Balance….ED Style?

That’s what is confusing.

Or. Well yeah.

Today, I did something that would seem like an “accomplishment” against the ED. Actually doing something, I had to kind of hype myself up to and then kind of just in some ways numb out and resign myself to otherwise the panic would have probably been too much. I didn’t do it on purpose, but when that feeling came I didn’t really fight it.

So Gramm and I went to Rite and got Thrifty’s ice cream. I got a single scoop, cookies and cream just like when I was a kid; Gramm got strawberry as the flavor from my childhood that she would always get, Mango Madness, as far as we know has been discontinued. I had been thinking about doing this for a while, with a nostalgic touch between it being hot out, going to the library and remembering going there with Gramm. Of course today it was cooler and when we got there it actually started sprinkling and once in the car it started raining. Irony. Or not, but eh.

The ED was trying to make me afraid that because I was eating ice cream and calorie dense and that whole sugar + fat combination, I would get hungry and freak out and eat more/ earlier than normal and freak out and hate everything and feel out of control and anxious, etc. etc. Got home after buying milk at the store, and kind of still subdued, heated up some coffee and drank a few sips trying to feel “safe” somehow, unsure as to how my stomach felt exactly. Trying to remind myself to focus on how things actually felt versus how my mind thought it felt and/or would feel. Completed a crossword puzzle, moved onto and completed ken ken, moved onto Sudoku (Monday for all of them is the easiest of the week) and then couldn’t focus and gave up, got my foam roller to try and stretch/ roll out. Couldn’t focus much on that either and Gramm left to the gym, by then about 5:30 and I wanted to get out, but walked outside and it was drizzling, so went to the store, and bought some stuff for Grampa, and some fruit for myself. By the time I got home I figured I would make dinner. Yet earlier since eating the ice cream it felt like I didn’t want or really need more food. Hence the moved up dinner, but which also would seem to then mean no snack after that. Or maybe a smaller one. IDK. But it’s not an intentional, or restricted feeling. It feels natural. My dinner felt like it had to be something “easier” though, however it wasn’t any less calories at all, so idk.

As I drove to the store earlier I was thinking about how strange it was that despite knowing the calorie stats being basically the same as my usual, plus maybe thirty calories how it felt like my pores were literally oozing oil, less hungry, didn’t feel like I would necessarily need anything. If someone had been there to prompt me to eat dinner, it probably could have stirred an ED fueled refusal and rant as to how I couldn’t and everything was bad because of the ice cream, etc.

In Harriet Brown’s book, Brave Girl Eating there is a particular part where Kitty has to fast for a medical test. She notes how as the hours go by, Kitty’s mood improves and she basically feels more of a sinking feeling at this. It is quite weird or…as the person with the ED I’m not so inclined to be able to put myself in that pit of snakes 24/7. Or well. It’s confusing, because as much as the ED hates that, in some ways it likes when I am horribly upset because it feels like it makes up for it in a way. It wants me to be in pain so if that does happen it is at least happy I am horribly distressed and likely to compensate. That is probably the key though. Harriet Brown didn’t let Not Kitty run the show and compensate later even if she raged. After that sort of subdued panic with a peak and fall and avoidance of staying home, going out, coming back, I felt a bit calmer, subdued. I don’t know if this is good or bad. Which side is basking in the calm. It feels like both, a cease fire for the moment. I don’t know. I basically am always afraid to feel okay, because it also feels like if I feel okay in any way, the ED must think things are okay. So even if I say, beat an ED rule, it doesn’t feel like it is defeated, more like the ED accepted it with its own bubble some how.

Yet, when I picked my dinner, as various different things came to mind, what felt “right” didn’t seem absurd either. It seemed normal, albeit a fallback on my normal sort of foods because one change in the day seemed stressful enough; at least when I am the one having to come up with it and over-analyze what would feel “right” and/or thinking that it “should” be something different and getting all stressed out by that, and then just, not. So yeah. Of course even that was a bit scary due to bulk. Basically though dinners have been difficult as I don’t have any real meals that seem to fit “right” within my mind, however I again try to remind myself to focus on how things actually feel, not on how my mind thinks it is or will be. So there…

Okay, kind of calmed down and what not, just wanted to write that out I suppose…

Oh and tomorrow is my first appointment with a therapist for an assessment of some sort to figure out where to go from there. I don’t know what is going to go down exactly, but I do know I have to be there by 11:30 AM…eh. Yeah. Okay. *Avoids thinking about food situation* I don’t really know what I’ll do. Have to get something, a drink probably…unless I can actually find a safe food or get home in time to eat lunch…as if that makes sense…something. Why would I even chose dictated the ED though? I know whenever I think of that it actually sounds quite dumb. Picking something “safe” based on the ED parameters (which is like nothing when it is new, probably more so because of OCD) but if you’re basing recovery based on ED safeness then. Yeah. What?

Okay, anyways, going to see if I’ve digested my food enough/ relaxed to do some light yoga/ stretching without being uncomfortable. How I actually feel, not how it wants to freak me out thinking of how it thinks I feel. Oh and that and body image. It’s weird. I honestly used to think so many other people with EDs were lying when it came to certain feelings, and/or body image wise, looking in the mirror, how it changes in a way. Yet earlier my body image seemed less distorted. I think. After the ice cream. Yeah, no. What? I don’t know. Actually I’m not sure if it changed. But it felt like it did. Or should. Or something. Confusion. I realize now how as annoying as it is and as I am, it is a very real feeling to myself and others. It at once really cannot be understood unless one lives it I suppose. I’ll keep that perspective in mind in regards to other things as well.

*ED Siren Call* versus “Reality”

Me: That was hell. Eating disorder are hell. I don’t want to ever live like that again or like I am now.

*siren call of ED*

Me: I don’t want to recover. I was so much happier with my ED…Wait. What the f***?

This s*** is indeed confusing.

I don’t actually want to stay in my ED. I don’t want to stay in that horrible anxiety and pain. What if you could stay in it though without that though? That can’t happen? But what if you could? You can’t do that. It doesn’t work like that. But. No. Yes a lot of people including you seem to want to try and have the “best of both worlds” and you don’t know what the difference is right now. You seem like you want to be happy and healthy but feel safe, yet you associate feeling safe with your ED. Anything else doesn’t feel safe. You know the two don’t have to be mutually excusive. But what feels safe and familiar is the ED, everything else feels wrong. Or rather, whenever I feel happy I think then I must be doing something wrong because then it seems like the ED must be happy. I don’t know how to be happy any other way. Even if it’s not food related, if I feel okay for something totally unrelated I am only happy that I feel relief from my ED in that moment which then makes me feel guilty that I feel okay because I am not making the ED uncomfortable which must mean I am doing something “bad”. Wow my mind is….Deluded? Overthinking? Perpetuating it’s own pain? Why do I start speaking in third person exactly anyways..

When I was in New York, did I have a good time? Yes. Perhaps. Were there times of relief? Yes. Is that good or was that dancing around a problem that continually got worse? I am not sure. I had some memorable times perhaps. Some fun encounters. Learned to overcome limits. It was fun. But was it fun in a way others would perceive or only in a mind bending way? In what way do EDs distort?

I remember what fun times…? Seeing New York. The people, the sites, seeing God work. Listening to the Word.

What else? I feel sad when thinking about this. My happy times might just well be disordered. Being happy there were apples to eat, the one food I would eat. Being able to get coffee to feel okay and go to the bathroom. Being able to eat kim chi, another safe food. Eating a bowl of cereal and worrying, but being glad when I didn’t need anything for hours and possibly the rest of the day or the next. Being happy when I could walk around. Being happy and relieved when no food was around as much as my brain also screamed in pain, because I wouldn’t be able to eat nor have to, nor feel guilt over eating nor over feeling like I “should”. Being happy that I was able to overcome and not feel hunger or eat despite how my mind was scared about how I would feel and if it was okay. Being happy I still somehow felt physically okay despite not having eaten and having defeated my OCD which said I had to eat at certain times otherwise my energy would die out and something “bad” would happen. Being able to get upset and cry, and the relief that came after, go to sleep and still go on the next day. Being able to receive grace and get food while others ate and I could feel happy about that while glad I didn’t have to eat.

The scary things I remember?
Feeling so scared and distressed over not being able to eat even if I wanted to. Not understanding what was going on and feeling scared. Only knowing I didn’t feel hungry, so I couldn’t eat. Shouldn’t eat. Wondering what was going on. What was this? Fearing something really bad was going to happen, how I couldn’t control anything. Wondering how things would keep going, but at once knowing on some level I had no choice. Time keeps moving after all. Being scared because of that very fact at once of what would come. Being scared when I realized I could keep going and as hellish as it was in some sense not minding. I was used to it. Wishing on some level someone could grab me and shake me into some sort of real sense. Reality. Download into my brain what I was so apparently missing. Why was I feeling so detached? Was I always like this? In some ways perhaps but not like this. The scary numbness yet safety. Like a constant slight lack of oxygen you don’t quite ever get used to. It suffocating your brain. When we did letter deliveries, when first setting out to walk, or walking anywhere for that matter, if I moved to fast feeling as though my femur would dislocate from my hip joint. That was scary. Wondering if it could really happen. Femur head from great trochanter. What would that be like? It would pop and click, and luckily move back to where it was, making me afraid to move more quickly. At once not feeling I had the energy anyways. I moved slowly, and was aware how my voice was also being lost. Speaking felt difficult, but I felt as though I adapted. I walked slowly but it didn’t feel slow, yet I couldn’t keep up with others so much. People seemed to comment on my low voice more than normal even though I felt like I was projecting and tried to make a conscious effort to speak more loudly which seemed to fail. My mind was slow. Responses, even I was surprised that I knew what they were saying. I almost seemed to respond in a well reasoned way, quickly, a bit quick witted and sarcastically perhaps, but at once…distant. I felt vacant. I was there, very there. And at once in a bubble perhaps…When did that start? From the beginning? Perhaps I don’t know what happened. What else? Feeling cold. So cold. My hands and feet falling asleep. If I were to sit one way too long with my legs crossed and say foot against my other leg it would fall asleep, leaning my arm on something to where my wrist hit, my hands would fall asleep. I had to keep shifting so that it would go away. Any place too long would cause this it seemed. I spoke to Thomas about it, and he said that yeah if you’re not getting enough to eat of course.

How I felt a burden to others. How I couldn’t just relate and be with them. Too often it just fell on my illness, particularly with the other females anyways. With the guys not so much, though there were times. I don’t know how to communicate with people for the most part anyways but that just made me wonder more so what it would be like. It gave a topic of conversation but what would it be like without that. Without that seeming to be my identity. I don’t want it to be my identity..At once it was a sort of relief to talk about it as if I wanted someone to help, but still…Nothing. Or nothing got through to me. What is this? My fault? Or was it just true illness. I can see it as the illness but what is sad and confusing is the people talking to me in hopes I would some how just wake up out of it…At least that is how it is perceived. I wanted to so badly. At once I know that’s not how it works..Even Damon knew that. He said it was a waste of time, he knew I’d heard all that stuff probably so many times but it would really come down to me being able to act on it…but at once… How? it’s so scary and confusing…And this just had me think of that episode of Oprah with Rudine… With her face twisted in heart ache and sadness. Wanting to know “How” Asking Tracy Gold, “How, but how? I can’t do it.” That was just heart wrenching, but I can so relate to that. How? I don’t know how. I had no idea. I was given mercy and grace by God. I got sick, a cold, a fever, sort throat, what ever it was. It felt like it might kill me. With the weather as it was in New York, and that combined, my body could not take it. I felt like I was going to pass out even sitting down. I felt I might die. With that, the ED was somehow quieted. God used that. It was like that primal survival instinct the ED hates so much. The will to live even when cognitively at once I don’t want to live. The body despite the mind wanting to live, as Mita said in Kaseifu no Mita. It was quiet. I was relieved. I was some how able to eat. I didn’t even understand it. No yelling, no confusion, no guilt of sorts, though fear in a way it would hit or come back at any time with physical ramifications to boot. I wasn’t completely gone, especially after I started to feel better from the food, but it was a start, a break through. What of things now?

What is this now? I don’t know what I am living in exactly. What is this? Where am I going? I want to be free from the ED do I not? Yes. Or well do I want to be free from the anxiety and pain? Are they not one in the same? My mind draws a blank as the ED just tries to confuse perhaps. It doesn’t want me to know, to consider. But on some level I know that is the truth even if it doesn’t want me to know, even if there seems to be cognitive dissonance and it wants me to fall prey to its tricks. Of course it does. Why am I so afraid to change when at the same time I reread Brave Girl Eating and want to cry and mourn a life I never knew, of what possibilities could have happened. At once I want to not regret what has happened. God allowed it all for a purpose and for me to receive Salvation. For that I can be grateful. For this all as well then too. Like Pastor Ko told me, it’s okay to waste time, it’s not really wasting time if you have faith. Wasting time without faith though..Well yeah that is just wasting time perhaps, but with faith… Despite all this I can have hope.


I have this yearning desire to write out things, and possibly imagine things I would like to do if I didn’t have an eating disorder. It feels so conflicted as it seems even beyond the ED, I feel guilt as if they should not be desired. Perhaps it is the ED conflagrating things beyond what the are meant, or those things them selves in some sense are arrant and/or not a stead fast rule to be kept one hundred percent of the time.

I have been rereading Brave Girl Eating and it makes me feel so very emotional and sad for some reason. It makes me want to cry and mourn over the possible life I could have had. The things I missed out on. I don’t even know what they would be and again there is conflict as it says there isn’t anything I should have wanted to do. That what I have done was right…staying in the ED, worrying about these things; while my actions were not right, while I still got fat and screwed up a bunch of things at least I came back to it. Oh god, this sounds deluded doesn’t it?

I wonder what would have happened. I read Harriet Browns words as she so elegantly conceptualizes things and really understands. I suppose part of me wishes my own mother could have done the same. It makes me sad, that while my mother loves me…It was not enough. I was not able to get better, I have lived within this deranged mind set for almost ten years now. I don’t really remember what it was like to have a normal “relationship” with food. What was that like? Do I not remember or is it simply trying to prevent me from wanting to recall? Is it because while prior to the ED I had an actual happy existence with food? When my mom talked to me on the phone before over how people at church didn’t get it and how I wanted to eat but couldn’t I was actually shocked by what my mom said, “Of course you want to eat. Kianni, I KNOW you. I watched you grow up. You loved to eat. But you don’t want to eat now because it makes you anxious.” At once I wanted to cry at the as well. I loved to eat? What was that like? Was I happy? Was I just able to eat and not think about it? How sad I wasn’t able to appreciate it at the time. Well I was a child though… How sad. Yet how my mom seemed to know this. And yet it reminds me of one part of Harriet Brown’s book. Where she said she was appalled by her own acceptance of the seeming new normal, when Kitty didn’t want to eat cake, thinking “Of course she doesn’t want to eat cake” or “of course she doesn’t want to eat…” whatever perceived fattening food it was. When she had known her daughter until that very age where that was very much the case. That is what is scary. Perhaps on some level that is what bothers me too when people meet me or know me. They just think on some level it is a food preference. It is not a preference in that way. Not like they think. It is a terror, driving one from one thing to another out of seeming necessity.

When my friends and the like say things like, “Just eat ‘healthy'” or “Eat the non-fattening food.” How much they don’t realize that strikes guilt and horror within my own mind. They’re feeding into the idea that what the ED says is correct. That it is right. Then that if I don’t do those things I am horrible and wrong and certainly will get fat(ter). When it’s an “of course you don’t want” what ever fattening food it is, associating it with me myself and how I shouldn’t. Because that is apparently how it should be…isn’t it? No. All sorts of mind bending here. What is this? Eating disordered derangement that is what. It almost makes one want to resign into a state of hopelessness. Wanting to just curl up and cry. No one else expects you to, nor seems to want you to branch out and change. Resignation. After all it’s not their life. They also have no idea. They don’t understand the imprisonment. On some level perhaps I wouldn’t have either, after all, those whom do not move, do not notice their chains…. Yet on some level you do. With anorexia, you are chained, and you may not move, but it is like the water is rising within the cage you are trapped in. When you struggle, then you notice but cannot break free. You sputter and cough until you are fully immersed and drowning, gasping, flailing with no power to leave but praying to God some one will notice. All the while it is like others may be around you point, yelling, saying, “Are you stupid? Just get out. Just eat. Idiot. Why can’t you just get out?”

They don’t realize you are chained, stuck. Or maybe they don’t believe you. Whatever the case, most of the time it seems ones own fear and pain is belittled, seen as self imposed. Well yes, if only I was strong enough to break out of this. You wish you could. You hate yourself more. You doubt yourself, but then with that figure you perhaps should then just drown and die if you’re such an idiot.

It’s not just that, but when it effect those around you. Also compounded by the fact that between those times of drowning, you more or less really do seem to think you feel okay. For whatever reason, even now, despite it only being a month or so ago have no idea how that works. Physiologically or psychologically. I remember being in New York, in the Bronx, out side of one of the subways stations near a college telling my team mates how I felt physically okay, how I felt okay, and at once I knew I shouldn’t, but that was all the more distressing. I felt okay. So if I felt okay then maybe I was wrong that I should feel ill but wasn’t, so just accept it and move on. I didn’t have to eat because I felt okay; what was the point? It was distressing but almost mirrors like right now when I feel okay and am at once distressed. Maybe that is what also puts doubt in me now when it comes to eating, because when I feel okay…What do I know? I was okay back then. I think so. That is I felt okay. What else is there? I was also highly distressed at once wanting to scream. Perhaps like if one was chained and the water was rising, you are okay. Physically nothing is wrong or seems wrong . The water is *just* rising. You’re okay right? Until you’re not. At once if one is drowning and panicking, as Mark Freeman mentioned you would see all sorts of things wrong with their brain chemically, when walking about how Mental Illness is Like Downing, being flooded and going crazy in comparison to a “normal” brain not reacting to being drowned.

I think the ED is trying to detract again and get me to not imagine what there is I would like to do, a future without it. It says that wanting anything is disgusting. One thing I don’t understand actually is how when I told Minister Hong and/or Kristi samonim how I view eating as shameful they say it is not the case. Particularly when eating around others. Within view of others. Showing, admitting you apparently and willingly have desires. It is disgusting to me. For me to want. I view my existence as flawed and as such when I want anything, it is an inconvenience and one that should not be there. When in New York and on the no money witness trip, I wouldn’t eat, others would, all the food would be gone. It was like further proof; See, they ate it all they apparently needed or wanted it all. You partaking would have taken from others whom would actually be worth feeding. You are to fat. You don’t need it. Why would you take from them? You’re horrible.

Of course this on some level is probably all some sort of eating disordered vitrol made up by the cognitive mind. How our minds create narratives for us to make sense of things. I don’t view it as shameful for other people to eat. I don’t give a shit if other people eat though. Maybe that’s why. It’s just selfish. Whatever it is though, the ED will just use anything to try to be right, to keep me away and isolated from anything else but it. It wants me to worship it. For it to be my God, follow its every word and do only its will. Its rewards are in itself. How twisted is that. It has me think of the verse in the Bible where God tells Abraham, that He is his shield and exceedingly great reward. Yet EDs are not a reward or shield…they act as a shield…a prison… They are only a reward to those whom are brain washed by them. From the outside they are only pitiful. But isn’t that with anything? It is trying to deceive me confusingly so by saying isn’t that how people view those that also believe in God? Ones own thoughts, within ones own thoughts people believe themselves and their rightness. But at once only believing the ED…What is this. Confusion. Why do I keep trying to affirm what it thinks and building on it’s basis? That is one thing I think too much people do when speaking to someone with an ED at times. When they speak, they ask the ED perspective. Sometimes it need to be walked out, that is, the persons mind, not the EDs, which needs to be reminded at times, to have the real them, the rational side as in a knee jerk effect sort of way, one can bring out the ED logic which for so long was just the ED speaking first or being reiterated as it was seen to be correct for so long.

I am so weak in being able to fight my ED. At once if feels rigorous. That sort of mental gymnastics having to jump through hoops, analyze and double guess, wonder. Try to out smart it while wondering if it already took into account that one up and reassess again…but at once, what about just facing it head on? I have God on my side and no one can defeat that. At once, which is the way God will have me go? By faith, that is the correct answer, but what that looks like is variable.

How do I verify that having hopes and desires is not disgusting? or that is, even if it is, what is God’s heart? I feel so confused when people say to deny our own ambitions and desires and follow God. it makes me feel as though wanting anything should be thrown away. Any hope for happiness that is. This is arrant though. Or on some level I perceive it to be, but can’t quite see how. I want to dare to have desire for things beyond what the ED will permiss, but how? Actually it is like they are there however to say them feels cruel. How is it I can write them and not say what the ED says about such things. Aferring that I would like something without the side note of massive guilt that the ED tells me only compounds more seeming shame even though something tells me it is nothing to be ashamed of and why do you have to do that reassurance to let others know that you are still sick or are really guilty? Is it even for others or is for the ED though? To abate the guilt. Much like how in Brave Girl Eating, Harriet Brown would tried to esuage Kitty’s guilt, while the ED would torture her at once saying “I made you eat the bowl of cereal”. At once… What do I desire. Part of me says I shouldn’t include what the ED says, but at once I want people to know it is difficult. I feel invalid, my struggle feels less real if others don’t know. An ED lie perhaps. I am stuggling now to figure out if I should write it. What is it I would like to do? Small things come to mind. Small pathetic things along with the plethora of “why?”s

I want to be able to celebrate my birthday. For almost ten years now birthdays have been a source of pain and misery. Contempt. Hating my Dad every year because he wants to “celebrate” while my misery builds up cursing him for making me act “normal” going out to eat where I’d like to just kill myself. How my mom and Gramm will push and ask what I want to do, and I in frustration say “NOTHING. I don’t want to do ANYTHING.” With building frustration because while I want to do something, what is there I can do? There is nothing. All of it is just filled with guilt and misery.

I want to be able to eat a piece of birthday cake; Why? That is disgusting and unnecessary? Because it is normal: Who gives a shit about normal? What is the point of being “normal” what does it accomplish? What does not doing it accomplish…
Not being fat.
Being miserable?
Let go of all desire. If you didn’t want, you wouldn’t hurt.
I hate you.

I want to be able to eat at Thanksgiving this year without worrying about food. To have happiness and contentment. Sadly the closest I can remember this being was when I drank last year at Auntie Shelley’s birthday. The alcohol subdued my anxiety. Not completely. I would feel it rise, and go, “Oh my god” but then when it would almost hit that peak to hit worry, would ebb downward in a sort of “Eh not worth it”, but would rise and fall back and forth much like the rhythm of the ocean at sea.

Hell, wouldn’t I want that at any time, not just Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other time? What would it be like to just eat? How pathetic says the ED. What ELSE would you do? How can you just eat and not worry or think? At once, wouldn’t that make you so ungrateful to just eat? Without thinking.

No, without over analyzing and misconstruing.


Yes, well…

That’s all I’ve got right now. Really. I mean I think my experience is so limited I don’t really know what else there would be. Having fun and hanging out with friends comes to mind but at once what that would be like and having not experienced it I have no idea. Again the ED says what a vapid stupid waste of pathetic time. Idiotic happiness. How pitiful.

More pitiful than a person home alone in their room worrying over food? Why do you think of it as something noble and pious? You’re pathetic.

Conversely I think the same.


Ramblings # something

I feel like I am losing the point of my existence. Or that is, my focal point as to what it is supposed to be right now, going towards. I think I am getting too secure with my routine and not wanting to do other stuff, telling myself that once I get to therapy I will branch out. That once the Department of Rehabilitation finally sends me that letter, and appointment and job hunt starts then I’ll go out. I mean, I am pretty sure I will, but in the interim, perhaps I am being to latent. Or I am being impatient. Perhaps a bit of both.

This is quite a confusing predicament. That is, I’ve come to realize how I am uncomfortable with feeling okay, such as that for instance when my brain feels horrible and wants me to cut myself/ self-harm in order to feel better and “get it over with”, it would also seemingly want me to break some ED rules and eat something that would make me uncomfortable and “too much”, as it would also see that as self harm. It sees eating as harming myself so it’d be okay with it. Then berate me over it and me distress and cry…and then feel better or wait for it to go away after a while in any case (or not) in which things would seem “normal”. How feeling horrible feels horrible and at once wanting it to go away, but it seems similar…. But then when feeling okay and perseverating over it, feels extremely uncomfortable. Yet being able to distract and go away from it, it can feel okay. Actually okay perhaps. What is scary often though is how when all that time stops, often in a whirlwind like feeling, it slowly or not so slowly dissipates like sand from an hour glass and feels horridly uncomfortable. Perhaps though in that whole time I wasn’t particularly relaxed like I think, more like frenetically trying to pull away. I am thinking about my breathing and body tenseness in such times. Actually it’s not “relaxed” but a sort of relief and being afraid and/or running away in a sense, perhaps because it’s on edge about having to return back to that other state. Real calmness, I am feeling slightly differently, the alteration in my breathing, the tight feeling in my chest I perhaps haven’t even realized has been there so long because it was what was the norm.

Last week or so I had this feeling in my head, as if pressure was being released. While my mind felt at ease and calm, at once there was an agonizing pain. Much like after one has been crushed under a huge weight and then that weight is slowly lifted, or that part of your body is slowly squeezed out and how the blood rushing back and life enervating feels agonizing; but necessary. This is how that felt. It was a hurt, but in a way, I felt it to be one of necessity. When nerves grow back it hurts, correct? If they were dead there would be no pain, correct? Perhaps it is like that. What I was feeling and am on some sense continue to. When I think about myself, I don’t think I am damaged, however on some level know I am. Or apparently am. I don’t feel it per say because it is how I live, only when things start to change is when the difference is noticed. I mean yes there are times, actually many times per day when something hurts, and I realize it, but for me it seems like it has to get to that point to be addressed and only eased to just not so noticeable or kind of gone but never really addressed; that is before anyways. Now, having the time, I am able to try to work on these things now. My mornings now after my walking and such I have spent trying different stretches and myofacial release techniques, nerve flossing, videos online and my “Basic Clinical Massage Therapy” book, while laying on my foam roller to release the tension in my abdominals that has been there for so long and never relieved nor attended completely; while on some level before I knew it was there, there was again that “but that’s how it’s been so that is how it should be. Even if it hurts” or “normal people don’t…” but well. I’m not “normal” right now perhaps, or even if I am, maybe they do and I don’t know. “Normal” people would have been more attuned and not let such things stop them perhaps. Or maybe, like is often the case, “normal” or the majority is not the best way to follow anyways.

I can be grateful God has given me this wisdom and time to heal.

Okay, not so anxious now and my brain seems to have blurted all it wants for now.

Mini Ramble before my daily walk in the fresh air.

Man, I am in a weird state right now. In a way it feels good because it’s like the struggle in trying to figure out something before you get it. Hopefully I get it… That is, increasingly choosing meals or snacks, etc. is really distressing. That is, I don’t know what *I* want.

Actually this is making me think of Mark Freeman’s Stockholm Syndrome video. Take just a few minutes ago. I had to pick breakfast. There was my usual, and then there is not. So I think I’ll have one of my other almost usuals, that I sometimes swap in despite some anxiety, I’ve done it before, almost once a week for a while: but usually only on Saturdays. In any case, when I was choosing today it just got all scary and confusing:

What do I want.
I want the different one.
Because I should have the different one.
Because you shouldn’t keep having the same thing everyday.
But isn’t that just as rigid needing to change it? What about your usual?
But I don’t want that.
Because I don’t think it will feel right.
But why?
Because I need something different?
Because I need to pick something different. If I pick the same thing everyday it is apparently disordered.
But what if you really do want your usual even if before it was just something you had to do to make it simpler and not have to think and no arguing and round about situations like this?…Or, what if you just want it because it is your usual and simpler and you don’t have to think about it and worry, because even if it is “wrong” it is “right”?

Oh my god. I did this similarly at dinner last night. And when I went to the supermarket for Grampa and he told me to “get what I want” and I wanted to get cereal, but then didn’t know what cereal other than the one safe ED cereal but then didn’t want to get it because it was the safe ED cereal, but then couldn’t pick anything, which the ED would like better saying I shouldn’t eat any of it, then picking the safe ED cereal, then going back and forth at least five times to pick it up and put it back. Then finally just got it. Sigh.

In any case though I think I have gotten better at not perseverating over these choices. The ED wants to kill me with anxiety over worrying about what I did, yet it’s like God has given me the Grace to move forward in it. Yeah, there is still some anxiety and stress there, but loads less than years or perhaps even months prior.

Quite frustrating though, but the only way out is through I suppose.

Things I want to work on

One comes to mind right now as it is blaring in my mind.

Right now when it comes to eating I feels this confusion as to what is “right”. What does my body want, or rather need. What is the difference between that and what my mind wants? Why does this feeling keep vacillating? It was actually my body would it not be finite in the moment and stop wavering? Wouldn’t it stop going between certain external textures, and thoughts, and more towards macro and micro nutrients because it doesn’t really know the difference? Does it even matter when I pick because it is *just* my mind that is going crazy stressing out then? Yeah, basically I just pick something now knowing one side will say it doesn’t feel “right”.

What I want to do now is open my mind up to accepting the fact that there is not necessarily one “right” way to feel after I eat. That is, when I eat something, my mind often has this idea of how I should feel physically and or psychologically after I eat. Anything else and it is “wrong” which it states as feeling physically bad. When in fact I may actually not be feeling physically uncomfortable, but that in itself my be very psychologically uncomfortable. A certain amount of discomfort, pressure, bloating, etc. is what my ED seems to like. Making me know I did something “bad” and if I don’t feel physically bad then well, all the more psychological torture should insure according to the ED. That is, all of the “What ifs” What if since you don’t feel sick you keep eating more? What if you do actually feel sick and can’t feel it and it is destroying your insides, you are too full but you just don’t know it and then eat more and make the pain even worse once it does actually start to register? What if you get hungry before you are supposed to and/or feel hunger which isn’t real and are too full and cause that horrible gross bloated feeling which means you ate to much but then can’t stop eating and continually feel horribly full, gross and bloated but then your mind holds onto the idea of that is how you should feel? (Irony right there, right?).

I don’t have to feel a certain way after I eat. I don’t even know how to describe this. I think feeling one way or another after I eat is often predicated by knowing if and when I do eat something different. I often wonder recently how people can just eat something spur of the moment or say when offered something different at breakfast and eat it, then move on. How is it they don’t worry? How is it they are okay? How do they feel physically? Perhaps that doesn’t register to them. Or perhaps the psychological is simply not screwing with them like it does me. Is it that they are wholly not so attuned to their bodies like I am or is it that I am so overly focused that it completely screws up my ability to be attuned? What the ED and OCD seem to try to do is assess by external cues and what things look like. When that is not really how it works. One food looks like this, one looks like that… One can put something solid in a blender though and drink it and ones body wouldn’t really know the difference perhaps on a nutritional level. Digestive perhaps, depending variably, but what my mind is so focused on is how things look different. Are different. Afraid of how my body will react and as such my mind is what is really freaked out, causing a visceral feeling of fear and unrest. At least this is what I am assuming is the case as of now.

I don’t know how else to explain it other then I want to feel okay after I eat with feeling different ways. Perhaps that is also to say different levels of fullness afterwards? Or wellness? Satiety? What is it exactly? My mind wants there to be a preciseness, so that when I eat the next time will be well calculated and executed well. It also wants flexibility though too. Well flexibility in that eating later would be accepted (but not too late!) but never earlier than would be acceptable.

I find myself having to repeat to myself, “Different isn’t wrong. Feeling different isn’t wrong.” After I eat, when ever I eat, which is amusing because that basically means when ever I eat it is well, “Different”.

I think it is also this worry that if I was feeling okay before, then wouldn’t intaking something change that into feeling not okay? Shouldn’t I have to wait to feel unwell until I am able to eat and correct that?

One thing that comes to mind though was on CalorieCount, I believe someone, perhaps Linden told one other person whom had an ED that it was a problem that they thought they had to be hungry to eat a sandwich; that most people eat a sandwich/ lunch because they want to avoid hunger which they find extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable. That is one thing that was highlighted to me. Oh, people want to eat to avoid those feelings, not to stop putting up with it after agonizing and itching to get rid of it for a while? That was odd to me. I was operating on the idea that others were at least, simply better at dealing with hunger than I am and were simply stronger than me, while I was weak and stupid because I was not able to concentrate on anything and would need to simply exert more will power and get through it. Well is that not part of it though too… When obsessing and thinking such things are so important and being afraid you will eat and making it worse by obsessing thinking about how you will eat or might eat? What ever.

Back to the previous point of feeling like “I feel okay now and if I eat it will mess it up” well over the last few days to week I have reflected and have challenged it in a way. Rather than assuming if I add or subtract something that one thing will be “bad”, to see how one actually reacts instead. Which is surprising. I think this was actually highlighted to me when I went that one day with Kristi samonim for Cantata work and we had Chipotle. I was feeling all tied up in knots, bloated and unhungry. Wanting to just have a drink or whatever, even if it had calories to pacify that. She was more adamant we have real food. So she said just try the burrito. I was under the impression I would have to eat it and like so many times before just feel bloated and tight and gross, wishing and wondering why I had done that when I knew it was “wrong”. Yet upon a few bites, that did not happen and I was surprised. What was this? Was this feeling I then had even real? With that I think I was more open to what might actually be and challenging it.

That is another thing which comes to mind now. People say one does not have to believe the thoughts which they have, and will often accuse me of simply following my thoughts because they are there. What they perhaps do not realize is what I am feeling is not seemingly the thoughts, but what is actually a visceral reaction. What if my body is physically feeling something? Or in the least it seems to be? Like when one needs to urinate, you will run to the bathroom. Much like when I get urges to exercise and move, would it not be of the same sort of thing? It feels wrong to not do so in such cases. At once though just like the other example about it would probably surmount to the same thing. Also in my original thought of trying to say, “It’s okay to feel different” What ever that different is. In actuality, whether it actually feels different or whether it is my simple awareness that causes this feeling of it being different, well. Yeah. That is all part of it I would suppose.

I would like to be more flexible in what I do and yet that would also feel so stressful. One having to learn how to balance all things out. Yet that is disordered in that it simply wants one concrete, finite “right” in which to live day in and day out. Or even if it were varied from day to day somehow but were “right” and balance, but set and clearly given in a way, it might be okay. Well maybe not, I can feel my mind wanting to run from that. Well that is, it does not want intuition. It wants rules. Which is then I suppose what I should flee from. As I was discussing earlier with someone on Instagram, how the ED/OCD want rules, but in reality what is “right” is variable from situation to situation and takes practice. What is “right” also is that it isn’t necessarily “right” or to say one could perhaps get a 100% in something as it would be a grey area as it being “right” would be in context of what preceded and what is to come, which is well, unforeseen or in the least not yet to have been done.

I have all of these thoughts in my brain yet I haven’t an idea really where it is goines. I have the ability now to sit here and type which is great. I have so often prior just been afraid and trying to ditract while still worrying. Like I said before though, trying to accept that feeling different is okay. which ironically or not then when actually moving forward in that makes it so, while the converse also makes itself so in a way. There is what we think is and then there is reality, but what is in our minds, pertains to ones subjective reality…

So what I’ve realized in a sense is that rather than focusing on all the “what ifs” and being afraid of what was, what is, what will be, to focus on how things actually are and go on despite what is going on, or what my brain wants to focus on in terms of possible uncertainties. I don’t think I realized before how I would do this. Or that is, how I was allowed to not do this. For so long it felt like what I had to do was worry about them. As if that magical thinking would in fact due something when in reality it only detracted from what was in the present. I understand a lot more now when Mark Freeman spoke about how we get very good at automatically judging things in our minds and we may not even realize it. When I make so much as any move now I am able to start noticing these judgments in a more audible voice within my minds. “Why are you doing that?” “You can’t do that?” and other things which might just come off as twinges and feelings but I can actually question or realize, “Wait I don’t have to do that.” or “I can do that if I want.” When I talk about this too it isn’t just larger things or what might just seem small to some, but then small or perhaps almost microscopic like things to other perhaps in wondering why I am breathing or feeling something. When I say breathing, I mean like when I am breathing shallow and it is uncomfortable, and it would be easier and nicer to let go, but it saying I shouldn’t “Why not” “because that’s not what you normally do.” But then realizing I can breath one way or the other, and if I want to feel better, I can change and that I don’t have to want to feel bad simply because I hadn’t before or the idea that I shouldn’t be feeling one way “therefore I don’t.” Which is ridiculous or saying that other people don’t do that or feel that so it is wrong. In actuality that is wrong. I have to wonder how many other people actually come across such things like this or what I am doing and feeling now is just bizarre. I have to imagine that while it may be bizarre for “normal” people on one end many other people with anxiety perhaps experience the same sort of thing; which leads me to wonder why no one ever seems to speak about it or in the least now which I have come across, however when I do find myself aware of certain things more I am often able to seemingly come across it more, or in the least be aware it is there, while perhaps before have been dismissive and/or anxious to stop, realize, understand. Which is sad in a way. In any case, not that that anxiety of initial “This feels wrong because it is different” has passed and I want to get up and do something else; albeit a bit is out of anxiety of sitting in my chair. For instance right now I just realized the way I was sitting was hurting and uncomfortable and I shifted. I was able to do that because it was previously saying well yeah it hurts but that is how it is supposed to be because that is just how it is and why would you want to change(?) when I realized, hey no, it doesn’t have to hurt I don’t have to sit like that I can actually move. Just because I was sitting like that doesn’t mean I have to always. Weird how I get stuck like that sometimes while others I constantly shift…? What ever. In any case, want to go do something else now, perhaps though in a sense to abate anxiety, but I also know I don’t want to keep my focus on worrying about what will happen even though if feels like on some level my mind is still worrying about what will happen until lunch time and wants to make me not think about food in case I worry about food and eat before lunch, wanting to just “get it over with” but then be berated over how I did so too early and then worry perpetually there after. I don’t have to worry in actuality, to “Get it over with” can accept it when the time comes and deal with it when it comes and until then focus on something else worth my while, not sucking the life from my soul. Well yeah. It takes practice though. It also wants to berate me when I *can’t* do it as though I should simply then give up, however that also does not makes sense as then I would never accomplish anything. In that sense when I stretch now it is also helping to try to work on actually feeling the stretch rather than worrying about doing it “right” in some other sense which accomplishes nothing as far as actually remedying my bodies aches and pains. I think I will either vacuum my room now and/or then go and stretch, because well I’ve been putting off the vacuuming for weird anxiety reasons and then well stretching has me feel a bit anxious as if I am wasting time and getting fat, doing something which accomplishes nothing, but that would possibly fall under the category of most things in life in a way. You live, you die. To what end. Well that is cheery, aha. Well but if we are living in that one sense, then why not do what is in your best interest and according to ones values and faith.

Yep. Okay then. I am trying to wait for it to feel “right” when I end this which will perhaps never come, which reminds me of the fact my next post or so I wanted to be able to illustrate in some how that “right” feels when it comes to certain things and likening it to other certain actions which people do.

There we go. Good stopping point there. Does it feel “right?” Perhaps not but well nothing does recently and oh wait, it’s okay for things to feel different, correct? Yes? Well lets see how it goes and than nothing actually goes wrong like so many times before. I am waiting for frustration to build actually so I stop, but what happens if I stop before that? It’s okay, it’s okay to feel different. Or well, try and see. “but what if” oh look am I stuck in that again?” Well what if. Well we need to find out don’t we. No. wait what? The end.

Thoughts and dares to wish and/or hope perhaps

Part of me wished I could be one of those people that could just get up, go somewhere on a walk, grab a coffee and donut, and go on with the day. Sit somewhere with that coffee and/or donut while reading the newspaper, doing the crossword or reading a book and truly just relax. Not worrying or wondering how long I’ve been there and getting antsy, or freaking out about the coffee and carb fat bomb that is going with it. Wondering what should be in that coffee and feeling it’d only be okay if it was black. Not having to worry about what I have to do next to counterbalance this particular space in time and always having to worry about what to do next after that. None of it can just be or not have to have some other sort of conscious counterbalance. Logically one would think that this should be intuitive. Yet it’s not. I mean for some it is, apparently. If I look at the skinny older men whom I see at donut shops and the like at times, doing what I just described (oh joy my joy is doing that which older men seem to enjoy), but then there are also those that are really overweight and doing the same. So perhaps “intuitive” in some sense or what they like to do but not mutually correlated to, well, their health. More precisely their body size. Of course that is only one piece of the puzzle, I don’t know what they do the rest of the day. Much like when I eat in public and one simply seeing me wouldn’t know what it is actually like in my mind or how much turmoil goes on around food, despite it possibly seeming so normal and/or natural.
I rewatched/ listened to the documentary “Thin” earlier and watched towards the end when Shelly was waiting for her flight back home. She was eating a bagel while sitting in the airport. That scene stuck out to me, because for those watching the documentary and “knew” it seems like quite a sharp scene, but to anyone else around, she’s just some person who is eating a bagel. Like people do. “What’s the big deal?” but really it is. When watching that few second I wondered what was going on in her mind. How much it may have hurt in those moments for her. For me it hurts in some sense when I eat in public. It feels so shameful in one sense, but in another so fake. How it can seem so normal and I can seem so okay while it hurts. I don’t want other people to think it is okay when it’s not. It is as though I am lying. I don’t want to put off a fake persona. When I was in New York even, I roomed with two teenagers. I didn’t want them to think my body shape or anything was healthy. I made it a point of telling them I had/have anorexia. I don’t want to lie or put out some sort of fake idea of what I do or what I am is healthy or to be desired. Samonim asked me the other day why it was I was so open, or how she found it a bit odd; that if she had the same thing she would probably have tried to hide it and asked it others with EDs generally are as open like me. From what others have told me, many are very secretive and don’t want others to find out. For me though, it’s also been about ten years. So I told her a few aspects: For one thing there is no point in lying. It just makes things unnecessarily complicated and I just don’t get it. I also tell people and am open because I want to be aware of other perspective. I want to see what they have to say on it, though a lot of the times it is the same sort of things and I sigh at misconceptions. Other times though there can be great conversations. Another part I didn’t tell her, and thought of a while later was the fact that when I am just open with it, then it really holds no power over me in a way. That is it takes away the stigma or uncomfortableness. However the ED probably uses that in a bad way of having no shame when people know and I basically don’t care if they think it is weird or whatever. It’s just a sort of outright defiance. Part of that is kind of scary in that it is like the ED has become part of my identity more so. More overtly. All these years it has been my identity; however those around me didn’t seem to view it as my identity. Earlier this year Gramm said something which seemed to imply she didn’t think I even *still* had an eating disorder. Which well, I found horrifying. Albeit she does not understand and just seems to think it is “anxiety” which is correct to a point but she doesn’t/didn’t seem to understand how it was all food, fear of gaining weight and what not related. She probably still doesn’t understand that. However she doesn’t make it very easy to open up to her. When I did make the mistake of opening up to her earlier this year or so, almost crying on her bed, my voice cracking admitting I was afraid of doing stuff because I was afraid of gaining weight she said, “Oh god, you’re still on that anorexic shit.” At which I felt horrible after, and I don’t know what I did right thereafter, but went on a walk and texted and talked on the phone with my friend, feeling sad.
I don’t want this eating disorder to be my identity. I feel like while I have on some sense really distanced myself from it, or in the least started to, in some ways I feel deceived. I don’t know in what obviously, but it is more than likely far more insidious in some aspect than I realize. Perhaps it is because I am so aiming to lower my anxiety a lot of the time and feel okay, at which the ED may be using that. What am I doing? Well I want to recover. I want to recover but I don’t want to gain weight. I want my brain to function normally. Well then if it did perhaps I would want to gain weight and life and so forth. Of course one has to generally gain first and then the normal brain function will follow. Of course I worry my “normal” brain function is that filled with anxiety and OCD obsessions, however this time my perspective would be different and would be that of truly overcoming. Maybe I am just tired and don’t want to deal with that. Yet if I don’t move forward it’d be staying the same in this same perpetual turmoil, with no point. With the other at least there is prospect of increased wellness and sense of being.

I want to not have an eating disorder however I want to in some sense still have certain aspects or freedoms…However maybe that is confusing because I associate choice and freedom with my ED. That is, I feel freer in some sense, “doing what I want” and overcoming scary rules through my ED. That is when it is more separate from the OCD perhaps? Yet I can also have such freedom free from both. Perhaps. Maybe I’ve not really known what that is. How many judgments and what not flow through my mind, is crazy. I hadn’t noted it before, but now I think I understand on some level what Mark Freeman was talking about in that it becomes automatic. How I wish I could just be free. How I wish I could just change and do things at a whim and move on with purpose, or at least not with fear and anxiety as though everything has to have a purpose set forth and when it doesn’t everything feels horrible and disgusting, a waste of existence. How is this now… I don’t even think I know what I am saying now. How I just yearn on some level to wake up tomorrow morning, wake up, get up and go with ease and have some purpose to move towards. With fluidity and assurance, peace of mind. Not having to think about it or wondering why or what. Just…being? That seems wrong. But with…Something. I don’t know. Sigh.

Part of me also realized today that I keep trying to pick foods or what not based on what feels safe. Particularly when out if I “need” to have a snack it is agonizing. I don’t want to keep having to buy stuff while out, but I have yet found anything “safe” which I can take and have. It’s complicated, but it’s not just calories. However something occurred to me earlier of: why am I trying to decide what to eat based on what is safe? Isn’t that just pandering to the ED? Why not just have what I want and move on. Time will go on anyways even as your brain screams in agony. And you’re kind of used to that anyways right? However you don’t want to be…yet even when you’re not, you are often tortured by that right? Yes. However what it is that I would want despite that anxiety, despite it perhaps not feeling safe. It is scary to try and find out what that is. Also like the idea of having ambitions or desires in general perhaps. People have lists of things they’d like to do as they recover or after they recover. For me it often feels too scary to have such desire. For one thing it says I shouldn’t have such. After all, it will just cause pain. You know my church talks a lot about throwing away thoughts. A lot of the time I say I don’t understand because I just don’t get it. It’s not like I try to hold onto the thoughts, it is more like they stick. However when I look at how the ED manipulates me, that is what it has me do. It has what it wants and then on occasion something else shows up contrary to it. I may try to go towards it but that is when horrible anxiety occurs. Let it go it says. Let it go. If you don’t you will only suffer. If at times I follow it through, and it berates me, followed by a “see, I told you. That’s why you shouldn’t have done it. If you just hadn’t, I would have left you alone. No pain.” Another time the contrary thought to it shows up, I almost want to go that way. Same thing “No, just let it go. Let it go and we won’t have conflict. If you let go of your desire you will be happy. Just let it go. There you go, see. No pain. No want, no worry. Just let it go and feel at peace.” It is much easier when one is a compliant…victim. Victim? I’d not like to think so. However…What is this. Sigh. I want to be able to have aspirations and dreams. What happened to that hope? It is still there. It’s just…scared. Or I am scared in a way. Wanting to toe the line, perhaps dare to be scared and have dreams. It’s scary because it feels cruel to have desire when someone is wanting to constantly dash them…What is this? Sigh.

*Trigger Warning* Which no that shouldn’t make you want to read this more

I am going to be discussing a particular behavior I want to stop. Which I just did and which is really annoying and distressing to me in a way, but at once my mind apparently tries to make it seem okay. Calorie levels will also be mentioned, and yeah.


So I want to stop chewing and spitting. I seem to go only one day at most without doing this recently. It’s really annoying. Basically I seem to do it though when I feel like I want to eat, but if I were to eat would cause all sorts of psychological and perceived physical turmoil. My mind tries to say it is some half way point between “at least I am not binging” and “hey at least I am almost considering eating it. Almost. Maybe. Not really. Well almost”.

My calorie level is averaging around 1600, probably no more. Or rather when I calculate it won’t really go any higher and then if something threatens it to is often when I chew and spit. Or anything outside of times I am “allowed” to eat. Which in some sense has broadened greatly, but that also would seem to be why it would be more distressing at the thought to eat outside the times then.

My mind is also getting really annoyed by food choices no matter what I eat. For instance the idea of trying a fear food today: Asking Gramm if she wanted to go and get an ice cream cone, but then I worry about the exact serving size of said item and knowing it’d probably average around 180 to 200. I mean okay, it’d be an ice cream cone where the ice cream is 150 per half cup of Thrifty’s ice cream. Then add the cone. And then I fear that a scoop is much more than half a cup some how. I don’t really know. So then in any case I had my snack just now basically. An apple and a tbsp. of peanut butter (which I drain the oil off the top before I stir the jar). I then think to myself, damn it, this freken had about as many calories as an ice cream cone. Never mind factoring in spending money and emotional turmoil, etc…Well, yeah. But in either case my mind wants me to regret. If I eat something “healthy” it gets pissed off with this “What is the point of getting fat on healthy foods? If you gain weight may as well be on food that are known for making people fat.” Then of course if I did so in that sense it would only reinforce fear that those foods are scary and bad and cause weight gain…or something. Sigh. Well then, point being, Idk if I am “hungry” or was hungry I should say, got frustrated and washed the dish I had and then grabbed a scone off the microwave, some cranberry scones which I made a few days a go and just chewed it, and was like, “Really? Really?” And yeah, just spit it out in my coffee mug in my room, and proceed with the rest of it while wondering how many calories I would absorb and then rinsing my mouth out, still wondering and then coming in here to type this out wondering how exactly I plan on stopping this. Part of me is saying if I want to stop I need to eat more. To which my mind is like. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No, I’m cool with this then. The other half is like, no. But then it still doesn’t want to continue doing this wasteful and harmful behavior. I have heard that despite it seeming “harmless” it still causes problems in the body. Not to mention I don’t want it to get out of control.

Sigh. I don’t know. There was some other stuff I wanted to write about earlier too, but it feels a bit drained from my mind and probably wouldn’t want to put it in with this subject anyways. I perhaps need to write them down so I can recall them later. I did just recall one however. It’s only 8 PM, but I feel tired or something. My head feels weird, but I feel I have drank enough liquid already, if not excess, but it’s like 80 degrees in this house/room right now…Which reminds me to put the ice pack I have back in the freezer as I had to wake up in the middle of the night to get it so I could lay on it and fall asleep.

How to stop chewing and spitting… Sit through the terrible anxiety.
Um, but how about…No. Sit through the terrible anxiety.
But I don’t want…
Sit through it.
The answer isn’t going to change.

Early Morning thoughts and an update of sort

Ah, the early morning. Not quite yet six a.m. What shall come of the day… I have just had breakfast and am trying to relax and not stress out. I go for a walk at 6:15. I didn’t want to be so exact before, but basically the sun comes out and it gets hot, so I try to beat that. As fall comes though, and it may actually get cooler, that will perhaps be nicer, as well as less day light, which in some sense I do like. I am beside myself right now as far as how I feel and what to do though. I have gained six pounds since I have come back from New York. If I count basically the last five days in New York where I was also eating more, then a combined total of say forty days, and five to six pounds. Round up to six and forty two days, that is one every seven days, round down to five and forty days, one every eight days. The ED really hates that. The higher one went first because it is the one that it hates more and is stuck on feeling is correct. Of course I have been tracking, and so it’s not necessarily linear, however my mind feels more at ease perhaps as seeing it as a linear progression. In terms of eating disordered behaviors, I am quite confused myself, or surprised perhaps.
Viewing my own eating habits, it is odd. I try to stay calm and lower anxiety, which then seems to lead to weird ritualistic, behaviors. I try to calm myself down, otherwise I feel I am eating too fast in a rushed, “get it over with sense” and probably don’t chew it well and intake air, and may cause bloating as my bod is all tense. But then when I slow down at times too, it seems like it turns into a overly controlled bizarre, frozen ED like slowness. I also find this bizarre because in my mind I don’t see myself as sick. That is, when I look at myself in the mirror, or just down at my body, or how my body physically feels, I don’t feel frail or sick. I don’t think I am. When I look at myself, or how I think I perceive myself within my mind’s eye: that is, how I imagine myself to look as if I were standing in front of a mirror, is basically normal. Or bigger than “normal”. A bit stocky and strong. Short with a medium strong build of some muscle but equal fat, and no real leanness. A hard yet soft look if that makes sense.

I am only three to four pounds less than what I was before I left to Minneapolis and then New York, so there is possibly one perceived issue. That is, I am going based on what I was prior, even though people would say I was not healthy then, to me, I am only seeing as what went on the month prior as the problem. That weight loss was too rapid and drastic so I need to regain for health, but maintaining where I was prior is okay. I just need to do so in a more healthy way to be able to function and be able to do things in a non-disordered way. That is my view. Or the EDs view. This morning as I made breakfast there was already that sigh of contention. I was surprised at myself. Just prior I felt like I could never stop anyways, in terms of gaining/ going forward because I often feel stuck with patterns even if it is something I/ the ED doesn’t like, so I’d still have to gain anyways, being stuck how I am eating. Yet as I was making breakfast, I now know what people mean by that “urge to restrict” for me it can’t be drastic. It throws off routine too much, but I saw the subtle changes it wanted to make, to start with, and then would probably stumble down from there. I didn’t, but it was noted. Will I act on such things? Right now I know I don’t want to gain any more weight. Or the ED doesn’t. Well my mind seems to be on that side right now, in an ego-systonic way. I wonder. I don’t really know what to wonder actually. What will come of this. Perhaps I need to look beyond the weight gain though. That is, what else it is I can do, behaviorally in a sense. What other things do I want to do beyond the ED, because I won’t want to gain weight especially if things just stay as they are, there is no point, but if other things move forward, then it would perhaps be seen as a positive, something worth it; despite there possibly not being any actual correlation as the ED wants to point out. Well, let’s see then, what else… Ah, time to go, Almost 6:15 and have to beat that sun…

Well things seem to be piecing together

For the first time perhaps in what seems like an eternity as far as my future, prospects and mental health. Not feeling all frenetic and scared constantly, trying to do these things while trying to not crawl out of my skin, in a constant panic and state of anxiety. Albeit, it is not that the anxiety is gone, but more subdued in a way. Under control to a point.

For instance this morning seemed to start off bad, however right now am trying to simply accept it for what it is and go on anyways. I have not been able to sleep well, or that is, I don’t seem to need much sleep, and as such it bothers me. That is, I don’t really know how or when to wake up or what I “should” feel when I get up. I feel I could get up at any time for the most part. Part of this is probably due to the fact I am not pushing my body through exertion as I was times prior when running and under-eating. So this weird feeling of energy is odd. It perhaps isn’t even what “well” feels like, but when on my walk earlier this morning, I had this thought of is being like “Hmm, things feel good, which feels scary and wrong, quick let me smash a hammer on my head in which things might feel better and normal again as per what I am used to.” of course realizing that does not make sense. Let me stick my hand in the fire because pain is what I am accustomed to. I felt like I had all sort of energy this morning in a way, but also complied with anxiety in my digestion feeling off, and bloated, and well scary. So trying to breath through that as such. While it was distressing at the same time, when able to get my body to relax in a way, it feeling like a bit of an accomplishment, rather than how I prior would have just kind of bared through it trying to be like, “I should not feel like that, therefore I do not.” There is so weird abstract way of describing the difference between accepting pain as a feeling and denying it is there or not real and the difference it has physically and psychologically.

Well that was scary and my usual anxiety kicked in. I can’t tell if I am legitimately calm right now or burnt out/ subdued trying to not be anxious. Both? For my mid morning snack I had that which was scary as well, but took the time to try and breath through it, be kindful rather than be scared and rush, or let the anxiety control in that aspect. I had an appointment at 10 AM to go to and was actually able to do the paperwork as well as I knew how, able to ask my mom questions about it and print out the paper they needed attached, have it all in a manila envelope and to ride my bike down there. Previously this probably would have caused all sort of anxiety and avoidance, leading me to do it at the last minute and being flustered and scared. This time I was able to take my time a bit, actually look things over, calm down. Go back to it when I was able/ even if my mind didn’t initially feel it, but take that push of just trying. Much like going to my appointment today. Previous times with heightened anxiety like this, riding my bike there would have been horrible. That is in my mind, because it wouldn’t feel “right” or how I thought it should, I didn’t feel how thought/think I “should” that it was wrong and I shouldn’t do it at all it is bad. However that is not actually conducive to progress. This morning when I went, I though to myself, even if it wasn’t as I thought it “should” be, that at least I was going and able to and that was the point. To get there. No one else knew about this “should”. Who said it “should” be like that. What actual difference does it make. Being able to be kind to myself in a way. Not having to rush or push constantly saying I am doing it wrong, but simply being in a sense. Just going. With out judgment. It did feel a bit odd, but actually that is how it is a lot of times right now. I ride my bike a path I have gone many times before and prior times ring in my memory of how through said judgments things felt awful and almost afraid that such feeling will come up, that hurried rush of it being wrong and never doing things right or fast enough. Yet it ends up not being the case, much to my surprise and the only sort of uncomfortable negative feeling is the ones that come upon the recollection of those past times.

Today I had an initial sort of assessment with the Department of Rehabilitation. I was able to get through the appointment and I think on some level really be able to talk to the woman in charge of my case. That is, see her more as a person than well…not. I don’t know, it’s hard for me to gage at times what is appropriate or if we are “supposed to” be just cold and stand off-ish, however that was not the case. Being able to see me as a person and her as a person as well is how it comes to mind. Being “real” and welcoming. I will get a letter in the mail the next week or so, for another appointment to make my “plan” as far as what type of job I would be looking for. My homework is to look up jobs on Occupational Handbook to find jobs I might be interested in and would cause me little to no anxiety; if such jobs exist I do not know, though I imagine with any job there will be the initial anxiety and stress of getting to know the position and such. However in terms of OCD and ED would be the context. This will be interesting and I am looking forward to exploring it more. There will also be two other people helping me in looking for jobs as well. Apparently they will even take me to job fairs at times; of which I am then even able to purchase an outfit of business like attire for said possible job interviews and job fairs at which prospective employers may be at, as well as transportation fees. Another thing is my glasses; they asked if my insurance pays for glasses, of which I said I do not know (which I do not think they do). I mentioned that the ones I have now are an old prescription though, that my newer ones (which weren’t even up to date) broke, and these weren’t that good. She said to find out and get it taken care of as glasses are part of my outfit and necessary for work, that if insurance did not pay, that they would pay for it as well! So I am going to try and make an optometrist appointment as soon as possible and find out regarding that. I can’t say how thankful I feel for all of that. God is truly providing all and looking out for that which I was afraid to consider; while my glasses/ eye sight is a hindrance right now since these glasses make me strain and cannot see as well as I should, for whatever reason I have been afraid to get new glasses. Now I actually realize that was foolish.

Beyond that, I also have an appointment on Wednesday for the OCD Center, with a therapist for an initial appointment. Honestly it was anxiety provoking to schedule; though I realize anything will mess up *anything* within my OCD schedule, however the point is to overcome it, not try to work within it. Of course within manageable steps, not ones that set me up to fail. So it is after lunch time, at a time with some usual compulsive behavior, but well. Faith. I wasn’t sure which location (as they have two which were available depending on the day and time) but spoke to my mom about it and went by faith. I was afraid it’d be scary and mess up my times and stressful etc. but rather than worry, just take it as it comes, not worrying about the time after or the time after. Whatever appointments come after that we will handle as such. A bit ironic in a sense of needing to talk to ones therapist over the anxiety of therapy times…or well things in general with times for me….Which basically encompasses all existence. Hm. Anyways. Yeah, so that is what has been going on.

On the food front it is well. Still a bit confusing and though I want to take it on as a learning process still rather than that which I want to run away from. However, in a sense me sitting down to type this all out was a bit of a running away, however it made me feel calmer rather than sitting and ruminating which is not productive. Even though the ED said I “should have” done something else, ruminate or something actually “worth while” and some how productive, which lets face it, generally is not in the scheme of things anyways. Who is to say this is not productive anyways. It tends to benefit my mental health in getting things out and feeling calmer, more grounded, ready to take on what ever is next at times, so there is that. Perhaps for that reason why the ED does not want me to do it. Yay. Winning. Oh and as my eyes flick to the time now, wondering if I ought to get up and start making lunch. While prior was afraid in some ED/OCD driven way per usual of eating too early and/or eating too much and going crazy and hating myself, while I’d usually try to head it off with doing something else but that feeling that I “should” feel bad perseverating. In this case that was what this was to a point, but actually more or less able to concentrate. My mind wants to wander to all those times when I haven’t been able to though and when it felt horrible, as if it should be as such and what I am doing is wrong…but is it? One part says yes in a certain sense, but no in another. Yet it is what it is. Perhaps because part of me says I am avoiding hunger. Another says though I am avoiding fully riding out anxiety. But which is it? Another says it is positive because you shouldn’t be so fixed on numbers but do things when you want, unconstrained by those precise numbers. What feels intuitively correct though and what is actually correct…and which is which exactly? *confusion*. Okay, time to go figure out whatever lunch will be. I pray God give me the strength…What ever it is accept it as from Him, whatever He allows me to eat and not worry. Amen.