So this was the last week of my Somatic Tissues and Biomechanics class. It was mostly review of the previous weeks, but also just the muscles of the front of the thigh as well. Today, besides the quizzes we did, after those were out of the way, we were just watching a movie, or at least there was a movie on, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. It was Clueless, from 1995. The premise didn’t hold my attention at all. There was also pizza, but I didn’t even dare on that one, afraid of how it would have me feel and not know how to handle it, and so on. I ate my usual snack at 3 PM, but even then it felt like since we weren’t learning, that I was “getting fatter and fatter” and felt the urge to move around, which wasn’t a problem anyways, and I worked on one girls upper shoulders for maybe twenty minutes, which helped a bit. She was just sitting in a chair and decided she’d lay her upper body on the table which wasn’t the best position, but eh.
Yesterday, I was able to work on two people. My “partner” who always sits next to me, right lower back mainly, and his upper back to shoulders, and then his right hamstrings, and left also, just to even him out. I then worked on another woman, whom sorely needed it, her rotator cuffs mainly, and forearms. It is good working on her because she gives good feedback, but it may also be because she is so in need of it, the reaction is just as intense. And personality too I suppose.
Food and anxiety this wee have felt a bit more difficult for some reason, even though I am back home, or perhaps because of it(?) since I was in Mission Viejo last week, which I stated in my previous post. It wasn’t as bad as I thought in actuality, or at least, the drive wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. Driving to school and back wasn’t that bad, really, almost no more than usually going home. It felt scary or awkward perhaps being in a different home and making food or whatever and trying not to feel like I was imposing. I also felt like I may have eaten less though while there and in a way felt better, so that might be what is bugging me. It helped ease things in a way, or make it feel not so bad since it was temporary. It was also a bit anxiety producing albeit fun to go run out there. It is pretty just open, and somewhat hilly. It is just different, which is what I liked, but again, seemed to be okay because it was temporary. Perhaps that is what brings so much anxiety while here at home, or while doing things a lot of the time, the idea that I have to keep doing things at a certain place a certain way. I was actually thinking about it this morning when I looked at this package of “Cocoa Puff” graham crackers. Or I am not sure if they are technically graham crackers, and they are not actually Cocoa Puff brand, but from the Chinese Market near by. I bought my staple kim chi and went up and down the aisle like usual at all the snacks, wanting to find one that might be “right” but then feeling overwhelmed.
I can’t recall at what point I actually those these, and decided to get something, but I knew, or realized that I could get something, and that it was okay, I didn’t have to find some “right” thing, I could pick different things and that would be okay. If I wanted, each time I could find something different and that would be okay. A lot of the times it just feels like I can’t, or have to find one “safe” thing and stick to it, because, at prior times at least, it took such time just to be okay with a single new thing, and I had to have it over and over again, to “prove” that it was okay. So yeah. Yet slowly but surely God seems to be changing my heart, so I can be more flexibly and realize things do not have to be so rigid.
While in Mission Viejo though, my cousin (second cousin?) who goes to school for doing hair, asked to do my hair, for practice I presume. She curled it two different times. First using a flat iron and then with an actual curler. She took pictures and at some point Gramm and her cousin (my third cousin?) came back, saying it looked good. So did other people whom I showed the picture (four frames, four different angles) to…IDK, it is just confusing to me. Looks are confusing to me. I don’t know, or recall exactly what I was like at 13 or 14 pre-ED in terms of this sorts of interaction. I notice now, when I speak to people, I am able to look at them in the eye more, but also over all, body language, and just everything perhaps. I keep thinking about how they say at some point children learn about others feelings, and how other people are “real” people with feelings and lives and all of that. It feels weird to say, but on some level I feel like that is how I am. At least in terms of the everyone has different varying life experiences and aren’t *just* as they are, right then and there, that they have background and context, etc….It has me think of a video I watched recently online, about those with Autism. I actually wanted to learn more about it since some of the people I work with may or will have Autism at varying levels. When listening to it though, I felt so much of it related to me. Particularly what they mentioned about having difficulty once going into middle school where there are transitions between classes, and social interactions which I definitely recall pre-ED, I had issues with. They also mentioned something of how those with Autism (and it may have just been Asperger’s?) have a mental age in relation to relationships, etc. of some one 2/3s to 1/2 their actual age. In a way that made sense for me. At once, I know, or remember feeling like I regressed a lot when I was 14/15 years old, but couldn’t quite remember what it was like before.
This also has me think back to last year, maybe around this time when the ED was kicking in much stronger with restriction, and I could feel some sort of change in my mood and energy, but I don’t know *how* per say. I recall going to Bible Study on a Friday night, and Brother Aryan saying, recently I had seemed more distant and dark in a way. I could agree but at once was confused because I didn’t get what had changed. Part of me wants to say it is just undeniably restriction. I want to know how perhaps I could get that back, that is, out of this whatever it is, icy cold feeling that seems to be around at times. I feel like I go, to Bible Study or where ever, but am not completely “there”. Maybe it just feels weird because I am not used to it thought too…I am unsure. At any rate, perhaps I will just have to figure it out as I go along. It happened without me quite getting *why* and in that way, perhaps God will also make the light shine on me as well.
Tomorrow, Gramm said (didn’t ask) we are going to a first birthday party of…someone related to us, not sure how. It is something like the son of Gramm’s cousin’s son. It is from 12 to 3…Which means lunch there. Which feels scary, but oh well. I am going. My cousin from Vegas and my aunt will also be there, which might be nice.
I still feel confused and scared as to what I want to do going forward in regards to food and weight. Weight feels so out of my control in a way, and so does food at times. I think it is the fear and uncertainty about knowing what will happen in continuing as I do that makes me fearful. But everytime I eat I pray to God that he handle it. That I have to have faith He will take care of it, that even if it is poision, it will not kill me and He will rectify it. I get afraid, though that I will keep gaining weight, and that whatever I eat, no matter how much I eat, or how little it is, I will end up gaining *forever* or at least to an extremely obese state in which I will not want to live. Of course I recall last August/Septemeber, on some level just wishing for God to kill me because I felt I couldn’t possibly see any other out. That the way I was going, I knew I was going to die, or at least be gravely ill, but was petrified to stop because of fear of gaining weight. I felt I would rather be dead than be the weight I am now at.
I reflect on how when I spoke to samonim and minister one night and was like, “Well either way I am screwed” she got mad, but when I think about it, Minister was just kind of nodding in understanding. He knew the ED was screwed. I felt cornered in that moment, my family wanting me to recover, pushing therapy at me, and expectation of weight gain. Being at the church at that moment and having just talked to Pastor Ahn about him thinking I should move in, or at least be around more so I could regain my strength; I knew it was there utmost worry and fear, wanting to make sure I ate enough, but that meant by default gaining weight, something I was horrified by and knew anyways that the ED would love that, being in church, making it even more of a battle and getting worse like I had at previous times. I felt doomed, however remembering even in New York, remembering the part in Mark 2, where some friends lower their crippled friend down through the roof to Jesus in order to be healed. Whether that friend wanted to or not, he was being put before Jesus and he was being healed through the faith of his friends. I felt like that was my only hope at that time, that it would be not because of me, but because of their faith. In that way I remember what Minister said to me, almost assuredly, reminding me of the donkey which Jesus had his disciples get for him in order to ride into the city. Whether that donkey wanted to be led or not, it went because Jesus had use of it. He told me, “It’s okay Kianni, remember, the donkey changes whether it wants to or not.” At that moment it felt odd, but now I think I kind of get it.
I think back to all the times with my friends or samonim, when we might argue or go back and forth, it felt like they were trying to convince me of something of themselves and at once I was looking to them, hoping to gain something from them. Perhaps though I was only looking at the people, only having hope in them, not in God. At once I felt that God was using me to show them that their word had no power. Samonim actually said that is what God showed her in New York through me. I feel like how when these people actually give up, and I am able to then give up on them, as humans, they, I, we, can do nothing and as such can they finally turn to God. I remember succinctly at a time when my one friend got mad at me, or tired perhaps, and he sighed then just said, “Just remember, God will never give up on you.” I wasn’t sure how to take that exactly, did that mean he gave up on me? Perhaps in a way, at least in him trying to change my mind [and in reality the issue was trying to change the ED/OCD/Satan’s mind…that’ll never happen], but with that I was able to then give up on him for help and know I could only depend on God. How in no way can I depend on man. How he can use them at times, but men are fallible, and cannot look to the humanistic being….So at least, that is what is in my heart right now.
I feel like I need to continue forward somehow in some sort of change, lest I get bored, which seems to lead to anxiety, but more so…perhaps being unsatisfied with where I am, or frustrated, just wanting to do, but being frustrated with anxiety. At once, looking for opportunities in which I can move forward…or perhaps going back and forth between anxiety, or trying to placate it, and moving forward, but when I realize I am trying to placate, or have it control, rather than go forward despite it, to reassess and go forward. I don’t think I have my whole “values” thing down exactly. Sometimes it feels like I can just do something because I can or it is a fun challenge, but other times there needs to be more, or perhaps I am just not sure what I value exactly, and/or what matters to me, but yeah…I will have to hope and pray, and search God’s work more to gain wisdom as to how I best go forward, yet as Ephesians 2 states, “8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves.it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.“