness. How pitiful.
More pitiful than a person home alone in their room worrying over food? Why do you think of it as something noble and pious? You’re pathetic.
Conversely I think the same.